I don't have ME or CFS but I still am unable to turn up to a job every day. Going to be forever dependent on my parents and grandparents.

coursera progress

I'm falling off the wagon for my coursera courses that are going on right now; the climate change one (that is very geog and less social science) and I haven't even looked at the calculus one. So the question I've been thinking of all day is what to do; my anthropology reading or work for my climate change class? I'm only worrying about it because there's a quiz due and I kind of want to do it because it will make me feel better; that I'm achieving something other than counting money, washing dishes, or making sandwiches all day. 

But it's due 7pm tomorrow which means I need to do it now, because I have work from 12pm-11pm tomorrow. I can't do it tomorrow morning because I will literally wake up just before work and be very mad at myself because I didn't do any studying. And I haven't done any studying since I started at this new job. 

--------

ok I've showered, and spent ages in the toilet cutting my fringe. It is very short now. I like it. I might cut it shorter.
I'm not going to bother about the quiz. it's not happening.

stressed

mum sent me a text saying "What have U been doing"
and I'm panicking because I don't know what to say and I don't know how to answer something that is acceptable to her and I don't like it when my mum asks me this question because when I answer her and answer with a truth she won't be happy.

I DON'T WANT TO COME OUT STOP TRYING TO TELL ME TO COME OUT FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU DON'T KNOW THE RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH MY PARENTS I STILL WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE AND HAVE A BED TO SLEEP IN THANK YOU VERY MUCH

Things my parents pay for:
my food
my room in london
therapy which is $150 an hour
college tuition, about £11 000
when I go out with friends; basically pocket money
new clothes
transport
driving lessons
fixing my laptop; $800

Therefore it is in my interests to keep my parents happy and not give them reasons to cut me off.

past volunteering

I've been blogging on this platform since I was 11. (that sounds more impressive than saying 10 years. I don't know. whichever.) fuck. has it been 10 years? jeez. I started hpzlotrz when I was in p5. That's 2003.

I just. Okay so I watch this


and jack conte describes how he worked 19 hour days, for weeks to make this video. And in the comments he says that it isn't work, because he likes it so much.

I don't know what I like. I don't know at all. There's nothing that I like.
When I just finished JC I knew what I liked. I liked volunteering at arts events. Admittedly I got a bit bored at M1 Fringe. But I still liked volunteering. And I started again in april 2012, on BABEL, and I liked that. I resented the long hours, but I still liked it. Then Bum Bum Train in august, for a few months. That was the longest time I'd ever been involved in a project. I enjoyed that. But towards the end I knew I wanted some compensation and I didn't really feel like turning up. Then SWF 2012 just because I wanted something to occupy my time. That's when I really felt it. That's when I realised I didn't want to do it anymore, for no pay. I wasn't the same person I was in 2009, I'd experienced things, things changed, I didn't like it. I even did Literally 9 in March 2013. That was the last straw. I thought I would like it, but I didn't. It didn't help that we were scheduled to be outside venues and we couldn't really watch things.

Things that I don't like about volunteering:

1. not being able to see the performance. You don't understand what you're volunteering _for_.

2. not being paid. I don't know; a part-time commitment is fine, but not for bum bum train or BABEL hours. it's dumb. every day for 8-10 hours. I liked that I got $110 worth of kino vouchers from SWF though, that was nice. And food.

3. Doing things that I have done before. It's not satisfying, or stretching, to be doing things you've done before. Or doing the same thing over and over again. I think after a while it's helpful to switch people around in volunteer/ entry level positions every now and again. Helps with boredom, and makes you feel like you're learning something or acquiring new skills.

small things

Today at work I figured out how to use ARRAYFORMULA function with google help and ms excel. I'm quite proud of myself. Boss asked me to try and try again, and was specific about his requirements, and I wouldn't have tried as hard and would have just done it manually if it was a personal project.

So.
Lesson learnt #1: How to use excel better.

Lesson learnt #2: I can do something easier and more efficiently if I keep trying different ways. I don't have to rely on using the old way when it's more time consuming to do so. I don't have to settle with an inconvenience when I can change the situation. It might be hard to learn how to use the different way, or to find an easier way, but it will be worth it afterwards when repeating the same action.

(continuing on monday 25 Feb)

I'm also proud of the fact that I turned up early at 9.30am and got up at 7.45 to shower. Pretty stoked. It''s the little things, but a few weeks ago I kept on beating myself up about it and felt crappy as a consequence. I acknowledge that I have the ability to wake up early and I have written down instances where I wake up early. But sometimes there are lapses and I have to allow myself to lapse or recognize that I will lapse if I'm not committed enough to make it on time. I will also lapse if my body clock is messed up, so I have to put in effort to regulate my body clock.

I have to realize that beating myself up about being late is not going to change anything. I can't berate myself until I'm early; I can't turn back time. If I'm late or  I missed a meeting, I can't do anything to change it. It's done. I can only change the next time I'm supposed to be there, or I can turn up anyway.

doctor stuff

Talked to my doctor today. Or rather my therapist.

it's so funny that I signed a confidentiality agreement and then I broadcast everything on the internet. WELL.

anyway. We talked about my sleep schedule. It needs some work.

we talked about my mum. It's not the first time she's told me that me and my mum's motivations are different. Oh man I've probably talked about this to other therapists too, this problem. Or to her. Anyway it's an issue I've discussed before. She tells me the same thing, that I have motivations/goals too; they're just different from my mum's. well.

(I need to write about this when it's not 5am in the morning, otherwise I'll work myself up into negativity)

how long bleaching my hair takes

10 min- separating hair, mixing bleach, cutting foils
15 min- putting the bleach on
30 min- waiting
15 min- washing the bleach out
15 min- drying hair
15 min- putting a 2nd coat of bleach
30 min- waiting
10 min- washing it out + conditioner

Total: 2h 20min.

twitter overspill

I'm sorry. the nature of social media is that I feel compelled to tweet every single thought that goes into my head. Therefore I'm diverting the excess to here.

urgh I don't know what to do with myself right now that will please all the people asking AND myself. 

I can't help every cause in the world I only have mindspace for a few sorry if I'm not socially conscious enough for you

I hate how I've been conditioned to slutshame.

google ads keeps giving me ads for short-term lets in london now. hahahaha. hahahhah. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

why I don't like the gym.

My dad keeps asking me to go to the gym, telling me that "I will feel better".
I mean I understand that exercise releases endorphins but I don't like the gym because

1. It smells.
2. I'm constantly comparing myself to the person next to me.
3. there are mirrors and if I look at myself while exercising I feel fat/ugly compared to other girls.
4. I don't understand the point of exercising just to be fit. You can be fit by doing something more interesting and useful, like dancing or playing basketball or rock climbing or being a production runner or doing the cleaning.
5. I don't want to exercise and think about losing weight. I don't want to think about my weight at all or have a "goal" because then I will get stressed about eating. If I get stressed enough I can make myself not eat.
6. I can't really have a goal to lose 100 pounds because I WEIGH 100 pounds.
7. The last time I lost weight because of a lack of appetite I was worried because I could feel my pants becoming loose, and it was only 2-3kg that I lost.
8. The ankle which I sprained in october feels like it's acting up, and I don't want to make it worse.

that's a calming song.

My therapist told me to journal. So I'm doing that. I've been doing lots of tumblr posts lately talking about myself. Talking about yourself seems dumb on tumblr when 90% of it are reblogs so I won't do that today.

Why are you frustrated?
I don't like being in this poky hot room. But it's not hot anymore. I just feel prickly because I had a yuanyang at 10pm.