I keep fucking up

I don't know

I keep mentioning the fact that I have to repeat my first year of anthropology to myself, like I don't want myself to forget it. I don't like it. I don't feel as poopy as I did when I first got the news a week ago, but I still feel poopy.

I don't know.

I don't know why I'm doing this course because it won't earn me anything at goldsmiths. It's so weird here and I don't like it. My usual modus operandi is to be super optimistic or to bluff myself that I'm super optimistic. I'm not trying to be positive at all for this trip.

I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to go to school for a while. Not just a year, like 5 years. I don't think I'm good at school. I think I'm shit at school. I've been shit at school since sec 2/3. That was 2006. it's been 6 years now. Time to move on. Constructively speaking if I want to quit school I have to move back to sg, but then I also have to not live with my parents because they would stop supporting me if I quit school. Then I have to think about paying rent. I think the first few months will be kind of ok, I have savings, but I would need to get a job. um. It's hard to get a job both in london and in singapore but in sg, you would get something in the end.

When I say things like this people say "oh, it'll get better" "you're stronger than this", which I think is bullshit because they're not taking me seriously. I'm not good at school at all. I don't think my mother understands this. I am not made for school. If you have a history of fucking up it's clearly a sign to say that you shouldn't be in university.

There are only so many times you can fuck up, right?

I don't want to go to school here and I don't want to go to class because every time I walk through the campus I remind myself that I'm too shit to get into this school on my own merit, and that I don't deserve to be here. Then I have to do the whole social thing which makes me anxious, and this is in addition to the anxiety/stress I feel from having to keep ahead or on top of things