I hate JC.

The whole idea disgusts me.

Last thursday I was walking into school, thinking that it wasn't so bad, wondering why I hated going to school. And then I remembered. Just being in the destructive environment is enough to make one pessimistic. Some people may say that if I have a cynical outlook, things will generally turn out to be... dismal. I tried to be optimistic-- I don't complain about JC to anyone I speak to in real life, and I tried to make the best of it while I was in it. I just refrain from thinking about why I hate it so much and tried to work with it while I could.

But now that it's finally over, I think I can be free to say why I hate it so much.

There were good things:

1. Lit lessons

2. RRP

3. Bio Soc until august 2009

4. linghui dorcas jiaohua jialei elizabeth meiying

5. being able to get a good review from at least 1 teacher

6. the externally-hired guidance counselor

But that's about it. Here's the things that I couldn't stand:

1. the fact that people mostly like to talk about grades and how to do better and how to outcompete someone

2. If they're not talking about the above, they're talking about who's dating whom.

3. Or mimicking viral videos from the internet

4. People in my class who don't bother to be well-informed and choose to be ignorant about issues that affect us

5. The abysmal level of intellectual discourse

6. The fact that everybody's in here to get more things on their shiny CV and nothing else-- this fact can't be helped.

7. People who have a radar for any form of non-conformity, and it gets picked up on and talked about because... there is nothing else to talk about

8. The counselor who fucking took out a bunch of crayons and drawing block, and lego people, and asked me to "play with them", and afterwards said that we didn't make any "progress". She also smelt like a used sanitary pad, but I will not hold that against her.

9. crappy GP teachers

10. crappy attitude of just studying to pass the exam

And then today at dinner I realised (not for the first time) that the path I am choosing for myself is marginally unorthodox, and I felt like I was walking on my own. I don't know. Sometimes I really abhor being with my family, because they make such a big fuss about everything. And I feel this urgent need to break away and find somewhere where I can be useful, you know? The level of "breaking away" is debatable. But I have the feeling that I am the one entirely responsible for my future, and I'm walking this road on my own. It's scary but empowering at the same time.

Scary because for the first time in my life, I honestly don't know what I'll be doing for the next 2 years. I might pass my As, I might not; I might be able to go away, I might not; I might be studying anthro or even biology-- I might even find myself in Darwin counting turtle eggs... I honestly don't know. I don't even know whether I'll go into arts management after uni because of my BA, or end up working in NParks. Hell, I don't even know whether I'll be working in singapore.

But I have lots of faith in whatever I choose? I trust myself to choose something that I will be content with. Or if the choice is made for me I just have to live with things. For now, I just like having control, while I have it. This is probably blind faith in Fate. sigh.

I don't think I would have had the courage to break away or to talk to different people if not for JC, in this oddly convoluted way. If I hadn't hated JC so much I wouldn't have continued talking to darran and kiru for example, gotten myself so involved with the valkyrieknights, or immersed myself in the internet community. So I suppose there's a bright side to all this.