I made a blogpost just to show this song off. woop!

GP was today, screwed up the essay; AQ was okay. Slept before 2 the night before and I have to tell you; it helped! Felt a lot less stressed than when I went for papers with little or no sleep. Maybe I should do this for my other papers.

Anyway if you're looking for a ~life update, I've edited half a video, and the other half of the video will be done... when I have time. I've been studying most of the time these days/ reading... or I should be, at least xD But I've been finding less and less time to spend for writing (book reviews) or video making >( and it's only going to get more difficult in the coming months.

Okay I suppose this shouldn't be my biggest worry, and as other people tell me, studying should be my #1 priority. D: that statement itself makes me puke. Though if I don't get any As I will have to retake the year, which would SUCK. The other day I counted and realised that I was about 6 months and a week to finishing my A levels :D :D :D I just have to stick it for these six months and I will be freaking DONE with JC and I can do whatever I want.

Also in recent news, I realise that I've been doing a lot of social things lately xD it's so atypical! haha. But it makes me happy, so. idk I just want to find time to spend with my favorite people, and yet it's the small things that make your day? like when they look out for you, and say hi, and check up on you and watch your back -- these things make me so so grateful :) And I've been thinking about the people I hang out with, and I realise that I really like people whom I'm not afraid to be myself with. How do I say this? People with whom I can wear whatever I like, say whatever I want, squee as much as I want to, turn my crazy on. These people. These people are awesome.

And there are friends whom you rarely get to talk to but whenever you *do* get the chance to communicate, it's like nothing has changed between the two of you and the dynamic remains the same ^^

I suppose the above was the soundtrack for saturday night. I woke up the next morning after 4 hours of sleep (usual for me) thinking: "What did I do last night?" and thought of this song.

I will tell all! For posterity.

So Saturday afternoon me kiru and darran met for TEA at this fancy tea-place, and I had christmas, kiru had paradise kiss, and darran had darjeeling.

[the details are warranted because I'm afraid in the future if I get amnesia I'll forget everything and that's a scary thought. I am not a Writer, though, so it's okay to put in Details even if they don't mean anything. To the reader, at least.]

Then we walked. Walked to orchard plaza. Talked. And talked. And took the bus from orchard plaza to esplanade but missed a stop and walked through suntec, where there was a japanese tea place with "cute waitresses". Alas, the cute ones weren't there save for the lone girl at the front desk whom kiru suspected was put there for the express reason for attracting customers. It wasn't a maid cafe, though. It was just a cafe selling related merch and a "fashion line" where all the clothes seemed to be made out of the same kind of fabric, where the jewellery cases looked like salad bars.

Walked out of marina square and on the overhead bridge-thing so we ended up opposite the esplanade. The helix was right next to the esplanade, so we went on that, and mused at the surrounding construction projects. Darran took this time to promote the YOG and kiru talked about knowing someone who used to babysit for JKR. (ooh.) And said she only read the last three books only to know what happened to harry/ron/hermione. She was sad that 90% of DH was about H/R/ Hr being out of hogwarts, when the Harry Potter was meant to be a Boarding School series.

(digression: I only like Harry Potter so much because I grew up alongside Harry; its release spanned about 10 years of my short 17-year life. And also because mugglecast and the fandom kept me going through the tough preteen/ teen years. This needs its own blog entry.

If I were to start reading harry potter now, though, I would stop after Philosopher's Stone, and same goes for The Chronicles of Narnia. There are certain books you just have to read as a kid.)

On the helix, we noticed that on the floor was AT and CG and as a bio student I am ashamed to say that I did not get the letters at first; Kiru noticed it because she said she watched Gattaca in GP lessons with mrs Perry. And then I realised that AT and GC spelled "gattaca", and that was probably why the movie was titled so. #isslow On a random note, I first watched gattaca when I was 10 on television in a hotel room in hong kong.

Walked BACK ACROSS the bridge after walking its length for POPYE'S because Darran wanted fried chicken. Kiru got a soda and a biscuit, I got a drink because walking in the heat makes you mega-thirsty. Also wearing tights when it's hot is not a very intelligent idea because while it is kind of cute, you get unattractively hot, sweaty and red in the face. Mused about the fact that it was a bad time to mention that I was vegetarian, kiru said she was kind-of vegetarian too. Kiru and darran talked about schools and things. More talking ensues. This is a ridiculously boring blogpost.

