pooky, I think you'll like the video :)

mm yes.

I've been thinking, the thing about hanging out with older people is that sometimes they think they are responsible for me? As if I were their younger sister or something, they are hence responsible for my safety, academic progress, etc. As much as I hate being treated as a child, I think the reason why they treat me like this is that I'm irresponsible myself.

Beyond how young I look-- tbh my friends don't look too old themselves ;D -- it's largely how immature I am. Mostly I dive into things headfirst without thinking of the consequences, and this is a sign of immaturity. Secondly of course is that quite recently I've been immersing myself in all that is not school-related: making videos, blogs, twitter, etc and they think this is affecting my academic work. I think it is, to be frank.

I don't like it. I don't like being talked down to and being perceived as incapable. It's like drawing a white line between my relations with older friend and I. They know this, of course, and very tactfully try to do this as little as possible. They also regard me as an equal most of the time, which is a fact that I appreciate tremendously, because I know they could just brush me off and they don't *really* have to talk to me. But whenever they bring up the subject of age and advising me, I just feel out of place and embarrassed.

Most of this is my doing, of course. It's not just my older friends who tell me off, it's friends my age too. Proving the fact that I really need to be told off, and it's not just my older friends thinking that telling me off is a result of their position. I feel I should be responsible, and that I should disconnect-- both mentally and physically-- from the internet and focus on passing my tests. But it's so hard when sometimes I feel that connecting with someone else who understands me through the internet is part of how I feel human. Being cut off and isolated in an environment where nobody understands anything is frustrating.

I mean. Last term I skipped a few classes, thinking nobody would notice. Sometimes they didn't. Sometimes they did. Ultimately I know that this isn't going to benefit me in the long term, and I have to make myself stop doing it, at least till the end of the school year. Sometimes I get mad at myself for not being able to hold out for what is just five more months now, and just make myself go to school and sit and study. I hate it. I hate school. Not learning in general, though, and not all aspects of school. Just. argh sometime I think that I don't have the willpower to stick it out and pass my A levels.

Damn I can't just pass, I have to get, well, As, or I'll have to retake the year. I don't want to do that. I can't stay in there for longer than I have to. But I don't have a choice. Really, sticking it out and getting good scores is the fastest way I can assure myself a ride out of here.

Lately my mum has been threatening me about what she would do with me if I couldn't get into university. I couldn't find an answer she would be satisfied with. Obviously, not getting into university seems to be a very realistic consequence at this point.

I really need to stop procrastinating.

Speaking of family, though, right now I'm trying to block out all the stress originating from my family and my extended family and from aunts whom I've never seen in years-- I'm just letting the pressure from my peers and teachers push me, because I cannot handle the concerns of a thousand other people. Who all seem to have their own, DIFFERENT, opinions on where I should go for university and how hard I should study and when I should be applying. I mean no, honestly, quite recently my getting into university seems to be a convenient, inoffensive, topic of conversation. I don't want to attempt to please everybody, like I used to. It's all just a bloody waste of time. (This is only in regards to what I should major in/ which university I should go to, not in relation to how much I should study.)

There. WATCH IT.

oh my god if I ever get to leakycon 2011 I'm going to cry.

I felt emotional watching this video.

if I ever get to go next year, it will be a culmination of four years of waiting.

And the community and the spirit is NEVER GOING TO END.

I am insane.

But you knew that already.

I had a dream where-- okay let's just start from the beginning. And, also, just ignore the absurdity of things happening in this post and accept it as it is.

So I was having tuition, with a few people from my school. Cherie was there. We were planning to go for a movie outing as a class (cherie isn't in my class, this doesn't make sense, but never mind) after we were done with tuition/ our work. As usual, I take too long and I was one of the last ones to finish, mainly because for some reason I had received a NOTE from my other friends- darran, dith, ling, kiru etc. The way the note was delivered was that a messenger had to knock the classroom door and announce: "Is nicole chen here? There's a message for her." In such a way that everyone else in the class knew that I had gotten a note, and the note was from my other friends. For some reason they also knew who the note was from.

The message was written much like a text, something along the lines of: "Are we having lunch later?" But the content of the message wasn't important, as the main thing was that everyone knew that me receiving/ reading the note slowed me down and caused me to take even longer to finish my work. This made me leave the class late, and I was late for the class outing-- because the movie started at 1pm and I arrived at 1.06pm.

Everyone was waiting for me, and Cherie got mad at me, and said: "You were late and made us miss the movie all because of a BOY? You ditch us because of a BOY? Are we less important than your other friends, now? Do you know how LONG I've known you compared to your other friends?"

And I was struggling to explain: "No, no, it's not like that-- please hear me out-- please it's not like that..."

