I made a blogpost just to show this song off. woop!

GP was today, screwed up the essay; AQ was okay. Slept before 2 the night before and I have to tell you; it helped! Felt a lot less stressed than when I went for papers with little or no sleep. Maybe I should do this for my other papers.

Anyway if you're looking for a ~life update, I've edited half a video, and the other half of the video will be done... when I have time. I've been studying most of the time these days/ reading... or I should be, at least xD But I've been finding less and less time to spend for writing (book reviews) or video making >( and it's only going to get more difficult in the coming months.

Okay I suppose this shouldn't be my biggest worry, and as other people tell me, studying should be my #1 priority. D: that statement itself makes me puke. Though if I don't get any As I will have to retake the year, which would SUCK. The other day I counted and realised that I was about 6 months and a week to finishing my A levels :D :D :D I just have to stick it for these six months and I will be freaking DONE with JC and I can do whatever I want.

Also in recent news, I realise that I've been doing a lot of social things lately xD it's so atypical! haha. But it makes me happy, so. idk I just want to find time to spend with my favorite people, and yet it's the small things that make your day? like when they look out for you, and say hi, and check up on you and watch your back -- these things make me so so grateful :) And I've been thinking about the people I hang out with, and I realise that I really like people whom I'm not afraid to be myself with. How do I say this? People with whom I can wear whatever I like, say whatever I want, squee as much as I want to, turn my crazy on. These people. These people are awesome.

And there are friends whom you rarely get to talk to but whenever you *do* get the chance to communicate, it's like nothing has changed between the two of you and the dynamic remains the same ^^

I suppose the above was the soundtrack for saturday night. I woke up the next morning after 4 hours of sleep (usual for me) thinking: "What did I do last night?" and thought of this song.

I will tell all! For posterity.

So Saturday afternoon me kiru and darran met for TEA at this fancy tea-place, and I had christmas, kiru had paradise kiss, and darran had darjeeling.

[the details are warranted because I'm afraid in the future if I get amnesia I'll forget everything and that's a scary thought. I am not a Writer, though, so it's okay to put in Details even if they don't mean anything. To the reader, at least.]

Then we walked. Walked to orchard plaza. Talked. And talked. And took the bus from orchard plaza to esplanade but missed a stop and walked through suntec, where there was a japanese tea place with "cute waitresses". Alas, the cute ones weren't there save for the lone girl at the front desk whom kiru suspected was put there for the express reason for attracting customers. It wasn't a maid cafe, though. It was just a cafe selling related merch and a "fashion line" where all the clothes seemed to be made out of the same kind of fabric, where the jewellery cases looked like salad bars.

Walked out of marina square and on the overhead bridge-thing so we ended up opposite the esplanade. The helix was right next to the esplanade, so we went on that, and mused at the surrounding construction projects. Darran took this time to promote the YOG and kiru talked about knowing someone who used to babysit for JKR. (ooh.) And said she only read the last three books only to know what happened to harry/ron/hermione. She was sad that 90% of DH was about H/R/ Hr being out of hogwarts, when the Harry Potter was meant to be a Boarding School series.

(digression: I only like Harry Potter so much because I grew up alongside Harry; its release spanned about 10 years of my short 17-year life. And also because mugglecast and the fandom kept me going through the tough preteen/ teen years. This needs its own blog entry.

If I were to start reading harry potter now, though, I would stop after Philosopher's Stone, and same goes for The Chronicles of Narnia. There are certain books you just have to read as a kid.)

On the helix, we noticed that on the floor was AT and CG and as a bio student I am ashamed to say that I did not get the letters at first; Kiru noticed it because she said she watched Gattaca in GP lessons with mrs Perry. And then I realised that AT and GC spelled "gattaca", and that was probably why the movie was titled so. #isslow On a random note, I first watched gattaca when I was 10 on television in a hotel room in hong kong.

Walked BACK ACROSS the bridge after walking its length for POPYE'S because Darran wanted fried chicken. Kiru got a soda and a biscuit, I got a drink because walking in the heat makes you mega-thirsty. Also wearing tights when it's hot is not a very intelligent idea because while it is kind of cute, you get unattractively hot, sweaty and red in the face. Mused about the fact that it was a bad time to mention that I was vegetarian, kiru said she was kind-of vegetarian too. Kiru and darran talked about schools and things. More talking ensues. This is a ridiculously boring blogpost.

After popye's, kiru thinks that it's a good idea to get on home, so we walk to the esplanade in search of the Esplanade station on the circle line, only to realise that we have no idea where it is, even with the help of kiru's trusty phone. I cannot, for the life of me, remember what happened in the next few minutes (see, I was right about the amnesia) but somehow we walked and ended up at the Arts House, where darran was due for his volunteering stint. He's early and decides to walk us to clarke quay and the raffles place mrt station, where he presumes kiru would want to take the train home. Turns out that it's easier for kiru to get home from clarke quay mrt, so I walk with kiru through clarke quay and we talk about pubs and gay bars, to Central. Kiru departs, while I have a subway dinner and sit for a while, mugging chem, because 1. I am hungry 2. my legs are tired.

I see the fallout from pinkdot and regret the fact that I didn't make it, but spending time with darran and kiru-- I hadn't seen kiru in 5 MONTHS-- was more important. Happy that there are more guys than girls in pink shirts, and more lame girls not-in-pink but carrying pink balloons and related memorabilia. I saunter back to the Arts House for underground seed, hoping to catch loki, but it turns out he went on sunday instead. At underground seed I see Patriot, who got me when they played Creep. I sang along like the stupid groupie that I am. They played stuff to... lose your head in, if you wish-- Time Is Running Out by Muse, and Seven Nation Army by White Stripes. I only recognised 3 songs out of their 6-song set. They take inspiration from Incubus and Rage Against the Machine.

