mum doesn't want me to go to leakycon because she thinks people will laugh at me

Mum says that I shouldn't go to leakycon because everyone will laugh at me.
If I go every year everyone will laugh at me even more.

I don't know what's funnier. That right now I find this statement really absurd, or now I'm thinking about it, I don't know *who* are the people laughing at me. It is my mum? Does she think, "ha ha, stupid jinjin, ha ha" I mean in which case it doesn't matter, but since she has brought up the issue of "everyone", I think I will try to unpack this statement and understand it better.

Is it my family? My relatives? Will they think "ha ha jinjin is such a dickhead". There are two assumptions to be made here: that they actually laugh at me, and that they actually spend time of their busy lives thinking about how stupid I am. I don't think anyone in my family, especially my relatives, have time in their busy lives to sit down and think of how I'm such a dickhead. It is possible that my mum and my relatives talk about me when I'm not there, which is unavoidable, and it is during those instances that they collectively laugh at me. Which is fine, because I don't give a shit. Is it my maternal grandparents? Honestly in their situation all they talk about is what's going on in the news, what drugs to take, where to go out for lunch. They rarely talk about my mum or my sister.

Which "everyone" is my mum talking about? Is this *everyone* in my mum's social circle? Does she tell her colleagues that I go to leakycon and they laugh at me collectively? That's fine. I'm ok with that, as long as they don't laugh at me in my presence, which is pretty rare since I don't live in singapore anymore. Is this "everyone" my sister or my dad? Which is fine because they laugh at me all the time anyway and I can't do anything about it. Is this "everyone" my classmates in London? In which case,
1. How would you know
2. Why would I even care
3. How would they know since I've never told them

Is "everyone" the people I used to go to school with in singapore? In which case, why would they have any incentive to keep up with what I'm doing? It's none of their business what I'm doing with myself, or where I go. I doubt they even care.

Honestly I have no idea who "everyone" is, unless "everyone" just means my mum and the people she laughs with. It isn't everyone, obviously. I know people who are _jealous_ that I get to go. I feel bad that I get to go and other people don't. I consider being able to go to leakycon a privilege, thank you very much.

Ironically, leakycon is one of the only places in the world that I know for sure that I'm not going to be laughed at. You think people laugh at me *because* I go to leakycon? Mum, people have been laughing at me all my life. When I am with people who respect me, and that has happened in the past few years, I don't feel like I'm being laughed at. I don't surround myself with people who might not take me seriously. I surround myself with people who do.

I don't care anymore what the "everyone" might think. I am done with worrying about what other people will think. It's stressful, at any given time, to worry about
1. What mum would think
2. What "everyone" would think
things that I should be worried about and that I should take care of are on the low on the list.

I can't stand planning my life such that people won't laugh at me. Whatever I do people will end up being jealous of me, hating what I'm doing, or trying to make fun of me. In the end I'm still going to be angry and annoyed at myself because I'm doing something I hate. So why not do something I like and save people all the trouble? hum.

Things I did today

1. Made it to the anth methods lecture, having skipped the last 2 ones.
2. Went to cutty sark to look for MJ's book, failed.
3. Walked around deptford, following deptford creek. Made me happy because I got to talk to people-- classmates, and it was pretty funny. Walked so much, though. I felt so sweaty and poopy afterward.
4. Went to Heron Quay and got 4 copies of NotS! Also left nerdfighter notes in the john green books.
5. Went to the bookswap, and successfully swapped a book. Read books. Felt happy, because world book day celebrates my love/ relationship with fiction and literature. Spent time in new cross library. It was the best.
6. Was door bitch for awkward turtle.
7. Got accosted :P by alex and lauren. Danced to 50s music. Believed in the world again. I'm trying to find out why, though. I was proud of myself being door bitch, because that meant I got something to do. And then when I looked at the full room and everyone enjoying themselves, I thought: this is something I'm part of. I liked the music, too. Also maybe it was because it was a long time since I'd seen the lgbt soc guys-- 2 weeks. Well, relatively.
It's just such a relief and change from the past few weeks, actually. It was nice, even though there were no numbers. It was very much a friendship thing, which was wonderful.