pooky, I think you'll like the video :)

mm yes.

I've been thinking, the thing about hanging out with older people is that sometimes they think they are responsible for me? As if I were their younger sister or something, they are hence responsible for my safety, academic progress, etc. As much as I hate being treated as a child, I think the reason why they treat me like this is that I'm irresponsible myself.

Beyond how young I look-- tbh my friends don't look too old themselves ;D -- it's largely how immature I am. Mostly I dive into things headfirst without thinking of the consequences, and this is a sign of immaturity. Secondly of course is that quite recently I've been immersing myself in all that is not school-related: making videos, blogs, twitter, etc and they think this is affecting my academic work. I think it is, to be frank.

I don't like it. I don't like being talked down to and being perceived as incapable. It's like drawing a white line between my relations with older friend and I. They know this, of course, and very tactfully try to do this as little as possible. They also regard me as an equal most of the time, which is a fact that I appreciate tremendously, because I know they could just brush me off and they don't *really* have to talk to me. But whenever they bring up the subject of age and advising me, I just feel out of place and embarrassed.

Most of this is my doing, of course. It's not just my older friends who tell me off, it's friends my age too. Proving the fact that I really need to be told off, and it's not just my older friends thinking that telling me off is a result of their position. I feel I should be responsible, and that I should disconnect-- both mentally and physically-- from the internet and focus on passing my tests. But it's so hard when sometimes I feel that connecting with someone else who understands me through the internet is part of how I feel human. Being cut off and isolated in an environment where nobody understands anything is frustrating.

I mean. Last term I skipped a few classes, thinking nobody would notice. Sometimes they didn't. Sometimes they did. Ultimately I know that this isn't going to benefit me in the long term, and I have to make myself stop doing it, at least till the end of the school year. Sometimes I get mad at myself for not being able to hold out for what is just five more months now, and just make myself go to school and sit and study. I hate it. I hate school. Not learning in general, though, and not all aspects of school. Just. argh sometime I think that I don't have the willpower to stick it out and pass my A levels.

Damn I can't just pass, I have to get, well, As, or I'll have to retake the year. I don't want to do that. I can't stay in there for longer than I have to. But I don't have a choice. Really, sticking it out and getting good scores is the fastest way I can assure myself a ride out of here.

Lately my mum has been threatening me about what she would do with me if I couldn't get into university. I couldn't find an answer she would be satisfied with. Obviously, not getting into university seems to be a very realistic consequence at this point.

I really need to stop procrastinating.

Speaking of family, though, right now I'm trying to block out all the stress originating from my family and my extended family and from aunts whom I've never seen in years-- I'm just letting the pressure from my peers and teachers push me, because I cannot handle the concerns of a thousand other people. Who all seem to have their own, DIFFERENT, opinions on where I should go for university and how hard I should study and when I should be applying. I mean no, honestly, quite recently my getting into university seems to be a convenient, inoffensive, topic of conversation. I don't want to attempt to please everybody, like I used to. It's all just a bloody waste of time. (This is only in regards to what I should major in/ which university I should go to, not in relation to how much I should study.)

There. WATCH IT.

oh my god if I ever get to leakycon 2011 I'm going to cry.

I felt emotional watching this video.

if I ever get to go next year, it will be a culmination of four years of waiting.

And the community and the spirit is NEVER GOING TO END.

I am insane.

But you knew that already.

I had a dream where-- okay let's just start from the beginning. And, also, just ignore the absurdity of things happening in this post and accept it as it is.

So I was having tuition, with a few people from my school. Cherie was there. We were planning to go for a movie outing as a class (cherie isn't in my class, this doesn't make sense, but never mind) after we were done with tuition/ our work. As usual, I take too long and I was one of the last ones to finish, mainly because for some reason I had received a NOTE from my other friends- darran, dith, ling, kiru etc. The way the note was delivered was that a messenger had to knock the classroom door and announce: "Is nicole chen here? There's a message for her." In such a way that everyone else in the class knew that I had gotten a note, and the note was from my other friends. For some reason they also knew who the note was from.

The message was written much like a text, something along the lines of: "Are we having lunch later?" But the content of the message wasn't important, as the main thing was that everyone knew that me receiving/ reading the note slowed me down and caused me to take even longer to finish my work. This made me leave the class late, and I was late for the class outing-- because the movie started at 1pm and I arrived at 1.06pm.

Everyone was waiting for me, and Cherie got mad at me, and said: "You were late and made us miss the movie all because of a BOY? You ditch us because of a BOY? Are we less important than your other friends, now? Do you know how LONG I've known you compared to your other friends?"

And I was struggling to explain: "No, no, it's not like that-- please hear me out-- please it's not like that..."

Cherie: "So you mean your other, more glamourous friends are more important than us? That now you have older friends you can ditch us whenever you like? That you hang out with older people you are better than us, now? If you don't want to go out with us and would rather hang out with your cooler friends then TELL US so we don't have to wait around for someone like YOU to turn up."

