hihello I'm posting now so that I woun't come online tonight; can't fail math tomorrow. oh jeez I think I've unplugged myself too much. As in you know disassociated and taken away. because i've been losing things. And I never ever lose things. Things like my waterbottle and pencils and chemnotes when may seem insignificant, but it's difficult for me to lose things. When I travel, even if I've lost something, I KNOW I've lost it, but this time I just don't know immediately that I've left it somewhere; I only know if I've lost it when I'm looking for the item. And I've kept the water bottle for 4 years already and not lost it. Right that sounds gross. And that time I left my jacket in the melbourne holiday inn -.- I didn't even notice till 24 hours after we left. And it's not like a tiny item, say a pencil. Do you know how big a jacket is??? Urgh I need to plug myself back in, though I don't think I can anymore. I spend... 75% of the time unplugged just so I won't act like a big emotional wuss. It's like a coping mechanism I can't do without. I used to sm, (safely, of course) and it helped for a while but sometimes it just makes it worse):

okay on JC. I don't want to go to RJ. really. This sounds really ungrateful and all, since some people would die to get there. But I don't,. It's like in Never Let Me Go, and when the people "graduate" they go to the cottages and it's where everyone goes and it's practically a given that you go there; it would be just weird if you didn't. Okay, in the year above me, not everyone went to RJ; some went to NJ or HC, but I might not want to go there either. :/ Though I don't think I can get in. Because you have to get >2.8 to get into RJ, I have a really bad feeling I won't even be able to meet that. [sidenote: the lead singer of The Parselmouths hasn't gotten below a 3.5gpa before o: and this made me think, more later.] I mean when you have a reputation of being this psychopathic addict in the staffroom, how much of a testimonial can you get? Although, granted, my results aren't dependent on how I come accross, and I should buck up on math and physics and LIT OF ALL THINGS oh you know, on just about every subject.

Back to The Parselmouths. So I saw her vid yesterday, and I thought: What the freaking hell am I doing with my life?! Bumming around, not bothering, disconnecting, and look at her! she writes fiction, gets a good gpa, did nanowrimo TWICE, is in a touring band... and she's still about 20 or so. And I felt really stupid. I mean I don't think I can even get a job with this attitude, never mind getting a job that I enjoy. What am I? This fat leech that eats and sleeps all day. It would be a miracle if I could get through to uni even: just look at my report book! Although everyone expects you to go to uni, and get not just a degree, but at least a masters. I mean in my school it's taken for granted that you'll go to uni, then be a good public servant or ceo or politician or specialist and be really outstanding... right someone's asking me to study so that's it for now I guess