What followed were 2 short films, a emo poetry reading which I found funny (but I don't think the writer intended it to be), and a theatre thing that was better than the poetry. I escape at about 8 or 9, I think, before the second half, to see the fire installation that darran was involved in. It was very pretty, and there were lots of people with DSLRs and posing girls. The music was nice too, and I heard their next stop was Brussels. At the fire installation I find darran, take a survey, and meet darran's friends who've come to see him. (so begins the crazy part)

They're called meredith and ling, and they are so ridiculously friendly and funny that I invite myself for icecream with them (yes I'm shameless). Darran decides to introduce me as girl-who's-on-the-internet and they become interested and resolve to look me up on youtube. I search in my bag for namecards (don't ask) turns out I have none, but I give them my handle nonetheless. So I introduce myself, they ask about WHAT I DO-- I think they half-expected me to be... older heh xD but anyway since I look like I'm 12, when they know I'm 17 it isn't news to them.

So we chat-- ling is hilarious and has humor just uncannily like xiaxue's, and meredith is an expert at deadpanning. These are the first people I've met in ages who aren't serious AT ALL and so I love them. I walk with them to this japanese ice cream stand for ling's recommendation of sakura ice cream. They've run out (sadface) and I get green tea ice cream instead. We sit at the singapore river, chatting somemore and eating our ice creams-- which are an excellent idea because it was sweltering after the fire exhibition. Some of it was funny girl talk, which I sorely miss, and we make jokes about me being a few months shy of 18-- which means they don't bring me for drinks xD and I tell stories about going to m18 movies. Ling asks about darran, whom she's only met the first time that night, and meredith dishes the dirt on him, because she's known him for years.

I realise afterwards they _could_ have dissed me or snubbed me off but they chose to string me along, which was nice. We talk about flea markets, and I think about how they would be fabulous people to go shopping with. Afterwards we head home, because they need to have early nights, and I walk home. It's creepy because every time I take the bus from the train station, it's always the SAME BUS at this time of the night. As in, there are at least 5 different buses I could take, but the first bus that stops is ALWAYS the same one. A sign?

Anyway this whole thing is a breakthrough for me, because... before I've always been super nervous when getting to meet people for the first time. As in, my friends irl always know me as "the quiet one" and really, when I'm anxious I don't speak much and withdraw, you know? In some ways it's kind of an accomplishment for me to be able to relax around someone new and not freeze up, and to be able to make small talk.

In order to understand this properly, you need to know that from when I was 3 to 14 I was quiet, and "reticent" still shows up on my report card. I would avoid people just so I didn't need to make awkward conversation where I didn't have anything to say. Sometimes I hated talking to people whom I didn't really know well, because it felt like I was being grilled. I was always worried about saying the wrong thing, or trying to find the appropriate thing to say, so much so that I didn't say anything at all.

I think I might talk about this more in another blogpost, and ask my friends more about how I was. To be honest, though, the incremental changes are occurring at a very S-L-O-W rate, that people don't notice. The changes are so small that sometimes it makes very little difference. But I think about how much better I am at expressing myself now, compared to the DSA interview I had when I was 12, and how I'm so much more comfortable around people I'm not familiar with. Even though these changes don't seem to mean much on the outside, it's perceptible to me, and it helps.

Latest music fascination:

Yeah, the usual, just press play and turn it on while you're reading the rest of this blogpost :)

Pffft the other day I had a ton of blog ideas... and they all disappear the minute I open this browser heh. *sheepish* okay off the top of my head they are:

1. My mum. My relationship with her and her relationship with her mum

2. Being gay and "flamboyancy"-- while I have no experience with this, but it's been talked about of late. And also in respect to pinkdot.

3. A response to: "Chicago was so crude! And there was no rotating platform :(" A real quote from a classmate who went to chicago and... expected fancy musical stuff. I have the feeling people go just because it's a) expensive b) talked-about c) makes you look classy

This can't be helped, I suppose.

4. I'm still trying to grasp the fact that normal adults have responsible sex and it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

5. There are so many things-- volunteering shmuck going on this year and I can't go for them :( this probably sums the post up, really- I'm just going to be whiny again, so that's not very interesting.

6. Yes, I've been liking girls of late. I like boys too. There isn't going to be any official statement on this because I don't know myself (the precise term is "questioning") So I'm just going to continue liking girls and boys and being shaky on the Kinsey scale, and that's that.

7. Socialising and networking: their benefits in Web 2.0 world and the fine line between networking and selling out.

8. Why NS scares the shit out of me, even though I don't have to do it.

That's about it, I think. I've been keeping a list of video ideas in my notebook, because I usually come up with some and go "eureka!" but I have no time to actually _film/edit_ things, so the list is for when I've no inspiration but lots of time. I should keep a blog idea list too! And pre-write a couple! #sneaky For Beda in august, when I probably won't have time or ideas.

hello.

We're off from school today, in lieu of the labour day public holiday.

My sister is mad at me for unplugging her ipod from the macbook.

She's watching E! entertainment reruns now.

Sometimes on days off school she turns on the TV, and it wakes me up... at 11am xD

But not today. I woke up at 7 today, a little later than usual.

