coming out to family

arrrgh.

haha every time I watch an episode of My Transsexual Summer, I need to take so much time out for it, and for thinking about it.

Anyways. So on episode 2, Sarah, an MTF transgendered person, went home to tell her mum that she was transgendered. She's in her late 20s, I think. The whole show phrases it as "she hasn't told her mum" or "she hasn't told her mum yet", as if coming out to her mum was something that had to happen. Other FTMs on the show have told their parents, and this MTF has told her parents, and their parents are okay with it. Coming out to one's parents was basically depicted as something one *had* to do.

Obviously being transgendered and being cisgendered but queer are two very different things, so I can't compare their coming out experience to mine. Gender, rather than sexual orientation, might be a more important aspect to one's sense of personhood, and it merits telling one's parents.  However, this episode made me consider coming out to my mum, and I had a very intense, negative reaction to it. When I thought about it in my head, about how it might turn out, it made me think that if someone made me tell my mum now, I would run away and protest-- basically I don't want to come out to my parents now.

I can't. I really really can't. People say that it's ok not to come out, that I can come out when I want to, but it just feels like something that has to happen. I'm not even sure if I want to come out to my parents ever. I don't think that me liking to kiss girls sometimes is a fact that my parents or family have to know. I was seriously thinking about it the other day, and I'm afraid of what my sister would think and how she would react. I'm not even sure that my sister would behave the same way towards me if I told her I was queer. I love my sister and I love spending time with her; I don't want to ruin the relationship I have with her.

She's not homophobic, but I'm afraid that she might find our relationship odd and incestuous, since I like to hug her a lot and sit in her lap and stuff. Obviously I would not like to bone my sister, but now I'm seeing her for the first time in 2 months since I've been away, I'm really uncomfortable with touching her anymore. I never expected my relationship with my sister to change in this way, that one day I would meet up with her and we wouldn't have anything to talk about.

I still have things to talk about with her, and we still laugh at the same things, but it's different. It's strange. It feels like she's grown up and I've grown and we have to adjust to each other again. She's... not really the sister whom I left at home in July. I guess I just have to get used to this. I don't know if it would be easier or harder to tell her that I was gay, after a long period of not seeing each other.

I don't want to tell my parents; I really don't. It's like opening another can of worms, when I've got 1 steaming pile of slimy maggots in front of me already.

I just realised:

"You're directing me/ you're dressed up I lose my grip my focus
Make those eyes at me/ I lose my grip my focus"

*squeee* this happens to me all the time. so cute.

just whinging again.

I am gay I am gay I am so fucking gay

do you have a problem with that? It's ok. unfriend me. I don't think you're worth friending anyway. I can probably do without you.

I like adventuring. Sometimes I don't like to be in the same country all the time. I like that I kind of know people everywhere so there's someone to meet in every country I go. I also like having people visit me. That is nice.

I'm studying a useless degree in a useless university. You have a problem with that?
It's ok. Sometimes I have issues with it too, but not now. You can still talk to me.

Also, I'm taking antidepressants, and I'm screwed up in my head. Sorry. that's how I am.
You can try changing this fact. Goodness knows I've tried many times myself, but I can't even change this. You think I need to be in the loony bin and kept away from other people? It's ok. My family thinks so too.

I am obsessed with harry potter, and I spend a lot of time reading. You don't really want to be friends with me now? that's fine. My parents have problems with it too. I'm telling you now so I don't have to awkwardly reveal this fact midway through our friendship. You can back off safely now, with limited emotional investment.

hey! figured that I hadn't updated this in a long while, so here goes:

1. I came back from leakycon a few days ago, and I'm still trying to process it all. I'm annoying my sister by singing "Days of Summer" and "Back To Hogwarts" over and over again. All is well. Did I mention when I went to watch HPDH2, the whole cinema sang the entirety of Back to Hogwarts before it started? It was crazy. The song is like 10 minutes long, and they had the whole thing memorised. Afterwards, of course they sang "The Weapon", and I have to get on learning that. It kind of helped that the final battle cast was in the same cinema that I was in, and Catitude as well. And of course Sanne was sitting to my right, Lidewij next to her, Tom in front, and James next to him.

