The music room

2012-01-21T09:31:00.000+08:00

I'M IN LOVE WITH HER.
SHE SAID THE WORDS. SHE SAID THE THREE WORDS fuckkkkkk
SHE SAYS THAT TO EVERYONE
BUT I STILL AM IN NERDFIGHTERLIKE WITH HER. A LOT
(they say in girl/girl relationships it moves too quickly but I DONT CARE BC I WON"T BE SEEING HER FOR 7 MONTHS; TAKE THAT, "MOVING TOO QUICKLY".

I don't know if we'll be the same in 7 months. sigh. I don't know what we'll be in 7 months. #realisation
#help #dear BUT I'M IN LOVE WITH HER I NEED TO TELL SOMEONE

coming out to family

2011-12-03T08:30:00.001+08:00

arrrgh.

haha every time I watch an episode of My Transsexual Summer, I need to take so much time out for it, and for thinking about it.

Anyways. So on episode 2, Sarah, an MTF transgendered person, went home to tell her mum that she was transgendered. She's in her late 20s, I think. The whole show phrases it as "she hasn't told her mum" or "she hasn't told her mum yet", as if coming out to her mum was something that had to happen. Other FTMs on the show have told their parents, and this MTF has told her parents, and their parents are okay with it. Coming out to one's parents was basically depicted as something one *had* to do.

Obviously being transgendered and being cisgendered but queer are two very different things, so I can't compare their coming out experience to mine. Gender, rather than sexual orientation, might be a more important aspect to one's sense of personhood, and it merits telling one's parents. However, this episode made me consider coming out to my mum, and I had a very intense, negative reaction to it. When I thought about it in my head, about how it might turn out, it made me think that if someone made me tell my mum now, I would run away and protest-- basically I don't want to come out to my parents now.

I can't. I really really can't. People say that it's ok not to come out, that I can come out when I want to, but it just feels like something that has to happen. I'm not even sure if I want to come out to my parents ever. I don't think that me liking to kiss girls sometimes is a fact that my parents or family have to know. I was seriously thinking about it the other day, and I'm afraid of what my sister would think and how she would react. I'm not even sure that my sister would behave the same way towards me if I told her I was queer. I love my sister and I love spending time with her; I don't want to ruin the relationship I have with her.

She's not homophobic, but I'm afraid that she might find our relationship odd and incestuous, since I like to hug her a lot and sit in her lap and stuff. Obviously I would not like to bone my sister, but now I'm seeing her for the first time in 2 months since I've been away, I'm really uncomfortable with touching her anymore. I never expected my relationship with my sister to change in this way, that one day I would meet up with her and we wouldn't have anything to talk about.

I still have things to talk about with her, and we still laugh at the same things, but it's different. It's strange. It feels like she's grown up and I've grown and we have to adjust to each other again. She's... not really the sister whom I left at home in July. I guess I just have to get used to this. I don't know if it would be easier or harder to tell her that I was gay, after a long period of not seeing each other.

I don't want to tell my parents; I really don't. It's like opening another can of worms, when I've got 1 steaming pile of slimy maggots in front of me already.

2011-11-23T10:16:00.001+08:00

I just realised:

"You're directing me/ you're dressed up I lose my grip my focus
Make those eyes at me/ I lose my grip my focus"

*squeee* this happens to me all the time. so cute.

just whinging again.

2011-11-07T07:15:00.001+08:00

I am gay I am gay I am so fucking gay

do you have a problem with that? It's ok. unfriend me. I don't think you're worth friending anyway. I can probably do without you.

I like adventuring. Sometimes I don't like to be in the same country all the time. I like that I kind of know people everywhere so there's someone to meet in every country I go. I also like having people visit me. That is nice.

I'm studying a useless degree in a useless university. You have a problem with that?
It's ok. Sometimes I have issues with it too, but not now. You can still talk to me.

Also, I'm taking antidepressants, and I'm screwed up in my head. Sorry. that's how I am.
You can try changing this fact. Goodness knows I've tried many times myself, but I can't even change this. You think I need to be in the loony bin and kept away from other people? It's ok. My family thinks so too.

I am obsessed with harry potter, and I spend a lot of time reading. You don't really want to be friends with me now? that's fine. My parents have problems with it too. I'm telling you now so I don't have to awkwardly reveal this fact midway through our friendship. You can back off safely now, with limited emotional investment.

2011-07-24T03:29:00.002+08:00

hey! figured that I hadn't updated this in a long while, so here goes:

1. I came back from leakycon a few days ago, and I'm still trying to process it all. I'm annoying my sister by singing "Days of Summer" and "Back To Hogwarts" over and over again. All is well. Did I mention when I went to watch HPDH2, the whole cinema sang the entirety of Back to Hogwarts before it started? It was crazy. The song is like 10 minutes long, and they had the whole thing memorised. Afterwards, of course they sang "The Weapon", and I have to get on learning that. It kind of helped that the final battle cast was in the same cinema that I was in, and Catitude as well. And of course Sanne was sitting to my right, Lidewij next to her, Tom in front, and James next to him.

2. It's just strange that only 1-2 people I know in singapore will appreciate the awesomeness that was leakycon, and being in the same room with Scott Westerfeld, David Levithan, Maureen Johnson, Stephanie Perkins, Libba Bray, and John Green. It was just insane. I still can't tell Joe and Paul DeGeorge from each other, even though one of them gave me a snitchwich. xD I want to replicate that! The snitchwich was awesome; maybe I'll have it for breakfast. I don't have any peanut butter or cinnamon crunch cereal or honey, though. HMM. And I can't buy any perishable groceries that only I will eat because I'm leaving again on friday. This will be a slight problem.

3. I want tegan and sara NINETEEN stickers! My plan is to order stuff online when I'm in LA, using paypal, and have them send it to my LA address, so that shipping is cheaper. I would get everyoneisgay hoodies if they still have them, but they don't, so I will get tegan and sara merch. Since I'm turning nineteen next month, and it will be appropriate. The odd thing is that the song itself (nineteen) is ridiculously sad-- it sounds like the T&S are ripping out their heart, and it is lying there, pulsating, on the table, all bloody. The nineteen bumper sticker needs to be had, though, and I will stick it on my suitcase, along with my DFTBA, The Nifflers, and Slytherin stickers.

4. Hang on two seconds; I have to reply a fb message from the girl I'm dating; she said today I don't reply her messages! Which is true. She's cute.

5. I'm going to therapy, and I will have taken fluoxetine for 5 weeks, come wednesday. This is something that I want to be open about, because other people being open about this have helped me immeasurably. In some way I think I'd like to help others too, however idealistic this sounds and however stupidly under-the-radar my blog is. The therapy has helped, and the fluoxetine too; it's like I don't know there _is_ a problem until it gets better, and I love it when the problem diminishes.

This is strange, but decision-making has become so much easier nowadays, sleep is better-- at leakycon I could count on waking up at a certain time each morning, and the regularity of it is amazing. Although now because of the jet lag, it's 4.30 am and I'm awake. Hopefully when I get to LA it will right itself again. Food is easier; I don't get the shakes as often, and I'm learning to eat complicated carbohydrates, and to make myself eat at certain times so I don't get hypoglycaemic. It's so much easier to tell when I'm full; before this I had to monitor a lot more carefully. But ever since becoming vegetarian I've always had to pay extra attention to what I eat, and to ensure that I get enough protein and fruit, so this is just an extension of what I'm already doing. It's sad, but I realise sometimes my hunger level affects my mood, so knowing how to manage it is great.

Actually I've been appreciating these few months a lot, because I've been taught to separate my crazy self, and my rational-thinking self, and to know when the crazy self is getting crazy, so it doesn't go overboard. It's been the most helpful thing that's come out of therapy. Also on communication in relationships. I'm working on that. I just love that my counsellor is so open with talking about _anything_. The downside is that my psychiatrist and my mum want me to see a more "reliable" counsellor, so recently I've been going to see a more expensive psychologist. It makes me a bit annoyed, because I pay for the therapy in cash, and my mum sometimes forgets to pay me back, but this means I'm dependent on my mum (when was I not) but it just makes things a bit more complicated. Also I just spent the last session catching up, and I'm bad at adapting to someone I don't really know that well. Thank goodness this tuesday's session is the last one before I leave.

6. I'm leaving! Did I tell you? just for a little while-- 6 weeks, to go for a summer term in LA, because said mum doesn't want me to "waste time" before I might start uni in mid-september. I'll be taking 3 classes: Human Evolution, a Comp. Lit class with Kafka, Gogol, and Garcia Marquez among others, and Intro To Social Science research methods. I think I'll have a lot of time on my hands, and should have signed up for 4 classes instead. >.> but we'll see. I'll probably do the default with the free time-- homework, read, write reviews, make videos. I just want it to be productive.

2011-05-10T02:22:00.002+08:00

http://transpride.net/post/5310443918

"Some people call this genderqueer, genderfluid, bigender, whatever you want! No, labels don’t matter. I would recommend exploring tumblr more. There are tons of tumblrs directed to those that identify as genderqueer, androgynous, genderfluid, bigender, no gender, third gender, so on so forth, and you may find a label that you feel best defines you after a little more exploration."

I don't know~

Recently I've been trying to... find a label for myself. I didn't really have to, before I met people in the community, and they ask what do I identify as, and I'm like, "I'm the Q in LGBTQ?" haha I either say "questioning" or "queer". Most recently I've said questioning, because that's the easiest answer. Or rather, it's the first thing that comes into my head. xD

But lately I've been feeling that "questioning" is a rather immature term to use, is it not? It mostly applies to adolescents, and you know, the gay people I know aren't questioning, they KNOW exactly who they are attracted to. But I don't know. When I first encountered this, I was really doubtful, and thought it was a Thing that I should get solved. I should find out what I identify as, asap. Just so I can have a straight answer to people to ask, and there won't be awkward silences.

Really I'm okay with people asking; it is practically a getting-to-know-you prerequisite now. I'm just not very used to it because not everyone, upon introducing themselves, asks about one's sexual or gender orientation.

haha and on twitter I say I'm "Out", but the strange thing is that I'm not Out to my family (and not planning to do so anytime soon) and of course I'm not Out to my school network, my potential employers, etc. because:

1) I don't think my sexuality has anything to do with my employability or my academic ability (or lack thereof).

2) If I outed myself in singapore, I'd have a really tough time trying to find someone who would hire me.

I'm out to, well, the people online-- which is everybody really, but I am safely cloaked in anonymity. I'm also out enough that I can meet people in the community, and I'm also so fortunate that I can talk about this to my counselor if I ever need to, without worrying about her reacting negatively. This is a privilege that people in the army don't get, though. In singapore it's compulsory for all male citizens to undergo National Service once they turn 18. I'm not sure if it's DADT, but word on the street is that you get a lower PES (Physical Employment Status) if you say at the medical checkup that you're gay. I've also heard that if you declare that you have a mental illness, eg depression, they'll put that on your report and mess up your chances of getting into a good university after serving NS. The second rumour, to be honest, sounds more fluff than truth, but I heard it from someone who knows someone who works in the military. psssh the way I describe my source ~really~ adds to the validity of the rumour, huh? xD

Anyway, regarding the PES downgrading-- it's been corroborated by multiple sources, so it's more likely to be true. The reason why I have to get this information from friends and hearsay is because that there isn't an official word on it. Which basically means that they can lower your PES for any reason. To treat LGBTQs as second class citizens solely based on their sexual orientation is derogatory, at best. On the other hand, some welcome this grading, because a higher grading just means that more is expected of you during your time in NS. They'd prefer to do less physically challenging duties during their 2 years in NS, the easier the better, since NS is compulsory. If you get a low enough grading, you are eligible for clerical work. What I've learnt is that the distinctions aren't so clear, though-- there are multiple bands, from A- F, and within the grades there are subsections, eg: B1L1, B1L2, C9 and so forth.

I know someone who doesn't have a PES A grade, and he gets to stay indoors most of the time, not have to "bang" during drill, watch war movies. There are some leadership roles required of him, and a certain discipline instilled, and he still has to report every day to camp. Or work, since NS men are paid during their service.

2011-04-15T03:35:00.002+08:00

http://everyoneisgay.com/post/4583289496/im-not-100-sure-but-i-believe-i-like-both-sexes-now

THIS. THIS. just makes everything a little bit better.

You’re going to spend your life being attracted to all kinds of people. PEOPLE being the key word. You don’t have to label yourself and you don’t have to come out the second you figure it out. Just live. You’ll never figure anything out if you’re obsessing over what it all means.

Make out with boys until you wanna make out with a girl, then make out with her. You could make out with 4 girls before you realize you just don’t like it and you only wanna make out with boys. Then you’d be hitting up everyoneisgay.com to be like ‘I JUST CAME OUT AS BI AND THEN I REALIZED I DONT LIKE GIRLS NOW WHAT’ and we’d be like ‘calllllm down’ you know?

you don’t have to label yourself and you don’t have to come out, but you do have to be happy…so go with that.

KRISTIN:

You have crushes on girls. You have crushes on boys. You are real, and your crushes are real, and you can call it whatever you like and tell whoever you like.

Don’t let idiots make you doubt yourself. You are a real person, and every feeling that you feel in your bones and your skin and your heart and your brain is legitimate and, if given the courage and the chance, will roar the loudest and mightiest roars of awesomeness. #lionkingwednesday

2011-02-13T01:57:00.003+08:00

Watched some of Big Bang Theory.

Did some purging of the room today; will continue tomorrow.

Got to catch up with kiru and darran on msn.

Listened to "On An Unknown Beach" and "Blake Says".

I feel better : )

Also, I'm all caught up with pooky wrt the Leo situation.

I like talking to my friends.

2011-02-11T05:13:00.003+08:00

That just makes me feel like everything is right in the world.
Pooky recommended "Yoko" by Pegasus Bridge, and it's so good I can't even. I always like the music she recommends. ^-^

Gah. miss her so much. so much. As I miss every one who is SO. FAR. away from me.

Chele and Pooky are in melb, Darran is in abu dhabi, not to mention Hailee and all the people in NL/ Belgium/ Sweden.

I miss michele! ):

All I have is geeru, and we manage to meet once a fortnight, at best.

Just can't wait for the day I manage to meet pooky, and I have to do it quick so that chele will still be there.

heh. Although studying overseas almost guarantees that most of my friends will be far, far, away from me, so I'd better get used to it. It's just that I miss them so, so, much. It's just... I'm so used to them being around, and being able to hang out with them at a drop of a hat. Kayley Hyde says that living far away from most of your friends is something one has to get used to. I admit, before I've left, I've already had lots of practice with being away from my friends, so it shouldn't be so bad. After all, there is always skype and letters and phonecalls. Being separated and not being able to talk to them whenever I want, and not being completely updated on each other's situations is just something that is hard to get used to.

It's what was making chele so sad, I guess. CHANGE is hard to get used to. Moving means that I'll have to make a whole new set of friends; and even though it isn't really new to me since I've done it loads before in the past year, it's just difficult to leave all your established relationships behind. With friends like these, whom you've practically spent most of your teenage life with (chele felicia geeru) you take for granted that they'll always be around.

Also regarding friends, now that I kind of have a social life (this concept is entirely new to me) it's hard to keep in contact with old friends and maintain the conversation with new ones. I don't know how to strike a balance. Sometimes I feel like I'm spending too much time and effort maintaining my online/ distance friendships, and not spending enough time with my local ones. Admittedly distance friendships take more effort to keep going. But I don't want to lose them; my friends who live so far away are important to me. At times I feel guilty that I'm spending too much time with my "new" friends, or with the writer-people, than with people like jacque or peter or kimberly. Or I'm spending too many facebook posts on people overseas-- pooky and chele, as opposed to kiru.

I get the feeling that my friends are monitoring my facebook profile page to see who dominates the most-mentioned on my wall. I don't want to feel like I'm leaving anyone out, so sometimes if I want to mention someone, I'd rather not, because it would seem selfish.

I guess it's just that the concept of having many friends outside of school is STILL terribly new to me. (even though it's been happening since nov 2009) but now that I'm actually out of school and have time to socialise, juggling different friendships is quite hard to handle. It's all a bit confusing, really, because I want to give ALL my friends the same amount of attention, and I try to measure this "attention" by the amount of tweets/ dailybooth posts/ facebook posts I mention them in. All I really want to do is just spend time with whoever I want whenever I want... which is pretty much what I'm currently doing, actually.

2011-01-23T01:41:00.000+08:00

I dreamt that I was in a holiday camp, and we were all confined-- my mum my sister and me, and we had to sleep in bunks like mockingjay. I was sleeping on a bunk bed, and a classmate from primary school was sleeping on the top bunk. And sometimes people had to kill each other. We had to fulfill a PE requirement. I had to make coffee/ tea for people ( can’t remember why) and it was a competition. I won the competition. Sometimes people called me camel; sometimes they called me valerie, or “val”. I distinctly remember that my name was really nicole, but no one seemed to believe me.

2011-01-12T04:03:00.002+08:00

I don't know what to think now.

feeling a bit pissy.

tomorrow is wednesday. Because it is wednesday, I'll have to film a video.

I have a bad feeling that I'll be stuck with nothing to do after my volunteer gig.

Which is all fine and dandy if I want to film videos and write and read all day, but it is not fine if I want to go to leakycon.

Sometimes I'm afraid that the choices I'm making are the wrong ones.

But sometimes I remember that I'm still 18, and I might as well take the chance to muck around and have fun while I still can.

Also I don't know what kind of career I want.

okay! Reasons I don't like Borders:

I used to go there as a kid, remember? As young as p1/p2, and get a book on the weekends, or not get any books at all. I would sit in the kids section and read until my neck ached, and my mum would have to find me and I'd have so much trouble picking out a book. It's also where I found my HatP cd, and the Spring Awakening one, and the Pan's Labyrinth VCD that I got michele to buy because I wasn't 16 yet. In RG, we used to go there after exams just to browse, and geeru would head straight to the Terry Prachett section to ogle. I went there once after exams and saw adeline, and then in sec 4 I went with my classmates.

I don't really like it now because it holds so many memories. Well particularly because of jinghua and how he felt me up and I panicked and took flight. Also because of that time I went with darran and loki and darran talked about himself working in borders. -_-

Also because jacqueline/ thurisaz83 says the shifts are shit and working there is shit.

So no borders for me!

I don't understand why this is an issue, honestly; there are so many other places to work in.

I'm only thinking of this because geeru asked me.

But it's not her fault at all.

And it got me thinking how many ~memories~ have been formed at borders.

2010-12-09T03:03:00.001+08:00

I feel like I can trust and learn and open myself to new experiences again.

It feels so good.

I AM A ROCKSTAR OF THE ROAD

2010-12-08T03:30:00.001+08:00

2010-12-08T01:55:00.004+08:00

I hate JC.

The whole idea disgusts me.

Last thursday I was walking into school, thinking that it wasn't so bad, wondering why I hated going to school. And then I remembered. Just being in the destructive environment is enough to make one pessimistic. Some people may say that if I have a cynical outlook, things will generally turn out to be... dismal. I tried to be optimistic-- I don't complain about JC to anyone I speak to in real life, and I tried to make the best of it while I was in it. I just refrain from thinking about why I hate it so much and tried to work with it while I could.

But now that it's finally over, I think I can be free to say why I hate it so much.

There were good things:

1. Lit lessons

2. RRP

3. Bio Soc until august 2009

4. linghui dorcas jiaohua jialei elizabeth meiying

5. being able to get a good review from at least 1 teacher

6. the externally-hired guidance counselor

But that's about it. Here's the things that I couldn't stand:

1. the fact that people mostly like to talk about grades and how to do better and how to outcompete someone

2. If they're not talking about the above, they're talking about who's dating whom.

3. Or mimicking viral videos from the internet

4. People in my class who don't bother to be well-informed and choose to be ignorant about issues that affect us

5. The abysmal level of intellectual discourse

6. The fact that everybody's in here to get more things on their shiny CV and nothing else-- this fact can't be helped.

7. People who have a radar for any form of non-conformity, and it gets picked up on and talked about because... there is nothing else to talk about

8. The counselor who fucking took out a bunch of crayons and drawing block, and lego people, and asked me to "play with them", and afterwards said that we didn't make any "progress". She also smelt like a used sanitary pad, but I will not hold that against her.

9. crappy GP teachers

10. crappy attitude of just studying to pass the exam

And then today at dinner I realised (not for the first time) that the path I am choosing for myself is marginally unorthodox, and I felt like I was walking on my own. I don't know. Sometimes I really abhor being with my family, because they make such a big fuss about everything. And I feel this urgent need to break away and find somewhere where I can be useful, you know? The level of "breaking away" is debatable. But I have the feeling that I am the one entirely responsible for my future, and I'm walking this road on my own. It's scary but empowering at the same time.

Scary because for the first time in my life, I honestly don't know what I'll be doing for the next 2 years. I might pass my As, I might not; I might be able to go away, I might not; I might be studying anthro or even biology-- I might even find myself in Darwin counting turtle eggs... I honestly don't know. I don't even know whether I'll go into arts management after uni because of my BA, or end up working in NParks. Hell, I don't even know whether I'll be working in singapore.

But I have lots of faith in whatever I choose? I trust myself to choose something that I will be content with. Or if the choice is made for me I just have to live with things. For now, I just like having control, while I have it. This is probably blind faith in Fate. sigh.

I don't think I would have had the courage to break away or to talk to different people if not for JC, in this oddly convoluted way. If I hadn't hated JC so much I wouldn't have continued talking to darran and kiru for example, gotten myself so involved with the valkyrieknights, or immersed myself in the internet community. So I suppose there's a bright side to all this.

2010-12-07T03:44:00.003+08:00

The Writer by Ellie Goulding really brings me back to when I watched KickAss and I liked the song she did there. That was in april. Ah, good times. I miss them.

