Many things have been on my mind of late, but now is not the time to be mulling over things.

I have a physical notebook-type journal that I can write things in, but sometimes (oddly) I think I'll get more privacy here. Because my mum/ sister/ grandfather etc SOMEONE living in my house always manages to read my diary, and my last one got stolen. At least in case of an emergency I can store everything in a hard drive (I'm figuring out an effective way to back this up at the moment) where it's harder to read.

I write things down because I'm afraid I will forget.

A friend I know writes 1000-word blogposts-- everything is outlined in detail. He says it's because he's afraid he might forget something, and I didn't believe him, "Really? You can forget what happened? The important things?" and he said yes. Now I kind of understand why he's afraid of forgetting.

I don't think I'll forget actual events, though, but the feelings that come with these events.

To clarify: the other day I was listening to Always in the Season by pomplamoose:

and it made me think of Nov '09, just about 6 months ago, and the happiness/ stress (odd, I know) that I felt then. But the memories felt so elusive! I don't want to forget happy events, or events relating to important people, or at least a point in my life where I felt hope. Beyond remembering for the sake of remembering, there is another reason which you will learn about in due time. (heh I sound like a novel) It's just very very important to me to be able to remember, and it's also a bit odd remembering, because how I felt then was so different from how I feel now.

First times are always firsts, and they never happen again. Especially now when I'm diving headfirst into things without thinking/ being hesitant, the initial bits pass very quickly, and I just want to be able to hold on to them, or pull them out whenever necessary. I've been doing a lot of firsts, lately, and I just want to remember the initial rush when I first do something.

To better illustrate: it's like when you're meeting a person for the first time. eg when I met sarahcoldheart/ jolantru (local SFF writers) I felt so happy and surprised that they were so different than what I expected, and yet they seemed like such wonderful people-- people I'd like to have long conversations with, about books and writing and the ~world. I felt so excited that they actually waited for me (heh embarrassed) and they respect my opinions and they are so gorgeous and friendly and knowledgeable.

And when I first met them, I was thinking: " oh my gosh oh my gosh these people actually EXIST in real life and they are interesting. Oh my goodness they are actually letting me SPEAK are they out of their mind? do they know what tripe would escape my lips do they know how LITTLE experience I have compared to other people in the room? oh my gosh"

You know? And in singapore you very rarely get to meet people who are so receptive to WRITING and are so patient and they READ omg they READ the same stuff as I do that is so awesome.

So yes. In relation to first memories, the other day I went to The Arts House with geeru, and I was remembering everything about swf and thinking that whatever feelings I felt the first time would never be exactly the same. So I tried to remember the excitement and anticipation of the first morning, meeting kiru and debby, the novelty of being in such a pretty building, the first time I saw jia min was when she was wearing an EQQUS shirt. I remember thinking: "Oh man. These are MY kind of people." And of course kiru has read prachett and jia min thursday next and they can understand all my references, and. Being in my stupid school with its walled-in community you think these things are impossible, are they not? But there I was, in a physical corner of singapore, learning that these people existed, that these people have JOBS, that they are happy and adjusted-- it just changes your whole perspective of the world.

It's like getting to know nerdfighteria and learning that there ARE smart people out there who use their brains and think about what they're doing. They aren't resistant to new ideas, they know how to read analytically, they have an opinion about world events. You think: "Oh! There IS hope for the future of the human race."