pooky, I think you'll like the video :)

mm yes.

I've been thinking, the thing about hanging out with older people is that sometimes they think they are responsible for me? As if I were their younger sister or something, they are hence responsible for my safety, academic progress, etc. As much as I hate being treated as a child, I think the reason why they treat me like this is that I'm irresponsible myself.

Beyond how young I look-- tbh my friends don't look too old themselves ;D -- it's largely how immature I am. Mostly I dive into things headfirst without thinking of the consequences, and this is a sign of immaturity. Secondly of course is that quite recently I've been immersing myself in all that is not school-related: making videos, blogs, twitter, etc and they think this is affecting my academic work. I think it is, to be frank.

I don't like it. I don't like being talked down to and being perceived as incapable. It's like drawing a white line between my relations with older friend and I. They know this, of course, and very tactfully try to do this as little as possible. They also regard me as an equal most of the time, which is a fact that I appreciate tremendously, because I know they could just brush me off and they don't *really* have to talk to me. But whenever they bring up the subject of age and advising me, I just feel out of place and embarrassed.

Most of this is my doing, of course. It's not just my older friends who tell me off, it's friends my age too. Proving the fact that I really need to be told off, and it's not just my older friends thinking that telling me off is a result of their position. I feel I should be responsible, and that I should disconnect-- both mentally and physically-- from the internet and focus on passing my tests. But it's so hard when sometimes I feel that connecting with someone else who understands me through the internet is part of how I feel human. Being cut off and isolated in an environment where nobody understands anything is frustrating.

I mean. Last term I skipped a few classes, thinking nobody would notice. Sometimes they didn't. Sometimes they did. Ultimately I know that this isn't going to benefit me in the long term, and I have to make myself stop doing it, at least till the end of the school year. Sometimes I get mad at myself for not being able to hold out for what is just five more months now, and just make myself go to school and sit and study. I hate it. I hate school. Not learning in general, though, and not all aspects of school. Just. argh sometime I think that I don't have the willpower to stick it out and pass my A levels.

Damn I can't just pass, I have to get, well, As, or I'll have to retake the year. I don't want to do that. I can't stay in there for longer than I have to. But I don't have a choice. Really, sticking it out and getting good scores is the fastest way I can assure myself a ride out of here.

Lately my mum has been threatening me about what she would do with me if I couldn't get into university. I couldn't find an answer she would be satisfied with. Obviously, not getting into university seems to be a very realistic consequence at this point.

I really need to stop procrastinating.

Speaking of family, though, right now I'm trying to block out all the stress originating from my family and my extended family and from aunts whom I've never seen in years-- I'm just letting the pressure from my peers and teachers push me, because I cannot handle the concerns of a thousand other people. Who all seem to have their own, DIFFERENT, opinions on where I should go for university and how hard I should study and when I should be applying. I mean no, honestly, quite recently my getting into university seems to be a convenient, inoffensive, topic of conversation. I don't want to attempt to please everybody, like I used to. It's all just a bloody waste of time. (This is only in regards to what I should major in/ which university I should go to, not in relation to how much I should study.)