I realise the first times of everything are so so precious, because you never get a "first time" again. Every time you experience it hereafter will be different. (sigh)

I think right now I'm very grateful for the fact that I have friends who are so accepting of my insanity, and love me, and support me. I feel like I'm being surrounded in a cocoon of affection and it is such a comforting feeling. Being in contact with JC or anything connected to it (eg grad night) makes me remember how fortunate I am

2010-11-16T02:57:00.001+08:00

okay last year I was watching one of jbdazen's liveshows at 4am and being stupidly ecstatic

This is the song that was in my head the next morning.

2010-11-16T01:43:00.003+08:00

So Charisse talked about this: (yes, I still read her blog but we're not close friends I feel like such a stalker)

cynicism, low-hanging fruit
Every time I reread The Importance of Being Earnest I discover something new.

It's perfectly easy to be cynical. You don't gain anything from it either except a self-righteous stroking of both the intellect and the ego. Yeah the weak little ego that most likely had to face the cruelty of the world and couldn't take it.

I'm tired of people being weak and refusing to face up to the fact that sometimes you just have to face up to the world.
You're not being romantic when you say you wish the world was all fairies and lollipops growing from christmas trees, and that since it isn't you're just going to hide your teeny little head in the sand forever. That's just plain dumb and guess what, you can have a reasonable facsimile of a world like that if you wake up and create it for yourself.
I'm tired of whining, but not because I don't care. It's because I know how much better it could be for you.

Seriously why why why can't people see that giving up short term pleasures for long term happiness is the only way they can achieve the latter? So much for homo economicus.

Delay your mindless self-gratification and wake up your idea.

About short and long-term goals, sometimes I think I have to think about it myself.

Right now, I don't have any long-term goals.

I do have Dreams, though, which are very unlikely to be fulfilled, and they are:

a) Going to a liberal arts college and after that doing an MFA in film. I don't know what I'll do after the MFA, but I (hope) will be very happy doing the MFA.

b) Majoring in Biology in university, with a concentration in Ecology and Evolution. Spend lots of time at coastlines, wet bogs, or coniferous forests. Die happy.

c) Majoring in Anthropology in university, and spending equal amounts of time talking about gender studies and uncovering skeletons at field sites in Morocco. I would feel clever talking about feminism, and I'll meet a cute girl in the GSA, and we will write for autostraddle together. We'll live in a cute loft and fill it with lots of books, and she wouldn't mind my vegetarianism, and we will go to Tegan and Sara concerts. When I post outfits on chictopia she will be my model or photographer as she feels like, and I will make short films starring her. We'll listen to indie music and dance and not care who is watching. Replace "girl" with "guy" as necessary.

You see in all of those Dreams everyone says I will have no way to feed myself, and there is no talk of this abstract concept of a Career Beyond University, hence they cannot be long-term goals.

My short-term goals are to get enough money to go to LeakyCon and to not get disowned by my mother until she stops funding my education.

Sometimes I get so sad I lose sight of my Dreams and think they will never ever come true unless I was born 50 years ago or 50 years in the future. So I pull out my short-term goals and they make me stop feeling sad. I don't have any long-term goals at the moment because I do not understand the abstract concept of a Career. All that I care about in the next year is whether I go to LeakyCon, and whether I'll get to move out of the country. Quite frankly, I don't have an inkling of what will make me happy in 5 years time, or when I am 30. Also, I have very little faith in 1) my Dreams becoming true and 2) me still being satisfied with them when they do come true. I am additionally intensely afraid of being exceedingly sad for long periods of time. Therefore I find it hard to "give up short term pleasures for long term happiness".

Many people say that The Real World is shittier than school. From what I've seen of The Real World, I'm not even sure the other people and I are living in the same World.

2010-11-08T00:40:00.002+08:00

I wish there was a reblog function or something with yingling's blog. I could put this on tumblr but I won't look back on it, and people who read my tumblr don't read chinese >( so here:

就只剩下三天了.
很快的,考试将到来,
彻底把我认识的世界颠倒.

其实害怕的并非考试,
而是考试过后.
虽然大家嘴巴说很希望考试赶快结束,
然后就有大把时间玩了休息,
但是大家也明白这次大考后,
意味着大家已经离开了简单的校园生活.

以后,犯错误是没有回头路的.
以后,你的成功失败都不能以简单的A和F分出.
大家很残忍的被推入着可怕的世界,
有的只是怀胎九月(就是大考和上大学的那时间)的时间适应.

这次的考试就是我们最大的辅助.
若考得好,
以后的日子也会顺一些;
考得不好就得拐个大圈,
生活更艰难一些.

虽然说一切都会在死亡那刻化为乌有,
但是生活着,总希望一切比较美好,
少点痛苦,多一点快乐.

所以大家的压力越来越大,
希望考试能助自己一臂之力,
而不是起反作用,
害得自己没好日子过.

真是烦啊.

2010-11-03T05:16:00.002+08:00

the other day I put my mp3 on shuffle, and it turned up a bunch of spring awakening songs. I was singing along to Left Behind, and I started crying.

Even after all these years, SA is still so resonant.

2010-11-01T02:58:00.002+08:00

okay I remember listening to this in march or february. I remember it being really poignant because at that time I was sad about something but now I can't remember what the HECK I was feeling sad about. -_-

Does anyone know? not that I expect people to keep track of my moods, haha. But I want to know WHY it feels like it means something but I don't know what it MEANS.

Also, it's officially a year since I saw amanda palmer live.

I would like to think that so many things have changed, and it has, really. I don't know, maybe she started everything. I've really liked this past year, all things considered. Sometimes in my head change happens overnight, but I keep forgetting that growing up and moving on is a continuous process that takes time, and is only as fast as the effort I put into it.

Not that I want to grow up quickly. Or do I? DUN DUN DUN.

I want to improve myself, definitely. i.e. get better at talking to people, and at chatting to people I don't know in real life. this is something I didn't really have to do very often before, but now I realise that it is advantageous to have Connections (and also fun to boot) so it would be a good idea if I got used to this.

I think I'm also comforted by the fact that I'm more optimistic and less desperate that I was a year ago.

or am I just trying to convince myself that I've changed?

I feel like I've changed.

I look at last year's blogposts and I think that I'm so different from the person who wrote them.

I feel more secure with myself, if you know what I mean. I also feel more sure that everything is going to turn out right and things are going to be okay. I'm less uncomfortable with who I really am. I'm less afraid of being myself, whoever "myself" is. Still trying to figure that part out, heh.

I don't know. I like the person I am today more than I like the person I was a year ago. Or this might be just egoism at work. I think I'm more able to kid myself that I'm adept at communicating with people. And then I realised that "confidence" just involves a lot of bluffing yourself, and hoping that the other person will be hoodwinked as well. When I'm chatting to someone really well, I tend to pretend that I'm the ideal version of myself? Let's call this tumblenc. When I'm in a conversation and everything is going well, I pretend that I'm tumblenc. And naturally socializing would involve a lot of pretending.

But sometimes pretending is tiring, or I don't have any energy to pretend, and then I don't really like talking to people much. Trying to be tumblenc is tiring, more so than I perceive. It's like I can be out with someone for, say, 4 hours, and all that time I'm tumblenc. I only realise when I'm tired when I'm alone, like in the bathroom. And then when I stop focusing and my brainspace starts becoming my own, I realise that I'm really actually tired. I enjoy being tumblenc, but sometimes it's exhausting. Sometimes I discover that I don't have enough energy to be completely tumblenc, and things don't go the way I want them to. And then I get exhausted. Sometimes I get really exhausted and I don't know why, because I haven't been doing anything physically demanding. Maybe I can attribute it to the pretending.

When I get really exhausted, and I feel my brainspace is reaching its maximum capability, I decide that I can't really handle meeting anyone that week and shut myself off. I don't know yet if this exacerbates the problem or resolves it. But lately I've just been really tired and overwhelmed, sometimes stressed. Sometimes I'm really uncertain about the future, but I try not to think about it because it makes me sad. Today I was wondering why I was so sad when I was in sec 3, and for the life of me I still cannot understand why. Whenever I think about that, though, I think that what I'm going through now cannot be worse than what I went through before, because in my memory it was really bad.

2010-10-22T02:33:00.002+08:00

http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z301/theclotheshorse/NYCFW2010/IMG_1667.jpg
http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z301/theclotheshorse/NYC%20Fall%202010/IMG_5222-1.jpg

I want to have hair like her! :D The fringe, the redness...
http://theclothes.blogspot.com/

2010-10-13T13:07:00.003+08:00

我想，如果自我认知并无法给我自信，
那么什么才会呢？
我是要让自己所有的缺点消失才会相信自己是好的吗？
那时不可能的啊！
我的缺陷是我的一部分，如果改变了，我只是对一个陌生的躯壳感到满意。
或许只要让自己再漂亮一点，聪明一点，勇敢一点。。。。

到头来，只有改变成不是自己的自己才能让我更相信自己的能力。
这也没办法。
自信是无德无能的庸人唯一的安慰，
唯一能让我放下追求完美得到自信的方法，
恐怕只有接受和以往我的缺陷才行吧。

自恋一点，自爱一点，自信一点。

So my friend wrote the above. She asked the question; "Is it true that one will only have self esteem if one does not have ANY negative qualities?" (我是要让自己所有的缺点消失才会相信自己是好的吗？) Because you tend to think lowly of yourself because of your negative qualities, and sometimes, if you're feeling exceptionally low, you think, "oh, if only I wasn't _______". But everyone has their weaknesses, and most people have self esteem regardless, so why isn't it possible to feel good about oneself?

She continues to say that our weaknesses are part of our identities; that they are inherently part of us. She asks the question, "In the end, won't I have to change my entire personality in order for me to have confidence in my own abilities?" (到头来，只有改变成不是自己的自己才能让我更相信自己的能力。)

Which made me think about how I regularly think about myself. (meta-thinking!) In the end, she encourages everyone to "love themselves a little more". (自恋一点，自爱一点，自信一点。) <3

2010-10-06T02:04:00.005+08:00

hello!

So today there were more than the usual blogposts in my feed aggregator.

I'd like to respond!

I don't care what I did in RJ or what I did as part of school or what I did outside academics. I don't care about anything in relation to RJ. I don't care :D :D :D

fin.

2010-10-04T02:00:00.004+08:00

B-quartet again! I picked this one because there's drums in it and you can see the DRUMMER. (more about that later)

Anyway. Went to see them again on saturday, and they are SO much better live. Admittedly everyone is better live (except Backyard Surgeons, who are better on myspace) but this was a really different experience. I think they tried to make it an integrated audio/ visual thing, because there was a projector set up, as well as an OHP, for light demonstrations.

To start, the whole set-up made a difference to how you would listen to their music. The performance was held in the Substation Theatre, and the entire band was spread out across the room. The audience had to sit on the floor in the middle of the band, so to speak, and some people were sitting really close to the bass guitarist, or the supporting vocalist. The lead vocalist was at one end of the dance-studio sized theatre, the sound engineer and guitarist were next to him, OHP was right in the middle, the drummer was near the OHP projection, the other guitarists were at the corners of the room opposite the lead vocalist, and the supporting vocalist was at the corner opposite the drummer. (unfortunately, I am not learned enough to identify who was playing bass.)

In this way, with the audience in the middle, you could see the leader of the band communicating with his bandmates, and the vibe they had going on. Rather than playing to us, I felt that B-quartet were playing through us, so to speak, as if we were a conduit for their music. When we were all sitting on the floor, you could feel the drums and the bass vibrating through the floorboards, and you felt as if the music was possessing you for a little bit. I said earlier that attending a gig was like giving permission to the artist to take some of your time, and I really enjoyed giving B-quartet my time and mind space.

All this time and I haven't even discussed how they sound like! The whole time I felt as if I was being reminded of something, and then I realised that they're is like Jack Conte and Ursula Rucker COMBINED. I like the range of instruments they use-- they used an oboe, and ethnic malay instruments, among others. The lead singer plays as if he is in his own world (hence the resemblance to Jack Conte) They also do spoken word to some impressive riffs and synth music. (hence the resemblance to Ursula Rucker.) I like the way they use the pedal to record and playback and loop :)

The drummer is also super INTENSE and really into it. I can't describe it. It's hard to find any online recordings that is remotely like what he plays, because the live experience is so different, and so real. It might be a far stretch, but if you listened to Brian Viglione's drums on the last few tracks of Face of the Sun, it's just like that. The drums are mesmerising and they almost put the audience into a trance-- I could feel myself moving to the same beat, along with other people in the crowd, and the guitar players were also getting into it at the same time. That's why I like live music-- it's like sharing the experience with total strangers in a collective body. They played music video-like film at the same time, and the images were kind of surreal. There were lots of jump cuts, obnoxious, blinding flashes, and playbacks of mundane things like rain falling on a window pane. Do you see what I'm getting at? To describe the experience as "trippy" is an understatement.

I was talking to a guy after the show:

PERSON: So how did you find it?

ME: I liked it; it was like an acid trip 8D

PERSON: So have you had one before? *cough* excuse me, I meant, have you heard them before?

LOL.

2010-09-28T02:51:00.003+08:00

Good stuff. They're playing at the Substation on saturday, so I might see them :)

Prelims were over today, attempted (the nominal word here is "attempted") to have lunch with Chele and Nat, but failed horribly xD Because me and geeru were kind of really late to meet Chele and Nat, but they'd already had lunch and a bit of a shop around already. But Nat! Was nice to see her, I haven't been out with her in ages. <3

Geeru dragged me to this japanese buffet, which is all-you-can-eat, with a 1 hour time limit. I like eating! I like buffets! There were a ton of vegetarian options, which made me a happy bunny indeed ^^ You would think this was a perfect fit, right? xD We ended up eating so much we were going to burst. At one point geeru flipped down the timer (everyone has one, they set it for 50 min) because it was so stressful haha. But the buffet was nice; it had omu rice, curry rice, soup and bread, japanese pasta, pizza, ICE CREAM CREPES, and tons of mousse-type cakes. Next time we plan to start with dessert. #strategy Needless to say, I skipped dinner today.

After that we went to the art museum (SAM) and it was nice visiting with someone, because you could talk about the pictures and squee. *reminds self to send MoMA song to geeru* I like that Art is as much a process for the creator as for the viewer; if the viewer didn't feel anything or think anything about the picture, then the picture almost ceases to exist. I'm getting philosophical now. I really really want to take a philo class in uni, seeing how arka is enjoying his classes at BU. Not sure if I'll apply to BU, but I'll probably apply to the liberal arts colleges in New England because they have the SEA semester thing. And it's a easy eliminator.

Gosh I miss geeru. We only get to see each other what, once a month? And that is way too little. Today we talked about how we would keep in touch, as we looked at people's correspondence. Geeru kept on bringing it up, and I couldn't help but be reminded by imminent separation. We've been friends for ages now. I don't believe that you can measure friendship by how long you've known the person, but geeru's my go-to person for everything, and always has been. She's done things for me I don't even think she's aware of.

I'll miss her.

2010-09-17T02:00:00.002+08:00

watched this again and got emotional xD

I first watched it 2 years ago.

ah, good times.

2010-09-11T03:18:00.002+08:00

new song! You Say Party are going to tour with Tegan and Sara, and they're a canadian band. #woop Canadian acts are awesome. Although I may only say this because of alanis morisette, and The Nifflers, therefore I am Not A Reliable Source. But still.

They sound like a cross between The XX (2010 Mercury prize winner! yay) and Ellie Goulding, or just like any other hipster stuff that you're hearing nowadays. They're not as dancy as Robots in Disguise, though. Just good not-top-40 stuff to drown yourself in. And honestly. How could you not listen to a band with a name like this?

"So, what kind of music are you into?"

"Oh, just You Say Party." [+1000 indie points]

see? Perfect for any social situation where you'd like to demonstrate your refined taste in music.

2010-09-07T04:23:00.001+08:00

they sound like the Beatles! or John Lennon. go look up their myspace; they have entire albums uploaded there, and the sound quality is better.

2010-08-26T03:29:00.002+08:00

esther passed away today.

I don't know what to think. I'm thinking so many things but I'm too lazy to wallow in it.

This will probably be a bunch of succinct, disjointed thoughts.

I really should make a public blog, so that people online can keep in touch with me better, rather than through short bursts of tweets.

This blog/ personal posts are mainly read by pooky, michele and geeru anyway; so I could write emails to them instead. Anyone else reading this who would also like to be updated personally please tell me, and I'll email you.

When I got home this afternoon, I was just following up on @maureenjohnson's earlier tweet about esther being critically ill. @arkapain also said some stuff about it, and he was worried to wake up to find out that esther died. Checked esther's caringbridge to find out that she had been admitted into the ICU, and wrote on her guestbook. I was optimistic, and thought that this crisis would one that we could tide over.

Later on in the evening, 5 hours later, I checked twitter to read that someone had RTed john green's tweet about esther's passing. I couldn't believe it at first, but then it shocked me that this could happen.

I keep thinking about how much life she had in front of her; people to love and be loved by, school to graduate from, death eaters to defeat.

Selfishly I want the world to stop, and everyone on my twitter feed to just stop tweeting about their stupid insignificant lives and feel sad about her death.

Of course not everyone I follow knows who esther was (it's so strange typing "was") and just. It's ridiculously counter productive but I don't know I just want people to stop being happy; but the world goes on.

Now I'm thinking about mortality and death and how your existence: no matter how famous you were, you will still only remain a tiny blip on the space-time continuum.

I can't talk about this to my friends irl; they won't understand. I mean I can tell them about esther but they just don't feel the extent of loss. I'm just bathing in the condolences and tribute videos and tumblr posts. Kind of glad that there are people out there who feel the same way.

I don't know. It's presumptuous to say that my sadness is too large for others to understand, but there were so many people like john green, arka, andrew slack, lauren, matt, etc who have met her in person, and for them the loss is far greater. I can't even begin to imagine the kind of grief her family and close friends might feel.

the reason why I'm so sad for her is because I know that she had her own circle of nerdfighter friends like I do, and she likes harry potter, and there are people like me who like her. I'm terribly sorry for her friends. She was wise beyond her years, and had so much promise, you know? I've read her blogs, watched her videos: she was an intelligent, articulate person, and when you see her, you just know, she would grow and do great things.

oh dear. I don't know how she thought about her future. In high school, you're supposed to plan your career and have your goals, and consider what you're going to major in in university-- how do you do all this when you know you might not live to do so? How do you live knowing that you're going to die? How do you keep going and not try to off yourself, knowing that treatment is a burden on your family? How do you keep going, with such a lousy quality of life? How do you live, knowing in small ways your sickness is hurting the people who care for you? What motivation do you have to live when you know that you're not going to grow up and have a job and achieve things?

She must have been enormously brave and strong. You rarely-- towards the end; you almost couldn't tell she was sick-- she was so enthusiastic and talkative. I mean. It's so easy for her to wallow in self-pity and feel sorry for herself and not talk to anybody, especially when you're an adolescent. But she stayed positive and happy and made the effort to love people and talk about life.

arka: "I don’t know I figured I would just tell you how awesome she is since she’s probably not going to be… around much longer."

Sometimes on youtube and twitter, the environment is mostly fun and not serious, but sometimes, when things happen (like this, and like the time tom had an accident and went into a coma) that you kind of think your posts about song lyrics or how your day was pales so much in comparison to someone's death. I can't help but feel it's disrespectful to talk about anything else other than this, and I kind of not want other people to talk about anything else. I don't know what is significant enough to tweet? I don't want to fill the twitterverse with a bunch of useless jokes that take up too much internet real estate.

At the same time, at some point things have to go back to normal, I guess.

Also I think esther wouldn't have wanted the whole world to stop if she died.

I'm just shocked that this happened, to such a young member of our community. As in, she was a part of the community I am grateful for all that it has done, and I know how this network of friends is so incredibly helpful for someone who feels alone. Even though I haven't met her, esther feels like a friend. She's a part of the community that has helped me so much. She knows what it's like to help and be helped, and I think that's why the loss is so sore. She understood and upheld the values nerdfighters hold true to our hearts: bravery, loyalty, kindness, humility, and in this way we have tragically lost one of us.

2010-08-24T00:58:00.002+08:00

Music recommendation! They were featured in the papers today, and they're going to be in singapore 9th/10th September at TAB http://www.tab.com.sg/ this bar in orchard hotel.

haha idk why I'm saying all that, because none of you reading this would go, but I just like how they sound :) :)

And TAB sounds like a cool place to go, because they're hosting ryan cabrera and david choi, before The Album Leaf comes on. Otherwise it's convenient for music recommendations lol.

p.s. The Album Leaf sounds like they were too lazy to come up with something more original xD like that time in sec 2 we had to do a music elective and come up with an imaginary recording company, and michele, geeru and I named our company "Gramaphone Records".

#funfact

2010-08-20T03:52:00.002+08:00

I interrupt regular transmission to bring you this:

I watched this when I was around 4 or 5, and it made me want to go to a water park so bad.

According to the comments, it seems like I wasn't the only one xD

... I still like water parks, but I have only been twice in my life-- once when I was 6, and another time was earlier this year, with geeru and michele <3

Maybe I'll go when I go to leakycon! #plans

2010-08-18T01:01:00.002+08:00

Amanda Palmer recommended this kid who was at a college music summer school in her area: http://bit.ly/d6j8rU

He's Tristan Allen, and he's basically insane at the piano, does MUSIC PRODUCTION/ SYNTH, and is 17.

Looking at this reminds me how I am basically an asshat with a very big mouth. The people from twitter who live in Singapore all have a Thing, which means they write, have websites, make music etc. I can't do ANYTHING. I can't write fiction, most of the time I spend on the internet now is just being smart-alecky on twitter, or making vlogs. As in, ANYONE can make a vlog. Anyone can turn on a camera and talk about himself. That action in itself is almost disgustingly narcissistic; I don't see how anyone can be entertained by it. (okay I watch people like meekakitty and wheezywaiter and the vlogbrothers vlog, but that's different. They're funny.)

I mean ok I have a thing with vlogging: I don't see any concrete artistic value in it. You put in minimal effort and afterwards you have this product that you can't exactly be proud of, because you didn't even try to make it good, you know? It's not like with a review or one of the videos I took longer to make, and even with those things-- I'm just being critical of someone else's work, and going all smart assery on it.