And then suddenly I was looking at my gmail inbox, like a jumpcut happened, and in there were emails from Michelle T., my classmates and cherie, with titles all starting with "B". The common thread among these emails were that they were all mad at me. I couldn't open these emails, though, I could only see them piling up in my inbox, and every time I refreshed the page there would be more. So I tried checking the internet and realised that the mobile modem wasn't even connected to the laptop, so I was trying my hardest to access the internet from my phone and things and to reply to these emails to clarify the situation.

And then I woke up.

cherie appeared, I think, because she's the only person from my school who knows the people from writer's fest and knows what they look like and hence knows darran and kiru. She isn't the kind of person to get mad at me in real life, though, but the above situation seems very plausible at the moment.

The dream just opens a can of worms. There are so many questions to address... or not. haha.

There is so much SYMBOLISM.

idk @jay_lake analyses his dreams, so I was thinking of analyzing mine. And also because this dream unnerved me a little, and seemed so real.

clarification: darran isn't "the boy" and I am not "the girl", however much FRIENDS *coughgeerucough* like to say so. haha.

To be honest, though, if I knew people like that I would definitely egg them about it because the premise and the whole setup is comical xD If I were geeru I would definitely tease myself, just for the fun of it.

Many things have been on my mind of late, but now is not the time to be mulling over things.

I have a physical notebook-type journal that I can write things in, but sometimes (oddly) I think I'll get more privacy here. Because my mum/ sister/ grandfather etc SOMEONE living in my house always manages to read my diary, and my last one got stolen. At least in case of an emergency I can store everything in a hard drive (I'm figuring out an effective way to back this up at the moment) where it's harder to read.

I write things down because I'm afraid I will forget.

A friend I know writes 1000-word blogposts-- everything is outlined in detail. He says it's because he's afraid he might forget something, and I didn't believe him, "Really? You can forget what happened? The important things?" and he said yes. Now I kind of understand why he's afraid of forgetting.

I don't think I'll forget actual events, though, but the feelings that come with these events.

To clarify: the other day I was listening to Always in the Season by pomplamoose:

and it made me think of Nov '09, just about 6 months ago, and the happiness/ stress (odd, I know) that I felt then. But the memories felt so elusive! I don't want to forget happy events, or events relating to important people, or at least a point in my life where I felt hope. Beyond remembering for the sake of remembering, there is another reason which you will learn about in due time. (heh I sound like a novel) It's just very very important to me to be able to remember, and it's also a bit odd remembering, because how I felt then was so different from how I feel now.

First times are always firsts, and they never happen again. Especially now when I'm diving headfirst into things without thinking/ being hesitant, the initial bits pass very quickly, and I just want to be able to hold on to them, or pull them out whenever necessary. I've been doing a lot of firsts, lately, and I just want to remember the initial rush when I first do something.

To better illustrate: it's like when you're meeting a person for the first time. eg when I met sarahcoldheart/ jolantru (local SFF writers) I felt so happy and surprised that they were so different than what I expected, and yet they seemed like such wonderful people-- people I'd like to have long conversations with, about books and writing and the ~world. I felt so excited that they actually waited for me (heh embarrassed) and they respect my opinions and they are so gorgeous and friendly and knowledgeable.

And when I first met them, I was thinking: " oh my gosh oh my gosh these people actually EXIST in real life and they are interesting. Oh my goodness they are actually letting me SPEAK are they out of their mind? do they know what tripe would escape my lips do they know how LITTLE experience I have compared to other people in the room? oh my gosh"

You know? And in singapore you very rarely get to meet people who are so receptive to WRITING and are so patient and they READ omg they READ the same stuff as I do that is so awesome.

So yes. In relation to first memories, the other day I went to The Arts House with geeru, and I was remembering everything about swf and thinking that whatever feelings I felt the first time would never be exactly the same. So I tried to remember the excitement and anticipation of the first morning, meeting kiru and debby, the novelty of being in such a pretty building, the first time I saw jia min was when she was wearing an EQQUS shirt. I remember thinking: "Oh man. These are MY kind of people." And of course kiru has read prachett and jia min thursday next and they can understand all my references, and. Being in my stupid school with its walled-in community you think these things are impossible, are they not? But there I was, in a physical corner of singapore, learning that these people existed, that these people have JOBS, that they are happy and adjusted-- it just changes your whole perspective of the world.

It's like getting to know nerdfighteria and learning that there ARE smart people out there who use their brains and think about what they're doing. They aren't resistant to new ideas, they know how to read analytically, they have an opinion about world events. You think: "Oh! There IS hope for the future of the human race."

Listening to the An Education soundtrack, for old time's sake.



Heh but every time I do this, it freaks the crap out of me, for good reason.
And the longer this goes on, it freaks me out more and more. It's so awfully creepy. But it helps, really, not to think about it so much and let myself go.
I like freaking myself out :D :D #maniac
I adore the film.
I like good films, but I haven't the opportunity to watch movies lately.
Maybe I should get pooky to recommend me some.

it's so odd that this year I've come to know people who are fucked up, and it's actually people who are real, not fictional.

I don't know.

Sometimes I think because of my age, people are giving me concessions.

