expectations

Memolane is this thing that sends me emails of things I tweeted 1 year ago and 2 years ago. Yesterday it sent me a tweet that had this amanda palmer blogpost in it, and I said something akin to "Have faith in yourselves!". I reread the blogpost, and my major takeaway is something different.

I don't know. I think my self of 2 years ago was so optimistic. I'm optimistic now, but in a more... pragmatic manner? I am not feeling that starry-eyed joy anymore that I felt from doing things. Or if I do, it lasts a lot shorter, and I'm reminded that the thing I just got happy about isn't really all that. haha I don't know if it's the anthropology speaking, but I am compelled to make myself see both sides of a situation, and so I don't just see the happy side. I've also partied a lot more in the two years since, and now I don't think that much of parties anymore. Which is great! I've got the partying out of my system.

The bit that most stands out to me, upon my more recent reading, is this:

"your expectations of YOUR LIFE from when you were 12 years old, 15 years old, 25 years old, they will gnaw and haunt you. no doubt.
every love you left, every love you never chased, every career path you didn’t follow, every instrument you didn’t practice, every time you kept your mouth shut and should have spoken up, every time you said too much.
but none of that exists NOW. it’s gone, over, non-existant.

the same way your parents’ expectations haunt you. and your teachers and the noise of cultural expectations haunt you.
all these voices in your head bicker and argue and obscure the real key to freedom:
your ability to stand still and ask:

who do i want to be

and what do i want to do

RIGHT. NOW.

?

you can live in a free country, but you’re not free unless you allow your own fucking self to be free IN THIS MOMENT, here, NOW, and not locked up in the dreams of your past, or the potential regrets of the future."

It really resonates with me.

When I was 10 years old I wanted to be a genetic scientist. I was literally brought up to believe that my purpose for going to school was to be able to go to a prestigious university and to study something fancy and be a researcher/ doctor/ lawyer/ architect etc. When I was 18, I still believed this, that I was supposed to put into practice what I had wanted all those years ago. That I'm letting my past self down, my parents down, my education down. Being in the gifted programme and having the a government bursary for all those years, and being in RG, constantly reminds you that you are "lucky" to have these things, and you should not let the education system down by failing, and doing badly in school. I felt disappointed in myself for not fulfilling these expectations.

The above quote argues that the expectations that you had of yourself in the past and that people have of you are not relevant, and what matters most is what you want of yourself now.

It's just a bit strange, though, because when you have different experiences, your expectations change, and you want different things. Long-term planning has no place in this model. For example, undergraduate study needs you to decide on something and commit yourself to it for 3-4 years. Your expectations might change within that few years, but it's not feasible to keep jumping off the wagon and doing something different.

I don't know. In my opinion, if I changed my major now, it would be a waste of my time. I know lots of people switch unis or courses in their second year, and started over. I don't think that's for me. It was hard enough for me to decide on a course to do, and to have to decide again would be too much effort for too little gain. But of course my expectations haven't really changed when I decided that I would study BA Anthropology. On the contrary, studying in my first year convinced me that I really liked the subject, and that this was the right way to go.

I don't really know what I expect of myself now, though. This is the bit which made me think. I do not have many expectations, as long as I liked what I studied, it would be okay. Perhaps my expectation of myself at this moment is to just stick it and hopefully get my degree in a few years. Keep volunteering at theatre things because it is one of the activities that makes me feel like not wanting to off myself, keep life modeling for the money, and for the sense of body peace. I don't hate my body so much now, and I feel proud of myself when I've successfully held a hard pose and not given up. I'm trying to convince myself that the ridiculous emailing, record-keeping, and bureaucracy is good training if I ever need to be a freelancer when I graduate.

Thinking about what I want and why I want them is helpful, I guess.
My dad asks me why I put in ridiculous hours to "work for free". The hours were just bad on one project, but on that one I experienced a great sense of camaraderie and teamwork that made me feel better about myself and not so shitty. Sitting alone in a quiet room when you're supposed to study for weeks on end can make you feel shitty. I didn't really have anyone to talk to because the people in my flat don't really do that, and I tried "socialising" but it just made me feel worse, because I couldn't socialise. Going to things for the sake of socializing felt stupid.

Volunteering's like... my extracurricular activity. Just like how people play rugby or bridge or table tennis or whatever outside school. Volunteering is what I used to do in singapore, I'm used to it, I'm "good" at it, I feel proud doing it, so I do it here in london for a sense of continuity. Do most people who play sport in uni continue to do it professionally? No. Therefore I think it's ok for me to volunteer in an industry, and for it to be completely unrelated to my course at uni.

don't know where I'm going with this. work tomorrow, I'm tired, night.