And then afterwards with my videos, after I'm done editing, I can't watch them again. I can't imagine that I put this shit up and expect people to watch, because the videos suck so bad. But I don't want to take it down because I've spent 2 hours straight editing, and with harder videos it takes more than 1 session, so it would be effort gone to waste. With editing I really like the fact that you have the power to make everything perfect and the timing spot on, which is why it takes so long.

People ask; "So do you write?" and I can't say anything. Then they're like: "So how did you get to know the nanowrimo people?" "I'm just a fan idiot who reads F&SF." Which is akin to saying that you put yourself within the ranks of Stephen Fry because you watch television.

I just feel that I've spent the last few years of my life doing... nothing. At the end of this I have no skills, I'm not particularly good in anything but I'm interested in everything; I'm not even good at academic things. This is a direct result of spending all your free time reading. People say to get better at video making I have to make more videos, but it's not something I can manage right now, especially with prelims. Videos of reasonable quality need scripts, locations, different angles, daytime lighting, time to edit... I really should work on it once the As are over.

This leads sensible adults to ask the question: "What are you doing this for? Isn't this a whole waste of time? Shouldn't you be spending time after your Alevels doing your college reading?" (My mum suggested starting university in JANUARY because she thought I would waste the 8 months I'm out of school.)

"Do you think this would, in any way, help in furthering your career?"

Which is a good question, really, because nowadays no one does anything that wouldn't look good on a resume. I'm not even intending to study film in university because I don't want to give up on fieldwork opportunities in environmental biology.

And people will be like: "Will this pay your bills?" Which is, as we all know, the question of all questions. Let's be honest. Most of my peers are going to university to be able to earn a higher salary. If you spent all that money on your college education and you're not going to be able to reap the returns of your investment in the future, university would be a fruitless exercise.

I don't want to agree with that last statement :( In an ideal world where I don't need to repay my parents in student debt, I would major in theatre studies and get an MFA in film. I'm seriously considering going to a liberal arts college and then getting an MFA in film afterwards, but I think I'll need to fund the MFA myself, because my parents would flip.

Although. Viewing university as an investment is completely valid, because afterwards when you're trying to pay back your student loans when you're 30, you'll want to be able to feel that university was worth all the money. Also sometimes you can't afford to spend money on university without full knowledge that you will be capitalising on this opportunity to earn a higher salary.

I'll probably come back to this in the future. Maybe it's just me and my annoying tic of having to compare myself with *anyone* who's the same age as I am.

2010-08-17T01:43:00.002+08:00

hello :) it's been some time. Today's theme music will be Our American Cousin, by Molly Lewis. This is a fanvideo! Even though the recording's pretty crappy, I like the lighting in the last lincoln bit.

Been watching (and re-loving) molly lewis because @HereBeGeeks on twitter gifted me a w00tstock poster from the time they went to #sdcc !

My birthday week went as follows:

tuesday--- met Peter from @HereBeGeeks to get my poster, we talked about geek stuff and conventions and amateur singaporean writers. So awesome meeting people from twitter.

wednesday-- finished reading Demon's Covenant, talked to kiru on msn for the first few hours of turning 18, made a vlog.

thursday-- real birthday, received lots of well wishes, thank you <3

friday-- crazy long lunch with geeru that's long overdue. We ate. And ate. And ate. till the place told us they were closing down.

So! That's what I did. This weekend was not as awesome, though. The 'rents.

Managed to get some mugging done on saturday, which was good.

It's about time that I buckled down, and last week was a good pick-me-up :)

2 weeks to GP, 4 weeks till other papers start!

3 and a half months until all this shit is over. WOOP.

2010-08-10T03:54:00.002+08:00

Been looking at universities.

This makes me kind of excited and pumped :) idk to really learn the things I'm passionate about, and to start life in an entirely different place with people I don't know-- it's so exciting :D Kind of grateful that I have this chance to go away ><

Although it's been really hard to make a decision, and it's been hard trying to talk things over with my mum. I'm so indecisive as it is, and you just have to throw in another factor (sigh) and it's not just my mum; it's my dad, it's the #1 question relatives ask, etc. But I'm glad the people I've told about university-- especially the people I know online-- aren't pressuring me about uni applications, or trying to do the whole "when I was your age, I wanted to go to ____ and study ___" They've just been really supportive and helpful-- holtza, sarahcoldheart, kiru-- so it's nice :)

Sometimes I feel bad about getting to go to university so soon when most of the #adcrew-- avariel, jo, sarah, rsilvers are going/ went to poly.
It's such a silly thing to worry about, though. But still. I don't really mention it in front of them.

Now I'm trying to narrow down to 6 choices on my UCAS application, and it's so hard >.> because I'm going by course, and the 3 courses I want to look for are conservation biology, anthropology, and um. something. Some academic thing that will let me look at society and culture and maybe a little bit of philo. I want to do philo. St Thomas (this liberal arts place in canada) has the aquinas programme and University College Amsterdam has the Big Questions program, which basically means you read all the stuff major thinkers have written, and you attempt to discuss morality and ethics and humanity, and it's all pretty fascinating. I think I want to have a chance to develop my critical thinking like that. And write essays. I need to learn how to write better essays. At school I've only ever done machiavelli, but I liked it. I like the big moral and religious questions SF novels raise, especially Le Guin's.

Sometimes I worry that I'll never get in for any of my UCAS choices, and I'll have to go through Clearing and Extras, which is a pain in the ass. You end up having to negotiate and practically have to beg for a place anywhere, and they throw you in the least popular courses. Fingers crossed! And I'll be spending a lot more time on my prelims.

P.S. It's not completely decided that I'll be going to uni in the UK; things are still pretty open right now. I'll be filling in all my 6 UCAS choices, but I'll also do the 3 choices that the ontario admissions people allow, and I'll be applying to University College Amsterdam and Leiden University maybe, and probably a handful of new england universities. Not to mention macquarie in australia. Just decided on the UK first because the admission deadline, because my mum insists I try (and will get rejected) for Oxford, is on 15th October.

2010-07-28T02:57:00.002+08:00

Here are The Pinholes! heard them play at night fest a few weeks ago.

I love live music, but it has to be /good/ live music. The Pinholes are a local band which plays mostly tribute music of the 60s, but they also have a few originals of their own. I really liked their set, and when you're watching a band live, the atmosphere is totally different. What venue the band plays in affects the experience as well.

At night fest they put The Pinholes at the Peranakan Museum, and the museum has 3 floors, and the band plays on the first floor. The lobby space is really tiny, so some people stood on the 2nd and 3rd floors to watch them play. I stood on the 2nd floor, and it was awesome because the bass and the drums were so loud that I could feel the music vibrating through the banisters. I really really like it when the music engulfs you and takes you somewhere and fills your head-- it's a feeling you can't get from listening to music through your headphones or through speakers at home. And when you see a band live, you see the different ways the artist can interpret a song, and see the take he does on it. It's like how different actors take the same script but are able to have unique interpretations of it through the inflictions and emphasis on dramatic significance.

It's not the best place to play in because some of your audience is in the rafters and there isn't much space for people to stand in front where you can see them, but the great thing was that the band made the most of it. In between songs there was some banter with the audience, and the lead singer tried to talk to the people watching directly above, and chat with random people in the crowd.

The energy and the intimacy of the gig was great, too, because some people were dancing in the front on the first floor, and band was surrounded on both sides by people watching from the staircases. So for the last song, the lead singer carried his wireless mic stand through the audience in the front, up one set of staircases, through the second floor, and down the the other set of stairs, rockstar style :) And they responded to an encore!

If you have a chance, you have to listen to live bands-- even if you don't know them ;) You may think local bands aren't that great (and yes, some of them are kind of crappy) but part of the experience is allowing the artist to have a few minutes of your attention and time, and if you like, you can lend them your soul for a while, and then afterwards you can make your judgement. Sometimes I there's a slight risk with seeing a band you don't know for the first time- like a blind date- but that't the whole thrill of it. I like that at live gigs it feels like I'm giving permission to the artist to have a little bit of my time; that the whole experience is a shared agreement between listener and artist, and in return you... give yourself to the music.

Both parties know that they're taking a risk: the band doesn't know if it will be well-received, and the listener doesn't know if he'll like the music or not, but in that short space of time, a contract is being made. A sort of mutual lending, if you wish- an understood agreement, that if I'm giving my soul to you, I want to trust you to take me on a journey-- and you let yourself be taken away for that short set. Judgement can be reserved for later.

2010-07-21T02:30:00.002+08:00

Today was an icky day. But I don't want to talk about it.

I mean I can choose to:

a) wallow on my own- not a good idea, will only make things worse

b) wallow with someone else-- not a good idea either

c) distract myself with work and things

So I'm choosing option c)!

Recent Good News:

1. My Demon's Lexicon review will be in the paper sometime SOON :D

2. I've been inducted to style council!

mm yes and if any of you are interested, this is more articulate than I am, and very precise as well, if you want to understand.

2010-07-14T04:33:00.003+08:00

Connor Goodwin

We’d head west, no set destination, just a direction. Chasing the sun, making the day last for all its worth. Hopefully the car would break down. We’d have to walk for ages to the next town. We’d stay with a family, do chores in exchange for meals. Once the car was fixed we’d barter with whatever we had, and continue on our way. We might head north next, wanting the only warmth to be each other’s bodies. It would be a road trip to discover that other person more than anything.

I think you'd like that quote :) it's from the morning news.

I'm waiting for a video to upload. I should be sleeping, but I can't sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a long day; I end school at 5 :( but with breaks in between. I'll probably use them to finish up on homework.

Sometimes I think the youtube uploader/ imovie rendering thing lies to me. It's a lot less painful than editing/ trying to upload on windows XP, though. I remember leaving my substitute video for bestwishesfromNL to upload for the whole freaking day-- 8 to 9 hours, and it still wouldn't be done. And then I would edit on the laptop with wmm, with a ridiculously small trackpad, and the stupid thing would crash every hour, so I had to remember to save the edits or resort to redoing them. So I'm grateful for the smooth editing/ uploading experience.

I don't know what to say on here.

I'm pretending to sound very musing and philosophical but really there are just plastic bags billowing about in the emptiness that is my brain. *billows*

umm hmm so the other day I got kind of ish rejected by the international book tours people. (international book tours is this blog-thing which sends out Advance Reader's Copies or donated books for people to review. Once you're done reviewing the book, you send it to the next person on the list. And so forth. The whole point is that they want books to have international exposure, so they're more likely to pick you for a tour if you live somewhere not in the UK/US.) They said it was because my book blog is inactive, since the last review I had written was in nov 2009. I'm not mad or anything, I'm just surprised that I stupidly put my name in for reviewing, because really no one knows about the existence of the book blog. As in, why would they send me books to review if no one reads the reviews, right? It's not like there isn't anything on there; I've put up my portfolio of sorts, but it just hasn't been publicised yet. But I was thinking it's going to be so weird to publicise it when it don't have anything recent up, and when I don't have time to write new reviews :( so I was caught in this dilemma.

For the next 5 months, I have a choice of 1. working on my book blog, talking to people about plugging it, writing reviews, so that I'll be all set to receive books to review next january or 2. making youtube videos. I don't have time to do both. I shouldn't even be making videos. But at the rate I'm putting them up, it's like an average of 2 hours a week spent on them? Which is all spread out; 15 minutes here, a 1/2 hour there. So it isn't much, and it's a cheap way of keeping me sane. (self-justification in play here) So obviously I'm choosing the latter, which will be a pain for the book blog when I finish exams in december, because it will take time for it to get revved up and get people to follow again, and the sending of ARCs will be delayed.

I don't know why I'm so impatient to get this done, though, but the fact that the book tour people favor international bloggers is a big factor. I'll probably be moving away to somewhere not as exotic as singapore by september next year, so they might not send me stuff. Then again, it's not like a lot of singaporeans will read the blog, because I don't have as many contacts here as compared to other countries. I could do a collab with, oh I don't know, the writers group whom I'm friends with, or review stuff from booksactually and their publishing arm, but sigh they'll only send anything if there are people *actually* reading my blog. The numbers, I realise, aren't really important to me, but they're important to the people who might want to send me stuff, you know? who will send you anything if there isn't anybody to read it? Who will read you if you don't have a bunch of followers? Who will _care_ if you don't have a following?

I don't do videos with the aim of getting more subscribers; I do them to keep contact with pooky and my other friends, and it's an outlet for creative expression. I'm proud of myself when I'm done editing and I have a coherent video, but I can't bring myself to watch it again after I've uploaded. I look at myself when it's live on youtube and become so disgusted and vow to make a better video next time, much better than the one before, something I won't be disgusted to watch, but you know, the cycle continues. I'm really crap at making videos. They suck, technically, because I haven't given myself enough practice. I don't like it, but more practice is not something the A levels allows at the moment. I hate it.

I can't make money from videos. They won't give me a living in the future. What will give me a living, my mother argues (along with a shitload of student debt) is a medical career. I don't know. As in, it's not worth it to spend so much time on them when they can't give you a living, you know? My A level certificate has a much better chance of doing that. I don't really like the A levels. (does anybody?) I don't want to make a living from videos in the future either. It's not because film making or anything related pays little, it's because that I think if I start out with the aim of making money, it'll cheapen the whole enterprise. I'll become one of those shane dawson types. Ick. The youtube equivalent of Nora Roberts.

I think I'll take a nap now.

2010-06-28T04:39:00.002+08:00

pooky, I think you'll like the video :)

mm yes.

I've been thinking, the thing about hanging out with older people is that sometimes they think they are responsible for me? As if I were their younger sister or something, they are hence responsible for my safety, academic progress, etc. As much as I hate being treated as a child, I think the reason why they treat me like this is that I'm irresponsible myself.

Beyond how young I look-- tbh my friends don't look too old themselves ;D -- it's largely how immature I am. Mostly I dive into things headfirst without thinking of the consequences, and this is a sign of immaturity. Secondly of course is that quite recently I've been immersing myself in all that is not school-related: making videos, blogs, twitter, etc and they think this is affecting my academic work. I think it is, to be frank.

I don't like it. I don't like being talked down to and being perceived as incapable. It's like drawing a white line between my relations with older friend and I. They know this, of course, and very tactfully try to do this as little as possible. They also regard me as an equal most of the time, which is a fact that I appreciate tremendously, because I know they could just brush me off and they don't *really* have to talk to me. But whenever they bring up the subject of age and advising me, I just feel out of place and embarrassed.

Most of this is my doing, of course. It's not just my older friends who tell me off, it's friends my age too. Proving the fact that I really need to be told off, and it's not just my older friends thinking that telling me off is a result of their position. I feel I should be responsible, and that I should disconnect-- both mentally and physically-- from the internet and focus on passing my tests. But it's so hard when sometimes I feel that connecting with someone else who understands me through the internet is part of how I feel human. Being cut off and isolated in an environment where nobody understands anything is frustrating.

I mean. Last term I skipped a few classes, thinking nobody would notice. Sometimes they didn't. Sometimes they did. Ultimately I know that this isn't going to benefit me in the long term, and I have to make myself stop doing it, at least till the end of the school year. Sometimes I get mad at myself for not being able to hold out for what is just five more months now, and just make myself go to school and sit and study. I hate it. I hate school. Not learning in general, though, and not all aspects of school. Just. argh sometime I think that I don't have the willpower to stick it out and pass my A levels.

Damn I can't just pass, I have to get, well, As, or I'll have to retake the year. I don't want to do that. I can't stay in there for longer than I have to. But I don't have a choice. Really, sticking it out and getting good scores is the fastest way I can assure myself a ride out of here.

Lately my mum has been threatening me about what she would do with me if I couldn't get into university. I couldn't find an answer she would be satisfied with. Obviously, not getting into university seems to be a very realistic consequence at this point.

I really need to stop procrastinating.

Speaking of family, though, right now I'm trying to block out all the stress originating from my family and my extended family and from aunts whom I've never seen in years-- I'm just letting the pressure from my peers and teachers push me, because I cannot handle the concerns of a thousand other people. Who all seem to have their own, DIFFERENT, opinions on where I should go for university and how hard I should study and when I should be applying. I mean no, honestly, quite recently my getting into university seems to be a convenient, inoffensive, topic of conversation. I don't want to attempt to please everybody, like I used to. It's all just a bloody waste of time. (This is only in regards to what I should major in/ which university I should go to, not in relation to how much I should study.)

2010-06-25T09:28:00.002+08:00

There. WATCH IT.

oh my god if I ever get to leakycon 2011 I'm going to cry.

I felt emotional watching this video.

if I ever get to go next year, it will be a culmination of four years of waiting.

And the community and the spirit is NEVER GOING TO END.

I am insane.

But you knew that already.

2010-06-22T18:11:00.002+08:00

I had a dream where-- okay let's just start from the beginning. And, also, just ignore the absurdity of things happening in this post and accept it as it is.

So I was having tuition, with a few people from my school. Cherie was there. We were planning to go for a movie outing as a class (cherie isn't in my class, this doesn't make sense, but never mind) after we were done with tuition/ our work. As usual, I take too long and I was one of the last ones to finish, mainly because for some reason I had received a NOTE from my other friends- darran, dith, ling, kiru etc. The way the note was delivered was that a messenger had to knock the classroom door and announce: "Is nicole chen here? There's a message for her." In such a way that everyone else in the class knew that I had gotten a note, and the note was from my other friends. For some reason they also knew who the note was from.

The message was written much like a text, something along the lines of: "Are we having lunch later?" But the content of the message wasn't important, as the main thing was that everyone knew that me receiving/ reading the note slowed me down and caused me to take even longer to finish my work. This made me leave the class late, and I was late for the class outing-- because the movie started at 1pm and I arrived at 1.06pm.

Everyone was waiting for me, and Cherie got mad at me, and said: "You were late and made us miss the movie all because of a BOY? You ditch us because of a BOY? Are we less important than your other friends, now? Do you know how LONG I've known you compared to your other friends?"

And I was struggling to explain: "No, no, it's not like that-- please hear me out-- please it's not like that..."

Cherie: "So you mean your other, more glamourous friends are more important than us? That now you have older friends you can ditch us whenever you like? That you hang out with older people you are better than us, now? If you don't want to go out with us and would rather hang out with your cooler friends then TELL US so we don't have to wait around for someone like YOU to turn up."

And then suddenly I was looking at my gmail inbox, like a jumpcut happened, and in there were emails from Michelle T., my classmates and cherie, with titles all starting with "B". The common thread among these emails were that they were all mad at me. I couldn't open these emails, though, I could only see them piling up in my inbox, and every time I refreshed the page there would be more. So I tried checking the internet and realised that the mobile modem wasn't even connected to the laptop, so I was trying my hardest to access the internet from my phone and things and to reply to these emails to clarify the situation.

And then I woke up.

cherie appeared, I think, because she's the only person from my school who knows the people from writer's fest and knows what they look like and hence knows darran and kiru. She isn't the kind of person to get mad at me in real life, though, but the above situation seems very plausible at the moment.

The dream just opens a can of worms. There are so many questions to address... or not. haha.

There is so much SYMBOLISM.

idk @jay_lake analyses his dreams, so I was thinking of analyzing mine. And also because this dream unnerved me a little, and seemed so real.

clarification: darran isn't "the boy" and I am not "the girl", however much FRIENDS *coughgeerucough* like to say so. haha.

To be honest, though, if I knew people like that I would definitely egg them about it because the premise and the whole setup is comical xD If I were geeru I would definitely tease myself, just for the fun of it.

2010-06-21T05:39:00.003+08:00

Many things have been on my mind of late, but now is not the time to be mulling over things.

I have a physical notebook-type journal that I can write things in, but sometimes (oddly) I think I'll get more privacy here. Because my mum/ sister/ grandfather etc SOMEONE living in my house always manages to read my diary, and my last one got stolen. At least in case of an emergency I can store everything in a hard drive (I'm figuring out an effective way to back this up at the moment) where it's harder to read.

I write things down because I'm afraid I will forget.

A friend I know writes 1000-word blogposts-- everything is outlined in detail. He says it's because he's afraid he might forget something, and I didn't believe him, "Really? You can forget what happened? The important things?" and he said yes. Now I kind of understand why he's afraid of forgetting.

I don't think I'll forget actual events, though, but the feelings that come with these events.

To clarify: the other day I was listening to Always in the Season by pomplamoose:

and it made me think of Nov '09, just about 6 months ago, and the happiness/ stress (odd, I know) that I felt then. But the memories felt so elusive! I don't want to forget happy events, or events relating to important people, or at least a point in my life where I felt hope. Beyond remembering for the sake of remembering, there is another reason which you will learn about in due time. (heh I sound like a novel) It's just very very important to me to be able to remember, and it's also a bit odd remembering, because how I felt then was so different from how I feel now.

First times are always firsts, and they never happen again. Especially now when I'm diving headfirst into things without thinking/ being hesitant, the initial bits pass very quickly, and I just want to be able to hold on to them, or pull them out whenever necessary. I've been doing a lot of firsts, lately, and I just want to remember the initial rush when I first do something.

To better illustrate: it's like when you're meeting a person for the first time. eg when I met sarahcoldheart/ jolantru (local SFF writers) I felt so happy and surprised that they were so different than what I expected, and yet they seemed like such wonderful people-- people I'd like to have long conversations with, about books and writing and the ~world. I felt so excited that they actually waited for me (heh embarrassed) and they respect my opinions and they are so gorgeous and friendly and knowledgeable.

And when I first met them, I was thinking: " oh my gosh oh my gosh these people actually EXIST in real life and they are interesting. Oh my goodness they are actually letting me SPEAK are they out of their mind? do they know what tripe would escape my lips do they know how LITTLE experience I have compared to other people in the room? oh my gosh"

You know? And in singapore you very rarely get to meet people who are so receptive to WRITING and are so patient and they READ omg they READ the same stuff as I do that is so awesome.

