what is this!
I'm subscribed to at least 10 nerdfighters on google reader, and only maureen johnson and john green have updated today?! I suppose everyone has their days. And I missed two days so far, heh so it's a bit "look who's talking."

And I suppose that short paragraph is going to show up first on the blog previews, darn.

Today I will talk about friends! Not the um, tv show.
So, again, I will start with a quote. (cut and pasting ftw!)
A while ago, john green blogged this:

"Q. If not fame, what *do* you recommend to fill up the empty spaces inside?

A. Well, the reason people think fame will fill up the empty spaces inside them is because we want to be acknowledged and loved and cared for. Like, say that someone breaks your heart. The pain of that heartbreak is so real and so profound and so deeply felt, and you want other people to acknowledge it. And it feels like if millions of people cared enough about you to read about your heartbreak in US Weekly, then you could bear it. The holes inside would be filled by the thoughts and attention of strangers.

But in fact this does not work. It's a snake oil cure. The only thing, in my experience at least, that fills up the empty spaces is caring for other people and allowing them to care for us."

And this got me thinking. I feel whole and lovely and warm inside when I spend time talking with my friends, but sometimes I think I take them for granted. Because I've been in a new school for about three months now, and my new classmates are really really awesome, even if I don't really know them well enough yet. We slog through homework together, have lunch together, look out for each other and generally help each other through school.

But sometimes I feel guilty that I've been mollycoddled by my friends because they always remind me to do stuff, or do favors for the class, and I don't reciprocate at all. And to a certain extent, I feel bad if someone has to do something for me-- say lend me his/her things, or carry stuff for me, or even wait for me outside the bathroom. (I swear this is a culture-specific thing) I think about it and I really don't give a second thought when I do this for my other friends, so it shouldn't be much bother for the person doing it, but I really feel bad if someone has to do something for me. And it made me think of the "allowing them to care for us" bit.

I'm a bit iffy when it comes to affection/ the demonstration of it. Not in the romantic way, mind, but when someone does something nice for you. Like I'm comfortable if someone I know well does it, but I'm not comfortable if someone I just got to know does it. (eg opens the door for you) A while ago I was feeling bad about needing people to help me out (I even feel bad when someone has to wait for me to do something) and I wanted to be more independent and less reliant on others. A little like not allowing others to show that they care.

I was wondering if this was a pride thing, and I'm not sure myself, but I feel awful when people have to help me. (mmm for example that time I was travelling in a school group and someone had to help me check in at the airport because I was too noob to do it properly.) Although. I think it is a pride thing, because during those times I feel embarrassed at my own deficiencies, and less sorry for the person. And I used to go: "Am I too fussy/ demanding/ slow?" and then the person responding has to say "No", right? out of politeness, which makes the question the dumbest one to ask because it only serves to reaffirm your arrogance.

So, um, Revelation! I have discovered I am too proud to let others "care for me", and until I learn to stop being proud, the empty spaces will not be filled.