Latest music craze:

decided to look them up after they toured with amanda palmer in europe, and I like them! They sound like a combination of the Ting Tings and The XX. Crappy comparisons due to the lack of exposure to dance/ alt music. But they're nice when you need to drown things out.

I was thinking about this last night:

The reason why was so adverse to shrinks (still am) is because I don't want them to know anything about me.

ME: I hate it when shrinks try to probe and find *something* to talk about.

DARRAN: Isn't it their JOB to do that?

And I suppose it is. But I hate it. I hate it when someone I completely don't know asks so many questions (which I usually try to avert with small talk) and sometimes jumps to conclusions, eg: "Let's see if her parents shout a lot, or shout at her a lot, or shout at her dog a lot." Or "Does she have a WORKING MOM, the biggest sin of the 21st century? She does? Jackpot!"

I didn't spend years building an iron fortress 3 feet thick complete with a freaking moat for nothing, you know. The walls are there for a reason, and I don't want just anybody to get in. Once someone penetrates the wall, it's over. You can't go back, because it's out and fixing it will be no use because after the first time, they'll always have the key. Sometimes mercenaries are necessary, or extra fortifications, depending on who I'm talking to. With shrinks, of course, defenses are out in full force.

I just find it very dangerous and scary to tell everything to someone I've just met. And of course sometimes, depending on the kind of shrink you get, he/ she will be able to say "Oh, we haven't gotten anywhere today" or "We'll see you next time, eh?"

However, recently I had to go for a compulsory 4 sessions with a counselor, and at the last session, (oddly) I kind of realised what counselors were for. She was less probing than the others, and didn't mind if I just talked small talk. But for the first 3 sessions I always felt uncomfortable talking to her and it just felt awful, and the whole time I keep thinking-- I have FRIENDS, why do I have to talk to YOU. But then at the last one, I think it helped because she helped me think of things in a different way, you know, an alternative perspective, and she wasn't too bothered about "getting somewhere". Or "making progress", in shrink terms.

And "shrink" as mentioned, multiple times here, refers to a counselor/ therapist/ psychiatrist, but I've only ever been to a counselor.

I need to move! As in, move domain. Not permanently, of course.

Okay in more concrete terms: I need to make a book blog.

So that all my immature ranting will only be confined to this blog, and the blook blog will be more ~controlled and have op eds and be less teary and emotional, you know?

Because ever since Chris Pash commented in JANUARY, I realised that he was privy to EVERYTHING ELSE on here, insane emotional pathetic rantings and all. So for me to be regarded as a credible book blogger, I think I need to move all my posts to somewhere professional. Okay. I in the Future I might be a good book blogger, if I work on it properly. AUGH darn but I need to *actually* have a book blog.

hahaha I've been telling everyone about the book blog but it doesn't even exist. Okay the posts exist, but not the blog itself. I just have to sort everything out on here, shift them to the book blog, learn coding (the biggest hurdle) to make everything pretty and presentable. But you know what will happen? Most likely I'll set up something with the blogger template and then it'll stay that way for a while until I get the coding done. Content first then design. *sigh* I'm also reluctant to make a nice layout when everyone just reads blogs on google reader and other feed aggregators nowadays. And you can't see the layout on google reader.

The funtion of this blog is mostly personal, and it's for me to keep in touch with the four people who read it. That's it. Not for the rest of the interwebs. If you don't happen to be those four people, I have a hunch that you aren't really interested, and won't be, anyway, after reading an entry or two.

This is extremely personal.

Oh damn it's not extremely personal. I just have no idea how to write it, if it makes any sense.

Should I indent like crazy? Just last year I intended this blog to be as public as possible, because of BEDA, but this is actually the first post I'm writing in April, I should think. The 26th of April. April is ending! I turn 18 in three months. According to darran it's 4. BUT WHATEVER I like to round up.

I don't want to turn 18, I want to be 17 forever. I like to feel that the world is at my feet and I have the ~power to conquer all, you know. I like being idealistic and not excessively jaded by the pressures of the outside world. In the past 3 years I've begun to discover that there's a whole new world out there, outside school, outside singapore, where people can do as they please, and not have to suffer the "negative repurcussions" of being "impulsive". There is a world out there where people actually ENJOY what they are studying, and it isn't medicine, engineering or law they are studying. They are people who have day jobs but on the side they're trying their absolute best to much out on their own-- Chris Pash wrote The Last Whale while on his day job. I suppose the point is that I've learnt that there are people out there doing what they like, and putting all their effort into their passions, but they're not regretting the decisions they made, and they're not thinking: "I should have listened to so-and-so, he told me to do study business and be a real estate agent". Even if they're strugglivg, they take this in their stride, and go: "If this is what I want to do, then-- nevermind the critics. I'm not going to sell my soul, or live somebody else's life. This like is mine, and I'll do what I damn well want to."

And this goes up another notch when you actually *meet* somebody with passion and energy , and they are extremely satisfied with what they are doing-- shuian, darran, loki, aseem from Give.sg-- it just makes you so optimistic and hopeful.

I just read hayleyghoover's recent blogpost and Steve Jobs' commencement address at Stamford in 2005 and I have to confess they made me teary-eyed. I think it's because they're saying: "Hang in there, this too shall pass. And when you're out of the tunnel, be sure to listen to yourself, and it will all be better."