So yes. In relation to first memories, the other day I went to The Arts House with geeru, and I was remembering everything about swf and thinking that whatever feelings I felt the first time would never be exactly the same. So I tried to remember the excitement and anticipation of the first morning, meeting kiru and debby, the novelty of being in such a pretty building, the first time I saw jia min was when she was wearing an EQQUS shirt. I remember thinking: "Oh man. These are MY kind of people." And of course kiru has read prachett and jia min thursday next and they can understand all my references, and. Being in my stupid school with its walled-in community you think these things are impossible, are they not? But there I was, in a physical corner of singapore, learning that these people existed, that these people have JOBS, that they are happy and adjusted-- it just changes your whole perspective of the world.

It's like getting to know nerdfighteria and learning that there ARE smart people out there who use their brains and think about what they're doing. They aren't resistant to new ideas, they know how to read analytically, they have an opinion about world events. You think: "Oh! There IS hope for the future of the human race."

2010-06-17T08:35:00.002+08:00

Listening to the An Education soundtrack, for old time's sake.

Heh but every time I do this, it freaks the crap out of me, for good reason.
And the longer this goes on, it freaks me out more and more. It's so awfully creepy. But it helps, really, not to think about it so much and let myself go.
I like freaking myself out :D :D #maniac
I adore the film.
I like good films, but I haven't the opportunity to watch movies lately.
Maybe I should get pooky to recommend me some.

2010-06-13T06:18:00.001+08:00

it's so odd that this year I've come to know people who are fucked up, and it's actually people who are real, not fictional.

2010-06-12T03:13:00.003+08:00

I don't know.

Sometimes I think because of my age, people are giving me concessions.

Not that I'm entirely against this; during the SFF panel, it was because of my age that people listened/ let me speak. (heh.)

It's just that sometimes *because* of my age people expect me not to perform as well as those older than me, and then I just stupidly underperform. I then think it's more acceptable to underperform, and use age as an excuse for not producing better work.

"Work" in this case refers to how I express myself in videos, and sometimes on blogs. Sometimes I feel like I'm just as articulate as my 14 year-old self, and I haven't moved on from that. I hate it. Take, for example, how I express myself here:

and compare how I talk about the SFF panel to how @jolantru talks about it. Do you see? The epic GULF that separates our quality of discussion?

It's also because michele talked about this student-run opinion online magazine, and suggested I submit an article. She's submitting one. I don't think I'm good enough to match up to the people who are appearing in the first issue-- they are the best of the best in my school-- so I'm hesitant about writing something. I think I'll just wait till the first issue comes out to see what the ~vibe is like, and to see what kind of stuff they want, before submitting.

Michele's suggestion also lead me to look through past posts, and I have to admit that most of my *remotely* intellectual things are terribly short and underdeveloped. (Surprise, surprise, teachers say this about my essays at school also) Otherwise they're just ranty posts concerning myself. Guess I have to try a lot harder at being articulate. Although I don't intend to be consciously articulate on this blog, probably on my um yet-undone book blog.

Not that I'm complaining. It sounds like I'm complaining. I'm just happy that my peers are better at everything than I am-- and this is a positive thing. Michele has a quote about this on her tumblr... *searches* Ah. Yes.

"Hang out with people who are smarter and as or more driven than you, and you will drift in that direction."

And this has been proven through, for most of my education at least. Not to sound bigheaded, but when you're placed with people who are constantly ousting you in everything they do, you have a natural compulsion to match up to them. It works, not only academically but when I was learning about leadership skills. When my peers were so able to manage groups of people, it made me want to pull my weight, and along the way I learnt how to manage stressful situations, and how to adapt to new environments. Sometimes you only become aware of how much you've changed because of your better peers when you're put with people who are not as able.

Ok like in my cca I used to take it for granted that everyone would pull their weight and follow up with everything and be on their toes without being told, but sometimes on volunteer stints I see people slacking and not being up to par, and THEN you realise what you've learnt/ taken with you. Eg we learnt in my cca that panicking in a stressful situation is the worst thing to do, because other people are following you and taking cues from your leadership. If you're a leader, and you spazz out, what are your followers going to do? Someone eventually has to pick up after you and fill in where you're falling behind, and you don't want to have people to babysit you all the time. Also panicking is very counter-productive: you waste unnecessary energy, and you don't spend time trying to rectify the situation. No one wants to have to deal with your emotional outbursts during a critical period. You have to think clearly and be definite about what has to be done, and either communicate to others about this, or get it done yourself.

2010-06-04T08:13:00.002+08:00

semaphore magazine is ohhhh so good.
the illustrations! the warmth! the tone! the stories!

it's just like when I first discovered Cricket when I was 11.

Joy.

by the way, here's @jolantru's issue. I like it! it is great!
she can be found here.

ach normally I don't have the patience for fiction on my mac; I should do it more! :)

2010-06-04T04:10:00.003+08:00

teared up when I watched this.

I don't know, think I've been angst-buckety lately. OBVIOUSLY angst-bucket me rarely gets airtime on twitter/ youtube, so I'll probably keep it quiet. It's just a bit unprofessional (and sometimes embarrassing) to angstbucket whenever you are... angsty. And I don't want people to see anything, idk prospective employers, for example.

I just hate being needy, you know? erk I hate being dependent and I keep trying to deny it or ignore angst and move the heck on but the longer I wait the worse it gets

2010-06-02T02:09:00.006+08:00

gosh I wish I could do this with pooky sometime.

haha on saturday I went to the same shop at far east I went to 1 1/2 years ago to buy a band shirt. My crappy memory thought that the ACDC shirt I bought in Oct 2008 was $10, until I checked the blogpost I did on that and realised that I paid $18 instead xD

Because I paid $20 for the muse shirt, and I thought I had been cheated. Well the lady said $18 first, and I gave her $20, but she didn't give me my change back, and I didn't want to cross her (yes I'm a schmuck) so I didn't ask for change and got the heck out of there. haha I make it sound like a very rough place but it really wasn't, it was just very crowded with merch-- they are very economical with their shopping real estate-- just a little bit more crowded than I remembered. Anyway the stock had changed a little; there were a lot of leftover michael jackson shirts, and then they had more updated stuff like fall out boy and MCR, and good stuff like the Beatles. There was iron maiden and a lot of metal-looking bands, but I don't really like the fact that I like iron maiden but their art is so... ugly. (for lack of a better word).

There was a yellow submarine Beatles shirt, and I was torn between that and the Muse shirt, although I eventually decided on the muse shirt because I already have a beatles shirt. And Muse one was of a music festival-thing; there was Jet and um haha a lot of other bands listed, with a cool graphic. The shirt's in the wash right now, and mmm I'm not wearing it until I've altered it. I liked my acdc shirt a LOT better after it had been altered; it fit better (duh) but I'm also proud of my altering skillz xD

Although I don't have enough expertise to trust myself to alter my skirts properly lol because it's a little bit harder than altering shirts and I'm worried that it'll come out all wrong. So I'm bringing them to the laundromat/ tailor when I have the time and/or money.

On a related note, I don't know why you would be interested in reading the above. But I had something to talk about and I need to talk because I haven't had the chance to talk to people irl lately. (I got to talk to pooky the other night, which was great!) I kind of like juggling two conversations on msn because all my friends come online at the same time >.> and then my SISTER comes to talk to me just to annoy me, so I have to talk to her and talk to two people at the same time so it's very confusing but fun.

ANYWAY I haven't had the chance to catch up with geeru or michele lately, so I'll probably ask them out for lunch/ studying at The Garden Slug hmm but it's always so hard to ask school friends out because they're always busy with something-- cca, finishing up school work, other friends ETC *sigh* but I really want to ask someone out and talk to them and get to know how they're DOING and kythe a little bit.

If you've read madeline l'engle you'll probably know what I mean, and you'll also probably think it's so passe but really I believe in kything. You know the lull in conversation when you're with a good friend, and both of you aren't saying anything but you're just enjoying the moment and taking it all in? like the time I went to WWW with michele and geeru and we were not speaking, yet so... together at the same time. Just appreciating everything and taking it all in.

And then there was a time when I was with a friend and there was a slight pause in the conversation. I remember thinking: "This is the most comfortable I have ever been in a long time and I don't want it to end."

2010-06-01T02:22:00.003+08:00

Saw these guys (New Fro Matter) on saturday night at Underground Seed. haha I know you're going to say: "ehh they're so chinese and poser and... yellow-boy" but just listen and turn up the volume a bit, give them a little time? (for the record the guy in the yellow shirt is filipino, not chinese. Okay this doesn't matter but I KNOW you're going to think about it at some point.)

Their lyrics aren't much but at least they enunciate properly and you know what they're talking about, and the music is good to drown yourself in. And their website has some pretty cool graphics: http://www.newfromatter.com/

haha between them and Patriot, I think I'm turning into a groupie/ fangirl xD but I haven't had much exposure to ~good local music, and yes I have pathetic taste. And ahh I haven't had much experience listening to live music, and I have to tell you, once you listen to live music, youtube videos are mehhh. As in, music is So Much Better live, and it's so different from listening to a recording, because of all the ~energy of the band, the crowd and the lights. It's like you're enveloped in the sounds and you're trusting the band with a few minutes of your time-- you're letting them give you a peek at how they see the world, and allowing yourself to be possessed by their music. There's no other way to put it. "drowning", as in, when the music envelops you and it's louder than all the voices in your head and you let it take over. You let it say the words for you, and you let the rhythms lull you into a kind of calm.

There's a certain sense of ownership with music. The artist creates it and shares it with you, and you let him take him on a journey into his ideas.

Speaking of Patriot, I saw them at UndergroundSeed.

AHA ok this is a video of the gig I saw them at, and I was... following them around pretty creepily when I saw them again on saturday xD They weren't playing a set, but they just attended underground seed to watch. *sigh* they aren't so good in this video but you have to believe me, they were TONS better live. ...and the vocalist is lousy at hitting high notes. Good thing Patriot is hard to google; please don't tell him that. And the chick (amelene) is cute. There. I said it. NOW you'll think I'm a stalker. I think I'll try to chat them up the next time, will pick up tips from Ling.

ok ok found it. THIS is the song that really got me. (POOKY watch it please ^-^)

eee now that I'm watching it he sounds more pitchy. I suppose I'm spoiling it for you.

ahhh the bass is really good on this one! Amelene plays bass. hint hint.

damn. "amelene" "patriot" and "underground seed" are really easy things to google. Ah well. *waves* OH HAI THAR you don't remember this transpired, you hear?

2010-05-27T04:38:00.003+08:00

I made a blogpost just to show this song off. woop!

GP was today, screwed up the essay; AQ was okay. Slept before 2 the night before and I have to tell you; it helped! Felt a lot less stressed than when I went for papers with little or no sleep. Maybe I should do this for my other papers.

Anyway if you're looking for a ~life update, I've edited half a video, and the other half of the video will be done... when I have time. I've been studying most of the time these days/ reading... or I should be, at least xD But I've been finding less and less time to spend for writing (book reviews) or video making >( and it's only going to get more difficult in the coming months.

Okay I suppose this shouldn't be my biggest worry, and as other people tell me, studying should be my #1 priority. D: that statement itself makes me puke. Though if I don't get any As I will have to retake the year, which would SUCK. The other day I counted and realised that I was about 6 months and a week to finishing my A levels :D :D :D I just have to stick it for these six months and I will be freaking DONE with JC and I can do whatever I want.

Also in recent news, I realise that I've been doing a lot of social things lately xD it's so atypical! haha. But it makes me happy, so. idk I just want to find time to spend with my favorite people, and yet it's the small things that make your day? like when they look out for you, and say hi, and check up on you and watch your back -- these things make me so so grateful :) And I've been thinking about the people I hang out with, and I realise that I really like people whom I'm not afraid to be myself with. How do I say this? People with whom I can wear whatever I like, say whatever I want, squee as much as I want to, turn my crazy on. These people. These people are awesome.

And there are friends whom you rarely get to talk to but whenever you *do* get the chance to communicate, it's like nothing has changed between the two of you and the dynamic remains the same ^^

2010-05-17T13:19:00.002+08:00

I suppose the above was the soundtrack for saturday night. I woke up the next morning after 4 hours of sleep (usual for me) thinking: "What did I do last night?" and thought of this song.

I will tell all! For posterity.

So Saturday afternoon me kiru and darran met for TEA at this fancy tea-place, and I had christmas, kiru had paradise kiss, and darran had darjeeling.

[the details are warranted because I'm afraid in the future if I get amnesia I'll forget everything and that's a scary thought. I am not a Writer, though, so it's okay to put in Details even if they don't mean anything. To the reader, at least.]

Then we walked. Walked to orchard plaza. Talked. And talked. And took the bus from orchard plaza to esplanade but missed a stop and walked through suntec, where there was a japanese tea place with "cute waitresses". Alas, the cute ones weren't there save for the lone girl at the front desk whom kiru suspected was put there for the express reason for attracting customers. It wasn't a maid cafe, though. It was just a cafe selling related merch and a "fashion line" where all the clothes seemed to be made out of the same kind of fabric, where the jewellery cases looked like salad bars.

Walked out of marina square and on the overhead bridge-thing so we ended up opposite the esplanade. The helix was right next to the esplanade, so we went on that, and mused at the surrounding construction projects. Darran took this time to promote the YOG and kiru talked about knowing someone who used to babysit for JKR. (ooh.) And said she only read the last three books only to know what happened to harry/ron/hermione. She was sad that 90% of DH was about H/R/ Hr being out of hogwarts, when the Harry Potter was meant to be a Boarding School series.

(digression: I only like Harry Potter so much because I grew up alongside Harry; its release spanned about 10 years of my short 17-year life. And also because mugglecast and the fandom kept me going through the tough preteen/ teen years. This needs its own blog entry.

If I were to start reading harry potter now, though, I would stop after Philosopher's Stone, and same goes for The Chronicles of Narnia. There are certain books you just have to read as a kid.)

On the helix, we noticed that on the floor was AT and CG and as a bio student I am ashamed to say that I did not get the letters at first; Kiru noticed it because she said she watched Gattaca in GP lessons with mrs Perry. And then I realised that AT and GC spelled "gattaca", and that was probably why the movie was titled so. #isslow On a random note, I first watched gattaca when I was 10 on television in a hotel room in hong kong.

Walked BACK ACROSS the bridge after walking its length for POPYE'S because Darran wanted fried chicken. Kiru got a soda and a biscuit, I got a drink because walking in the heat makes you mega-thirsty. Also wearing tights when it's hot is not a very intelligent idea because while it is kind of cute, you get unattractively hot, sweaty and red in the face. Mused about the fact that it was a bad time to mention that I was vegetarian, kiru said she was kind-of vegetarian too. Kiru and darran talked about schools and things. More talking ensues. This is a ridiculously boring blogpost.

After popye's, kiru thinks that it's a good idea to get on home, so we walk to the esplanade in search of the Esplanade station on the circle line, only to realise that we have no idea where it is, even with the help of kiru's trusty phone. I cannot, for the life of me, remember what happened in the next few minutes (see, I was right about the amnesia) but somehow we walked and ended up at the Arts House, where darran was due for his volunteering stint. He's early and decides to walk us to clarke quay and the raffles place mrt station, where he presumes kiru would want to take the train home. Turns out that it's easier for kiru to get home from clarke quay mrt, so I walk with kiru through clarke quay and we talk about pubs and gay bars, to Central. Kiru departs, while I have a subway dinner and sit for a while, mugging chem, because 1. I am hungry 2. my legs are tired.

I see the fallout from pinkdot and regret the fact that I didn't make it, but spending time with darran and kiru-- I hadn't seen kiru in 5 MONTHS-- was more important. Happy that there are more guys than girls in pink shirts, and more lame girls not-in-pink but carrying pink balloons and related memorabilia. I saunter back to the Arts House for underground seed, hoping to catch loki, but it turns out he went on sunday instead. At underground seed I see Patriot, who got me when they played Creep. I sang along like the stupid groupie that I am. They played stuff to... lose your head in, if you wish-- Time Is Running Out by Muse, and Seven Nation Army by White Stripes. I only recognised 3 songs out of their 6-song set. They take inspiration from Incubus and Rage Against the Machine.

What followed were 2 short films, a emo poetry reading which I found funny (but I don't think the writer intended it to be), and a theatre thing that was better than the poetry. I escape at about 8 or 9, I think, before the second half, to see the fire installation that darran was involved in. It was very pretty, and there were lots of people with DSLRs and posing girls. The music was nice too, and I heard their next stop was Brussels. At the fire installation I find darran, take a survey, and meet darran's friends who've come to see him. (so begins the crazy part)

They're called meredith and ling, and they are so ridiculously friendly and funny that I invite myself for icecream with them (yes I'm shameless). Darran decides to introduce me as girl-who's-on-the-internet and they become interested and resolve to look me up on youtube. I search in my bag for namecards (don't ask) turns out I have none, but I give them my handle nonetheless. So I introduce myself, they ask about WHAT I DO-- I think they half-expected me to be... older heh xD but anyway since I look like I'm 12, when they know I'm 17 it isn't news to them.

So we chat-- ling is hilarious and has humor just uncannily like xiaxue's, and meredith is an expert at deadpanning. These are the first people I've met in ages who aren't serious AT ALL and so I love them. I walk with them to this japanese ice cream stand for ling's recommendation of sakura ice cream. They've run out (sadface) and I get green tea ice cream instead. We sit at the singapore river, chatting somemore and eating our ice creams-- which are an excellent idea because it was sweltering after the fire exhibition. Some of it was funny girl talk, which I sorely miss, and we make jokes about me being a few months shy of 18-- which means they don't bring me for drinks xD and I tell stories about going to m18 movies. Ling asks about darran, whom she's only met the first time that night, and meredith dishes the dirt on him, because she's known him for years.

I realise afterwards they _could_ have dissed me or snubbed me off but they chose to string me along, which was nice. We talk about flea markets, and I think about how they would be fabulous people to go shopping with. Afterwards we head home, because they need to have early nights, and I walk home. It's creepy because every time I take the bus from the train station, it's always the SAME BUS at this time of the night. As in, there are at least 5 different buses I could take, but the first bus that stops is ALWAYS the same one. A sign?

Anyway this whole thing is a breakthrough for me, because... before I've always been super nervous when getting to meet people for the first time. As in, my friends irl always know me as "the quiet one" and really, when I'm anxious I don't speak much and withdraw, you know? In some ways it's kind of an accomplishment for me to be able to relax around someone new and not freeze up, and to be able to make small talk.

In order to understand this properly, you need to know that from when I was 3 to 14 I was quiet, and "reticent" still shows up on my report card. I would avoid people just so I didn't need to make awkward conversation where I didn't have anything to say. Sometimes I hated talking to people whom I didn't really know well, because it felt like I was being grilled. I was always worried about saying the wrong thing, or trying to find the appropriate thing to say, so much so that I didn't say anything at all.

I think I might talk about this more in another blogpost, and ask my friends more about how I was. To be honest, though, the incremental changes are occurring at a very S-L-O-W rate, that people don't notice. The changes are so small that sometimes it makes very little difference. But I think about how much better I am at expressing myself now, compared to the DSA interview I had when I was 12, and how I'm so much more comfortable around people I'm not familiar with. Even though these changes don't seem to mean much on the outside, it's perceptible to me, and it helps.

2010-05-13T01:55:00.003+08:00

Latest music fascination:

Yeah, the usual, just press play and turn it on while you're reading the rest of this blogpost :)

Pffft the other day I had a ton of blog ideas... and they all disappear the minute I open this browser heh. *sheepish* okay off the top of my head they are:

1. My mum. My relationship with her and her relationship with her mum

2. Being gay and "flamboyancy"-- while I have no experience with this, but it's been talked about of late. And also in respect to pinkdot.

3. A response to: "Chicago was so crude! And there was no rotating platform :(" A real quote from a classmate who went to chicago and... expected fancy musical stuff. I have the feeling people go just because it's a) expensive b) talked-about c) makes you look classy

This can't be helped, I suppose.

4. I'm still trying to grasp the fact that normal adults have responsible sex and it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

5. There are so many things-- volunteering shmuck going on this year and I can't go for them :( this probably sums the post up, really- I'm just going to be whiny again, so that's not very interesting.

6. Yes, I've been liking girls of late. I like boys too. There isn't going to be any official statement on this because I don't know myself (the precise term is "questioning") So I'm just going to continue liking girls and boys and being shaky on the Kinsey scale, and that's that.

7. Socialising and networking: their benefits in Web 2.0 world and the fine line between networking and selling out.

8. Why NS scares the shit out of me, even though I don't have to do it.

That's about it, I think. I've been keeping a list of video ideas in my notebook, because I usually come up with some and go "eureka!" but I have no time to actually _film/edit_ things, so the list is for when I've no inspiration but lots of time. I should keep a blog idea list too! And pre-write a couple! #sneaky For Beda in august, when I probably won't have time or ideas.

2010-05-03T07:26:00.004+08:00

hello.

We're off from school today, in lieu of the labour day public holiday.

My sister is mad at me for unplugging her ipod from the macbook.

She's watching E! entertainment reruns now.

Sometimes on days off school she turns on the TV, and it wakes me up... at 11am xD

But not today. I woke up at 7 today, a little later than usual.

Latest music craze:

decided to look them up after they toured with amanda palmer in europe, and I like them! They sound like a combination of the Ting Tings and The XX. Crappy comparisons due to the lack of exposure to dance/ alt music. But they're nice when you need to drown things out.

I was thinking about this last night:

The reason why was so adverse to shrinks (still am) is because I don't want them to know anything about me.

ME: I hate it when shrinks try to probe and find *something* to talk about.

DARRAN: Isn't it their JOB to do that?

And I suppose it is. But I hate it. I hate it when someone I completely don't know asks so many questions (which I usually try to avert with small talk) and sometimes jumps to conclusions, eg: "Let's see if her parents shout a lot, or shout at her a lot, or shout at her dog a lot." Or "Does she have a WORKING MOM, the biggest sin of the 21st century? She does? Jackpot!"