Cherie: "So you mean your other, more glamourous friends are more important than us? That now you have older friends you can ditch us whenever you like? That you hang out with older people you are better than us, now? If you don't want to go out with us and would rather hang out with your cooler friends then TELL US so we don't have to wait around for someone like YOU to turn up."

And then suddenly I was looking at my gmail inbox, like a jumpcut happened, and in there were emails from Michelle T., my classmates and cherie, with titles all starting with "B". The common thread among these emails were that they were all mad at me. I couldn't open these emails, though, I could only see them piling up in my inbox, and every time I refreshed the page there would be more. So I tried checking the internet and realised that the mobile modem wasn't even connected to the laptop, so I was trying my hardest to access the internet from my phone and things and to reply to these emails to clarify the situation.

And then I woke up.

cherie appeared, I think, because she's the only person from my school who knows the people from writer's fest and knows what they look like and hence knows darran and kiru. She isn't the kind of person to get mad at me in real life, though, but the above situation seems very plausible at the moment.

The dream just opens a can of worms. There are so many questions to address... or not. haha.

There is so much SYMBOLISM.

idk @jay_lake analyses his dreams, so I was thinking of analyzing mine. And also because this dream unnerved me a little, and seemed so real.

clarification: darran isn't "the boy" and I am not "the girl", however much FRIENDS *coughgeerucough* like to say so. haha.

To be honest, though, if I knew people like that I would definitely egg them about it because the premise and the whole setup is comical xD If I were geeru I would definitely tease myself, just for the fun of it.

Many things have been on my mind of late, but now is not the time to be mulling over things.

I have a physical notebook-type journal that I can write things in, but sometimes (oddly) I think I'll get more privacy here. Because my mum/ sister/ grandfather etc SOMEONE living in my house always manages to read my diary, and my last one got stolen. At least in case of an emergency I can store everything in a hard drive (I'm figuring out an effective way to back this up at the moment) where it's harder to read.

I write things down because I'm afraid I will forget.

A friend I know writes 1000-word blogposts-- everything is outlined in detail. He says it's because he's afraid he might forget something, and I didn't believe him, "Really? You can forget what happened? The important things?" and he said yes. Now I kind of understand why he's afraid of forgetting.

I don't think I'll forget actual events, though, but the feelings that come with these events.

To clarify: the other day I was listening to Always in the Season by pomplamoose:

and it made me think of Nov '09, just about 6 months ago, and the happiness/ stress (odd, I know) that I felt then. But the memories felt so elusive! I don't want to forget happy events, or events relating to important people, or at least a point in my life where I felt hope. Beyond remembering for the sake of remembering, there is another reason which you will learn about in due time. (heh I sound like a novel) It's just very very important to me to be able to remember, and it's also a bit odd remembering, because how I felt then was so different from how I feel now.

First times are always firsts, and they never happen again. Especially now when I'm diving headfirst into things without thinking/ being hesitant, the initial bits pass very quickly, and I just want to be able to hold on to them, or pull them out whenever necessary. I've been doing a lot of firsts, lately, and I just want to remember the initial rush when I first do something.

To better illustrate: it's like when you're meeting a person for the first time. eg when I met sarahcoldheart/ jolantru (local SFF writers) I felt so happy and surprised that they were so different than what I expected, and yet they seemed like such wonderful people-- people I'd like to have long conversations with, about books and writing and the ~world. I felt so excited that they actually waited for me (heh embarrassed) and they respect my opinions and they are so gorgeous and friendly and knowledgeable.

And when I first met them, I was thinking: " oh my gosh oh my gosh these people actually EXIST in real life and they are interesting. Oh my goodness they are actually letting me SPEAK are they out of their mind? do they know what tripe would escape my lips do they know how LITTLE experience I have compared to other people in the room? oh my gosh"

You know? And in singapore you very rarely get to meet people who are so receptive to WRITING and are so patient and they READ omg they READ the same stuff as I do that is so awesome.

So yes. In relation to first memories, the other day I went to The Arts House with geeru, and I was remembering everything about swf and thinking that whatever feelings I felt the first time would never be exactly the same. So I tried to remember the excitement and anticipation of the first morning, meeting kiru and debby, the novelty of being in such a pretty building, the first time I saw jia min was when she was wearing an EQQUS shirt. I remember thinking: "Oh man. These are MY kind of people." And of course kiru has read prachett and jia min thursday next and they can understand all my references, and. Being in my stupid school with its walled-in community you think these things are impossible, are they not? But there I was, in a physical corner of singapore, learning that these people existed, that these people have JOBS, that they are happy and adjusted-- it just changes your whole perspective of the world.

It's like getting to know nerdfighteria and learning that there ARE smart people out there who use their brains and think about what they're doing. They aren't resistant to new ideas, they know how to read analytically, they have an opinion about world events. You think: "Oh! There IS hope for the future of the human race."