Not that I'm entirely against this; during the SFF panel, it was because of my age that people listened/ let me speak. (heh.)

It's just that sometimes *because* of my age people expect me not to perform as well as those older than me, and then I just stupidly underperform. I then think it's more acceptable to underperform, and use age as an excuse for not producing better work.

"Work" in this case refers to how I express myself in videos, and sometimes on blogs. Sometimes I feel like I'm just as articulate as my 14 year-old self, and I haven't moved on from that. I hate it. Take, for example, how I express myself here:

and compare how I talk about the SFF panel to how @jolantru talks about it. Do you see? The epic GULF that separates our quality of discussion?

It's also because michele talked about this student-run opinion online magazine, and suggested I submit an article. She's submitting one. I don't think I'm good enough to match up to the people who are appearing in the first issue-- they are the best of the best in my school-- so I'm hesitant about writing something. I think I'll just wait till the first issue comes out to see what the ~vibe is like, and to see what kind of stuff they want, before submitting.

Michele's suggestion also lead me to look through past posts, and I have to admit that most of my *remotely* intellectual things are terribly short and underdeveloped. (Surprise, surprise, teachers say this about my essays at school also) Otherwise they're just ranty posts concerning myself. Guess I have to try a lot harder at being articulate. Although I don't intend to be consciously articulate on this blog, probably on my um yet-undone book blog.

Not that I'm complaining. It sounds like I'm complaining. I'm just happy that my peers are better at everything than I am-- and this is a positive thing. Michele has a quote about this on her tumblr... *searches* Ah. Yes.

"Hang out with people who are smarter and as or more driven than you, and you will drift in that direction."

And this has been proven through, for most of my education at least. Not to sound bigheaded, but when you're placed with people who are constantly ousting you in everything they do, you have a natural compulsion to match up to them. It works, not only academically but when I was learning about leadership skills. When my peers were so able to manage groups of people, it made me want to pull my weight, and along the way I learnt how to manage stressful situations, and how to adapt to new environments. Sometimes you only become aware of how much you've changed because of your better peers when you're put with people who are not as able.

Ok like in my cca I used to take it for granted that everyone would pull their weight and follow up with everything and be on their toes without being told, but sometimes on volunteer stints I see people slacking and not being up to par, and THEN you realise what you've learnt/ taken with you. Eg we learnt in my cca that panicking in a stressful situation is the worst thing to do, because other people are following you and taking cues from your leadership. If you're a leader, and you spazz out, what are your followers going to do? Someone eventually has to pick up after you and fill in where you're falling behind, and you don't want to have people to babysit you all the time. Also panicking is very counter-productive: you waste unnecessary energy, and you don't spend time trying to rectify the situation. No one wants to have to deal with your emotional outbursts during a critical period. You have to think clearly and be definite about what has to be done, and either communicate to others about this, or get it done yourself.

semaphore magazine is ohhhh so good.
the illustrations! the warmth! the tone! the stories!

it's just like when I first discovered Cricket when I was 11.

Joy.

by the way, here's @jolantru's issue. I like it! it is great!
she can be found here.

ach normally I don't have the patience for fiction on my mac; I should do it more! :)

teared up when I watched this.

I don't know, think I've been angst-buckety lately. OBVIOUSLY angst-bucket me rarely gets airtime on twitter/ youtube, so I'll probably keep it quiet. It's just a bit unprofessional (and sometimes embarrassing) to angstbucket whenever you are... angsty. And I don't want people to see anything, idk prospective employers, for example.

I just hate being needy, you know? erk I hate being dependent and I keep trying to deny it or ignore angst and move the heck on but the longer I wait the worse it gets

gosh I wish I could do this with pooky sometime.

haha on saturday I went to the same shop at far east I went to 1 1/2 years ago to buy a band shirt. My crappy memory thought that the ACDC shirt I bought in Oct 2008 was $10, until I checked the blogpost I did on that and realised that I paid $18 instead xD

Because I paid $20 for the muse shirt, and I thought I had been cheated. Well the lady said $18 first, and I gave her $20, but she didn't give me my change back, and I didn't want to cross her (yes I'm a schmuck) so I didn't ask for change and got the heck out of there. haha I make it sound like a very rough place but it really wasn't, it was just very crowded with merch-- they are very economical with their shopping real estate-- just a little bit more crowded than I remembered. Anyway the stock had changed a little; there were a lot of leftover michael jackson shirts, and then they had more updated stuff like fall out boy and MCR, and good stuff like the Beatles. There was iron maiden and a lot of metal-looking bands, but I don't really like the fact that I like iron maiden but their art is so... ugly. (for lack of a better word).

There was a yellow submarine Beatles shirt, and I was torn between that and the Muse shirt, although I eventually decided on the muse shirt because I already have a beatles shirt. And Muse one was of a music festival-thing; there was Jet and um haha a lot of other bands listed, with a cool graphic. The shirt's in the wash right now, and mmm I'm not wearing it until I've altered it. I liked my acdc shirt a LOT better after it had been altered; it fit better (duh) but I'm also proud of my altering skillz xD

Although I don't have enough expertise to trust myself to alter my skirts properly lol because it's a little bit harder than altering shirts and I'm worried that it'll come out all wrong. So I'm bringing them to the laundromat/ tailor when I have the time and/or money.