I didn't spend years building an iron fortress 3 feet thick complete with a freaking moat for nothing, you know. The walls are there for a reason, and I don't want just anybody to get in. Once someone penetrates the wall, it's over. You can't go back, because it's out and fixing it will be no use because after the first time, they'll always have the key. Sometimes mercenaries are necessary, or extra fortifications, depending on who I'm talking to. With shrinks, of course, defenses are out in full force.

I just find it very dangerous and scary to tell everything to someone I've just met. And of course sometimes, depending on the kind of shrink you get, he/ she will be able to say "Oh, we haven't gotten anywhere today" or "We'll see you next time, eh?"

However, recently I had to go for a compulsory 4 sessions with a counselor, and at the last session, (oddly) I kind of realised what counselors were for. She was less probing than the others, and didn't mind if I just talked small talk. But for the first 3 sessions I always felt uncomfortable talking to her and it just felt awful, and the whole time I keep thinking-- I have FRIENDS, why do I have to talk to YOU. But then at the last one, I think it helped because she helped me think of things in a different way, you know, an alternative perspective, and she wasn't too bothered about "getting somewhere". Or "making progress", in shrink terms.

And "shrink" as mentioned, multiple times here, refers to a counselor/ therapist/ psychiatrist, but I've only ever been to a counselor.

2010-04-28T14:35:00.000+08:00

I need to move! As in, move domain. Not permanently, of course.

Okay in more concrete terms: I need to make a book blog.

So that all my immature ranting will only be confined to this blog, and the blook blog will be more ~controlled and have op eds and be less teary and emotional, you know?

Because ever since Chris Pash commented in JANUARY, I realised that he was privy to EVERYTHING ELSE on here, insane emotional pathetic rantings and all. So for me to be regarded as a credible book blogger, I think I need to move all my posts to somewhere professional. Okay. I in the Future I might be a good book blogger, if I work on it properly. AUGH darn but I need to *actually* have a book blog.

hahaha I've been telling everyone about the book blog but it doesn't even exist. Okay the posts exist, but not the blog itself. I just have to sort everything out on here, shift them to the book blog, learn coding (the biggest hurdle) to make everything pretty and presentable. But you know what will happen? Most likely I'll set up something with the blogger template and then it'll stay that way for a while until I get the coding done. Content first then design. *sigh* I'm also reluctant to make a nice layout when everyone just reads blogs on google reader and other feed aggregators nowadays. And you can't see the layout on google reader.

The funtion of this blog is mostly personal, and it's for me to keep in touch with the four people who read it. That's it. Not for the rest of the interwebs. If you don't happen to be those four people, I have a hunch that you aren't really interested, and won't be, anyway, after reading an entry or two.

2010-04-26T14:00:00.002+08:00

This is extremely personal.

Oh damn it's not extremely personal. I just have no idea how to write it, if it makes any sense.

Should I indent like crazy? Just last year I intended this blog to be as public as possible, because of BEDA, but this is actually the first post I'm writing in April, I should think. The 26th of April. April is ending! I turn 18 in three months. According to darran it's 4. BUT WHATEVER I like to round up.

I don't want to turn 18, I want to be 17 forever. I like to feel that the world is at my feet and I have the ~power to conquer all, you know. I like being idealistic and not excessively jaded by the pressures of the outside world. In the past 3 years I've begun to discover that there's a whole new world out there, outside school, outside singapore, where people can do as they please, and not have to suffer the "negative repurcussions" of being "impulsive". There is a world out there where people actually ENJOY what they are studying, and it isn't medicine, engineering or law they are studying. They are people who have day jobs but on the side they're trying their absolute best to much out on their own-- Chris Pash wrote The Last Whale while on his day job. I suppose the point is that I've learnt that there are people out there doing what they like, and putting all their effort into their passions, but they're not regretting the decisions they made, and they're not thinking: "I should have listened to so-and-so, he told me to do study business and be a real estate agent". Even if they're strugglivg, they take this in their stride, and go: "If this is what I want to do, then-- nevermind the critics. I'm not going to sell my soul, or live somebody else's life. This like is mine, and I'll do what I damn well want to."

And this goes up another notch when you actually *meet* somebody with passion and energy , and they are extremely satisfied with what they are doing-- shuian, darran, loki, aseem from Give.sg-- it just makes you so optimistic and hopeful.

I just read hayleyghoover's recent blogpost and Steve Jobs' commencement address at Stamford in 2005 and I have to confess they made me teary-eyed. I think it's because they're saying: "Hang in there, this too shall pass. And when you're out of the tunnel, be sure to listen to yourself, and it will all be better."

I think I'm beginning to enter the most harrowing and trying seven months yet, and after the seven months, I want to be able to come out with my aspirations, my soul and my sanity intact, and not resort to killing something inside me to get through. Damn I'm not even sure I'll get through the other side completely whole, because I'm terrible at handling these things on my own. It's just... here's a heads up to anyone reading this that it will probably go downhill from here, and I'll probably be more angsty than frivolous. I know that if I don't do this properly, I'll have to stay in this shithole for another year, and staying here any longer is not something I can take. And if I do this right, I'll be able to go to Masstricht or Lesley or Macquarie and do anthropology or environmental studies, and actually enjoy learning, something that I only very rarely experience in school nowadays.

The reason why I think I'm better off now than the last time is that I know and have faith that there are people supporting me, or people whom I can rely on for anything. This might seem dramatic, but it's impossible for me to repay these people for how much they've helped in the past two years, and recently as well. I don't think they realise how much I rely on them and how much they mean to me, but I'm extremely thankful and grateful to have such encouraging people around me. It's almost as if this thought itself, and hope, is enough to keep me going and pull me through.

2010-03-30T02:39:00.002+08:00

Just HAD to put this up. It's so !!! fun and LGBT and dresden dolls and artistic and pretty :) Link here: http://twitpic.com/1bsbrc

2010-03-27T03:11:00.004+08:00

omg I realised why I liked the music video for "Je Suis Une Dolly" so much!

It reminds me of london! The time I went there.

Okay, so the dolly rockers are very obviously pop and not indie at all-- they're signed to Parlophone-- but I still like them. (weakness) The song makes me think of having fun and being out there and not being afraid to muck around. It says: "I'm not afraid to be female, I'm not afraid to dress however I like, I'm not afraid of displaying my art, I'm not afraid to be ME."

Hmm. The way feminism works is that... some hardcore feminists would slam the dolly rockers for "submitting to a man's perception of beauty" by wearing heels and short skirts. On the other end of the feminist spectrum, some might argue that the clothes actually emphasise one's feminity in a society where other females struggle to suppress it. It's a strange contrast, in the video, that all the females in the background are dressed quite conservatively-- long pants, muted colours-- especially regarding the scene at hotel reception where the girl getting mad at them is wearing a long-sleeved work shirt, which is fairly masculine.

I don't think this contrast is deliberate, but if you viewed it as a form of art, it would be saying something about how women are inhibited and hesitant to express their opinions, as compared to men. The comparison to men arises out of the fact that the dolly rockers are female, and this difference automatically sets them apart from the people they're interacting with in the video. It's also interesting to note that the security guards and people trying to block out the camera or get them to stop are almost entirely male, which lends weight to the argument that men are trying to stop women from expressing their true selves.

Conclusion? I don't think the feminist things I pointed out in this video were deliberate on the part of the filmmakers, but it was fun to speculate. And I like it anyway :)

2010-03-19T04:24:00.003+08:00

So hai :D music for today will be... Shabazz Palaces!

Ok technically it's in the hip-hop genre, and for most people reading this, hip hop= bad, but give this a try? It's indie hip hop, if you can call it that. They're on the lineup for the Sasquatch Music Festival, the one Tegan and Sara are going to be at. (Plus She and Him, They Might Be Giants, The Mountain Goats, Ok Go, The xx, Band of Horses, i.e. GOOD STUFF.)

Hee. The last post sounded like I was obsessed with Tegan and Sara. Well I am! Mildly.

ach and the reason why I go to borders so much is because I have a giftcard for it. Otherwise I just go to bookmooch/ the library/ geeru for fresh books xD

I've been into music lately. Or rather, anything that can drown out the voices in my head. I don't think I have have Schizophrenia, though. The voices aren't telling me to fight wars and be a matyr. (does anyone get that?) It just keeps all the worry voices quiet and then I can focus on math or chem or bio or whatever it is that I need to focus on. Sometimes the bbc world service works too.

Quite recently I've been having the urge to write. As in, write and write and cover all the walls with my words until I bleed dry. [Alliteration!] I mean, twitter is useful if you feel like you have something to scream to the world, but you only have 140 characters in which to make your point, you know? xD Twitter is a good outlet for the overly obnoxious personality. And also I have to study for common tests, but it seems the more I study (and realise how much I do not know) the less the chance I have of passing.

I want to write and write and tell everybody what I think about THIS and this and this and how everything is epic. This is severely arrogant. But of course, when I get the urge to write, I should milk it for what it's worth. ("To indoctrinate everybody who reads your blog", you might think. "An exercise in egotism." you might think.)

No, actually I have to roll out more material so the new book blog will have something on it. And also so it looks like a ~portfolio for publishers to see and go: "Oh! This kid is Literate! She can form actual Sentences!" and so on. Hopefully.

Before it can be properly unveiled I have to learn coding first, so there can be a link to my Bio and a link to Authors I Liek and maybe a link to a place where I can embed my videos. Things like that. For that to happen my common tests have to be over first, I think. And I need a name! Does anybody have any ideas for NAMES? On the blog will be... book reviews primarily, and sometimes editorials (basically blogs that look professional and say: I think THIS about healthcare/ youtube community/ alternative energy sources/ singapore etc)

I won't be moving over permanently, though. This blog will stay up mainly for personal things, and to keep in touch with you guys <>

okay tchus see you on the other side! :)

2010-03-15T04:00:00.005+08:00

hey! put this on for me, will ya? Just hit play, and continue reading. It's good stuff this time.

The fact that they happen to look kind of hot in this video helps too :)

Speaking of Tegan and Sara, the other time I was at the HMV in citylink mall, I went in looking for cds, just because. When I saw Sainthood (their latest album) I almost fainted. This is not an exaggeration! Or maybe xD

BUT! It was displayed near the front, and I was surprised they were so mainstream. As in, when I look for CDs in Borders I have to flip through all the racks, just to find the ones I want. As in SCOUR them and check every CD under the letter of interest-- they're arranged alphabetically-- just to find the good stuff. That's how I found the dresden dolls' and the bird and the bee.

Ohh they're just good.

2010-03-10T02:00:00.004+08:00

hello my friends. I'm listening to this now, by the way:

as recommended from a book blog.

(it's not the best music, but it helps drown things out)

I have my GP common test tomorrow, 2.30pm, approximately 12 hours from now.

My mum told me to prepare.

I don't feel like preparing. I don't know. Common sense dictates that I should at least prepare sample questions, so when I pick questions tomorrow it won't seem so scary.

Last year, as evidence for GP, I used to use stuff I read from the anthropology blogs I'm subbed to on Google Reader. No one knows about that evidence, it is obscure yet relevant, the marker thinks I know something, I get the marks. Easy.

Of course it's easy. How can it be hard when your teacher forgets gordon brown's name?

Of course there's the risk that a harder teacher might mark my essay. In which case I'll come up with the most obscure/ treehugger/ vegan/ indie/ hippie/ youtube examples, and crap a little. And, oh, remember to write my conclusion and state the links from paragraph to thesis statement very explicitly.

I sound arrogant.

It's true.

and snarky. that's true too.

It's pointless to engage in a ideological war, yes? I should just do what I'm supposed to.

Had bio tuition today. Teacher told me off for being "listless" and quiet. He said my body language indicated that I didn't feel like being at tuition. wtf what do you expect me to say when I don't know what to say and have no questions to ask? And do you really think I enjoy being in bio tuition? Do I really want to be present when all I really have to do is mug for GP, and you made me miss math remedial? Do I really want to be here when I'm signed up for 2 math tuitions, 2 bio tuitions, 2 chem tuitions and gp tuition?

This shouldn't be a personal attack. But I really don't understand when you say want me to give long answers to your questions. I really don't know any answers, because I haven't studied. Sometimes your questions only warrant short answers. What do you want me to freaking say, if I've haven't studied. What kind of long answers do you want? Do you want essay answers? But your questions aren't essay questions.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY WHEN YOU SAY I'M QUIET

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME

I ALWAYS SAY THE WRONG FREAKING THING

THAT'S WHY I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT, BECAUSE I HAVE COMMON SENSE

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, MAKE UP SHIT AND SPIT IT IN FRONT OF YOU

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY YOU WANT ME TO SPEAK MORE

WOULD I WILLINGLY CONTRIBUTE DRIVEL TO YOUR IDLE CONVERSATIONS

I DON'T LIKE TALKING TO YOU, AND I'M NOT GOING TO PRETEND OTHERWISE

And of course I don't look you in the eye. I don't like you. I never look authority in the eye. I always look down, or to the side. I have poor interpersonal skills. Looking people in the eye creeps me out, especially when you are sitting right across me. What do you want me to do, stare at you for the entire 2 hours? Of course I respect you. That's why I don't look you in the eye.

Yes, of course this is self-justification. What else is it?

2010-03-02T03:24:00.002+08:00

hee. this is the kind of chick I wanted to be when I was 11:

On an unrelated note, sometimes I have the creepy feeling that my friends will end up saying these things to me. And we will fall out. After I've done the whole passive-aggressive act, of course.

It's not that I don't trust my friends enough not to do this, I'm just afraid that one day they will decide that they have "grown up" and hence have to make the "practical" decision. There are 2 things at stake if this happens:

1) the relationship between me and hypothetical friend

2) ideals

For one, I would really really like to hang on to this relationship, because the person I'm thinking about is absolutely important to me, and I don't want to have to fall out because of a clash of ideals. Secondly I'm worried that by not listening, I'll be doing the stupid, stubborn, immature thing. Or I might just not listen out of spite. As in I'm worried about being so single-minded that I would make the risky but appealing decision instead of the safe but boring one.

I don't know. People have been threatening that if I don't make the right choice, I will be broke and unemployed. I'm grateful that I've been fortunate enough not to understand what being poor means, but it also means that I have no idea what will await me if I really get in trouble. Heck, I don't even know what "trouble" means.

My mum says it will be hard for me to live without the comforts, i.e. theater/ concerts, vacations, expensive stuff. But her definition of "comfortable", in local terms, means having a car, private apartment, maybe a club membership. I could do without a car. I can't even drive, and most of my car money (if I had money) would go towards college, so that's out of the question. I'm also too much of an idiotic tree-hugger to buy a car and pay for petrol, anyway.

I don't know what a club membership is useful for, except for investment purposes. This is unrelated, but I don't like the people at the clubs, ever since I was small. The kids and the parents are the same. All that's important is to keep up appearances, and to make sure people know you have enough money to go overseas after your O levels. Once you're at school overseas, you can party all you want and major in psychology, so that you can tell people you've got a Degree, although really you've learnt absolutely nothing at all. Also, it's very important to be able to socialise with the right people and get into the right places and go to the fancy dinners.

Back to the point. Although it greatly simplifies things if I just study what I'm interested in finding out more about, the people around me are more concerned with my future, with what I do after I finish uni. For my parents, whatever I do has to make enough money so I am able to support myself, which in my dad's opinion means something professional: medicine/ law/ architecture/ engineering. But there are tons of people who aren't doing the above, and they are getting along just fine-- I suppose we have differing opinions as to what "supporting oneself" means.

If all else fails I could do tuition-- it's practically an industry of its own. It pays better than waiting tables.

2010-02-19T09:39:00.003+08:00

"6. the bigger picture.

yesterday i found myself chewing all of this upsetness like a bone in my mind.
i’m also PMSing, and that made things even lovelier.

listen:
in my life and in my work, i’ve made a lot of people angry.

people love to judge.
too feminist. not feminist enough. too outspoken. not outspoken enough. too intellectual.
too dumb. too glam. too underdressed. too funny. not funny enough. too inappropriate. too safe.
wrong kind of funny. marrying my favorite author and now i fucking hate her. fat. irritating. loud.
blah blah blah blah, etc, ad infinitum.

this is something i’ve had to learn to live with.

to get clear, i always have to stop, dig deep within myself and ask:
were my intentions good? could i really stand behind them? was anybody really harmed?
if i’ve actually harmed someone (and the harm isn’t just a drama in their heads), have i owned my responsibility?

when i quiet myself down and find the answer within myself, that’s the most important one.
it speaks louder than the voices outside my head and the anonymous voices on the internet.

it is to this voice you must listen, or you’re FUCKED.

i know a lot of younger people read this blog and i have constant contact with teenagers who are always asking me:
“how do i get brave?”

a lot of that answer lies in situations like these.
when you are forced to sit down, reckon with a situation, listen to people screaming that they hate you, take stock of what you’ve done, look everyone in the eye, tell them what your intentions are, and know that they will either hear and understand you or they will walk away.

and then your job is to not run after them.
your job is to stay calm. your job is continue on with your work.
and the hardest thing, sometimes, is to continue on with your work in a spirit of love, without letting other people’s hate and anger getting the best of you, and turning you into bitter, angry and jaded fuck.

it’s so easy to be afraid. to do nothing. to not make your art, to not follow your calling, your passion, your impulses, to not take any risks for fear of people cutting you down and misunderstanding you.
most people are CONTROLLED by fear, because they’re convinced they’ll do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, write the wrong thing, sing the wrong thing.
those fears are founded. you can see that, here, now.
shit happens, you can upset people.

and you need to do your work anyway, because the world needs you to.

that, i think, is how you get brave."

-Amanda Palmer

This is why she is so inspiring.

full post here: http://blog.amandapalmer.net/post/396762227/evelyn-evelyn-drama-drama

2010-02-01T02:13:00.002+08:00

IN RECENT NEWS.

Sarah Rees Brennan, author of The Demon's Lexicon and The Demon's Covenant, is holding a contest for The Demon's Covenant ARCs! (advanced reader copies) SO. There is a VIDEO category, and I think I'm definitely participating. The problem? Most of the book-trailer videos on the tubez at the moment are assembled-with-pretty-editing kind of videos? Like this and this. Those are the ones she recommended as samples. And then there's this (below), which is just pictures and text and music, but the overall effect is really striking and impressive. *is in awe*

wtf and THIS? this? I'm supposed to compete with this!

So anyway. I think I'm up against /fierce/ competition, since 1. I have never made a assembled-clip video 2. I've never made a pretty-picture video 3. I usually make... pathetic vlog videos.

hmm so the question is: Should I go with the flow and make a borrowed picture/clip video, or should I stick to what I know and do a me-in-front-of-camera thing? It would most likely be fancier than normal; no chaotic squeeing, however much I love The Demon's Lexicon xD And even though I might not win the ARC, it's book-promoting and video-editing experience under my belt. Most importantly, Sarah Rees Brennan definitely deserves some loving (wnkbr) because the book is great and in-depth YA fiction NEEDS attention.

I'm participating in the competition; BRING. IT. ON.

2010-01-22T02:32:00.002+08:00

it's late, I have things to do, but with the immediacy and distractedness that is the internet, this post is just to chronicle things I've read/ what I've heard of recently.

SO. Big things first.

BestWishesFromNL is considering the state of their channel; given that the girls find it hard to post regularly, would it be best to just end things, since the videos are kind of sporadic at the moment. As in, end with a bang. Although, as inspired by Ze Frank and the founding fathers of nerdfighteria, they would very much like to continue, it's just that they are getting busy, what with school and work and so forth. AND it's very reasonable that they can't find the time-- it's hard to allocate 1-2 hours at a go a week to film and edit a decent video, as experience can attest >.> especially when you're studying for exams.

It would be sad to see BWFNL go, although it's hard to disagree that the situation hasn't changed since the girls started their channel. I think. When they first began they were just getting to know each other, and were very excited by nerdfighteria/ getting to know nerdfighters in NL, so there was more motivation to make videos every week? But now they visit each other a lot and have gatherings and communicate on skype; they're past the "omg we're so excited" stage? So making videos is less of a priority since they can communicate with the other girls not just through videos, but through letters/ hanging out irl.

SECOND

JB Dazen (youtube musician from NL) was talking about what he thought about twitter:
Even Weirder:

Young people dying in the age of Twitter. Reading their trivialities, carelessly unleashed onto the information superhighway, not even 24 hours ago, oblivious of the rapidly approaching and sudden end. I’ve seen it a few times these last days. I should start thinking about every tweet I post. Every single one could be my last, and I could think of a lot of things I wouldn’t want people to read after my sudden passing. At least @arjengrolleman went out on a nice philosophic musing. As if he did know it was his last.

Issue 1: I've always thought about what happened when people on twitter died. What would happen on their page? If you brought your password to your grave, would the twitter moderators edit what is shown on your account? Would they delete your account? How indelible will your mark be on your corner of internet real estate? What if your online friends didn't know you died? And the question JB Dazen raises: "What kind of mark would you leave on the internet?"

Issue 2: The quality of tweets on Twitter, and the function of twitter. There are some who have mentioned before that talking about what you had for lunch on twitter is a very self-indulgent, egoistic act, to have to announce to everyone precisely what you are thinking at precisely that moment.

2010-01-13T01:36:00.002+08:00

Exciting exciting exciting NEWS

omg omg omg

(okay tomorrow I won't be as pumped but I guess it's time to MILK it while I can)

I could be a book blogger! As in, a REAL book blogger. All you have to do is contact a publicist from a publishing house, and if they like your blog, they will send you review copies! Or advance reader copies, which are BETTER. eeep I mean you have to have an audience and things, and you have to have reviewed stuff before, but the thing is I HAVE :D

Ok maybe not the audience part, but I've reviewed stuff before and they have gone in the retarded youth section of the sunday paper but STILL that is kind of ish a portfolio! AND if I review stuff from publishing houses I get free books! Which are way better than movie tickets that the paper sometimes forgets to send.