After popye's, kiru thinks that it's a good idea to get on home, so we walk to the esplanade in search of the Esplanade station on the circle line, only to realise that we have no idea where it is, even with the help of kiru's trusty phone. I cannot, for the life of me, remember what happened in the next few minutes (see, I was right about the amnesia) but somehow we walked and ended up at the Arts House, where darran was due for his volunteering stint. He's early and decides to walk us to clarke quay and the raffles place mrt station, where he presumes kiru would want to take the train home. Turns out that it's easier for kiru to get home from clarke quay mrt, so I walk with kiru through clarke quay and we talk about pubs and gay bars, to Central. Kiru departs, while I have a subway dinner and sit for a while, mugging chem, because 1. I am hungry 2. my legs are tired.

I see the fallout from pinkdot and regret the fact that I didn't make it, but spending time with darran and kiru-- I hadn't seen kiru in 5 MONTHS-- was more important. Happy that there are more guys than girls in pink shirts, and more lame girls not-in-pink but carrying pink balloons and related memorabilia. I saunter back to the Arts House for underground seed, hoping to catch loki, but it turns out he went on sunday instead. At underground seed I see Patriot, who got me when they played Creep. I sang along like the stupid groupie that I am. They played stuff to... lose your head in, if you wish-- Time Is Running Out by Muse, and Seven Nation Army by White Stripes. I only recognised 3 songs out of their 6-song set. They take inspiration from Incubus and Rage Against the Machine.

What followed were 2 short films, a emo poetry reading which I found funny (but I don't think the writer intended it to be), and a theatre thing that was better than the poetry. I escape at about 8 or 9, I think, before the second half, to see the fire installation that darran was involved in. It was very pretty, and there were lots of people with DSLRs and posing girls. The music was nice too, and I heard their next stop was Brussels. At the fire installation I find darran, take a survey, and meet darran's friends who've come to see him. (so begins the crazy part)

They're called meredith and ling, and they are so ridiculously friendly and funny that I invite myself for icecream with them (yes I'm shameless). Darran decides to introduce me as girl-who's-on-the-internet and they become interested and resolve to look me up on youtube. I search in my bag for namecards (don't ask) turns out I have none, but I give them my handle nonetheless. So I introduce myself, they ask about WHAT I DO-- I think they half-expected me to be... older heh xD but anyway since I look like I'm 12, when they know I'm 17 it isn't news to them.

So we chat-- ling is hilarious and has humor just uncannily like xiaxue's, and meredith is an expert at deadpanning. These are the first people I've met in ages who aren't serious AT ALL and so I love them. I walk with them to this japanese ice cream stand for ling's recommendation of sakura ice cream. They've run out (sadface) and I get green tea ice cream instead. We sit at the singapore river, chatting somemore and eating our ice creams-- which are an excellent idea because it was sweltering after the fire exhibition. Some of it was funny girl talk, which I sorely miss, and we make jokes about me being a few months shy of 18-- which means they don't bring me for drinks xD and I tell stories about going to m18 movies. Ling asks about darran, whom she's only met the first time that night, and meredith dishes the dirt on him, because she's known him for years.

I realise afterwards they _could_ have dissed me or snubbed me off but they chose to string me along, which was nice. We talk about flea markets, and I think about how they would be fabulous people to go shopping with. Afterwards we head home, because they need to have early nights, and I walk home. It's creepy because every time I take the bus from the train station, it's always the SAME BUS at this time of the night. As in, there are at least 5 different buses I could take, but the first bus that stops is ALWAYS the same one. A sign?

Anyway this whole thing is a breakthrough for me, because... before I've always been super nervous when getting to meet people for the first time. As in, my friends irl always know me as "the quiet one" and really, when I'm anxious I don't speak much and withdraw, you know? In some ways it's kind of an accomplishment for me to be able to relax around someone new and not freeze up, and to be able to make small talk.

In order to understand this properly, you need to know that from when I was 3 to 14 I was quiet, and "reticent" still shows up on my report card. I would avoid people just so I didn't need to make awkward conversation where I didn't have anything to say. Sometimes I hated talking to people whom I didn't really know well, because it felt like I was being grilled. I was always worried about saying the wrong thing, or trying to find the appropriate thing to say, so much so that I didn't say anything at all.