2. It's just strange that only 1-2 people I know in singapore will appreciate the awesomeness that was leakycon, and being in the same room with Scott Westerfeld, David Levithan, Maureen Johnson, Stephanie Perkins, Libba Bray, and John Green. It was just insane. I still can't tell Joe and Paul DeGeorge from each other, even though one of them gave me a snitchwich. xD I want to replicate that! The snitchwich was awesome; maybe I'll have it for breakfast. I don't have any peanut butter or cinnamon crunch cereal or honey, though. HMM. And I can't buy any perishable groceries that only I will eat because I'm leaving again on friday. This will be a slight problem.

3. I want tegan and sara NINETEEN stickers! My plan is to order stuff online when I'm in LA, using paypal, and have them send it to my LA address, so that shipping is cheaper. I would get everyoneisgay hoodies if they still have them, but they don't, so I will get tegan and sara merch. Since I'm turning nineteen next month, and it will be appropriate. The odd thing is that the song itself (nineteen) is ridiculously sad-- it sounds like the T&S are ripping out their heart, and it is lying there, pulsating, on the table, all bloody. The nineteen bumper sticker needs to be had, though, and I will stick it on my suitcase, along with my DFTBA, The Nifflers, and Slytherin stickers.

4. Hang on two seconds; I have to reply a fb message from the girl I'm dating; she said today I don't reply her messages! Which is true. She's cute.

5. I'm going to therapy, and I will have taken fluoxetine for 5 weeks, come wednesday. This is something that I want to be open about, because other people being open about this have helped me immeasurably. In some way I think I'd like to help others too, however idealistic this sounds and however stupidly under-the-radar my blog is. The therapy has helped, and the fluoxetine too; it's like I don't know there _is_ a problem until it gets better, and I love it when the problem diminishes.

This is strange, but decision-making has become so much easier nowadays, sleep is better-- at leakycon I could count on waking up at a certain time each morning, and the regularity of it is amazing. Although now because of the jet lag, it's 4.30 am and I'm awake. Hopefully when I get to LA it will right itself again. Food is easier; I don't get the shakes as often, and I'm learning to eat complicated carbohydrates, and to make myself eat at certain times so I don't get hypoglycaemic. It's so much easier to tell when I'm full; before this I had to monitor a lot more carefully. But ever since becoming vegetarian I've always had to pay extra attention to what I eat, and to ensure that I get enough protein and fruit, so this is just an extension of what I'm already doing. It's sad, but I realise sometimes my hunger level affects my mood, so knowing how to manage it is great.

Actually I've been appreciating these few months a lot, because I've been taught to separate my crazy self, and my rational-thinking self, and to know when the crazy self is getting crazy, so it doesn't go overboard. It's been the most helpful thing that's come out of therapy. Also on communication in relationships. I'm working on that. I just love that my counsellor is so open with talking about _anything_. The downside is that my psychiatrist and my mum want me to see a more "reliable" counsellor, so recently I've been going to see a more expensive psychologist. It makes me a bit annoyed, because I pay for the therapy in cash, and my mum sometimes forgets to pay me back, but this means I'm dependent on my mum (when was I not) but it just makes things a bit more complicated. Also I just spent the last session catching up, and I'm bad at adapting to someone I don't really know that well. Thank goodness this tuesday's session is the last one before I leave.

6. I'm leaving! Did I tell you? just for a little while-- 6 weeks, to go for a summer term in LA, because said mum doesn't want me to "waste time" before I might start uni in mid-september. I'll be taking 3 classes: Human Evolution, a Comp. Lit class with Kafka, Gogol, and Garcia Marquez among others, and Intro To Social Science research methods. I think I'll have a lot of time on my hands, and should have signed up for 4 classes instead. >.> but we'll see. I'll probably do the default with the free time-- homework, read, write reviews, make videos. I just want it to be productive.

http://transpride.net/post/5310443918

"Some people call this genderqueer, genderfluid, bigender, whatever you want! No, labels don’t matter. I would recommend exploring tumblr more. There are tons of tumblrs directed to those that identify as genderqueer, androgynous, genderfluid, bigender, no gender, third gender, so on so forth, and you may find a label that you feel best defines you after a little more exploration."

I don't know~

Recently I've been trying to... find a label for myself. I didn't really have to, before I met people in the community, and they ask what do I identify as, and I'm like, "I'm the Q in LGBTQ?" haha I either say "questioning" or "queer". Most recently I've said questioning, because that's the easiest answer. Or rather, it's the first thing that comes into my head. xD

But lately I've been feeling that "questioning" is a rather immature term to use, is it not? It mostly applies to adolescents, and you know, the gay people I know aren't questioning, they KNOW exactly who they are attracted to. But I don't know. When I first encountered this, I was really doubtful, and thought it was a Thing that I should get solved. I should find out what I identify as, asap. Just so I can have a straight answer to people to ask, and there won't be awkward silences.