I think I'm beginning to enter the most harrowing and trying seven months yet, and after the seven months, I want to be able to come out with my aspirations, my soul and my sanity intact, and not resort to killing something inside me to get through. Damn I'm not even sure I'll get through the other side completely whole, because I'm terrible at handling these things on my own. It's just... here's a heads up to anyone reading this that it will probably go downhill from here, and I'll probably be more angsty than frivolous. I know that if I don't do this properly, I'll have to stay in this shithole for another year, and staying here any longer is not something I can take. And if I do this right, I'll be able to go to Masstricht or Lesley or Macquarie and do anthropology or environmental studies, and actually enjoy learning, something that I only very rarely experience in school nowadays.

The reason why I think I'm better off now than the last time is that I know and have faith that there are people supporting me, or people whom I can rely on for anything. This might seem dramatic, but it's impossible for me to repay these people for how much they've helped in the past two years, and recently as well. I don't think they realise how much I rely on them and how much they mean to me, but I'm extremely thankful and grateful to have such encouraging people around me. It's almost as if this thought itself, and hope, is enough to keep me going and pull me through.

Just HAD to put this up. It's so !!! fun and LGBT and dresden dolls and artistic and pretty :) Link here: http://twitpic.com/1bsbrc

omg I realised why I liked the music video for "Je Suis Une Dolly" so much!

It reminds me of london! The time I went there.

Okay, so the dolly rockers are very obviously pop and not indie at all-- they're signed to Parlophone-- but I still like them. (weakness) The song makes me think of having fun and being out there and not being afraid to muck around. It says: "I'm not afraid to be female, I'm not afraid to dress however I like, I'm not afraid of displaying my art, I'm not afraid to be ME."

Hmm. The way feminism works is that... some hardcore feminists would slam the dolly rockers for "submitting to a man's perception of beauty" by wearing heels and short skirts. On the other end of the feminist spectrum, some might argue that the clothes actually emphasise one's feminity in a society where other females struggle to suppress it. It's a strange contrast, in the video, that all the females in the background are dressed quite conservatively-- long pants, muted colours-- especially regarding the scene at hotel reception where the girl getting mad at them is wearing a long-sleeved work shirt, which is fairly masculine.

I don't think this contrast is deliberate, but if you viewed it as a form of art, it would be saying something about how women are inhibited and hesitant to express their opinions, as compared to men. The comparison to men arises out of the fact that the dolly rockers are female, and this difference automatically sets them apart from the people they're interacting with in the video. It's also interesting to note that the security guards and people trying to block out the camera or get them to stop are almost entirely male, which lends weight to the argument that men are trying to stop women from expressing their true selves.

Conclusion? I don't think the feminist things I pointed out in this video were deliberate on the part of the filmmakers, but it was fun to speculate. And I like it anyway :)

So hai :D music for today will be... Shabazz Palaces!

Ok technically it's in the hip-hop genre, and for most people reading this, hip hop= bad, but give this a try? It's indie hip hop, if you can call it that. They're on the lineup for the Sasquatch Music Festival, the one Tegan and Sara are going to be at. (Plus She and Him, They Might Be Giants, The Mountain Goats, Ok Go, The xx, Band of Horses, i.e. GOOD STUFF.)

Hee. The last post sounded like I was obsessed with Tegan and Sara. Well I am! Mildly.

ach and the reason why I go to borders so much is because I have a giftcard for it. Otherwise I just go to bookmooch/ the library/ geeru for fresh books xD

I've been into music lately. Or rather, anything that can drown out the voices in my head. I don't think I have have Schizophrenia, though. The voices aren't telling me to fight wars and be a matyr. (does anyone get that?) It just keeps all the worry voices quiet and then I can focus on math or chem or bio or whatever it is that I need to focus on. Sometimes the bbc world service works too.

Quite recently I've been having the urge to write. As in, write and write and cover all the walls with my words until I bleed dry. [Alliteration!] I mean, twitter is useful if you feel like you have something to scream to the world, but you only have 140 characters in which to make your point, you know? xD Twitter is a good outlet for the overly obnoxious personality. And also I have to study for common tests, but it seems the more I study (and realise how much I do not know) the less the chance I have of passing.

I want to write and write and tell everybody what I think about THIS and this and this and how everything is epic. This is severely arrogant. But of course, when I get the urge to write, I should milk it for what it's worth. ("To indoctrinate everybody who reads your blog", you might think. "An exercise in egotism." you might think.)

No, actually I have to roll out more material so the new book blog will have something on it. And also so it looks like a ~portfolio for publishers to see and go: "Oh! This kid is Literate! She can form actual Sentences!" and so on. Hopefully.

Before it can be properly unveiled I have to learn coding first, so there can be a link to my Bio and a link to Authors I Liek and maybe a link to a place where I can embed my videos. Things like that. For that to happen my common tests have to be over first, I think. And I need a name! Does anybody have any ideas for NAMES? On the blog will be... book reviews primarily, and sometimes editorials (basically blogs that look professional and say: I think THIS about healthcare/ youtube community/ alternative energy sources/ singapore etc)

I won't be moving over permanently, though. This blog will stay up mainly for personal things, and to keep in touch with you guys <>

okay tchus see you on the other side! :)

hey! put this on for me, will ya? Just hit play, and continue reading. It's good stuff this time.