Additional motivation? A few months ago I came across this channel, and the person on it reviews books, and she reviewed something and I was like: "Where the HECK did you get free ARCs?" and she replies, all cool and everything, "Oh, it's nothing, the publishers send them to me."

EEP and it's not even work to me! I love writing reviews I love reading books it's not that hard to hoar myself out on the interwebs (okay it is pretty hard to get an audience but just ignore that part please) And it's... idk I like thinking about books I like going deeper into themes and motifs and going all Lit on it-- it's not _hard_ Heck, if they want me to bootlick them I might even consider it. One year of GP (general paper) has given me all the experience I need to be a sweet-talking smartass. Because! Free BOOKS! (it's the cheap student in me talking) Although. Readers might be a bit skeptical about my reviews if I say even crappy stuff is good... but they WOULDN'T KNOW, right? If they gave me ARCs, it means no one else has got them yet, so no one will know if the book is good or bad!

Though. Seriously. I don't think I'll say I like something if I really don't; I'll be doing enough of that in GP, thanks. Don't need to sell my soul to something else.

More about book bloggers:

What would be your do’s and don’ts for new book bloggers wanting to get in touch with a publicist about requesting a book for review?

I think really the only advice I could give is to show your keenness – try to have reviewed some books off your own back already, because it’s difficult to send out review copies when you can’t see anything that gives you a feel for how that blogger works. If they started their blog six months ago and have only updated once a month, I’m probably going to be a little more hesitant about sending review copies. That said, I will usually always send out at least the first request – if a review never appears, I might think twice the second time…

Also – one thing I would do if I were starting out as a blogger is take advice from some of the girls who run the bigger book blogs, because they’re all very friendly and in the know. Some of my favourites are Waiting on Wednesday and In My Mailbox (this as a v-log is really fun too!)– it brings a nice variety to the blogging format.

an interview with a publicist from Simon and Schuster here: http://bit.ly/6U9mpE

2010-01-02T01:43:00.006+08:00

After watching this, I suppose it's a good a time as any to write an obligatory end-of-year thank you post. I've been wanting to do this for a couple weeks now, just waiting for the end of year to come, and it has come and gone, so this post slightly overdue. I'm just going to go ahead and mention names but this is always cause for concern because you're worried someone is going to feel left out. HECK it's the one time of the year you're thankful for the people around you, might as well acknowledge them properly. The following is in no particular order.

In 2009, I'm eternally grateful for the people around me, and (dare I say) the books I've read, things I've experienced, and internet memes I've participated in :p

heh ok serious tiemz.

Easy things first! To geeru and michele, thanks for being a phonecall away and for entertaining me when I'm insanely bored/ worried/ angsty. I love being able to squee with you guys about anything, and knowing that you will squee back. Thank you for letting me whine on end. You've always been witty and enjoyable to be around, and even though it's been a little busy this year, I appreciate that you've taken time out to just chat and catch up. Thanks for reminding me to do my math/chem/ various bits of undone work, and for pulling me back on track when my obsessive fangirling gets the better of me. You've always been the loveliest people ever, and I never hug you enough xD, so here's one. *hug*

To POOKY/ mustardrabbit: you've been an awesome friend this year, and I'm amazed we've managed to keep in touch till now. I'm aware tumbleweedrabbits has been revamped, and looking forward to another year of epic photos and videos :) It was a pity I couldn't come see you this year, but in the meantime, we'll still make lots and lots of plans to go tour europe, share an apartment, visit melbourne, etc. I love love love your sense of art and photography, and your tastes <33

To kimberly/ ifancyharrypotter (awesomesauce username, by the way): I never imagined that singaporean nerdfighters existed till I met you. It was so coincidental, the way we met in youtube comments, that I attribute this to good karma. A year ago I could never squee with someone about mugglecast and other nerdfightery things, but now I can. I never knew so much about good tv shows--I'd almost lost faith in good television, but you have convinced me otherwise! The penpal thing was a great idea, and it's so cool to receive stuff in the mail, and basically just lots of handwritten awesome. Good luck for the coming school year, especially with Math-- I'm sure you'll do well :) What do you think about leakycon 2011? ;)

To hailee/ iAmortentia: This time last year I remember being so super excited about the collab channel we were planning :D haha and that time we were kind of certain it would happen... but it didn't. But! In the process of finding participants, we met lots of awesomez people, yes? And I remember being so excited when you youtube-messaged me xD It's been great, looking forward to an email from you every now and then, and writing an email back. I like hearing about your life and school-- it's very interesting to know about how school is like in the US. Cultural exchange, if you will. Although, judging by our interests, it's not as if we're very different from each other :D Looking forward to SKYPE (darn time differences) and more collabs, if you know what I mean ;)

To Anke, Lisette, Lotte, Ilse, Lidewij, Sanne and Jonneke (The bwfnl girls in ORDER :D) It was so so great spending 2009 with you guys. Even if I only started watching in march/ april, getting to sub for your channel made me feel as if I was really participating and contributing to a piece of youtube, so that was awesome. AND I got to know a bunch of other subbers-- princeword/Martin, Zoe, Thekla, who led me to other people... and the rest is history. It's so exciting, learning more about the Netherlands from your channel, and especially spending p4a with the european nerdfighters-- Heleen, Tom, Lidewij.... p4a was mostly better this year because I had a bunch of people to spamwow WITH, and unabashedly hang out together on twitter. Because of you guys, I'm *actually* considering spending a summer in NL/ europe to meet up... and to check out the art/culture/ lifestyle. All the best for videos in 2010, I can't wait for more stuff from your channel! (tbh, yours was one of the few channels that actually survived for the whole year-- other collabs I subscribed to kind of petered out halfway-- YAY for staying power :D)

To Nerdfighteria! and the community, thank you for giving me hope and, to quote a song-- "peace and love and happiness in everything (I) do". Because of you, I've realised that you can be a respectable, working adult and STILL be freaking awesome, and do what you like. Honestly, before this, I thought growing up meant getting a boring job that you hate and not having time to spend on doing what you like. (Naive, I know ><) This meant giving up on producing anything creative, and giving up on being proud of what you do. After meeting people who are actively pursuing their interests, I've realised that majoring in, say, Conservation Biology is a realistic possibility, and now I have a clearer picture of what I'd like to do in the future. To explain, the mindset here/ amongst my peers is that you won't get anywhere unless you pursue a professional degree, i.e. medicine, engineering, finance, architecture, law-- other options are just a waste of money and time. There's also the view that academically strong people take on only these degrees, and the rest aren't as capable. I'm really grateful to Nerdfighteria because you decrease worldsuck, and I'm honoured to be a part of what we stand for :D

--I'm going to start getting synonyms for "awesome", I seem to have a poor vocabulary--

To the people from writer's fest, even though you might not read this, you've made me very happy :) to annjie, shuian, jiamin, loki, darran, debby, kiru, gekyong+ volunteers, you know who you are! Thanks for showing me an amazing time and recommending me lots of books and... eep. It was just very remarkable to have met so many book nerds (like me heh) who read even More than I do, and who believe in bringing writing to the people, and who believe in learning lots about authors, especially from different cultures. I also learnt lots about local writing, and through this/ because of this? I can talk to @sarahcoldheart on twitter, thereby meeting even MORE book people in singapore. You all are incredibly funny and I take immense pleasure in your company, and you've also taught me about... organising things, common sense (of which I am sorely lacking), and working in general. I really hope we can meet up more and partake in entertaining (illicit? xD) activities in the year to come :D

*phew* okay done. covered all the bases.

THANK YOU EVERYONE! *slinks away in drunk stupor*

2010-01-01T02:19:00.005+08:00

this is kind of for my own reference, heh. but Delias is having a clearance sale! and it has this:

which is $14 SGD and they have it in my size! when I'm looking for a decent cheap swimsuit. The shipping might cost a lot, though, so I might share with a friend like last time.
Now to look for a bottom... *sigh* they have bottoms my size but they don't match this. Or I could get a bottom first and a matching top-- bottoms start from $4USD=$5.60SGD! Will keep looking.

they have this in clearance too:

at $30USD = $42.15SGD which is quite affordable compared to what's in shops. And it's cotton, so I can wear it in warmer climates ^^

this is $10USD=$14SGD:

and it's kind of-ish nice, but with the price, I'd buy it if I only really had to, to get free shipping or something.

wrockstock shirt! but it's at $15USD=$21SGD which is quite expensive, heh.

the hush sound! I actually like the band, heh. at $6USD=$8.40SGD hmm *considers*

That's it. I might get the swimsuit, though, seeing as it is really hard to get a nice one here. Anyone? Who wants to spree? They have dresses, sandals, lots of graphic tees.

Oh this is such a fluffy way to start 2010 :D

2009-12-30T03:03:00.002+08:00

I think, when I read Hunger Games and Catching Fire, I kind of understand how Katniss (protagonist) feels, because I know what it is, to be unsure about how you feel about a person. If I had read the books when I was 12, I would not understand katniss at all-- I would yell at her: "There is a boy who likes you likes you, and you kind of like him back, so why not TAKE HIM?! you stupid girl." I was the type of person who used to think Vicky Austin was triple-timing her guy friends, heh.

I kind of understand her guilt and confusion too, and it's so-- I don't want to have to bother about this, I have other more important situations to deal with, why the heck do I have to think about it at all? Eg you're guilty that someone likes you but you don't like him back, but when you say you don't like him, you know he'll be upset. And you can't stand him being sad, because he used to be/is a great friend. re:Gale. All this when you know you're going to be sent to fight for your life in a month. Poor katniss.

2009-12-20T02:47:00.002+08:00

You: nerdfighter!

Stranger: :\

You: you aren't a nerdfighter?

You: srs?

You: *disappointed*

Stranger: what the hell is a Nerdfighter?

You: go google it

You: we fight against worldsuck

Stranger: sorry, my time is too precious

You: we fight with our hearts, our tombones, and our calculators

You: we took over youtube on dec17th and 18th

You: you should become a nerdfighter. we are recruiting

Stranger: err

You: really. we are.

2009-12-16T02:04:00.002+08:00

Listening to: Sainthood, Tegan and Sara's latest album

So last thursday I went out (on a whim!) with geeru to escape theme park.

TICKET LADY: Hi, so how old are you?
ME: (in a loud and embarrassing whisper) geeru! Tell her we are 12. We look 12, don't we? Then we get the child price.
GEERU: *is embarrassed, giggles at ticket lady* um, we're 17.
TICKET LADY: *laughs* It will be $18
ME: $18 each?
TICKET LADY: No, $18 for the both of you.
ME: *collapses in laughter*

So we go on all the rides, the Haunted House first. We want to get in, but the door seems to be locked. So this young boy tells us to knock. I laugh absurdly, thinking that the young boy has watched one too many horror movies, and proceed... not to knock. Geeru has better sense than me, and knocks, and they open up!

I was scared, because of the pitch-black darkness. More scared than I expected to be, actually. So I cling on to geeru with sweaty palms. She laughs bemusedly at the green lighting, fake-looking skeletons and other rubbery unidentified objects, while I quiver and try not to scream. There are 10 year old boys with us in the haunted house, and they are not making a sound. I tell myself that I have more guts than a 10 year old, while holding geeru's poor hand in a vice-like grip. I am such a wimp.

In the queue for the viking ride, we line up behind this girl and her group of friends. Girl has amazing, pale skin and freckles, and has short hair with a braid behind her ear to hold her hair back. The girl gets kissed by her boyfriend.

GEERU: *whispers* Doesn't she look a bit young?
ME: Yeah. But I would go out with her in a minute.
GEERU: *is mildly shocked* Nicole!! You pollute my innocent mind. (a translation of her facial expression)
ME: But! I like her tattoo, and her outfit and her shoes and her green sunglasses. I want her camera! (a pro-looking one) I would date her for her turquoise nails. If I went out with her, I could ask to borrow her top!
GEERU: *rolls eyes*

Geeru does not understand how pretty she looks. But no matter.
Girl and friends scream TONS during the ride, which made it all the more thrilling and liberating, which was probably the feeling we wanted to go for. Sadly, we lost Girl at the advanced go-kart line, where me and geeru conceded it was best to leave our limbs and sanity intact, and opt for the beginner go-karts.

Ah, love.

Speaking of love, I currently have a crush on Tegan and Sara. I want to go out with either of them! I want their cd. I like the fact that they're canadian, and it's also awesome that lots of my newfound amanda palmer fan friends like them too :D So it's good all round.

It would be nice to put on black jeans, a band shirt, eyeliner and blue nails, and pretend to be a rocker chick. Maybe then they would go out with me. I'm not a real rocker chick, though. I don't play in a band, I don't have cool friends who go jamming, I don't own converse sneakers. I don't even have the killer attitude needed to pull off black eyeliner. But, hopefully, if I pretended to be a rocker chick, the rockstar power of skinny jeans and styled hair would rub off on me, and I would be properly punk! Then a fellow punk rocker would go out with me.

That's it for this week, I think. A list of girl crushes. Take of it what you wish. (And go check out Tegan and Sara! Their music is not what you would expect from a girl group, but their guitar riffs and drums are insane.)

2009-12-04T15:26:00.004+08:00

super super quick one:
Tomorrow's schedule--

7.30am-1pm SAT test that I hope I won't flunk (again)
1pm-2pm lunch
2pm-5pm fleaflyflofun, a flea market
5pm-7.15pm Wild and Fabulous, ANOTHER flea by ACRES
7.15pm-8pm dinner
8pm-10pm The Devil's Encore, a play/jazz thing that imma buy tickets for later

money-spending D: BUT finally proper shopping after months ftw
busybusybusy

a second thing:

Love, love, love is everywhere
But not a drop for me to drink
Tie me up and bind my feet
Drop me in and watch me sink

Like an angry apple tree
I throw my apples if you get too close to me

-Locked Up, by Ingrid Michaelson
link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAyabX9Ode8&feature=quicklist&playnext=5&playnext_from=QL

2009-11-30T20:53:00.002+08:00

Jumping on the bandwagon? After I saw a friend's result that was so terribly true.

Name: nicole

Date: 11/30/2009

Colorgenics Number: 51270643
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You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'. (This is embarrassing. I think the test delves into my subconscious. Though obviously I have found appreciation "somewhere else". But I am not in need of love and affection! because I have lovely, lovely friends who put up with all my bad behavior. (I have a disgusting tendency to oversleep and be late and not do work.) At this point I'm still amazed they've hung around. This is why they are amazing. :D )

You don't really give in. You follow your beliefs and ideals to the bitter end. You are the personification of stubbornness and whatever may transpire, right or wrong, you refuse to compromise or make concessions. (Agreed! Stubbon. Like a mule. My babysitter used to say that of me when I was three. Above also implies that I am hard to work with, and this might be true, though I'm not sure myself.)

You wear your heart on your sleeve and since you are an emotional person you are apt to give your all - heart and soul - to all those that show you a little affection; but take care - it would appear that you have been extremely hurt in the past and you keep leaving yourself wide open for punishment. (Ha! You got that right quiz! "heart on my sleeve" indeed. Intensely emotional, needlessly so. Also intensely enthusiastic; you know, turn the volume up and keep it there-- it's either at max. volume or mute. )

Having experienced considerable disappointment of late and not knowing quite what to do about it this has led you to suffer a great deal of agitation and anxiety. You are trying very hard to make favourable impressions all round. You feel that you have a right to do anything that you wish without being condemned for your beliefs. Everything seems to be going against you and you feel helpless to change the situation. The possibility of failure is most upsetting and this situation is leading to untold stress. You honestly believe that the situation is not of your making - it is not your fault - you have been misled and abused by those that you trusted, but you are trying to look at the situation quite dispassionately. Would you perhaps not agree that this situation could be regarded as unrealistic self justification? (AGREES. guilt.)

You are worn out - suffering from what has been described as 'burnout' and nothing seems to stimulate you to break away from this state of lethargy. This situation is causing an acute distress situation and not being able immediately to resolve the problems is exposing you to excess stress and tension. You are endeavouring to break away from this situation by withdrawing into a state of 'Never Never Land' - an illusory substitute world in which things could be as you would like them to be. Now is the time to take time-out - to relax. A short break is all that you need and you will find that matters will resolve themselves. (Meep. No comment. This is dangerously true. This is why I let the quiz tell you things that I am too human to put up myself! Let a computer do the job of what I am unable to do. I'm taking a "short break" now. Kind of. Though there are rarely breaks %*$?#)

This might answer the "So how are you lately?" question, which I cannot do myself; I always seem to give unsatisfactory answers. I cannot answer that question! Do not ask an indecisive or easily distracted person that question! She will pause for a very long time and proceed to go off on a vague tangent.

2009-11-28T22:49:00.002+08:00

It's so HARD not to blog. Really.

So today I went to BooksActually to see Chris Pash, and it turns out I was the only customer who went *just* to see him/ hear him talk about his book. Sad times. Anyway, as I was paying for pooky's SECRET PRESENT, I spot a Who Killed Amanda Palmer atop a shelf.

ME: how much is that book?
BOOKEEPER: --insert weird look-- Um, it's $250. A signed copy. (it is all too obvious that I cannot pay for it.)

But. But. I want a WKAP so bad! *cries*

And when I start asking mr. Chris Pash for an autograph, he talks about his book. Because I am rendered speechless by this opportunity-- I had been creeping around quite suspiciously in close proximity-- he starts using handsigns/ gestures very liberally and mimes out "talking" and "thinking" and "reporters"! The way you would speak to someone who doesn't understand english.

And he remembers my name! Because he signed for only one other couple, who happened to be on the flight with him to singapore. *is starstruck* After that my heart was beating so fast and I was so excited but I had to restrain myself, because it is not socially appropriate to scream at a person. He went "Be sure to add me on facebook!"

He had to do a lot of ridiculous self-promotion though, i.e. say to every person at the counter: "Why don't you read this book? It's a really good book by Mr Chris Pash-- he's a great writer." As no one knew who the hell he was. I think it's also because I haven't seen The Last Whale in mainstream bookstores, so he has to try to promote himself as best as he can, to sell anything. Now I'm more forgiving towards Wena Poon for taking any chance she can get to get her book out there. It's hard to be an author these days.

But honestly? The Last Whale appears to many potential book-buyers as the typical tree-hugger diatribe. The one-sided "green" argument that is becoming cliched. I only bought the book because there were mentions of Bob Hunter and his hippie friends (book is set in the 70s), and their crazy attempts to stop the whale chasers. It's very rare that you see people so passionate about their cause, and so willing to sacrifice their effort and energy to decrease worldsuck. The book is very inspiring, in that effect.

I've also gotten to know more about how the "stop whaling" process goes, because there are many causes that people are contributing to right now, especially in schools as part of CIP, but usually nothing comes out of these awareness campaigns. I'm really impressed that they have achieved a consensus. The conservation process is a lot more than protesting and yelling about; real change comes when you get the attention of policymakers, and seek to communicate with the whalers themselves, to see where they're coming from.

Sometimes though, the tactics they used to get media attention strangely resemble those used in reality TV (balloon boy, anyone?). Such is the nature of real world? One part of me is surprised/ ashamed that they stooped so low, and the other part of me accepts the fact that there is no other way to make your voice heard with today's sensationalised media.

Chris Pash did an event at swf too, but reception there wasn't too good either. It was an amazing coincidence that I went to see him talk, because during that timeslot there wasn't an event at the Chamber, and I just happened to crash his event. Julian and Loki were there too, most likely. heh though they/ other swf people probably don't read this.

Shall I put up a picture of my signed book? YES.

Slowly but surely, I will learn the Code of Fangirling Conduct.

2009-11-12T02:35:00.004+08:00

You know, people, *delirious look* I think I have fallen in love.... with the interwebs.

I like how it brings people together! Like um the tessaract? OH, bosh. all of you have read A Wrinkle In Time, right? And there's this part where one of the Mrs Ws takes the end of her dress, stretches it out and goes: "Ok this is linear time and space, where the fastest way between two points is a straight line." and then she puts two corners together and goes: "And this is a tessaract."

Obviously I don't have it word for word, but you get the gist.

Today is a wondrous day, my friends, because Maureen FREAKING Johnson and Sarah Rees Brennan @replied me on twitter! Finally, a reward for staying up till ungodly hours and ridiculously monitoring my twitter feed. This is just like the time jbdazen replied my comment. Ah, the days.

Oh dear. I get happy whenever I get to have contact with someone famous. Like the time I almost fainted in joy when Amanda Palmer opened with "Creep", and it reminded me of a very special moment that I couldn't pin down... until I rediscovered this:

oh dear oh dear I am beginning to sound like the girl in "Oasis":

When I got to the party
They gave me a forty
And I must've been thristy 'cause I drank it so quickly
When I got to the bedroom
There was somebody waiting
And it isn't my fault that the barbarian raped me

When I went to get tested I brought along my best friend Melissa Mahoney
Who had once been molested
And she knew how to get there
She knew all the nurses
They were all really friendly, but the test came back positive Uh-oh

I've seen better days but I don't care
Oh, I just sent a letter in the mail

When I got my abortion I brought along my boyfriend
We got there an hour before the appointment
And outside the building
There were all these annoying fundamentalist Christians
We tried to ignore them Oh oh

I've had better days but I don't care
Oasis got my letter in the mail

When vacation was over
The word was all over
That I was a crack whore
Melissa had told them
And so now we're not talking
Except we have tickets
To see Blur in October and I think we're still going and oh, oh

I've seen better days but I don't care
Oh, I just got a letter in the mail
Oasis sent a photograph
It's autographed and everything
Melissa's gonna wet herself I swear

I'm quite sure I don't need an abortion though. The last time I checked.
[/random] I used to have a best friend called Melissa! But back then we were too small to know what "crack whore" meant, so it's fine.

oh. And I have this hysterically weepy/ fangirly entry on swf, neil gaiman, amanda palmer and all that. Just that I haven't the time (due to project work, the BMAT) to finish it up yet, and upload the photos. Although they are all on facebook, should you care to view them. When I post it it's going to seem like I had a month-long hangover, but really I'm just popping it in the oven and attending to it when I have the time. I.E. you will see it when it gets done. Eventually.