On a related note, I don't know why you would be interested in reading the above. But I had something to talk about and I need to talk because I haven't had the chance to talk to people irl lately. (I got to talk to pooky the other night, which was great!) I kind of like juggling two conversations on msn because all my friends come online at the same time >.> and then my SISTER comes to talk to me just to annoy me, so I have to talk to her and talk to two people at the same time so it's very confusing but fun.

ANYWAY I haven't had the chance to catch up with geeru or michele lately, so I'll probably ask them out for lunch/ studying at The Garden Slug hmm but it's always so hard to ask school friends out because they're always busy with something-- cca, finishing up school work, other friends ETC *sigh* but I really want to ask someone out and talk to them and get to know how they're DOING and kythe a little bit.

If you've read madeline l'engle you'll probably know what I mean, and you'll also probably think it's so passe but really I believe in kything. You know the lull in conversation when you're with a good friend, and both of you aren't saying anything but you're just enjoying the moment and taking it all in? like the time I went to WWW with michele and geeru and we were not speaking, yet so... together at the same time. Just appreciating everything and taking it all in.

And then there was a time when I was with a friend and there was a slight pause in the conversation. I remember thinking: "This is the most comfortable I have ever been in a long time and I don't want it to end."

Saw these guys (New Fro Matter) on saturday night at Underground Seed. haha I know you're going to say: "ehh they're so chinese and poser and... yellow-boy" but just listen and turn up the volume a bit, give them a little time? (for the record the guy in the yellow shirt is filipino, not chinese. Okay this doesn't matter but I KNOW you're going to think about it at some point.)

Their lyrics aren't much but at least they enunciate properly and you know what they're talking about, and the music is good to drown yourself in. And their website has some pretty cool graphics: http://www.newfromatter.com/

haha between them and Patriot, I think I'm turning into a groupie/ fangirl xD but I haven't had much exposure to ~good local music, and yes I have pathetic taste. And ahh I haven't had much experience listening to live music, and I have to tell you, once you listen to live music, youtube videos are mehhh. As in, music is So Much Better live, and it's so different from listening to a recording, because of all the ~energy of the band, the crowd and the lights. It's like you're enveloped in the sounds and you're trusting the band with a few minutes of your time-- you're letting them give you a peek at how they see the world, and allowing yourself to be possessed by their music. There's no other way to put it. "drowning", as in, when the music envelops you and it's louder than all the voices in your head and you let it take over. You let it say the words for you, and you let the rhythms lull you into a kind of calm.

There's a certain sense of ownership with music. The artist creates it and shares it with you, and you let him take him on a journey into his ideas.

Speaking of Patriot, I saw them at UndergroundSeed.

AHA ok this is a video of the gig I saw them at, and I was... following them around pretty creepily when I saw them again on saturday xD They weren't playing a set, but they just attended underground seed to watch. *sigh* they aren't so good in this video but you have to believe me, they were TONS better live. ...and the vocalist is lousy at hitting high notes. Good thing Patriot is hard to google; please don't tell him that. And the chick (amelene) is cute. There. I said it. NOW you'll think I'm a stalker. I think I'll try to chat them up the next time, will pick up tips from Ling.

ok ok found it. THIS is the song that really got me. (POOKY watch it please ^-^)

eee now that I'm watching it he sounds more pitchy. I suppose I'm spoiling it for you.

ahhh the bass is really good on this one! Amelene plays bass. hint hint.

damn. "amelene" "patriot" and "underground seed" are really easy things to google. Ah well. *waves* OH HAI THAR you don't remember this transpired, you hear?

I made a blogpost just to show this song off. woop!

GP was today, screwed up the essay; AQ was okay. Slept before 2 the night before and I have to tell you; it helped! Felt a lot less stressed than when I went for papers with little or no sleep. Maybe I should do this for my other papers.

Anyway if you're looking for a ~life update, I've edited half a video, and the other half of the video will be done... when I have time. I've been studying most of the time these days/ reading... or I should be, at least xD But I've been finding less and less time to spend for writing (book reviews) or video making >( and it's only going to get more difficult in the coming months.

Okay I suppose this shouldn't be my biggest worry, and as other people tell me, studying should be my #1 priority. D: that statement itself makes me puke. Though if I don't get any As I will have to retake the year, which would SUCK. The other day I counted and realised that I was about 6 months and a week to finishing my A levels :D :D :D I just have to stick it for these six months and I will be freaking DONE with JC and I can do whatever I want.

Also in recent news, I realise that I've been doing a lot of social things lately xD it's so atypical! haha. But it makes me happy, so. idk I just want to find time to spend with my favorite people, and yet it's the small things that make your day? like when they look out for you, and say hi, and check up on you and watch your back -- these things make me so so grateful :) And I've been thinking about the people I hang out with, and I realise that I really like people whom I'm not afraid to be myself with. How do I say this? People with whom I can wear whatever I like, say whatever I want, squee as much as I want to, turn my crazy on. These people. These people are awesome.