Really I'm okay with people asking; it is practically a getting-to-know-you prerequisite now. I'm just not very used to it because not everyone, upon introducing themselves, asks about one's sexual or gender orientation.

haha and on twitter I say I'm "Out", but the strange thing is that I'm not Out to my family (and not planning to do so anytime soon) and of course I'm not Out to my school network, my potential employers, etc. because:

1) I don't think my sexuality has anything to do with my employability or my academic ability (or lack thereof).

2) If I outed myself in singapore, I'd have a really tough time trying to find someone who would hire me.

I'm out to, well, the people online-- which is everybody really, but I am safely cloaked in anonymity. I'm also out enough that I can meet people in the community, and I'm also so fortunate that I can talk about this to my counselor if I ever need to, without worrying about her reacting negatively. This is a privilege that people in the army don't get, though. In singapore it's compulsory for all male citizens to undergo National Service once they turn 18. I'm not sure if it's DADT, but word on the street is that you get a lower PES (Physical Employment Status) if you say at the medical checkup that you're gay. I've also heard that if you declare that you have a mental illness, eg depression, they'll put that on your report and mess up your chances of getting into a good university after serving NS. The second rumour, to be honest, sounds more fluff than truth, but I heard it from someone who knows someone who works in the military. psssh the way I describe my source ~really~ adds to the validity of the rumour, huh? xD

Anyway, regarding the PES downgrading-- it's been corroborated by multiple sources, so it's more likely to be true. The reason why I have to get this information from friends and hearsay is because that there isn't an official word on it. Which basically means that they can lower your PES for any reason. To treat LGBTQs as second class citizens solely based on their sexual orientation is derogatory, at best. On the other hand, some welcome this grading, because a higher grading just means that more is expected of you during your time in NS. They'd prefer to do less physically challenging duties during their 2 years in NS, the easier the better, since NS is compulsory. If you get a low enough grading, you are eligible for clerical work. What I've learnt is that the distinctions aren't so clear, though-- there are multiple bands, from A- F, and within the grades there are subsections, eg: B1L1, B1L2, C9 and so forth.

I know someone who doesn't have a PES A grade, and he gets to stay indoors most of the time, not have to "bang" during drill, watch war movies. There are some leadership roles required of him, and a certain discipline instilled, and he still has to report every day to camp. Or work, since NS men are paid during their service.

http://everyoneisgay.com/post/4583289496/im-not-100-sure-but-i-believe-i-like-both-sexes-now

THIS. THIS. just makes everything a little bit better.

You’re going to spend your life being attracted to all kinds of people. PEOPLE being the key word. You don’t have to label yourself and you don’t have to come out the second you figure it out. Just live. You’ll never figure anything out if you’re obsessing over what it all means.

Make out with boys until you wanna make out with a girl, then make out with her. You could make out with 4 girls before you realize you just don’t like it and you only wanna make out with boys. Then you’d be hitting up everyoneisgay.com to be like ‘I JUST CAME OUT AS BI AND THEN I REALIZED I DONT LIKE GIRLS NOW WHAT’ and we’d be like ‘calllllm down’ you know?

you don’t have to label yourself and you don’t have to come out, but you do have to be happy…so go with that.

KRISTIN:

You have crushes on girls. You have crushes on boys. You are real, and your crushes are real, and you can call it whatever you like and tell whoever you like.

Don’t let idiots make you doubt yourself. You are a real person, and every feeling that you feel in your bones and your skin and your heart and your brain is legitimate and, if given the courage and the chance, will roar the loudest and mightiest roars of awesomeness. #lionkingwednesday

Watched some of Big Bang Theory.

Did some purging of the room today; will continue tomorrow.

Got to catch up with kiru and darran on msn.

Listened to "On An Unknown Beach" and "Blake Says".

I feel better : )

Also, I'm all caught up with pooky wrt the Leo situation.

I like talking to my friends.

That just makes me feel like everything is right in the world.
Pooky recommended "Yoko" by Pegasus Bridge, and it's so good I can't even. I always like the music she recommends. ^-^

Gah. miss her so much. so much. As I miss every one who is SO. FAR. away from me.

Chele and Pooky are in melb, Darran is in abu dhabi, not to mention Hailee and all the people in NL/ Belgium/ Sweden.