2009-11-08T23:25:00.002+08:00

THE THING about teen angst is that it makes for horrible blogposts.
You are embarrassed after you write a poem/ song/ blog entry about it.

But it when you are in the midst of it, it feels like the most important thing in the world at the moment, and you have to document it. When you see someone else talking about it too, you think: "oh my gosh we have a deep connection-- I am not the only one!"

And in some ways, you are reassured by it because being capable of emotion is part of being human.

Ok, that's enough excuses to validate what is going to follow.

crudcrudcrudcrudcrudcrudcrudcrudcrudcrudcrudcrud

1. I can't go to melbourne; they cancelled the trip.
2. It is so frustrating communicating with some people.

These are really dumb things to be angry over.

In the words of ms hayleyghoover:

"So as much as I'm dying to spew my guts about the mean, awful, terrible thing one of my good friends did to me this weekend, I cannot. Because, for one, I have no real way of knowing who's going to see this, and for two, this blog entry will outlive my hurt feelings. I could preserve my current fury in a blogosphere time capsule, and it would make me feel better for a day or two... but eventually, I'm going to unhate him and regret that decision. And it SUCKS."

2009-11-05T23:04:00.004+08:00

Today I realised to make friends on teh interwebs, you have to comment/ @reply/ talk A LOT. or you know, they won't reply back. I have realised after being on youtube for a year! (cue cheers) technically it's a year and a week now, I think, after little nicole put up her very first edited video. Now I'm 27 videos in and going strong :D That averages to about 2 videos a month. YAY.

Honestly I'm the kind of web user who will ~lurk for ages and not post/ comment anything significant for fear of posting something wrong or saying something that's lame. It's the same thing with speaking.

2009-11-02T23:43:00.006+08:00

As I'm writing this it's 10pm Monday, November 2nd.I've been listening to various versions of "creep"-- this one by jbdazen, this one with johnny depp in it, and this one with the fabulous amanda palmer at COACHELLA.

I can't get over seeing amanda palmer on halloween. The last time I celebrated halloween was when I was eleven and was Nearly Headless Nick. Her performance took my breath away. I had been awaiting her arrival ever since neil gaiman blogged in august about coming to singapore, and he said that amanda palmer would be coming as well, I was like: !!!! and oh my gosh. So it's been three months of waiting, and I finally got to see her it was crazy.

I wasn't a fan of her before neil gaiman talked about her doing "I Google You", though, so I didn't know her from her dresden doll days. But the wonderful mr gaiman kept on mentioning her, so I looked up her channel, watched "Oasis", and was hooked. Lately through her blog and twitter I've begun to see her as a musician based on the internet, much like Tom Milsom, Pomplamoose, and various wizard rock bands. She's been talking about the music business, about how consumers should be able to give their money straight to the artist instead of it being passed through the hands of record companies first. She also loves the power of twitter and the way it allows her to connect with fans on a more personal level. This form of communication is really amazing, because I get to know my artist and his/her beliefs, and about her gigs/ cd releases/ new songs before everyone else.

I took lots of pictures over the course of the weekend, so we'll start from the beginning.

This is an extremely blurry picture of Neil Gaiman in an event on children's literature , but mostly it was just the moderator asking general questions and fans getting to ask their burning questions. I was sitting at the back, fresh from crowd-handling as a volunteer, and it was the first time I saw him in person, so it was quite surreal.

This is from the next event, which was him and amanda palmer discussing the book and the album, Who Killed Amanda Palmer. An informative behind-the-scenes video of the creation of the book is here.

As you can tell, I'm a great photographer xD I shall attempt to explain away the shakiness by the fact that I was so excited I was trembling? But really I haven't been able to find other photos on the interwebs yet, so these will have to do. Strangely I was more enthusiastic about amanda palmer's presence than neil gaiman's, even though I've known his work longer than I've known amanda. But they are so cute together! You can tell they are really appreciative of each other in real life, which was what they've been talking about on their respective blogs lately.

2009-10-24T22:47:00.004+08:00

There are only so many things one can be pumped about!

In the order that is in my head:

1. I am manning the same room AMANDA FUCKING PALMER will be in on the 31st of october

2. Today I witnessed the meeting of Lat, Mark Waid and Sonny Liew = Graphic Novel EXPLOSION.

3. There was a talk about the chinese literary scene in singapore, and they talked about the spectrum of human experience, and how children learning chinese should read widely and open their minds... it was amazing. I didn't know chinese writers were so awe-inspiring! Not having the opportunity to experience hardship/ separation/ 离开家乡 is not an excuse for singaporean writers to write badly. I have to read chinese books now.

4. The chartjackers song was in my head for most of yesterday. YAY to the power of the interwebs!!

5. Lea Michele singing "Defying Gravity"? Ok, honestly, WHERE ELSE will you hear that other than on Glee? They should put blake bashoff, jonathan groff or john gallagher jr. on the show next.

6. Today I met this other fangirl! Who's going for the Neil Gaiman event too!! ~exciting.

All this pumping makes me tired. Have to be up and perky tomorrow, and attempt to fit in a run between now and then D: (Because I'm going to australia for a outdoor expedition thing, i.e. climbing huge rocks.)

2009-10-14T00:58:00.002+08:00

Ahh

I just found out through fb that two of my trinity summer school mates went to BU SUMMER. (cries) It was the one I wanted to go to but always couldn't because it's after the school holidays and I didn't want to miss school, and it was too far and the tickets too expensive etc. And my parents were worried about me travelling alone but it's not like I haven't been to a foreign country before.

(whines somemore) Pooky- it's jahnavi and avanthika-- do you remember? Go check your fb. Because I'm graduating next year so I really want to take advantage of the time left.

Ok if you don't know what BU summer is, it's here. And it's the one I whined about earlier this year and getting to see SPRING AWAKENING. I also whined about this 2 years ago, on this blog. It is clear that I am an expert at whining.

[/endwhine]

2009-10-08T02:05:00.002+08:00

hello darlings!

Erk it's been so long since I last blogged properly that I don't know where to start.
Um.

I finished my exams today, and when I went out for lunch, I realised that I hadn't been out to eat in... 1 1/2- 2 months. So it was quite strange, walking around in a mall and planning things. It just feels so odd, having nothing pressing to do.

Before my exams I had a whole list of things I promised myself I would do, but now I don't really feel like doing anything. When I went to school for exams, socialisation was practically nil.

In my head is just: "Oh crud oh crud today's the day what if I fail what if I can't answer anything I should have looked through my work again oh crud I don't want to be in acad support again I didn't sleep much last night and I'm all jumpy now and all raw nerves dammit if I talk to somebody now I have to worry about conversation I hope I brought everything"

Worst thing is, I don't think the work I've done will pay off, because there were questions esp for chem and math that I could do, BUT I FREAKING FORGOT TO LOOK OVER THOSE TOPICS AGAIN, so I had problems with questions that I should have been able to do. It's so frustrating, to know that argh you could have done better. Admittedly I was losing focus a week before promos started, because there is so freaking much to revise, especially for bio. So it's very easy to just give up/ in and detach.

Enough ranting; a happy video.

2009-09-29T09:24:00.002+08:00

The Kills make me want to put on eyeliner, wear black heels and cuffs.

billilovesmargot recommended it as "james bond" music, and it's because... they make you feel like you're in a james bond movie. You know, supercool attitude, glamorous dresses, fast cars.

That's all for this week! I'm off to do some ~mail quickly and then back to studying. Really really have to pass my H2s, but unfortunately for chemistry mugging plotted against marks is an exponential graph.

(i.e. the amount of studying is not equivalent to the marks you're going to get; you have to study a lot to get *some* marks... ok the graph says it a lot better than I do. Put "amount of studying" on the x-axis and "marks obtained" on the y-axis. Ruth told me this, and she is a math genius.)

2009-09-23T02:32:00.003+08:00

Glee quote:

"Well for a while there you were kind of all over me and now you just yell at me all the time."

link here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blauRjmkISQ&feature=channel
scene starts at 0:44 thereabouts.

Not... the most insightful of quotes. But, it summed things up.

OKAY. Back to binomial/poisson/ normal.

2009-09-21T21:48:00.002+08:00

for reference: this article http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/education/article6839056.ece makes me wimper, laugh and sigh disjointedly ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

impressive!

2009-09-20T04:09:00.002+08:00

Hello peeps!

Listening to Pomplamoose. They're having a gig with Danielle Ate the Sandwich, and this is AWESOME because they're both really accomplished musicians, and to put them together would be crazycakes. They pay attention to the lyrics, and you can tell they're writers/ read a lot etc.

It also helps that Danielle is my favorite on the tubes xD Listen to Born in the Wrong Body; the imagery and its ability to invoke your feelings is amazing.

updates?

Am filming my new video in sections because my camera's running out of memory. Actually it's because I tried to do a reenactment _and_ a lipsynch in one take and that took up most of the memory. Filmed 10s worth of video today. I should clear my memory card!

It's also because I don't have time to edit >.> because editing takes 1-2hrs in wee hours of the morning... and lately that time has been taken up by revision/ PROJECT WORK. PW is a whole other can of worms. And I think I need to pass my promos. 1 and a half more weeks and I am done.

In an attempt to put myself in a revision mood (I've been procrastinating too much lately. A few days ago I lost steam, and well... got lost in the flood of work to do, and didn't know where to start. Grumble. lost motivation. D: ) I'll dissect my progress, mostly for my own benefit, and to sort things out. This will bore you.

Math:
p&c, probability (done)
binomial poisson normal, hypothesis, correlation/regression (not done)
graphing, apgp, inequalities (done)
functions, summation (not done)

Chem:
atomic structure, chem bonding, energetics, chem eqm (done)
stoichiometry, gases, reaction kinetics (not really done)
periodicity, ionic equilibrium (not done)

Bio:
respiration, photosynthesis, viruses, dna&genomics (done)

bacteria, prokaryotes/eukaryotes, meiosis/mitosis, enzymes (half done)

carbs/lipds/proteins, cell structure, cell membrane (not done)

Lit:
horribly, horribly behind, have got to prepare questions/ remember quotes, summaries

GP:
The essay is ok, AQ is not(!) and it's very annoying. Otherwise paper 2 is fine. I think.

2009-09-12T02:00:00.002+08:00

GLEE.

This is going to be a short one.

Have you watched the new episode of glee? I don't know--the pilot seemed so much better, right? ok maybe I'm influenced by Kayley, who didn't really like it.

The writing's surprisingly sharp, though, and funny, but it seems like the singing and humor exist for the sake of themselves? There's not much in terms of plot, and efforts to add depth to the show are very Fail, for lack of a better word. For example, they try to bring in issues like eating disorders, but it doesn't really come through because of the humor. The humor just shoots them in the foot when the writers are trying to make an argument. I mean if you want to make a joke don't try to make it serious? There are plays/ tv shows that manage issues and humor fairly well, but it's hard to balance both aspects-- just do it well or not do it at all.

And the voiceovers! Don't they remind you of Scrubs? I suppose one cannot expect too much from a public-access tv show.

When Lea Michele's character talks about the sex thing, I completely agree with the misconception and "Girls want sex just as much as guys do.", but ahh the way she brings it up is so cringey.

"Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain." It's so insulting, and fallacious. I mean it's not like all of us are having sex left right and center, are we?

okok I'm nitpicking now, and being cynical. The music's good, and I'll leave it at that.

2009-09-11T03:41:00.001+08:00

Struggle.

I don't know if this is a chinese thing, but when I first saw this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnnJnIj3T90 (or lianeandthemusic's recent video) I was just thinking:

duh, life is a struggle. You're meant to struggle-- if you don't struggle what you're working hard for is not worth it. Stop wallowing and get on with it. Stop complaining.

And I don't know-- what you're taught doesn't really translate into action, I suppose. Because sometimes I feel like this too and I used to get really hung up about feeling sad and despondent, and start to wonder what I'm struggling for.

Then your parents/ teachers will tell you to stop bawling for god's sake, look at jenny--does she cry her eyes out? How are you going to compete in the future if you continue like this? Jenny's all decided about what she wants to do in life, are you? Why don't you have any ambition? Everyone else has a goal, why don't you? I'm so disappointed in you; we have spent so much time and effort into teaching you and these are the results you give me? Why didn't you try harder? If you didn't spend so much time with your friends and more time studying, you would have done better. Why did you do this? You have not only disappointed me, you have disappointed your family, school, classmates-- you are such a disgrace!

Basically the thing is to guilt-trip you until you pull up your socks.

I don't think I want to take a stand on this; I'm pretty undecided regarding educational methods and cultural differences, but I wanted to find out if the difference in opinions was significant? heh because my relatives look down on people from the states or to simplify it, angmohs (红毛鬼, a label that encompasses all caucasians), and are like: "See? Us chinese work harder, and can 吃苦 (overcome suffering). Over there they wait for the government to help them, here the government doesn't help us! See- all the smart kids are chinese or indian."

Ok bringing in Social Welfare is a whole other can of worms, but the point is that sometimes people here(?) tend to make generalisations about angmohs and in some cases they are convinced that their generalisations are correct. Take the recession, for example. Some people think that the recession happened because Americans are stupid and don't know how to be thrifty when they take loans for a house or a car that is priced way beyond their means. So this led to the sub-prime crisis.

On the other end of the spectrum, it is kind of part of the culture here to be careful with your money; people would rather stay in a flat that they can own rather than in a landed property they have to take a loan for. It's also admirable to "have a million" in your bank account and dress like someone poorer, and old people commonly turn their lights off in the day to save on electricity bills. There is a sterotype that chinese tend to be calculative, but this is not without basis when you think about confucian teachings. Almost the whole chinese culture (at least, what we get in schools) is based on the idea that hard work = success. From this stems the idea that if you don't get the prize first, other people will, and the obstacles in your life are punishment for your wrongdoings. (please, please correct me if I'm wrong)

2009-08-24T02:46:00.002+08:00

just watched history boys, and its is *swoons* lovely.

The writing! Is just incredible, and really sharp and witty. There's the screenplay of it somewhere (it exists on amazon) so I'll go look for it.

The big themes are education and coming of age, but what really stood out for me was love. If one really wanted to do this systematically, there's lust between dakins/fiona, yearning in posner/dakins and tension~ in irwin/dakins. See? All the romantic relationships practically revolve around dakins, and rightfully so-- he is smouldering.

Irwin is this temp. teacher, by the way, who comes to tutor the boys on how to write clever essays for the oxbridge admissions exams.

The writing was so amazing that I had to stop and rewind some parts, especially towards the end with irwin/dakins, and irwin is so... shy and blushy and bowled over. (I almost typed "blowed over". Anyway.) And dakins is like: "you know you want me". But I can't believe irwin is such a wuss like that! He's practically melting when dakins promises him a date.

Though. At some points it's hard to see beyond the comedy and into the serious stuff. Or rather at some points these are hard to differentiate. Especially with dakin, you don't really know whether he's taking anything seriously. You don't even know where is alliances lie.

Obviously in these things the characters do not have a definite sense of morality, so I don't know why this new york times review said that

"This is a work in which the most likable and, by the play's standards, most moral figure is an obese English teacher who regularly swats his students in class and fiddles (to use the euphemism of choice) with the more attractive of them after school."

I mean morality in these things is not even a question. The history boys isn't meant to be moralistic; it's meant to show things the way they are/ were and explore the relationship between a teacher and his students. For those who haven't seen it, hector (the "obese English teacher") and his groping isn't taken seriously. There are certain doubts, like "how will I deal with it if he feels me up?" But mostly the boys think it's all a joke, a slight inclination the English Teacher happens to have; they respect him for his opinions and teachings all the same.

Granted, the NYT was reviewing the stage play, and I've only watched the movie.

But the love! (posner has for dakin) Is so endearing and sweet and... *swoons again*.

[SCRIPPS has just seen POSNER swooning over dakin]

SCRIPPS: Love can be very irritating.
POSNER: How do you know?
SCRIPPS: It's what I always think about God; he must get so pissed off, everybody adoring him all the time.
POSNER: Yes. Only you don't catch God poncing about in his underpants.

[Cut to this scene of POSNER singing]

And then there's this scene between posner and hector after that, and they talk about literature:

HECTOR: Lost boy though he is, on the far side of the world, he still has a name.
(On Hardy) A saddish life, though not unappreciated. "Uncoffined" is a typical Hardy usage. It's a compound adjective, formed by putting "un" in front of a noun. Or verb, of course. Unkissed, unrejoicing, unconfessed, unembraced. It's a turn of phrase that brings with it a sense of not sharing. Of being out of it, whether because of diffidence or shyness. But a holding back. Not being in the swim. Can you see that?

POSNER: Yes, sir. I felt that a bit.

HECTOR: The best moments in reading are when you come across something -- a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things-- that you'd thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else. A person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. And... it's as if a hand has come out and taken yours.

The first part, the "un" bit, you can't help but feel sorry for posner and hector alike, who both have something/ someone they really want but who won't reciprocate their affections (in posner's case) or something they can't have. (being openly gay, in hector's case. He is married.)
And I don't have to mention that the reading quote has its own inherent value.

I would love to see the History Boys performed live, only there aren't any tours in my area. Will see. If you want to watch it, I watched it off youku. It's also nc16 for all those legal people who want to buy/ borrow it ^^

EDIT: I want to buy the soundtrack! The 80s songs they use as background are great, as is samuel barnett's Bewitched and Bye Bye Blackbird.

2009-08-20T02:29:00.004+08:00

YAY! the proper layout is back! ^^ hip, hip HOORAY.

This song by pomplamoose is appropriate for the situation.

Dinner for two lost its taste
When I embraced
All of your leftover bait
And I wish we had never gone stale
But who could tell
Your expiration date
Oh Id like to get over
Id like to get over you

School is helping. Loads. Massively.

Chemistry practical tomorrow, which is 7.5% of our ALevel grade, and I am nervous. I always get the titration wrong and forget the concentration calculations and the questions kind of build up on each other, so if you get the first one wrong, you'll get the rest wrong. They've given us lots of practice, so I've been going over them and redoing them. Hopefully I don't mess up tomorrow.

And then EOM and lit homework which I never do and chem tutorials and my stupid philo essay, which class I can't go to anymore. *grumble* I mean for the past 5 years I've been giving things up for the sake of school and I hate not being able to do the things I like. And once I give up something, I'm not allowed to take it back, in case my grades drop again. Mostly the school makes me give things up. And mostly it is my fault.

Ok it is entirely my fault that I've had to give things up. Admittedly I used to not mind giving up violin and my time, because I didn't want to be bogged down by things, but now I would really like not to have remedial and have my time back. And now I've given almost everything up and what's left is the minimum to get my butt through school, but it's still not working.

Although. The upside is that the emphasis on schoolwork and busybusy days make you think about your priorities, so you keep what is important to you and let go of what is not. Everything superfluous is abandoned, and your time and energy is concentrated on activities that matter, so that's a good thing.

2009-08-19T03:51:00.000+08:00

I'm hungry.
and off-kilter.
When have I not been off-kilter?

Arghh I don't want to have to worry about.

I don't know what to say, except that everything that has been going on lately has been rather personal.

Hmm. Since amanda palmer (http://twitter.com/amandapalmer) is talking about hitting the rag, I'll talk about that too! I don't have bad cramps ^^ And I'm not on the rag at the moment. Some people chart their cycles on a calendar, but I don't, partly because mine tends to be really irregular. I am fascinated by people who can go: "okay, Aunt Flo is going to visit this week; I'd better stock up on aspirin." The crimon wave shouldn't be something to complain about, especially when you eat less!

On a more (or less?) serious note, I notice that in a coed school, people don't complain about their cramps as much. In my old school, we used to use it as an excuse for anything! Especially PE. I hate the pads they sell in the school shop for people who aren't expecting it. They're the cheapest kind, which means they're lumpy and rough. I like tampons!Have you noticed the ones they sell in condom-like packaging? That's funny.

The euphemisms are so cute:
My cup of joy is overflowing
Nosebleed in Australia
Playing banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band (beatles reference!)
Panty shields up, Captain! (port or starboard?)
Scarlet letter, The (literary reference!)
Vampire's bag lunch (Though hopefully not edward's. Has anyone thought of what Edward does when Bella is on the rag?)

2009-08-10T02:26:00.000+08:00

fug it why is blogger falling to pieces? yesterday I couldn't link, and today I can't see the layout properly. 2.30am.

sorry. This whole time I've been thinking about going away but the thing is. If university/ what comes next doesn't turn out to be what I've hoped it would be, what would I do? Because sometimes I kind of think that university would be the be all and end all, the solution to all the problems, the end to this blinking hell hole, but what if it isn't really all these things?

What if my teachers/ lecturers end up being people who can't teach? What if I won't get to learn all the things I want to? What if secretly university and the classes and the syllabus are just like A levels, only worse? fugfugfug I mean I never thought these things could happen until I went to the school I'm going to now.

Though honestly it is not wise to put university on a pedestal and say that it is made up of good glorious things, when actually it might, in equal parts, might

2009-08-08T21:05:00.000+08:00

ok this will be a quick one:

from amanda palmer: "i’m also trying to book a singapore gig (i’ll be there with neil) in october."
ARE YOU SERIOUS and

from neil gaiman: "World Fantasy Con is Hallowe'en Weekend (in San Jose website is http://www.worldfantasy2009.org/). I won't be there as I'm going to be in Singapore for the literary festival. But I will miss it."

oh my goodness they never come to this part of the world...

And even if amanda palmer can't book a show, she can still do a ninja twitter thing and I will pay!

I double-checked and the literary festival in question is the Singapore Writer's Festival. OMG I can volunteer and things they have openings-- but it's for schools only/ organisations. If only I can find a group of people... WG? Anyone from WG covering this? Can I have in on this??

It would be like volunteering at a CON, because they have programming and panels and things... and it is after promos (year end exams) but before PW (this project we have to do)so I will be free for this!! Kind of. But it is a chance not to be missed ahh.