The fact that they happen to look kind of hot in this video helps too :)

Speaking of Tegan and Sara, the other time I was at the HMV in citylink mall, I went in looking for cds, just because. When I saw Sainthood (their latest album) I almost fainted. This is not an exaggeration! Or maybe xD

BUT! It was displayed near the front, and I was surprised they were so mainstream. As in, when I look for CDs in Borders I have to flip through all the racks, just to find the ones I want. As in SCOUR them and check every CD under the letter of interest-- they're arranged alphabetically-- just to find the good stuff. That's how I found the dresden dolls' and the bird and the bee.

Ohh they're just good.

hello my friends. I'm listening to this now, by the way:

as recommended from a book blog.

(it's not the best music, but it helps drown things out)

I have my GP common test tomorrow, 2.30pm, approximately 12 hours from now.

My mum told me to prepare.

I don't feel like preparing. I don't know. Common sense dictates that I should at least prepare sample questions, so when I pick questions tomorrow it won't seem so scary.

Last year, as evidence for GP, I used to use stuff I read from the anthropology blogs I'm subbed to on Google Reader. No one knows about that evidence, it is obscure yet relevant, the marker thinks I know something, I get the marks. Easy.

Of course it's easy. How can it be hard when your teacher forgets gordon brown's name?

Of course there's the risk that a harder teacher might mark my essay. In which case I'll come up with the most obscure/ treehugger/ vegan/ indie/ hippie/ youtube examples, and crap a little. And, oh, remember to write my conclusion and state the links from paragraph to thesis statement very explicitly.

I sound arrogant.

It's true.

and snarky. that's true too.

It's pointless to engage in a ideological war, yes? I should just do what I'm supposed to.

Had bio tuition today. Teacher told me off for being "listless" and quiet. He said my body language indicated that I didn't feel like being at tuition. wtf what do you expect me to say when I don't know what to say and have no questions to ask? And do you really think I enjoy being in bio tuition? Do I really want to be present when all I really have to do is mug for GP, and you made me miss math remedial? Do I really want to be here when I'm signed up for 2 math tuitions, 2 bio tuitions, 2 chem tuitions and gp tuition?

This shouldn't be a personal attack. But I really don't understand when you say want me to give long answers to your questions. I really don't know any answers, because I haven't studied. Sometimes your questions only warrant short answers. What do you want me to freaking say, if I've haven't studied. What kind of long answers do you want? Do you want essay answers? But your questions aren't essay questions.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY WHEN YOU SAY I'M QUIET

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME

I ALWAYS SAY THE WRONG FREAKING THING

THAT'S WHY I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT, BECAUSE I HAVE COMMON SENSE

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, MAKE UP SHIT AND SPIT IT IN FRONT OF YOU

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY YOU WANT ME TO SPEAK MORE

WOULD I WILLINGLY CONTRIBUTE DRIVEL TO YOUR IDLE CONVERSATIONS

I DON'T LIKE TALKING TO YOU, AND I'M NOT GOING TO PRETEND OTHERWISE

And of course I don't look you in the eye. I don't like you. I never look authority in the eye. I always look down, or to the side. I have poor interpersonal skills. Looking people in the eye creeps me out, especially when you are sitting right across me. What do you want me to do, stare at you for the entire 2 hours? Of course I respect you. That's why I don't look you in the eye.

Yes, of course this is self-justification. What else is it?

hee. this is the kind of chick I wanted to be when I was 11:

On an unrelated note, sometimes I have the creepy feeling that my friends will end up saying these things to me. And we will fall out. After I've done the whole passive-aggressive act, of course.

It's not that I don't trust my friends enough not to do this, I'm just afraid that one day they will decide that they have "grown up" and hence have to make the "practical" decision. There are 2 things at stake if this happens:

1) the relationship between me and hypothetical friend

2) ideals

For one, I would really really like to hang on to this relationship, because the person I'm thinking about is absolutely important to me, and I don't want to have to fall out because of a clash of ideals. Secondly I'm worried that by not listening, I'll be doing the stupid, stubborn, immature thing. Or I might just not listen out of spite. As in I'm worried about being so single-minded that I would make the risky but appealing decision instead of the safe but boring one.

I don't know. People have been threatening that if I don't make the right choice, I will be broke and unemployed. I'm grateful that I've been fortunate enough not to understand what being poor means, but it also means that I have no idea what will await me if I really get in trouble. Heck, I don't even know what "trouble" means.

My mum says it will be hard for me to live without the comforts, i.e. theater/ concerts, vacations, expensive stuff. But her definition of "comfortable", in local terms, means having a car, private apartment, maybe a club membership. I could do without a car. I can't even drive, and most of my car money (if I had money) would go towards college, so that's out of the question. I'm also too much of an idiotic tree-hugger to buy a car and pay for petrol, anyway.

I don't know what a club membership is useful for, except for investment purposes. This is unrelated, but I don't like the people at the clubs, ever since I was small. The kids and the parents are the same. All that's important is to keep up appearances, and to make sure people know you have enough money to go overseas after your O levels. Once you're at school overseas, you can party all you want and major in psychology, so that you can tell people you've got a Degree, although really you've learnt absolutely nothing at all. Also, it's very important to be able to socialise with the right people and get into the right places and go to the fancy dinners.

Back to the point. Although it greatly simplifies things if I just study what I'm interested in finding out more about, the people around me are more concerned with my future, with what I do after I finish uni. For my parents, whatever I do has to make enough money so I am able to support myself, which in my dad's opinion means something professional: medicine/ law/ architecture/ engineering. But there are tons of people who aren't doing the above, and they are getting along just fine-- I suppose we have differing opinions as to what "supporting oneself" means.

If all else fails I could do tuition-- it's practically an industry of its own. It pays better than waiting tables.