And there are friends whom you rarely get to talk to but whenever you *do* get the chance to communicate, it's like nothing has changed between the two of you and the dynamic remains the same ^^

I suppose the above was the soundtrack for saturday night. I woke up the next morning after 4 hours of sleep (usual for me) thinking: "What did I do last night?" and thought of this song.

I will tell all! For posterity.

So Saturday afternoon me kiru and darran met for TEA at this fancy tea-place, and I had christmas, kiru had paradise kiss, and darran had darjeeling.

[the details are warranted because I'm afraid in the future if I get amnesia I'll forget everything and that's a scary thought. I am not a Writer, though, so it's okay to put in Details even if they don't mean anything. To the reader, at least.]

Then we walked. Walked to orchard plaza. Talked. And talked. And took the bus from orchard plaza to esplanade but missed a stop and walked through suntec, where there was a japanese tea place with "cute waitresses". Alas, the cute ones weren't there save for the lone girl at the front desk whom kiru suspected was put there for the express reason for attracting customers. It wasn't a maid cafe, though. It was just a cafe selling related merch and a "fashion line" where all the clothes seemed to be made out of the same kind of fabric, where the jewellery cases looked like salad bars.

Walked out of marina square and on the overhead bridge-thing so we ended up opposite the esplanade. The helix was right next to the esplanade, so we went on that, and mused at the surrounding construction projects. Darran took this time to promote the YOG and kiru talked about knowing someone who used to babysit for JKR. (ooh.) And said she only read the last three books only to know what happened to harry/ron/hermione. She was sad that 90% of DH was about H/R/ Hr being out of hogwarts, when the Harry Potter was meant to be a Boarding School series.

(digression: I only like Harry Potter so much because I grew up alongside Harry; its release spanned about 10 years of my short 17-year life. And also because mugglecast and the fandom kept me going through the tough preteen/ teen years. This needs its own blog entry.

If I were to start reading harry potter now, though, I would stop after Philosopher's Stone, and same goes for The Chronicles of Narnia. There are certain books you just have to read as a kid.)

On the helix, we noticed that on the floor was AT and CG and as a bio student I am ashamed to say that I did not get the letters at first; Kiru noticed it because she said she watched Gattaca in GP lessons with mrs Perry. And then I realised that AT and GC spelled "gattaca", and that was probably why the movie was titled so. #isslow On a random note, I first watched gattaca when I was 10 on television in a hotel room in hong kong.

Walked BACK ACROSS the bridge after walking its length for POPYE'S because Darran wanted fried chicken. Kiru got a soda and a biscuit, I got a drink because walking in the heat makes you mega-thirsty. Also wearing tights when it's hot is not a very intelligent idea because while it is kind of cute, you get unattractively hot, sweaty and red in the face. Mused about the fact that it was a bad time to mention that I was vegetarian, kiru said she was kind-of vegetarian too. Kiru and darran talked about schools and things. More talking ensues. This is a ridiculously boring blogpost.

After popye's, kiru thinks that it's a good idea to get on home, so we walk to the esplanade in search of the Esplanade station on the circle line, only to realise that we have no idea where it is, even with the help of kiru's trusty phone. I cannot, for the life of me, remember what happened in the next few minutes (see, I was right about the amnesia) but somehow we walked and ended up at the Arts House, where darran was due for his volunteering stint. He's early and decides to walk us to clarke quay and the raffles place mrt station, where he presumes kiru would want to take the train home. Turns out that it's easier for kiru to get home from clarke quay mrt, so I walk with kiru through clarke quay and we talk about pubs and gay bars, to Central. Kiru departs, while I have a subway dinner and sit for a while, mugging chem, because 1. I am hungry 2. my legs are tired.

I see the fallout from pinkdot and regret the fact that I didn't make it, but spending time with darran and kiru-- I hadn't seen kiru in 5 MONTHS-- was more important. Happy that there are more guys than girls in pink shirts, and more lame girls not-in-pink but carrying pink balloons and related memorabilia. I saunter back to the Arts House for underground seed, hoping to catch loki, but it turns out he went on sunday instead. At underground seed I see Patriot, who got me when they played Creep. I sang along like the stupid groupie that I am. They played stuff to... lose your head in, if you wish-- Time Is Running Out by Muse, and Seven Nation Army by White Stripes. I only recognised 3 songs out of their 6-song set. They take inspiration from Incubus and Rage Against the Machine.

What followed were 2 short films, a emo poetry reading which I found funny (but I don't think the writer intended it to be), and a theatre thing that was better than the poetry. I escape at about 8 or 9, I think, before the second half, to see the fire installation that darran was involved in. It was very pretty, and there were lots of people with DSLRs and posing girls. The music was nice too, and I heard their next stop was Brussels. At the fire installation I find darran, take a survey, and meet darran's friends who've come to see him. (so begins the crazy part)

They're called meredith and ling, and they are so ridiculously friendly and funny that I invite myself for icecream with them (yes I'm shameless). Darran decides to introduce me as girl-who's-on-the-internet and they become interested and resolve to look me up on youtube. I search in my bag for namecards (don't ask) turns out I have none, but I give them my handle nonetheless. So I introduce myself, they ask about WHAT I DO-- I think they half-expected me to be... older heh xD but anyway since I look like I'm 12, when they know I'm 17 it isn't news to them.