I think I might talk about this more in another blogpost, and ask my friends more about how I was. To be honest, though, the incremental changes are occurring at a very S-L-O-W rate, that people don't notice. The changes are so small that sometimes it makes very little difference. But I think about how much better I am at expressing myself now, compared to the DSA interview I had when I was 12, and how I'm so much more comfortable around people I'm not familiar with. Even though these changes don't seem to mean much on the outside, it's perceptible to me, and it helps.

Latest music fascination:

Yeah, the usual, just press play and turn it on while you're reading the rest of this blogpost :)

Pffft the other day I had a ton of blog ideas... and they all disappear the minute I open this browser heh. *sheepish* okay off the top of my head they are:

1. My mum. My relationship with her and her relationship with her mum

2. Being gay and "flamboyancy"-- while I have no experience with this, but it's been talked about of late. And also in respect to pinkdot.

3. A response to: "Chicago was so crude! And there was no rotating platform :(" A real quote from a classmate who went to chicago and... expected fancy musical stuff. I have the feeling people go just because it's a) expensive b) talked-about c) makes you look classy

This can't be helped, I suppose.

4. I'm still trying to grasp the fact that normal adults have responsible sex and it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

5. There are so many things-- volunteering shmuck going on this year and I can't go for them :( this probably sums the post up, really- I'm just going to be whiny again, so that's not very interesting.

6. Yes, I've been liking girls of late. I like boys too. There isn't going to be any official statement on this because I don't know myself (the precise term is "questioning") So I'm just going to continue liking girls and boys and being shaky on the Kinsey scale, and that's that.

7. Socialising and networking: their benefits in Web 2.0 world and the fine line between networking and selling out.

8. Why NS scares the shit out of me, even though I don't have to do it.

That's about it, I think. I've been keeping a list of video ideas in my notebook, because I usually come up with some and go "eureka!" but I have no time to actually _film/edit_ things, so the list is for when I've no inspiration but lots of time. I should keep a blog idea list too! And pre-write a couple! #sneaky For Beda in august, when I probably won't have time or ideas.

hello.

We're off from school today, in lieu of the labour day public holiday.

My sister is mad at me for unplugging her ipod from the macbook.

She's watching E! entertainment reruns now.

Sometimes on days off school she turns on the TV, and it wakes me up... at 11am xD

But not today. I woke up at 7 today, a little later than usual.

Latest music craze:

decided to look them up after they toured with amanda palmer in europe, and I like them! They sound like a combination of the Ting Tings and The XX. Crappy comparisons due to the lack of exposure to dance/ alt music. But they're nice when you need to drown things out.

I was thinking about this last night:

The reason why was so adverse to shrinks (still am) is because I don't want them to know anything about me.

ME: I hate it when shrinks try to probe and find *something* to talk about.

DARRAN: Isn't it their JOB to do that?

And I suppose it is. But I hate it. I hate it when someone I completely don't know asks so many questions (which I usually try to avert with small talk) and sometimes jumps to conclusions, eg: "Let's see if her parents shout a lot, or shout at her a lot, or shout at her dog a lot." Or "Does she have a WORKING MOM, the biggest sin of the 21st century? She does? Jackpot!"

I didn't spend years building an iron fortress 3 feet thick complete with a freaking moat for nothing, you know. The walls are there for a reason, and I don't want just anybody to get in. Once someone penetrates the wall, it's over. You can't go back, because it's out and fixing it will be no use because after the first time, they'll always have the key. Sometimes mercenaries are necessary, or extra fortifications, depending on who I'm talking to. With shrinks, of course, defenses are out in full force.

I just find it very dangerous and scary to tell everything to someone I've just met. And of course sometimes, depending on the kind of shrink you get, he/ she will be able to say "Oh, we haven't gotten anywhere today" or "We'll see you next time, eh?"

However, recently I had to go for a compulsory 4 sessions with a counselor, and at the last session, (oddly) I kind of realised what counselors were for. She was less probing than the others, and didn't mind if I just talked small talk. But for the first 3 sessions I always felt uncomfortable talking to her and it just felt awful, and the whole time I keep thinking-- I have FRIENDS, why do I have to talk to YOU. But then at the last one, I think it helped because she helped me think of things in a different way, you know, an alternative perspective, and she wasn't too bothered about "getting somewhere". Or "making progress", in shrink terms.

And "shrink" as mentioned, multiple times here, refers to a counselor/ therapist/ psychiatrist, but I've only ever been to a counselor.