I don't know what to think. I'm thinking so many things but I'm too lazy to wallow in it.
This will probably be a bunch of succinct, disjointed thoughts.
I really should make a public blog, so that people online can keep in touch with me better, rather than through short bursts of tweets.
This blog/ personal posts are mainly read by pooky, michele and geeru anyway; so I could write emails to them instead. Anyone else reading this who would also like to be updated personally please tell me, and I'll email you.
When I got home this afternoon, I was just following up on @maureenjohnson's earlier tweet about esther being critically ill. @arkapain also said some stuff about it, and he was worried to wake up to find out that esther died. Checked esther's caringbridge to find out that she had been admitted into the ICU, and wrote on her guestbook. I was optimistic, and thought that this crisis would one that we could tide over.
Later on in the evening, 5 hours later, I checked twitter to read that someone had RTed john green's tweet about esther's passing. I couldn't believe it at first, but then it shocked me that this could happen.
I keep thinking about how much life she had in front of her; people to love and be loved by, school to graduate from, death eaters to defeat.
Selfishly I want the world to stop, and everyone on my twitter feed to just stop tweeting about their stupid insignificant lives and feel sad about her death.
Of course not everyone I follow knows who esther was (it's so strange typing "was") and just. It's ridiculously counter productive but I don't know I just want people to stop being happy; but the world goes on.
Now I'm thinking about mortality and death and how your existence: no matter how famous you were, you will still only remain a tiny blip on the space-time continuum.
I can't talk about this to my friends irl; they won't understand. I mean I can tell them about esther but they just don't feel the extent of loss. I'm just bathing in the condolences and tribute videos and tumblr posts. Kind of glad that there are people out there who feel the same way.
I don't know. It's presumptuous to say that my sadness is too large for others to understand, but there were so many people like john green, arka, andrew slack, lauren, matt, etc who have met her in person, and for them the loss is far greater. I can't even begin to imagine the kind of grief her family and close friends might feel.
the reason why I'm so sad for her is because I know that she had her own circle of nerdfighter friends like I do, and she likes harry potter, and there are people like me who like her. I'm terribly sorry for her friends. She was wise beyond her years, and had so much promise, you know? I've read her blogs, watched her videos: she was an intelligent, articulate person, and when you see her, you just know, she would grow and do great things.
oh dear. I don't know how she thought about her future. In high school, you're supposed to plan your career and have your goals, and consider what you're going to major in in university-- how do you do all this when you know you might not live to do so? How do you live knowing that you're going to die? How do you keep going and not try to off yourself, knowing that treatment is a burden on your family? How do you keep going, with such a lousy quality of life? How do you live, knowing in small ways your sickness is hurting the people who care for you? What motivation do you have to live when you know that you're not going to grow up and have a job and achieve things?
She must have been enormously brave and strong. You rarely-- towards the end; you almost couldn't tell she was sick-- she was so enthusiastic and talkative. I mean. It's so easy for her to wallow in self-pity and feel sorry for herself and not talk to anybody, especially when you're an adolescent. But she stayed positive and happy and made the effort to love people and talk about life.
arka: "I don’t know I figured I would just tell you how awesome she is since she’s probably not going to be… around much longer."
Sometimes on youtube and twitter, the environment is mostly fun and not serious, but sometimes, when things happen (like this, and like the time tom had an accident and went into a coma) that you kind of think your posts about song lyrics or how your day was pales so much in comparison to someone's death. I can't help but feel it's disrespectful to talk about anything else other than this, and I kind of not want other people to talk about anything else. I don't know what is significant enough to tweet? I don't want to fill the twitterverse with a bunch of useless jokes that take up too much internet real estate.
At the same time, at some point things have to go back to normal, I guess.
Also I think esther wouldn't have wanted the whole world to stop if she died.
I'm just shocked that this happened, to such a young member of our community. As in, she was a part of the community I am grateful for all that it has done, and I know how this network of friends is so incredibly helpful for someone who feels alone. Even though I haven't met her, esther feels like a friend. She's a part of the community that has helped me so much. She knows what it's like to help and be helped, and I think that's why the loss is so sore. She understood and upheld the values nerdfighters hold true to our hearts: bravery, loyalty, kindness, humility, and in this way we have tragically lost one of us.