oh cool

benji schwimmer was 22 when he started thinking he was gay.
Makes me feel not so left out :)

idk, there are kids in my school who knew they were gay since they were 12, or 14, at that early teen period. Last year, someone asked me how long I knew I was gay and I said, "about 1.5 years." and she gave me this cynical "oh". As if she was skeptical of my gay-ness and she thought it was just a phase. Like my feeling of being not-straight was not taken seriously. It felt like she thought I was one of those bi-curious girls who just liked "experimenting" and didn't *really* like girls. I also disagree with the attitude towards the label "bi-curious"; it's perfectly legitimate to feel bi-curious, and others shouldn't make you feel less than. It's just... the word tends to be associated with porn/ escorting, and female-identifying porn workers who will make out with girls because they will get paid more.

Sometimes when I think about my own coming-out, I feel a bit late to the game, compared with others. There was a point when I doubted myself because I was already so "old" and had so little relationship experience, and felt like a fake wannabe-gay person. Now it's been about 2.5 years, and I still don't identify with being bi or lesbian, I identify as queer. It's not like I haven't given this a lot of thought; I have, 2.5 years worth.

But sometimes gay people boil it down to: Do you like cocks or vaginas or both? and I'm like-- how do I like an anatomical structure if I've barely seen it before in real life? I don't see a penis or a vagina and think, "that turns me on", to me it's just a body part, like your armpit or elbow or bellybutton. It exists to serve a function. Why am I expected to be turned on by penises, when I find them odd and weird, or sometimes disgusting? Same for vaginas. I mean they have artistic merit; everyone has a different-looking one, and they're complex, but I don't think, "I want some of that". I look at people and I get turned on, but not isolated body parts. I can go, "oh, he/she has a nice ass", but that ass has to be attached to a person. 

I don't like how society, or other people, expect my sexuality to be an automatic, almost biological, thing. It's easy for straight people to like penises/vaginas and explain it away as a evolved desire, but what if I don't even want to have sex with anyone? I don't know, I don't want to be pressured to "decide", and it's not a cut and dry, easy decision to make. I don't even know if it's a conscious choice or not.

It sometimes makes me afraid, because I have the tiny feeling that my family or relatives expect me to marry a man. (well, my two grandaunts didn't marry anyone.) It feels like the next stage in life that I'm expected to undergo, in, say, 7-10 years. I've been able to explain away my lack of boyfriend due to perceived nerdiness and "antisocial" behavior. To my family's favor, they haven't been putting any pressure on me about boyfriends yet, which is great. But at this moment in time, the idea of me having sex with a male-identifying person repulses, and to a certain extent, scares me. It'll be like Bed Song. I don't want to end up like Bed Song. I'd rather sleep on my own than be in that situation. sigh.