"6. the bigger picture.

yesterday i found myself chewing all of this upsetness like a bone in my mind.
i’m also PMSing, and that made things even lovelier.

listen:
in my life and in my work, i’ve made a lot of people angry.

people love to judge.
too feminist. not feminist enough. too outspoken. not outspoken enough. too intellectual.
too dumb. too glam. too underdressed. too funny. not funny enough. too inappropriate. too safe.
wrong kind of funny. marrying my favorite author and now i fucking hate her. fat. irritating. loud.
blah blah blah blah, etc, ad infinitum.

this is something i’ve had to learn to live with.

to get clear, i always have to stop, dig deep within myself and ask:
were my intentions good? could i really stand behind them? was anybody really harmed?
if i’ve actually harmed someone (and the harm isn’t just a drama in their heads), have i owned my responsibility?

when i quiet myself down and find the answer within myself, that’s the most important one.
it speaks louder than the voices outside my head and the anonymous voices on the internet.

it is to this voice you must listen, or you’re FUCKED.

i know a lot of younger people read this blog and i have constant contact with teenagers who are always asking me:
“how do i get brave?”

a lot of that answer lies in situations like these.
when you are forced to sit down, reckon with a situation, listen to people screaming that they hate you, take stock of what you’ve done, look everyone in the eye, tell them what your intentions are, and know that they will either hear and understand you or they will walk away.

and then your job is to not run after them.
your job is to stay calm. your job is continue on with your work.
and the hardest thing, sometimes, is to continue on with your work in a spirit of love, without letting other people’s hate and anger getting the best of you, and turning you into bitter, angry and jaded fuck.

it’s so easy to be afraid. to do nothing. to not make your art, to not follow your calling, your passion, your impulses, to not take any risks for fear of people cutting you down and misunderstanding you.
most people are CONTROLLED by fear, because they’re convinced they’ll do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, write the wrong thing, sing the wrong thing.
those fears are founded. you can see that, here, now.
shit happens, you can upset people.

and you need to do your work anyway, because the world needs you to.

that, i think, is how you get brave."

-Amanda Palmer

This is why she is so inspiring.

full post here: http://blog.amandapalmer.net/post/396762227/evelyn-evelyn-drama-drama

IN RECENT NEWS.

Sarah Rees Brennan, author of The Demon's Lexicon and The Demon's Covenant, is holding a contest for The Demon's Covenant ARCs! (advanced reader copies) SO. There is a VIDEO category, and I think I'm definitely participating. The problem? Most of the book-trailer videos on the tubez at the moment are assembled-with-pretty-editing kind of videos? Like this and this. Those are the ones she recommended as samples. And then there's this (below), which is just pictures and text and music, but the overall effect is really striking and impressive. *is in awe*

wtf and THIS? this? I'm supposed to compete with this!

So anyway. I think I'm up against /fierce/ competition, since 1. I have never made a assembled-clip video 2. I've never made a pretty-picture video 3. I usually make... pathetic vlog videos.

hmm so the question is: Should I go with the flow and make a borrowed picture/clip video, or should I stick to what I know and do a me-in-front-of-camera thing? It would most likely be fancier than normal; no chaotic squeeing, however much I love The Demon's Lexicon xD And even though I might not win the ARC, it's book-promoting and video-editing experience under my belt. Most importantly, Sarah Rees Brennan definitely deserves some loving (wnkbr) because the book is great and in-depth YA fiction NEEDS attention.

I'm participating in the competition; BRING. IT. ON.

it's late, I have things to do, but with the immediacy and distractedness that is the internet, this post is just to chronicle things I've read/ what I've heard of recently.

SO. Big things first.

BestWishesFromNL is considering the state of their channel; given that the girls find it hard to post regularly, would it be best to just end things, since the videos are kind of sporadic at the moment. As in, end with a bang. Although, as inspired by Ze Frank and the founding fathers of nerdfighteria, they would very much like to continue, it's just that they are getting busy, what with school and work and so forth. AND it's very reasonable that they can't find the time-- it's hard to allocate 1-2 hours at a go a week to film and edit a decent video, as experience can attest >.> especially when you're studying for exams.

It would be sad to see BWFNL go, although it's hard to disagree that the situation hasn't changed since the girls started their channel. I think. When they first began they were just getting to know each other, and were very excited by nerdfighteria/ getting to know nerdfighters in NL, so there was more motivation to make videos every week? But now they visit each other a lot and have gatherings and communicate on skype; they're past the "omg we're so excited" stage? So making videos is less of a priority since they can communicate with the other girls not just through videos, but through letters/ hanging out irl.

SECOND

JB Dazen (youtube musician from NL) was talking about what he thought about twitter:
Even Weirder:

Young people dying in the age of Twitter. Reading their trivialities, carelessly unleashed onto the information superhighway, not even 24 hours ago, oblivious of the rapidly approaching and sudden end. I’ve seen it a few times these last days. I should start thinking about every tweet I post. Every single one could be my last, and I could think of a lot of things I wouldn’t want people to read after my sudden passing. At least @arjengrolleman went out on a nice philosophic musing. As if he did know it was his last.

Issue 1: I've always thought about what happened when people on twitter died. What would happen on their page? If you brought your password to your grave, would the twitter moderators edit what is shown on your account? Would they delete your account? How indelible will your mark be on your corner of internet real estate? What if your online friends didn't know you died? And the question JB Dazen raises: "What kind of mark would you leave on the internet?"