Listening to the An Education soundtrack, for old time's sake.



Heh but every time I do this, it freaks the crap out of me, for good reason.
And the longer this goes on, it freaks me out more and more. It's so awfully creepy. But it helps, really, not to think about it so much and let myself go.
I like freaking myself out :D :D #maniac
I adore the film.
I like good films, but I haven't the opportunity to watch movies lately.
Maybe I should get pooky to recommend me some.

it's so odd that this year I've come to know people who are fucked up, and it's actually people who are real, not fictional.

I don't know.

Sometimes I think because of my age, people are giving me concessions.

Not that I'm entirely against this; during the SFF panel, it was because of my age that people listened/ let me speak. (heh.)

It's just that sometimes *because* of my age people expect me not to perform as well as those older than me, and then I just stupidly underperform. I then think it's more acceptable to underperform, and use age as an excuse for not producing better work.

"Work" in this case refers to how I express myself in videos, and sometimes on blogs. Sometimes I feel like I'm just as articulate as my 14 year-old self, and I haven't moved on from that. I hate it. Take, for example, how I express myself here:

and compare how I talk about the SFF panel to how @jolantru talks about it. Do you see? The epic GULF that separates our quality of discussion?

It's also because michele talked about this student-run opinion online magazine, and suggested I submit an article. She's submitting one. I don't think I'm good enough to match up to the people who are appearing in the first issue-- they are the best of the best in my school-- so I'm hesitant about writing something. I think I'll just wait till the first issue comes out to see what the ~vibe is like, and to see what kind of stuff they want, before submitting.

Michele's suggestion also lead me to look through past posts, and I have to admit that most of my *remotely* intellectual things are terribly short and underdeveloped. (Surprise, surprise, teachers say this about my essays at school also) Otherwise they're just ranty posts concerning myself. Guess I have to try a lot harder at being articulate. Although I don't intend to be consciously articulate on this blog, probably on my um yet-undone book blog.

Not that I'm complaining. It sounds like I'm complaining. I'm just happy that my peers are better at everything than I am-- and this is a positive thing. Michele has a quote about this on her tumblr... *searches* Ah. Yes.

"Hang out with people who are smarter and as or more driven than you, and you will drift in that direction."

And this has been proven through, for most of my education at least. Not to sound bigheaded, but when you're placed with people who are constantly ousting you in everything they do, you have a natural compulsion to match up to them. It works, not only academically but when I was learning about leadership skills. When my peers were so able to manage groups of people, it made me want to pull my weight, and along the way I learnt how to manage stressful situations, and how to adapt to new environments. Sometimes you only become aware of how much you've changed because of your better peers when you're put with people who are not as able.

Ok like in my cca I used to take it for granted that everyone would pull their weight and follow up with everything and be on their toes without being told, but sometimes on volunteer stints I see people slacking and not being up to par, and THEN you realise what you've learnt/ taken with you. Eg we learnt in my cca that panicking in a stressful situation is the worst thing to do, because other people are following you and taking cues from your leadership. If you're a leader, and you spazz out, what are your followers going to do? Someone eventually has to pick up after you and fill in where you're falling behind, and you don't want to have people to babysit you all the time. Also panicking is very counter-productive: you waste unnecessary energy, and you don't spend time trying to rectify the situation. No one wants to have to deal with your emotional outbursts during a critical period. You have to think clearly and be definite about what has to be done, and either communicate to others about this, or get it done yourself.

semaphore magazine is ohhhh so good.
the illustrations! the warmth! the tone! the stories!

it's just like when I first discovered Cricket when I was 11.

Joy.

by the way, here's @jolantru's issue. I like it! it is great!
she can be found here.

ach normally I don't have the patience for fiction on my mac; I should do it more! :)

teared up when I watched this.

I don't know, think I've been angst-buckety lately. OBVIOUSLY angst-bucket me rarely gets airtime on twitter/ youtube, so I'll probably keep it quiet. It's just a bit unprofessional (and sometimes embarrassing) to angstbucket whenever you are... angsty. And I don't want people to see anything, idk prospective employers, for example.

I just hate being needy, you know? erk I hate being dependent and I keep trying to deny it or ignore angst and move the heck on but the longer I wait the worse it gets

gosh I wish I could do this with pooky sometime.

haha on saturday I went to the same shop at far east I went to 1 1/2 years ago to buy a band shirt. My crappy memory thought that the ACDC shirt I bought in Oct 2008 was $10, until I checked the blogpost I did on that and realised that I paid $18 instead xD

Because I paid $20 for the muse shirt, and I thought I had been cheated. Well the lady said $18 first, and I gave her $20, but she didn't give me my change back, and I didn't want to cross her (yes I'm a schmuck) so I didn't ask for change and got the heck out of there. haha I make it sound like a very rough place but it really wasn't, it was just very crowded with merch-- they are very economical with their shopping real estate-- just a little bit more crowded than I remembered. Anyway the stock had changed a little; there were a lot of leftover michael jackson shirts, and then they had more updated stuff like fall out boy and MCR, and good stuff like the Beatles. There was iron maiden and a lot of metal-looking bands, but I don't really like the fact that I like iron maiden but their art is so... ugly. (for lack of a better word).