So we chat-- ling is hilarious and has humor just uncannily like xiaxue's, and meredith is an expert at deadpanning. These are the first people I've met in ages who aren't serious AT ALL and so I love them. I walk with them to this japanese ice cream stand for ling's recommendation of sakura ice cream. They've run out (sadface) and I get green tea ice cream instead. We sit at the singapore river, chatting somemore and eating our ice creams-- which are an excellent idea because it was sweltering after the fire exhibition. Some of it was funny girl talk, which I sorely miss, and we make jokes about me being a few months shy of 18-- which means they don't bring me for drinks xD and I tell stories about going to m18 movies. Ling asks about darran, whom she's only met the first time that night, and meredith dishes the dirt on him, because she's known him for years.

I realise afterwards they _could_ have dissed me or snubbed me off but they chose to string me along, which was nice. We talk about flea markets, and I think about how they would be fabulous people to go shopping with. Afterwards we head home, because they need to have early nights, and I walk home. It's creepy because every time I take the bus from the train station, it's always the SAME BUS at this time of the night. As in, there are at least 5 different buses I could take, but the first bus that stops is ALWAYS the same one. A sign?

Anyway this whole thing is a breakthrough for me, because... before I've always been super nervous when getting to meet people for the first time. As in, my friends irl always know me as "the quiet one" and really, when I'm anxious I don't speak much and withdraw, you know? In some ways it's kind of an accomplishment for me to be able to relax around someone new and not freeze up, and to be able to make small talk.

In order to understand this properly, you need to know that from when I was 3 to 14 I was quiet, and "reticent" still shows up on my report card. I would avoid people just so I didn't need to make awkward conversation where I didn't have anything to say. Sometimes I hated talking to people whom I didn't really know well, because it felt like I was being grilled. I was always worried about saying the wrong thing, or trying to find the appropriate thing to say, so much so that I didn't say anything at all.

I think I might talk about this more in another blogpost, and ask my friends more about how I was. To be honest, though, the incremental changes are occurring at a very S-L-O-W rate, that people don't notice. The changes are so small that sometimes it makes very little difference. But I think about how much better I am at expressing myself now, compared to the DSA interview I had when I was 12, and how I'm so much more comfortable around people I'm not familiar with. Even though these changes don't seem to mean much on the outside, it's perceptible to me, and it helps.

Latest music fascination:

Yeah, the usual, just press play and turn it on while you're reading the rest of this blogpost :)

Pffft the other day I had a ton of blog ideas... and they all disappear the minute I open this browser heh. *sheepish* okay off the top of my head they are:

1. My mum. My relationship with her and her relationship with her mum

2. Being gay and "flamboyancy"-- while I have no experience with this, but it's been talked about of late. And also in respect to pinkdot.

3. A response to: "Chicago was so crude! And there was no rotating platform :(" A real quote from a classmate who went to chicago and... expected fancy musical stuff. I have the feeling people go just because it's a) expensive b) talked-about c) makes you look classy

This can't be helped, I suppose.

4. I'm still trying to grasp the fact that normal adults have responsible sex and it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

5. There are so many things-- volunteering shmuck going on this year and I can't go for them :( this probably sums the post up, really- I'm just going to be whiny again, so that's not very interesting.

6. Yes, I've been liking girls of late. I like boys too. There isn't going to be any official statement on this because I don't know myself (the precise term is "questioning") So I'm just going to continue liking girls and boys and being shaky on the Kinsey scale, and that's that.

7. Socialising and networking: their benefits in Web 2.0 world and the fine line between networking and selling out.

8. Why NS scares the shit out of me, even though I don't have to do it.

That's about it, I think. I've been keeping a list of video ideas in my notebook, because I usually come up with some and go "eureka!" but I have no time to actually _film/edit_ things, so the list is for when I've no inspiration but lots of time. I should keep a blog idea list too! And pre-write a couple! #sneaky For Beda in august, when I probably won't have time or ideas.

hello.

We're off from school today, in lieu of the labour day public holiday.

My sister is mad at me for unplugging her ipod from the macbook.

She's watching E! entertainment reruns now.

Sometimes on days off school she turns on the TV, and it wakes me up... at 11am xD

But not today. I woke up at 7 today, a little later than usual.

Latest music craze:

decided to look them up after they toured with amanda palmer in europe, and I like them! They sound like a combination of the Ting Tings and The XX. Crappy comparisons due to the lack of exposure to dance/ alt music. But they're nice when you need to drown things out.

I was thinking about this last night:

The reason why was so adverse to shrinks (still am) is because I don't want them to know anything about me.

ME: I hate it when shrinks try to probe and find *something* to talk about.