Issue 2: The quality of tweets on Twitter, and the function of twitter. There are some who have mentioned before that talking about what you had for lunch on twitter is a very self-indulgent, egoistic act, to have to announce to everyone precisely what you are thinking at precisely that moment.

Exciting exciting exciting NEWS

omg omg omg

(okay tomorrow I won't be as pumped but I guess it's time to MILK it while I can)

I could be a book blogger! As in, a REAL book blogger. All you have to do is contact a publicist from a publishing house, and if they like your blog, they will send you review copies! Or advance reader copies, which are BETTER. eeep I mean you have to have an audience and things, and you have to have reviewed stuff before, but the thing is I HAVE :D

Ok maybe not the audience part, but I've reviewed stuff before and they have gone in the retarded youth section of the sunday paper but STILL that is kind of ish a portfolio! AND if I review stuff from publishing houses I get free books! Which are way better than movie tickets that the paper sometimes forgets to send.

Additional motivation? A few months ago I came across this channel, and the person on it reviews books, and she reviewed something and I was like: "Where the HECK did you get free ARCs?" and she replies, all cool and everything, "Oh, it's nothing, the publishers send them to me."

EEP and it's not even work to me! I love writing reviews I love reading books it's not that hard to hoar myself out on the interwebs (okay it is pretty hard to get an audience but just ignore that part please) And it's... idk I like thinking about books I like going deeper into themes and motifs and going all Lit on it-- it's not _hard_ Heck, if they want me to bootlick them I might even consider it. One year of GP (general paper) has given me all the experience I need to be a sweet-talking smartass. Because! Free BOOKS! (it's the cheap student in me talking) Although. Readers might be a bit skeptical about my reviews if I say even crappy stuff is good... but they WOULDN'T KNOW, right? If they gave me ARCs, it means no one else has got them yet, so no one will know if the book is good or bad!

Though. Seriously. I don't think I'll say I like something if I really don't; I'll be doing enough of that in GP, thanks. Don't need to sell my soul to something else.

More about book bloggers:

What would be your do’s and don’ts for new book bloggers wanting to get in touch with a publicist about requesting a book for review?

I think really the only advice I could give is to show your keenness – try to have reviewed some books off your own back already, because it’s difficult to send out review copies when you can’t see anything that gives you a feel for how that blogger works. If they started their blog six months ago and have only updated once a month, I’m probably going to be a little more hesitant about sending review copies. That said, I will usually always send out at least the first request – if a review never appears, I might think twice the second time…

Also – one thing I would do if I were starting out as a blogger is take advice from some of the girls who run the bigger book blogs, because they’re all very friendly and in the know. Some of my favourites are Waiting on Wednesday and In My Mailbox (this as a v-log is really fun too!)– it brings a nice variety to the blogging format.

an interview with a publicist from Simon and Schuster here: http://bit.ly/6U9mpE

After watching this, I suppose it's a good a time as any to write an obligatory end-of-year thank you post. I've been wanting to do this for a couple weeks now, just waiting for the end of year to come, and it has come and gone, so this post slightly overdue. I'm just going to go ahead and mention names but this is always cause for concern because you're worried someone is going to feel left out. HECK it's the one time of the year you're thankful for the people around you, might as well acknowledge them properly. The following is in no particular order.

In 2009, I'm eternally grateful for the people around me, and (dare I say) the books I've read, things I've experienced, and internet memes I've participated in :p

heh ok serious tiemz.

Easy things first! To geeru and michele, thanks for being a phonecall away and for entertaining me when I'm insanely bored/ worried/ angsty. I love being able to squee with you guys about anything, and knowing that you will squee back. Thank you for letting me whine on end. You've always been witty and enjoyable to be around, and even though it's been a little busy this year, I appreciate that you've taken time out to just chat and catch up. Thanks for reminding me to do my math/chem/ various bits of undone work, and for pulling me back on track when my obsessive fangirling gets the better of me. You've always been the loveliest people ever, and I never hug you enough xD, so here's one. *hug*

To POOKY/ mustardrabbit: you've been an awesome friend this year, and I'm amazed we've managed to keep in touch till now. I'm aware tumbleweedrabbits has been revamped, and looking forward to another year of epic photos and videos :) It was a pity I couldn't come see you this year, but in the meantime, we'll still make lots and lots of plans to go tour europe, share an apartment, visit melbourne, etc. I love love love your sense of art and photography, and your tastes <33

To kimberly/ ifancyharrypotter (awesomesauce username, by the way): I never imagined that singaporean nerdfighters existed till I met you. It was so coincidental, the way we met in youtube comments, that I attribute this to good karma. A year ago I could never squee with someone about mugglecast and other nerdfightery things, but now I can. I never knew so much about good tv shows--I'd almost lost faith in good television, but you have convinced me otherwise! The penpal thing was a great idea, and it's so cool to receive stuff in the mail, and basically just lots of handwritten awesome. Good luck for the coming school year, especially with Math-- I'm sure you'll do well :) What do you think about leakycon 2011? ;)

To hailee/ iAmortentia: This time last year I remember being so super excited about the collab channel we were planning :D haha and that time we were kind of certain it would happen... but it didn't. But! In the process of finding participants, we met lots of awesomez people, yes? And I remember being so excited when you youtube-messaged me xD It's been great, looking forward to an email from you every now and then, and writing an email back. I like hearing about your life and school-- it's very interesting to know about how school is like in the US. Cultural exchange, if you will. Although, judging by our interests, it's not as if we're very different from each other :D Looking forward to SKYPE (darn time differences) and more collabs, if you know what I mean ;)