There was a yellow submarine Beatles shirt, and I was torn between that and the Muse shirt, although I eventually decided on the muse shirt because I already have a beatles shirt. And Muse one was of a music festival-thing; there was Jet and um haha a lot of other bands listed, with a cool graphic. The shirt's in the wash right now, and mmm I'm not wearing it until I've altered it. I liked my acdc shirt a LOT better after it had been altered; it fit better (duh) but I'm also proud of my altering skillz xD

Although I don't have enough expertise to trust myself to alter my skirts properly lol because it's a little bit harder than altering shirts and I'm worried that it'll come out all wrong. So I'm bringing them to the laundromat/ tailor when I have the time and/or money.

On a related note, I don't know why you would be interested in reading the above. But I had something to talk about and I need to talk because I haven't had the chance to talk to people irl lately. (I got to talk to pooky the other night, which was great!) I kind of like juggling two conversations on msn because all my friends come online at the same time >.> and then my SISTER comes to talk to me just to annoy me, so I have to talk to her and talk to two people at the same time so it's very confusing but fun.

ANYWAY I haven't had the chance to catch up with geeru or michele lately, so I'll probably ask them out for lunch/ studying at The Garden Slug hmm but it's always so hard to ask school friends out because they're always busy with something-- cca, finishing up school work, other friends ETC *sigh* but I really want to ask someone out and talk to them and get to know how they're DOING and kythe a little bit.

If you've read madeline l'engle you'll probably know what I mean, and you'll also probably think it's so passe but really I believe in kything. You know the lull in conversation when you're with a good friend, and both of you aren't saying anything but you're just enjoying the moment and taking it all in? like the time I went to WWW with michele and geeru and we were not speaking, yet so... together at the same time. Just appreciating everything and taking it all in.

And then there was a time when I was with a friend and there was a slight pause in the conversation. I remember thinking: "This is the most comfortable I have ever been in a long time and I don't want it to end."

Saw these guys (New Fro Matter) on saturday night at Underground Seed. haha I know you're going to say: "ehh they're so chinese and poser and... yellow-boy" but just listen and turn up the volume a bit, give them a little time? (for the record the guy in the yellow shirt is filipino, not chinese. Okay this doesn't matter but I KNOW you're going to think about it at some point.)

Their lyrics aren't much but at least they enunciate properly and you know what they're talking about, and the music is good to drown yourself in. And their website has some pretty cool graphics: http://www.newfromatter.com/

haha between them and Patriot, I think I'm turning into a groupie/ fangirl xD but I haven't had much exposure to ~good local music, and yes I have pathetic taste. And ahh I haven't had much experience listening to live music, and I have to tell you, once you listen to live music, youtube videos are mehhh. As in, music is So Much Better live, and it's so different from listening to a recording, because of all the ~energy of the band, the crowd and the lights. It's like you're enveloped in the sounds and you're trusting the band with a few minutes of your time-- you're letting them give you a peek at how they see the world, and allowing yourself to be possessed by their music. There's no other way to put it. "drowning", as in, when the music envelops you and it's louder than all the voices in your head and you let it take over. You let it say the words for you, and you let the rhythms lull you into a kind of calm.

There's a certain sense of ownership with music. The artist creates it and shares it with you, and you let him take him on a journey into his ideas.

Speaking of Patriot, I saw them at UndergroundSeed.

AHA ok this is a video of the gig I saw them at, and I was... following them around pretty creepily when I saw them again on saturday xD They weren't playing a set, but they just attended underground seed to watch. *sigh* they aren't so good in this video but you have to believe me, they were TONS better live. ...and the vocalist is lousy at hitting high notes. Good thing Patriot is hard to google; please don't tell him that. And the chick (amelene) is cute. There. I said it. NOW you'll think I'm a stalker. I think I'll try to chat them up the next time, will pick up tips from Ling.

ok ok found it. THIS is the song that really got me. (POOKY watch it please ^-^)

eee now that I'm watching it he sounds more pitchy. I suppose I'm spoiling it for you.

ahhh the bass is really good on this one! Amelene plays bass. hint hint.

damn. "amelene" "patriot" and "underground seed" are really easy things to google. Ah well. *waves* OH HAI THAR you don't remember this transpired, you hear?