Looked up the guest list but neil gaiman isn't on it. What if he just put it as a typo or a joke or something and he isn't really coming? *dithers* should I email to ask for specifics?

2009-08-07T19:46:00.000+08:00

D: twitter was down yesterday and I couldn't check jbdazen's tweets. *sigh*
On the bright side, fiona has found my blog! *waves* after the whole ___room fuss. haha.

Haven't been posting for two weeks or so. What has transpired in my absence? hmm http://redbicycletea.blogspot.com has updated. So has tumbleweedrabbits. We're starting from scratch! It's relieving because all my icky pictures used to be on there and now they are not. phoung-nghi takes better pictures than I do. So does michele.

I keep watching jbdazen's The Geeks Are Out video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ae8mCVje0M) and I keep seeing myself... and the quality of the video pales in comparison to the other participants. I mean it's only a couple seconds (thank god for that) but argh seeing yourself in widescreen amongst other better youtubers is a bit discouraging. It's because I'm thin-skinned. I could have put in more effort, though, because when I filmed the video I was in a rush to go to school because I stupidly slept the night before. darn.

Happy thing! Washed the shoes I got from youswop and they fit like a glove! Because they were a bit big before and they shrank while washing, I guess. Got them for $12 in youswop money, which I swopped 1 sudoku player for. Yay for not spending real money. Though sometimes the youswop thing doesn't work because I really want shoes, but the shoes there are ugly/ don't fit me. And I can't buy any more clothes, because my closet is filled to the brim. I mean really. I can't fit my new clothes in. A wardrobe full of clothes and nothing to wear.

I don't think it's because I'm buying too many clothes, though. The last time I went shopping was two months ago (at the fleaflyflofun thing) and I only got a skirt. It's just that I have things that my parents/ relatives have gotten for me, but I hate them and never wear them. But it's not polite if you throw it away, because then they'll be like: "Where's the shirt I got you? Why aren't you wearing it?" And I still have things that don't fit me, that I used to wear when I was 10/ 11 years old. When you think about it, I'll be turning 17 next wednesday-- that means I've kept the clothes for far too long!

Don't think I should be shopping from now till exams though. I don't know. Sometimes when I haven't been going out, I really really feel that I need to get out of the school-home-tuition loop and do something or my brain will get fried.

Pfft won't get my camera back till tuesday so I can't catch up on video-uploading during the long weekend D: sigh. Yesterday during national day festivities, this ensued:

CHELE: *holding video camera, filming* Could you help me film?
ME: Sure! (jumps and grabs camera from her hands)
CHELE: (goes away)
PA SYSTEM: Could everybody sit down?
ME: oh crap oh crap (messes up footage)
CHELE: (returns) I'll take it from here
~another group comes on~
ME: Can I film this? I'm really good at keeping the camera still, I'm really good with video cameras... (really, I have only used video cameras twice in my life)
CHELE: But it's not mine-- I don't think you should be playing with it. If we can delete the footage it'll be ok.
ME: Okay, hand it over. I'll figure it out. (presses too many buttons and has no idea how to do this)
CHELE: It's not yours, woman, don't spoil it.
ME: But it's so shiny! Don't you realise how much memory this has? The quality of video? The battery life? (rambles and still can't figure it out)
OWNER OF CAMERA: (I do not know this person at all) Could I have my camera back?
ME: (Grudgingly returns camera with a sad look)
CHELE: (kicks me)

I deserved to be kicked. But! video cameras are so shiny...

2009-07-22T01:49:00.002+08:00

Quote from AFP: (heh amanda palmer, not agency france-presse)

"Being alone is hugely important. I've often thought that if I'd had the internet as a teenager, I may never have become a good songwriter. I think would have been too addicted to all of the wonderful possibilities online - I was a very connection-hungry kid. But that time to INCUBATE as an artist, to really spend a lot of time alone and improvising and being bored and finding ways to fill up space, that's what made me blossom creatively. It took SPACE. I'll be really interested to see what happens with the next generation. The ones who are more tempted to play guitar hero than play guitar. But once again, I don't think there's a "better" or "worse"....I think it might just be a breeding ground for a new type of artist."

from http://www.hypebot.com/hypebot/2009/07/interview-amanda-palmer.html hypebot.com, in an email interview.

As good an argument as any to get my butt off the computer and start writing/ reading critically... and pass my Alevels.

Alas, I am wraught with a terrible inertia. (excuses.)
And a bad "I have to finish this, so I'll pull an all-nighter" work ethic.
Have been sleeping 2-3 hours a night for the past three days, and running on $1 coffee. That might explain the jumpiness and extreme emotions.

2009-07-21T00:27:00.005+08:00

Hello readers. I suppose now you're going to get a blow-by-blow account of my reactions to what is happening RE: hbp and my video on BestWishesFromNL.

I subbed for Jonneke yesterday on the channel, and it took a freaking NINE HOURS to upload and a lot of agonising but it's up and I'm so ~happy! Have to find synonyms for happy; I'm using it too much. Right. I feel lucky! delighted! joyful! ecstatic! glad! no not just glad but very very satisfied and um Ah Ha. I am THRILLED.

There's only 1 tiny problem: I can't bring myself to watch it. I mean after I've edited the video it's hard to watch myself once it's uploaded because it's so mortifying. The thought that other people have actually watched you... do stuff is so scary. [lack of vocabulary much?] Okay in short: I am embarrassed of myself.

And I find myself questioning, over and over and over again:
Was I in the right mind while doing this?
Do I need Prozac?
What the heck was I thinking?!
aaand ohmygoodness I can't believe people are actually watching this.

Am going to squee on the blog mostly, I think, because people in real life would go: "What's a nerdfighter?" And think I am crazy for screaming, happy-dancing and mock-fainting. Because that's what I was doing (embarrassingly) when I was watching HBP.

Speaking of HBP, *spoiler alert* did anyone catch the reference to the Parselmouths when Hermione is at dinner with Slughorn, and she's like: "My parents are dentists, that means they fix teeth." ?
From "What Kind of Name is Hermione?" :
Have you heard that her parents are dentists? (Dentists?)
That means they pick around in dirty muggles' teeth. (Ew!)

Okay on hindsight it may not be a reference, but if you actually watched the movie, slughorn's like: "Your parents are muggles?" And the whole table turns and stares at her.

And during the felix felicis part I just kept on thinking about the Harry and the Potters song!
There's a part where someone mentions "Slug Club", and I squealed aloud -_-' because then I thought of Scarhead and HatP.

After the movie Nat and I were chatting:

NAT: Did you see Snape? He was like: *scowls*
ME: More like *smoulders*. Did you see the part where he pushes draco up against the wall?

I was talking about all the smutty snape bits, and Nat (who is not the slashy type) had to shush me and go "That is not the focus! The point is his acting skills!"

I was a little disturbed by the part where Ginny goes to Harry: "Oh, shoelace." *bends down to tie it*
And then she rises, trying to keep as much eye contact with Harry as possible. It's so suggestive! No you have to go watch it's so funny.

After that it's "Merry Christmas, Harry." Loved the way Bonnie Wright delivered the line, packed with meaning and sadness and all. But... isn't this supposed to happen in DH? The part where Harry is leaving the Burrow and then Ginny invites him into her room and goes: "Here's your birthday present. *Snogs*"

Would jump at the chance to see it again, since geeru and michele haven't watched it yet. Will bring a notebook and write down all the references and nifty things I want to talk about.

[/edit] Amidst all the hype, I forgot to mention the ginny/harry kiss! For the record, it was so much better than the harry/cho one: quality trumps quantity. Just because cho got more action doesn't mean the scene was *good*-- there was no subtlety in the cho kiss, just a lot of "wow harry's first girlfriend wow better take your time!" The way ginny and harry kissed was more adult but they were more comfortable around each other, so you KNOW ginny's in it for the long run. Cho's kiss felt more like Harry liked the novelty of having a girlfriend-- very lavender brown, actually.

And! I absolutely adored Helena Bonham-Carter in this one-- she made bellatrix seem less like a bitch and more like a crazy person I'd make friends with. But she's not so much scary as schitzo, which might undermine her power/ meaness/ malice as a character.

--Reading Hayley's and Kristina's blogs, and Kayley's and alwayspureblood's videos, hence the intermittent commenting--

Think nat and I like the scriptwriter [Steve Kloves] this time because the lines were actually _good_ and packed with meaning. I mean within the constraints of a movie there's only so much you can say, but every line had a purpose. [comedic humour doesn't really count] Like you have to listen really carefully because the lines convey as much as they're supposed to, and more. It was also lovely that the first few bits of the movie were quoted word for word from the book, I kid you not.

Though. I sorely missed the King's Cross part; it was the scene I was looking forward to the most. Provides closure and everything. The underground scene at the beginning is a good effort to allude to King's Cross, though. OH I know why they couldn't do King's Cross-- they've renovated the station a lot, so it wouldn't look the same as Philosopher's Stone.

2009-07-20T19:30:00.002+08:00

AHHHH

OH MY GOODNESS

OH

I THINK I'M GOING TO FAINT.

I come back from HBP, and there are a TON omg omg omg of new subscribers omgomg omg omgomg I haven't even read them yet.

There are 11 new emails in my gmail inbox, 7 of them are youtube-related, and I HAVE 5 NEW SUBSCRIBERS.

I mean on a good day I only get 1 or 2 youtube messages and they're mostly advertisements, or "come watch this!" and today ahh OMG I totally didn't expect such a reaction. !!! *so insanely excited*

OH MY GOODNESS this means I have viewers! Who actually watch!

I've never had viewers or readers before.

if you'll notice, the blogposts lately seem to be CAPS CAPS CAPS and are usually either intensely angry/ annoyed, or intensely excited, but I tend only to blog about exciting things. And this blog is mainly for ranting, and an outlet for fangirling. Will try to moderate my emotions somewhat.

Even though people who know me in real life think I'm dull, mild and boring. Psychoanalyse my blog! :D :D :D

2009-07-20T01:30:00.002+08:00

The other day I was having an English lesson, and we were reading an essay about new media vs traditional media. The writer talks about the evolution of media in the introduction, and the following conversation ensues:

STUDENT: What is movable type?
TEACHER: Um, I don't know. Portable type, I guess?

Issue #1: !!! wtf The essay was talking about movable type in the 16TH CENTURY yeah there were PORTABLE TYPEWRITERS in the 16th century, right? I mean the sentence even mentioned "printing press"-- isn't that an anvil-sized hint that maybe portable typewriters wasn't what the author was referring to?

From wiki: "Movable type is the system of printing and typography that uses movable components to reproduce the elements of a document (usually individual letters or punctuation)."

MAYBE my classmate was just trying to kid the teacher. But still! Argh how can you be so ignorant. This is the reason why I so badly want/ need to be somewhere else.

Issue #2: I was too hesitant/ too stupid/ lacking guts to correct the teacher and say something to the contrary. Out of my class of 22, no one else bothered to correct her either. [but that is not the issue] The issue is that I should have more gumption to correct her. If people in the class genuinely didn't know what "movable type" meant, they would go home with the wrong impression, all because I was too lazy to say something. Really, I'm just a selfish, spiteful idiot.

2009-07-20T00:55:00.002+08:00

I haven't posted in ages! To a certain extent I think twitter takes the place of this. For those of you not following me on twitter, I have NEWS.

I've won a book!!!! Extreme Kissing by Luisa Plaja, all thanks to Ink and Paper Specials' Sex in Teen Lit Month.

So there. In Yo Face.

(To detractors: yes a YA book isn't much, and a month dedicated to YA sometimes doesn't sound like very in-depth reading, but Sex and the way it is portrayed to teen readers is important. Partly because teen readers are so impressionable, and partly because adults/ readers in general want to make sure that young adults get the right information about sex: what it is and what it isn't.

And sometimes people have different ideas about what is "right information" for teens. Should there be graphic sex scenes? Should there be clear messages/ preaching in the book? What about abortion and safe sex?

Sex is also more than intercourse itself: in Sweet-Valley- High type novels, the "good girl" doesn't want it at all, but the "bad girl" does. Does that mean that girls shouldn't have the urge to have sex at all? Guys, also, do not just have One Thing and one thing only on their minds. )

Further Discussion! over at http://inkandpaperspecials.blogspot.com/

She only has 26 blog followers! So go follow. There are reviews of YA novels, interviews with YA authors, as well as discussions. (Jo, the reviewer, replies to most comments!) Ink and Paper Specials is also on twitter: http://twitter.com/jo_scrawls

2009-07-08T01:30:00.003+08:00

Okay after I put the link to Sex in Teen Lit Month in the sidebar --->
(proper writeup for that in due time, I've got 15 min to do this post)

I feel that a more dignified blogpost is warranted! No silly rants about movies or wasted money. None 0f that frivolous, trite stuff. Today I am going to blog about something that is of grave importance.

*drumroll*

Oh my goodness I simply cannot wait!!!! *squee* Oh my goodness Oh how long have I waited for this movie to come out!

(YEAH boycotters, what are you going to do now, huh? When almost EVERYONE is squeeing and planning gatherings for the premiere in MAJOR CITIES. )

I cannot imagine that it's only a little more than one week to its release! Have been waiting and waiting and waiting since november when they postponed it, and even before that we were all waiting and WB released promo material already and they HAD to postpone it...

No matter! I am loyal to the fandom! (Not to mention to those in the film industry.) I will watch it! On the 16th of july! On the 15th if I can score tickets/ permission.

I will find someone to go with me! (Finally, the one potter thing where I know people in the area.) If YOU, lucky person, would like to go with me, I will be going on the evening of the 16th most probably. So comment! Email! elocin12@gmail.com and we will ~gather~ and fangirl/boy and squee. I will be taking video! So Be Warned.

2009-07-02T04:28:00.002+08:00

The following is a extended rant/ complaint, so HEADS UP PEOPLE.

Argh I know this sounds selfish but I don't want to want Transformers 2. I mean REALLY? You really think I like watching movies of that nature? There's nothing good on and the reason why I don't watch movies in theatres because I hate wasting money on a horrible 2-3 hours. And argh I only spend when I KNOW the movie is going to be reasonably good, (haha this means I only watch 1-2 movies a year out of my own volition) which means I don't mind spending on HBP.

Yes I sound ridiculously poor but the cheapest movie ticket is $6 and that's on weekdays and I'd rather spend on bookmooch/ youswop postage or postage to friends than on MOVIES which are like consciously condemning yourself to a bad time. If you watch a crappy movie. I might be only talking like this because the last movie I saw was race to witch mountain, and I thought they'd stopped making movies with awful writing. But they didn't, so.

I am not willing to take the risk of Transformers turning out to be a cheesy, I-am-going-to-puke-movie. That's what I felt when I watched Witch Mountain. If the writing is horrible (which it probably will be) I swear I will walk out and go cd-hunting. No matter who I'm watching it with.

This is bordering on being pretentious but I _wanted_ to watch Hannah Montana which is practically the movie that tops B grade movies. This says volumes about my taste.

Oh great oh great I really don't want to spend my after-exam-time with lavender brown. I mean I keep thinking of all the post-midyears, and how incomparable they are to what I'm going to do tomorrow. 2 years ago I went out with charisse and michele shopping for SIX HOURS and I didn't regret/ dread it at all. And I never used to willingly go out with someone when I know I'm going to have an unpleasant time.

And then last year me and geeru went to the science centre after lunch with michele and nat. Although that sounds dorky, it was quite intriguing, and I had fun being defeatist with witty geeru who was nice enough to agree with my crazy ideas. I remember a conversation from that day-- we wanted to find out how to acquire a tourist map, in order to figure out where to go.

Okay tomorrow if I really hate it I can fake sick and go make/ edit videos and acquire books and everything will be better.

2009-06-26T17:15:00.002+08:00

Another something on Hard Work by Orson Scott Card:

"How about opportunity? The great geniuses of the home computer revolution all seemed to be born at around the same time -- three or four years after me. (Which is fine -- I wouldn't have been in the running because I didn't care enough.)

What was so magical about 1954 and 1955? Because these kids were coming of age at precisely the time when computers transitioned from punch cards to terminals with screens. Instead of carrying your computer program in a shoebox, it was stored electronically, and you could change it on a screen.

So if you were just as smart, and just as in love with computers, but were already out of college as a punch-card computer programmer, the revolution took place under your nose -- but you weren't really part of it. And if you were just as smart, etc., but were born three years later, when you got to the party the punch was already gone.

But it's more than talent, and more than luck. How about 10,000 hours?

The number is approximate, but that's about how much practice and work the "geniuses" put into their careers to take them over the threshold into the big leagues.

Sure, there's some natural talent or aptitude. But then comes decision time -- are you going to really do this, or just continue plinking around at it?

Musicians. Painters. Writers. Mathematicians. Computer programmers. Game designers. Actors. Singers. They don't sit around feeling good about themselves and building up their self-esteem. They do the work. They put in the time.

I didn't even know I was going to be a writer. I was in drama, not writing. But I sat there, hour after hour, filling notebooks with play scripts or short stories or essays. I was a writer, whether I thought of that as my career or not.

And I put in my ten thousand hours.

It's like I tell novice writers. You learn more from writing a 100,000-word novel than from any number of classes. (Except, of course, the ones I teach.) (OK, I was including them as well.)

I also tell my students that every writer has to produce ten thousand pages of pure drivel. Some people have to write all ten thousand pages before they produce anything good. Some of us are luckier and get to have our lousy pages spread out over our whole career, so we can be earning money along the way.

Talent? Sure -- any amount of it above a certain threshold.

Opportunity? Absolutely -- grab it when you see it.

Hard work? Essential. As Gladwell makes clear, nobody gets to the top of any creative field without working at it until they simply know things that other people can't even guess at. "

Putting it in because heh motivation is sorely needed-- Chem (my first paper) is in 4 days! So, if I want to go anywhere and get out and away... I need decent A levels. And decent A levels requires one to be able to answer questions, but I can't do that :( Practice, my friends, is in order.

This is not the time to be whining about subject combinations, Nicole!!! You picked what you wanted to do, so stick with it. Be grateful you don't have any papers on monday or friday. Stop reading amandapalmer's tweets! Is she going to help you pass chem???

2009-06-22T01:56:00.003+08:00

Back! From week-long hibernation.

During the WLC (World Leadership Conference) there was a recurring conversation:

FRIEND: Are you planning to go to a university in singapore?
ME: No not really. *mumbles something about expanding horizons*
FRIEND: So where would you like to go to university?
ME: Um. The UK?
FRIEND: Any particular universities in mind?
ME: Um mm uh Melbourne Uni if I can get the scholarship?
[Yes, melb is kind of not in the UK but I've said that New South Wales was in WALES, so you understand my aptitude in geography.]
FRIEND: Oh okay.

So friends! Naturally I embark on a quest to find The University.
A vietnamese friend who went to the conference goes to Wesleyan University, so I google it, and do the campus tour and all that jazz. To find out about what other people thought about it, I tried collegeboard.com, and then I see this amazing academic program called Semester at Sea. So I google that, and I found this!

SEA Semester is this exciting program in Woods Hole, MA. You get to earn 17 college credits while spending a semester of college there, plus actually sail and learn to man[?] a working ship. You spend a few weeks on shore first, attending classes, and then about 3 weeks at sea carrying out an independent research project. When I first read it I was like [!!!] I would kill to be able to earn academic credits while doing fieldwork and learning about conservation, sustainability, genetic anthropology and the like.

It sounds a lot like what I did in wales-- fieldwork, testing your own hypotheses, understanding the significance of the tests you're conducting, getting to be up close with intertidal organisms etc. There is a large variety of programs they're offering:

"Ocean Exploration takes an interdisciplinary approach that combines data and insights from oceanography, the humanities and social sciences, and public policy – together with practical skills in nautical science – so students can develop a broad understanding of the sea."
You take courses like Oceanography, Nautical Science and Maritime Studies.

Aaand in Maritime Studies you get to do Maritime Literature, which I hope is what the kid says in the video about NOVELS about sailing like The Old Man and the Sea, because then I would squee! It's like... studying The Great Gatsby before going to NYC or doing something like Wuthering Heights or Rebbecca or even Brideshead Revisited before visiting an English estate complete with country and moors and things. Ahh omg I can't imagine earning credits for this.

and then there's "SEA Semester: Oceans and Climate provides an unequaled opportunity for undergraduate science students to study the place of the oceans in one of the pivotal scientific questions of our time – global climate change."

If I want to do this I have to do a science major, but I shouldn't base my decision on SEA Semester because I might not even get in (25 people per program; there are only so many people that can fit on a sailing ship) but still! It's a good reason, right, to do a science major? Ach the non-science majors I would take might be political science or sociology, but sometimes when I choose my major I think: I would like to be able to take philo classes along with ecology and environmental studies; there is so much that I do not know o_o but that's for another blog post.

Anyway in SEA Semester: Oceans and Climate there's a Oceanographic Research Techniques course which means I'll get to do fieldwork!! :D And look at plankton samples and intertidal organisms... there's a wide range, with [acoustic measurements of water flow] as one of the research options, which is very physics. Exciting exciting

When you look at the pictures, also, the ships they're sailing are REAL ships, with sails and masts and everything. Not like lame cruise ships/ yachts with no sails. The sails are so Dawn Treader, right? Go go look at the pictures. There's a part where Lucy leans off the bowspirit and looks at the merpeople and sometimes Reepicheep goes up to the crow's nests and the rain will fall on deck like a real STORM, just like in Dawn Treader! If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's just a lot like Pirates of the Caribbean.

eee it would be lovely to go. Really exciting. And there is TRAVEL involved! And managing on your own! And no cellphone signals or internet in the middle of the OCEAN. (Onboard computers are only for research purposes) You're just left alone to do your research and work and let the sea inspire you. Talk about isolation! :D The ship also docks at places like Bahamas, Cuba, and Jamaica, and you get to go onshore to visit.

Has anyone read Troubling a Star by Madeline L'engle? It sounds A LOT like that, with the lectures and sense of community.