arrrgh.
haha every time I watch an episode of My Transsexual Summer, I need to take so much time out for it, and for thinking about it.
Anyways. So on episode 2, Sarah, an MTF transgendered person, went home to tell her mum that she was transgendered. She's in her late 20s, I think. The whole show phrases it as "she hasn't told her mum" or "she hasn't told her mum yet", as if coming out to her mum was something that had to happen. Other FTMs on the show have told their parents, and this MTF has told her parents, and their parents are okay with it. Coming out to one's parents was basically depicted as something one *had* to do.
Obviously being transgendered and being cisgendered but queer are two very different things, so I can't compare their coming out experience to mine. Gender, rather than sexual orientation, might be a more important aspect to one's sense of personhood, and it merits telling one's parents. However, this episode made me consider coming out to my mum, and I had a very intense, negative reaction to it. When I thought about it in my head, about how it might turn out, it made me think that if someone made me tell my mum now, I would run away and protest-- basically I don't want to come out to my parents now.
I can't. I really really can't. People say that it's ok not to come out, that I can come out when I want to, but it just feels like something that has to happen. I'm not even sure if I want to come out to my parents ever. I don't think that me liking to kiss girls sometimes is a fact that my parents or family have to know. I was seriously thinking about it the other day, and I'm afraid of what my sister would think and how she would react. I'm not even sure that my sister would behave the same way towards me if I told her I was queer. I love my sister and I love spending time with her; I don't want to ruin the relationship I have with her.
She's not homophobic, but I'm afraid that she might find our relationship odd and incestuous, since I like to hug her a lot and sit in her lap and stuff. Obviously I would not like to bone my sister, but now I'm seeing her for the first time in 2 months since I've been away, I'm really uncomfortable with touching her anymore. I never expected my relationship with my sister to change in this way, that one day I would meet up with her and we wouldn't have anything to talk about.
I still have things to talk about with her, and we still laugh at the same things, but it's different. It's strange. It feels like she's grown up and I've grown and we have to adjust to each other again. She's... not really the sister whom I left at home in July. I guess I just have to get used to this. I don't know if it would be easier or harder to tell her that I was gay, after a long period of not seeing each other.
I don't want to tell my parents; I really don't. It's like opening another can of worms, when I've got 1 steaming pile of slimy maggots in front of me already.