To Anke, Lisette, Lotte, Ilse, Lidewij, Sanne and Jonneke (The bwfnl girls in ORDER :D) It was so so great spending 2009 with you guys. Even if I only started watching in march/ april, getting to sub for your channel made me feel as if I was really participating and contributing to a piece of youtube, so that was awesome. AND I got to know a bunch of other subbers-- princeword/Martin, Zoe, Thekla, who led me to other people... and the rest is history. It's so exciting, learning more about the Netherlands from your channel, and especially spending p4a with the european nerdfighters-- Heleen, Tom, Lidewij.... p4a was mostly better this year because I had a bunch of people to spamwow WITH, and unabashedly hang out together on twitter. Because of you guys, I'm *actually* considering spending a summer in NL/ europe to meet up... and to check out the art/culture/ lifestyle. All the best for videos in 2010, I can't wait for more stuff from your channel! (tbh, yours was one of the few channels that actually survived for the whole year-- other collabs I subscribed to kind of petered out halfway-- YAY for staying power :D)

To Nerdfighteria! and the community, thank you for giving me hope and, to quote a song-- "peace and love and happiness in everything (I) do". Because of you, I've realised that you can be a respectable, working adult and STILL be freaking awesome, and do what you like. Honestly, before this, I thought growing up meant getting a boring job that you hate and not having time to spend on doing what you like. (Naive, I know ><) This meant giving up on producing anything creative, and giving up on being proud of what you do. After meeting people who are actively pursuing their interests, I've realised that majoring in, say, Conservation Biology is a realistic possibility, and now I have a clearer picture of what I'd like to do in the future. To explain, the mindset here/ amongst my peers is that you won't get anywhere unless you pursue a professional degree, i.e. medicine, engineering, finance, architecture, law-- other options are just a waste of money and time. There's also the view that academically strong people take on only these degrees, and the rest aren't as capable. I'm really grateful to Nerdfighteria because you decrease worldsuck, and I'm honoured to be a part of what we stand for :D

--I'm going to start getting synonyms for "awesome", I seem to have a poor vocabulary--

To the people from writer's fest, even though you might not read this, you've made me very happy :) to annjie, shuian, jiamin, loki, darran, debby, kiru, gekyong+ volunteers, you know who you are! Thanks for showing me an amazing time and recommending me lots of books and... eep. It was just very remarkable to have met so many book nerds (like me heh) who read even More than I do, and who believe in bringing writing to the people, and who believe in learning lots about authors, especially from different cultures. I also learnt lots about local writing, and through this/ because of this? I can talk to @sarahcoldheart on twitter, thereby meeting even MORE book people in singapore. You all are incredibly funny and I take immense pleasure in your company, and you've also taught me about... organising things, common sense (of which I am sorely lacking), and working in general. I really hope we can meet up more and partake in entertaining (illicit? xD) activities in the year to come :D

*phew* okay done. covered all the bases.

THANK YOU EVERYONE! *slinks away in drunk stupor*

this is kind of for my own reference, heh. but Delias is having a clearance sale! and it has this:

which is $14 SGD and they have it in my size! when I'm looking for a decent cheap swimsuit. The shipping might cost a lot, though, so I might share with a friend like last time.
Now to look for a bottom... *sigh* they have bottoms my size but they don't match this. Or I could get a bottom first and a matching top-- bottoms start from $4USD=$5.60SGD! Will keep looking.

they have this in clearance too:

at $30USD = $42.15SGD which is quite affordable compared to what's in shops. And it's cotton, so I can wear it in warmer climates ^^

this is $10USD=$14SGD:

and it's kind of-ish nice, but with the price, I'd buy it if I only really had to, to get free shipping or something.

wrockstock shirt! but it's at $15USD=$21SGD which is quite expensive, heh.

the hush sound! I actually like the band, heh. at $6USD=$8.40SGD hmm *considers*

That's it. I might get the swimsuit, though, seeing as it is really hard to get a nice one here. Anyone? Who wants to spree? They have dresses, sandals, lots of graphic tees.

Oh this is such a fluffy way to start 2010 :D

I think, when I read Hunger Games and Catching Fire, I kind of understand how Katniss (protagonist) feels, because I know what it is, to be unsure about how you feel about a person. If I had read the books when I was 12, I would not understand katniss at all-- I would yell at her: "There is a boy who likes you likes you, and you kind of like him back, so why not TAKE HIM?! you stupid girl." I was the type of person who used to think Vicky Austin was triple-timing her guy friends, heh.

I kind of understand her guilt and confusion too, and it's so-- I don't want to have to bother about this, I have other more important situations to deal with, why the heck do I have to think about it at all? Eg you're guilty that someone likes you but you don't like him back, but when you say you don't like him, you know he'll be upset. And you can't stand him being sad, because he used to be/is a great friend. re:Gale. All this when you know you're going to be sent to fight for your life in a month. Poor katniss.

You: nerdfighter!

Stranger: :\

You: you aren't a nerdfighter?

You: srs?

You: *disappointed*

Stranger: what the hell is a Nerdfighter?

You: go google it

You: we fight against worldsuck

Stranger: sorry, my time is too precious

You: we fight with our hearts, our tombones, and our calculators

You: we took over youtube on dec17th and 18th

You: you should become a nerdfighter. we are recruiting

Stranger: err

You: really. we are.