DARRAN: Isn't it their JOB to do that?

And I suppose it is. But I hate it. I hate it when someone I completely don't know asks so many questions (which I usually try to avert with small talk) and sometimes jumps to conclusions, eg: "Let's see if her parents shout a lot, or shout at her a lot, or shout at her dog a lot." Or "Does she have a WORKING MOM, the biggest sin of the 21st century? She does? Jackpot!"

I didn't spend years building an iron fortress 3 feet thick complete with a freaking moat for nothing, you know. The walls are there for a reason, and I don't want just anybody to get in. Once someone penetrates the wall, it's over. You can't go back, because it's out and fixing it will be no use because after the first time, they'll always have the key. Sometimes mercenaries are necessary, or extra fortifications, depending on who I'm talking to. With shrinks, of course, defenses are out in full force.

I just find it very dangerous and scary to tell everything to someone I've just met. And of course sometimes, depending on the kind of shrink you get, he/ she will be able to say "Oh, we haven't gotten anywhere today" or "We'll see you next time, eh?"

However, recently I had to go for a compulsory 4 sessions with a counselor, and at the last session, (oddly) I kind of realised what counselors were for. She was less probing than the others, and didn't mind if I just talked small talk. But for the first 3 sessions I always felt uncomfortable talking to her and it just felt awful, and the whole time I keep thinking-- I have FRIENDS, why do I have to talk to YOU. But then at the last one, I think it helped because she helped me think of things in a different way, you know, an alternative perspective, and she wasn't too bothered about "getting somewhere". Or "making progress", in shrink terms.

And "shrink" as mentioned, multiple times here, refers to a counselor/ therapist/ psychiatrist, but I've only ever been to a counselor.

I need to move! As in, move domain. Not permanently, of course.

Okay in more concrete terms: I need to make a book blog.

So that all my immature ranting will only be confined to this blog, and the blook blog will be more ~controlled and have op eds and be less teary and emotional, you know?

Because ever since Chris Pash commented in JANUARY, I realised that he was privy to EVERYTHING ELSE on here, insane emotional pathetic rantings and all. So for me to be regarded as a credible book blogger, I think I need to move all my posts to somewhere professional. Okay. I in the Future I might be a good book blogger, if I work on it properly. AUGH darn but I need to *actually* have a book blog.

hahaha I've been telling everyone about the book blog but it doesn't even exist. Okay the posts exist, but not the blog itself. I just have to sort everything out on here, shift them to the book blog, learn coding (the biggest hurdle) to make everything pretty and presentable. But you know what will happen? Most likely I'll set up something with the blogger template and then it'll stay that way for a while until I get the coding done. Content first then design. *sigh* I'm also reluctant to make a nice layout when everyone just reads blogs on google reader and other feed aggregators nowadays. And you can't see the layout on google reader.

The funtion of this blog is mostly personal, and it's for me to keep in touch with the four people who read it. That's it. Not for the rest of the interwebs. If you don't happen to be those four people, I have a hunch that you aren't really interested, and won't be, anyway, after reading an entry or two.

This is extremely personal.

Oh damn it's not extremely personal. I just have no idea how to write it, if it makes any sense.

Should I indent like crazy? Just last year I intended this blog to be as public as possible, because of BEDA, but this is actually the first post I'm writing in April, I should think. The 26th of April. April is ending! I turn 18 in three months. According to darran it's 4. BUT WHATEVER I like to round up.

I don't want to turn 18, I want to be 17 forever. I like to feel that the world is at my feet and I have the ~power to conquer all, you know. I like being idealistic and not excessively jaded by the pressures of the outside world. In the past 3 years I've begun to discover that there's a whole new world out there, outside school, outside singapore, where people can do as they please, and not have to suffer the "negative repurcussions" of being "impulsive". There is a world out there where people actually ENJOY what they are studying, and it isn't medicine, engineering or law they are studying. They are people who have day jobs but on the side they're trying their absolute best to much out on their own-- Chris Pash wrote The Last Whale while on his day job. I suppose the point is that I've learnt that there are people out there doing what they like, and putting all their effort into their passions, but they're not regretting the decisions they made, and they're not thinking: "I should have listened to so-and-so, he told me to do study business and be a real estate agent". Even if they're strugglivg, they take this in their stride, and go: "If this is what I want to do, then-- nevermind the critics. I'm not going to sell my soul, or live somebody else's life. This like is mine, and I'll do what I damn well want to."

And this goes up another notch when you actually *meet* somebody with passion and energy , and they are extremely satisfied with what they are doing-- shuian, darran, loki, aseem from Give.sg-- it just makes you so optimistic and hopeful.

I just read hayleyghoover's recent blogpost and Steve Jobs' commencement address at Stamford in 2005 and I have to confess they made me teary-eyed. I think it's because they're saying: "Hang in there, this too shall pass. And when you're out of the tunnel, be sure to listen to yourself, and it will all be better."

