I need to move! As in, move domain. Not permanently, of course.

Okay in more concrete terms: I need to make a book blog.

So that all my immature ranting will only be confined to this blog, and the blook blog will be more ~controlled and have op eds and be less teary and emotional, you know?

Because ever since Chris Pash commented in JANUARY, I realised that he was privy to EVERYTHING ELSE on here, insane emotional pathetic rantings and all. So for me to be regarded as a credible book blogger, I think I need to move all my posts to somewhere professional. Okay. I in the Future I might be a good book blogger, if I work on it properly. AUGH darn but I need to *actually* have a book blog.

hahaha I've been telling everyone about the book blog but it doesn't even exist. Okay the posts exist, but not the blog itself. I just have to sort everything out on here, shift them to the book blog, learn coding (the biggest hurdle) to make everything pretty and presentable. But you know what will happen? Most likely I'll set up something with the blogger template and then it'll stay that way for a while until I get the coding done. Content first then design. *sigh* I'm also reluctant to make a nice layout when everyone just reads blogs on google reader and other feed aggregators nowadays. And you can't see the layout on google reader.

The funtion of this blog is mostly personal, and it's for me to keep in touch with the four people who read it. That's it. Not for the rest of the interwebs. If you don't happen to be those four people, I have a hunch that you aren't really interested, and won't be, anyway, after reading an entry or two.

This is extremely personal.

Oh damn it's not extremely personal. I just have no idea how to write it, if it makes any sense.

Should I indent like crazy? Just last year I intended this blog to be as public as possible, because of BEDA, but this is actually the first post I'm writing in April, I should think. The 26th of April. April is ending! I turn 18 in three months. According to darran it's 4. BUT WHATEVER I like to round up.

I don't want to turn 18, I want to be 17 forever. I like to feel that the world is at my feet and I have the ~power to conquer all, you know. I like being idealistic and not excessively jaded by the pressures of the outside world. In the past 3 years I've begun to discover that there's a whole new world out there, outside school, outside singapore, where people can do as they please, and not have to suffer the "negative repurcussions" of being "impulsive". There is a world out there where people actually ENJOY what they are studying, and it isn't medicine, engineering or law they are studying. They are people who have day jobs but on the side they're trying their absolute best to much out on their own-- Chris Pash wrote The Last Whale while on his day job. I suppose the point is that I've learnt that there are people out there doing what they like, and putting all their effort into their passions, but they're not regretting the decisions they made, and they're not thinking: "I should have listened to so-and-so, he told me to do study business and be a real estate agent". Even if they're strugglivg, they take this in their stride, and go: "If this is what I want to do, then-- nevermind the critics. I'm not going to sell my soul, or live somebody else's life. This like is mine, and I'll do what I damn well want to."

And this goes up another notch when you actually *meet* somebody with passion and energy , and they are extremely satisfied with what they are doing-- shuian, darran, loki, aseem from Give.sg-- it just makes you so optimistic and hopeful.

I just read hayleyghoover's recent blogpost and Steve Jobs' commencement address at Stamford in 2005 and I have to confess they made me teary-eyed. I think it's because they're saying: "Hang in there, this too shall pass. And when you're out of the tunnel, be sure to listen to yourself, and it will all be better."

I think I'm beginning to enter the most harrowing and trying seven months yet, and after the seven months, I want to be able to come out with my aspirations, my soul and my sanity intact, and not resort to killing something inside me to get through. Damn I'm not even sure I'll get through the other side completely whole, because I'm terrible at handling these things on my own. It's just... here's a heads up to anyone reading this that it will probably go downhill from here, and I'll probably be more angsty than frivolous. I know that if I don't do this properly, I'll have to stay in this shithole for another year, and staying here any longer is not something I can take. And if I do this right, I'll be able to go to Masstricht or Lesley or Macquarie and do anthropology or environmental studies, and actually enjoy learning, something that I only very rarely experience in school nowadays.

The reason why I think I'm better off now than the last time is that I know and have faith that there are people supporting me, or people whom I can rely on for anything. This might seem dramatic, but it's impossible for me to repay these people for how much they've helped in the past two years, and recently as well. I don't think they realise how much I rely on them and how much they mean to me, but I'm extremely thankful and grateful to have such encouraging people around me. It's almost as if this thought itself, and hope, is enough to keep me going and pull me through.