you see I COULD just not go to the classes and spend all my parents' money on shopping or partying or whatever while I'm in chicago, but I'm not doing that. I have not skipped a single class in the 1.5 weeks I'm here. That's a record, considering how much shit we have to do for each class and how far I'm falling behind/ have already fallen behind.

but there was a paper due 15 minutes ago and I don't think I'll submit it till 12 tonight or something. I also haven't put a question on the discussion board, as instructed. Reasons: I haven't finished the novel we were supposed to finish last week. I'm only halfway through the novel we're doing this week. The paper questions are on the novel we did last week and the novel we did this week. I am fucking screwed. I have not read either novel closely enough to answer the prompts. The prompts are nothing like what we've talked about in class. I have taken notes on what we've been doing in class, but they don't really help.

I don't want to do the paper because I have no idea what to write about, and it's 4-6 pp, which, according to ask.com, is 1000 words. I have trouble writing 1000 words on a normal basis, much less in a few hours. I don't know where the fuck he gets the prompts from, tbh.

I don't want to do the paper and I don't want to go to classes I don't want to do the reading because I'm so far behind.

I hate going to class because sometimes I'm lost because I haven't done the reading. I haven't done the reading because I have crap time management and I spend most of my day sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I don't know how the hell other people finish the reading. I am frustrated.

I am not academically inclined at all and I'm not meant for this I can't cope ok there's a reason why all the colleges/universities that I applied to last year rejected me.

I don't want to go to school anymore.

I don't know how to write this paper or where to start and I have a strange feeling that if I just sat at home and didn't go to class and made my own notes on the novel I would have had more success with these fucking prompts than if I actually went to class. I don't want to go to class anymore we're supposed to talk in class fuck that. I didn't say anything in class last lesson because I had nothing of worth to contribute to the discussion and I have talking-in-class issues that I've had ok and it just makes me anxious. I'm sitting in class being anxious about the fact that I haven't finished the reading and the need to talk just makes me more anxious and if I get too anxious I will have to walk out of the class and I don't really want to do that.

I don't care if this is a good university or not. The credits I'm getting from this won't mean anything. It won't contribute to my degree in london. I don't even want to go to a "good" university. I don't want to go to university anymore. I don't care. It doesn't matter. I'm sick of school I'm lousy at it what is the point of investing so much money into a lost cause I don't understand.

hello world.

My name is Nicole.
I am queer.
I just fucked up my first year of university and I have to repeat it.
I'm now doing summer school at this big university in the US and I'm not doing the work for it, because I feel like crap. I complained to my family that I was having trouble finishing the work and they just looked annoyed and disappointed and my sister told me to "speed-read". I don't feel capable of doing anything.
I haven't told my mum that I fucked up my first year.
I am turning 20 in august.
I am a life model.
I just traveled halfway across the world to go to a harry potter convention, and to see this girl that I like a lot.
She may not like me back.
I waited 9 months to see her for something that may or may not happen.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
I don't have any pets.
I am not living independently, but off my parent's money. I paid for the flight, hotel and registration to LeakyCon with my own money from working. Mum is paying for my summer school, because she insisted on me going.
I was studying anthropology. I have no idea what I'm going to do after my degree. My original plan was to do an MA, and decide after that. But with my current track record, I'm not even sure if my parents will continue funding my study in London or if they are willing to fund an MA in social anthropology or a related field.
I am not actively trying to make friends at this summer school because doing something for the sake of socializing stresses me out. I also never manage to finish the reading assigned for each lesson. The other kids in my class do. I think I am stupid. My parents asked if I had made any friends when I called. I said no. That I'm expected to make friends stresses me out.
I don't want to go to school anymore. I am sick of school. I don't want to go to school for at least 3 years. I think I will work in those 3 years, and do an entry-level service job.
I don't think I am suited for school. I was supposed to repeat J1, then J2. I had to take my A levels twice. I took my SATs 3 times. I got accepted into a uni in the UK, where they don't even look at my SAT scores. I don't know why I took them.

I keep fucking up

I don't know

I keep mentioning the fact that I have to repeat my first year of anthropology to myself, like I don't want myself to forget it. I don't like it. I don't feel as poopy as I did when I first got the news a week ago, but I still feel poopy.

I don't know.

I don't know why I'm doing this course because it won't earn me anything at goldsmiths. It's so weird here and I don't like it. My usual modus operandi is to be super optimistic or to bluff myself that I'm super optimistic. I'm not trying to be positive at all for this trip.

I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to go to school for a while. Not just a year, like 5 years. I don't think I'm good at school. I think I'm shit at school. I've been shit at school since sec 2/3. That was 2006. it's been 6 years now. Time to move on. Constructively speaking if I want to quit school I have to move back to sg, but then I also have to not live with my parents because they would stop supporting me if I quit school. Then I have to think about paying rent. I think the first few months will be kind of ok, I have savings, but I would need to get a job. um. It's hard to get a job both in london and in singapore but in sg, you would get something in the end.

When I say things like this people say "oh, it'll get better" "you're stronger than this", which I think is bullshit because they're not taking me seriously. I'm not good at school at all. I don't think my mother understands this. I am not made for school. If you have a history of fucking up it's clearly a sign to say that you shouldn't be in university.

There are only so many times you can fuck up, right?

I don't want to go to school here and I don't want to go to class because every time I walk through the campus I remind myself that I'm too shit to get into this school on my own merit, and that I don't deserve to be here. Then I have to do the whole social thing which makes me anxious, and this is in addition to the anxiety/stress I feel from having to keep ahead or on top of things