I think I'm beginning to enter the most harrowing and trying seven months yet, and after the seven months, I want to be able to come out with my aspirations, my soul and my sanity intact, and not resort to killing something inside me to get through. Damn I'm not even sure I'll get through the other side completely whole, because I'm terrible at handling these things on my own. It's just... here's a heads up to anyone reading this that it will probably go downhill from here, and I'll probably be more angsty than frivolous. I know that if I don't do this properly, I'll have to stay in this shithole for another year, and staying here any longer is not something I can take. And if I do this right, I'll be able to go to Masstricht or Lesley or Macquarie and do anthropology or environmental studies, and actually enjoy learning, something that I only very rarely experience in school nowadays.

The reason why I think I'm better off now than the last time is that I know and have faith that there are people supporting me, or people whom I can rely on for anything. This might seem dramatic, but it's impossible for me to repay these people for how much they've helped in the past two years, and recently as well. I don't think they realise how much I rely on them and how much they mean to me, but I'm extremely thankful and grateful to have such encouraging people around me. It's almost as if this thought itself, and hope, is enough to keep me going and pull me through.

Just HAD to put this up. It's so !!! fun and LGBT and dresden dolls and artistic and pretty :) Link here: http://twitpic.com/1bsbrc

omg I realised why I liked the music video for "Je Suis Une Dolly" so much!

It reminds me of london! The time I went there.

Okay, so the dolly rockers are very obviously pop and not indie at all-- they're signed to Parlophone-- but I still like them. (weakness) The song makes me think of having fun and being out there and not being afraid to muck around. It says: "I'm not afraid to be female, I'm not afraid to dress however I like, I'm not afraid of displaying my art, I'm not afraid to be ME."

Hmm. The way feminism works is that... some hardcore feminists would slam the dolly rockers for "submitting to a man's perception of beauty" by wearing heels and short skirts. On the other end of the feminist spectrum, some might argue that the clothes actually emphasise one's feminity in a society where other females struggle to suppress it. It's a strange contrast, in the video, that all the females in the background are dressed quite conservatively-- long pants, muted colours-- especially regarding the scene at hotel reception where the girl getting mad at them is wearing a long-sleeved work shirt, which is fairly masculine.

I don't think this contrast is deliberate, but if you viewed it as a form of art, it would be saying something about how women are inhibited and hesitant to express their opinions, as compared to men. The comparison to men arises out of the fact that the dolly rockers are female, and this difference automatically sets them apart from the people they're interacting with in the video. It's also interesting to note that the security guards and people trying to block out the camera or get them to stop are almost entirely male, which lends weight to the argument that men are trying to stop women from expressing their true selves.

Conclusion? I don't think the feminist things I pointed out in this video were deliberate on the part of the filmmakers, but it was fun to speculate. And I like it anyway :)

So hai :D music for today will be... Shabazz Palaces!

Ok technically it's in the hip-hop genre, and for most people reading this, hip hop= bad, but give this a try? It's indie hip hop, if you can call it that. They're on the lineup for the Sasquatch Music Festival, the one Tegan and Sara are going to be at. (Plus She and Him, They Might Be Giants, The Mountain Goats, Ok Go, The xx, Band of Horses, i.e. GOOD STUFF.)

Hee. The last post sounded like I was obsessed with Tegan and Sara. Well I am! Mildly.

ach and the reason why I go to borders so much is because I have a giftcard for it. Otherwise I just go to bookmooch/ the library/ geeru for fresh books xD

I've been into music lately. Or rather, anything that can drown out the voices in my head. I don't think I have have Schizophrenia, though. The voices aren't telling me to fight wars and be a matyr. (does anyone get that?) It just keeps all the worry voices quiet and then I can focus on math or chem or bio or whatever it is that I need to focus on. Sometimes the bbc world service works too.

Quite recently I've been having the urge to write. As in, write and write and cover all the walls with my words until I bleed dry. [Alliteration!] I mean, twitter is useful if you feel like you have something to scream to the world, but you only have 140 characters in which to make your point, you know? xD Twitter is a good outlet for the overly obnoxious personality. And also I have to study for common tests, but it seems the more I study (and realise how much I do not know) the less the chance I have of passing.

I want to write and write and tell everybody what I think about THIS and this and this and how everything is epic. This is severely arrogant. But of course, when I get the urge to write, I should milk it for what it's worth. ("To indoctrinate everybody who reads your blog", you might think. "An exercise in egotism." you might think.)

No, actually I have to roll out more material so the new book blog will have something on it. And also so it looks like a ~portfolio for publishers to see and go: "Oh! This kid is Literate! She can form actual Sentences!" and so on. Hopefully.

Before it can be properly unveiled I have to learn coding first, so there can be a link to my Bio and a link to Authors I Liek and maybe a link to a place where I can embed my videos. Things like that. For that to happen my common tests have to be over first, I think. And I need a name! Does anybody have any ideas for NAMES? On the blog will be... book reviews primarily, and sometimes editorials (basically blogs that look professional and say: I think THIS about healthcare/ youtube community/ alternative energy sources/ singapore etc)

I won't be moving over permanently, though. This blog will stay up mainly for personal things, and to keep in touch with you guys <>

okay tchus see you on the other side! :)