I miss michele! ):

All I have is geeru, and we manage to meet once a fortnight, at best.

Just can't wait for the day I manage to meet pooky, and I have to do it quick so that chele will still be there.

heh. Although studying overseas almost guarantees that most of my friends will be far, far, away from me, so I'd better get used to it. It's just that I miss them so, so, much. It's just... I'm so used to them being around, and being able to hang out with them at a drop of a hat. Kayley Hyde says that living far away from most of your friends is something one has to get used to. I admit, before I've left, I've already had lots of practice with being away from my friends, so it shouldn't be so bad. After all, there is always skype and letters and phonecalls. Being separated and not being able to talk to them whenever I want, and not being completely updated on each other's situations is just something that is hard to get used to.

It's what was making chele so sad, I guess. CHANGE is hard to get used to. Moving means that I'll have to make a whole new set of friends; and even though it isn't really new to me since I've done it loads before in the past year, it's just difficult to leave all your established relationships behind. With friends like these, whom you've practically spent most of your teenage life with (chele felicia geeru) you take for granted that they'll always be around.

Also regarding friends, now that I kind of have a social life (this concept is entirely new to me) it's hard to keep in contact with old friends and maintain the conversation with new ones. I don't know how to strike a balance. Sometimes I feel like I'm spending too much time and effort maintaining my online/ distance friendships, and not spending enough time with my local ones. Admittedly distance friendships take more effort to keep going. But I don't want to lose them; my friends who live so far away are important to me. At times I feel guilty that I'm spending too much time with my "new" friends, or with the writer-people, than with people like jacque or peter or kimberly. Or I'm spending too many facebook posts on people overseas-- pooky and chele, as opposed to kiru.

I get the feeling that my friends are monitoring my facebook profile page to see who dominates the most-mentioned on my wall. I don't want to feel like I'm leaving anyone out, so sometimes if I want to mention someone, I'd rather not, because it would seem selfish.

I guess it's just that the concept of having many friends outside of school is STILL terribly new to me. (even though it's been happening since nov 2009) but now that I'm actually out of school and have time to socialise, juggling different friendships is quite hard to handle. It's all a bit confusing, really, because I want to give ALL my friends the same amount of attention, and I try to measure this "attention" by the amount of tweets/ dailybooth posts/ facebook posts I mention them in. All I really want to do is just spend time with whoever I want whenever I want... which is pretty much what I'm currently doing, actually.

I dreamt that I was in a holiday camp, and we were all confined-- my mum my sister and me, and we had to sleep in bunks like mockingjay. I was sleeping on a bunk bed, and a classmate from primary school was sleeping on the top bunk. And sometimes people had to kill each other. We had to fulfill a PE requirement. I had to make coffee/ tea for people ( can’t remember why) and it was a competition. I won the competition. Sometimes people called me camel; sometimes they called me valerie, or “val”. I distinctly remember that my name was really nicole, but no one seemed to believe me.

I don't know what to think now.

feeling a bit pissy.

tomorrow is wednesday. Because it is wednesday, I'll have to film a video.

I have a bad feeling that I'll be stuck with nothing to do after my volunteer gig.

Which is all fine and dandy if I want to film videos and write and read all day, but it is not fine if I want to go to leakycon.

Sometimes I'm afraid that the choices I'm making are the wrong ones.

But sometimes I remember that I'm still 18, and I might as well take the chance to muck around and have fun while I still can.

Also I don't know what kind of career I want.

okay! Reasons I don't like Borders:

I used to go there as a kid, remember? As young as p1/p2, and get a book on the weekends, or not get any books at all. I would sit in the kids section and read until my neck ached, and my mum would have to find me and I'd have so much trouble picking out a book. It's also where I found my HatP cd, and the Spring Awakening one, and the Pan's Labyrinth VCD that I got michele to buy because I wasn't 16 yet. In RG, we used to go there after exams just to browse, and geeru would head straight to the Terry Prachett section to ogle. I went there once after exams and saw adeline, and then in sec 4 I went with my classmates.

I don't really like it now because it holds so many memories. Well particularly because of jinghua and how he felt me up and I panicked and took flight. Also because of that time I went with darran and loki and darran talked about himself working in borders. -_-

Also because jacqueline/ thurisaz83 says the shifts are shit and working there is shit.

So no borders for me!

I don't understand why this is an issue, honestly; there are so many other places to work in.

I'm only thinking of this because geeru asked me.

But it's not her fault at all.

And it got me thinking how many ~memories~ have been formed at borders.