The music room
hello(:
Thursday, June 06, 2013
Monday, June 03, 2013
coursera progress
I'm falling off the wagon for my coursera courses that are going on right now; the climate change one (that is very geog and less social science) and I haven't even looked at the calculus one. So the question I've been thinking of all day is what to do; my anthropology reading or work for my climate change class? I'm only worrying about it because there's a quiz due and I kind of want to do it because it will make me feel better; that I'm achieving something other than counting money, washing dishes, or making sandwiches all day.
But it's due 7pm tomorrow which means I need to do it now, because I have work from 12pm-11pm tomorrow. I can't do it tomorrow morning because I will literally wake up just before work and be very mad at myself because I didn't do any studying. And I haven't done any studying since I started at this new job.
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ok I've showered, and spent ages in the toilet cutting my fringe. It is very short now. I like it. I might cut it shorter.
I'm not going to bother about the quiz. it's not happening.
But it's due 7pm tomorrow which means I need to do it now, because I have work from 12pm-11pm tomorrow. I can't do it tomorrow morning because I will literally wake up just before work and be very mad at myself because I didn't do any studying. And I haven't done any studying since I started at this new job.
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ok I've showered, and spent ages in the toilet cutting my fringe. It is very short now. I like it. I might cut it shorter.
I'm not going to bother about the quiz. it's not happening.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
stressed
mum sent me a text saying "What have U been doing"
and I'm panicking because I don't know what to say and I don't know how to answer something that is acceptable to her and I don't like it when my mum asks me this question because when I answer her and answer with a truth she won't be happy.
I DON'T WANT TO COME OUT STOP TRYING TO TELL ME TO COME OUT FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU DON'T KNOW THE RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH MY PARENTS I STILL WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE AND HAVE A BED TO SLEEP IN THANK YOU VERY MUCH
Things my parents pay for:
my food
my room in london
therapy which is $150 an hour
college tuition, about £11 000
when I go out with friends; basically pocket money
new clothes
transport
driving lessons
fixing my laptop; $800
Therefore it is in my interests to keep my parents happy and not give them reasons to cut me off.
and I'm panicking because I don't know what to say and I don't know how to answer something that is acceptable to her and I don't like it when my mum asks me this question because when I answer her and answer with a truth she won't be happy.
I DON'T WANT TO COME OUT STOP TRYING TO TELL ME TO COME OUT FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU DON'T KNOW THE RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH MY PARENTS I STILL WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE AND HAVE A BED TO SLEEP IN THANK YOU VERY MUCH
Things my parents pay for:
my food
my room in london
therapy which is $150 an hour
college tuition, about £11 000
when I go out with friends; basically pocket money
new clothes
transport
driving lessons
fixing my laptop; $800
Therefore it is in my interests to keep my parents happy and not give them reasons to cut me off.
Thursday, May 09, 2013
past volunteering
I've been blogging on this platform since I was 11. (that sounds more impressive than saying 10 years. I don't know. whichever.) fuck. has it been 10 years? jeez. I started hpzlotrz when I was in p5. That's 2003.
I just. Okay so I watch this
and jack conte describes how he worked 19 hour days, for weeks to make this video. And in the comments he says that it isn't work, because he likes it so much.
I don't know what I like. I don't know at all. There's nothing that I like.
When I just finished JC I knew what I liked. I liked volunteering at arts events. Admittedly I got a bit bored at M1 Fringe. But I still liked volunteering. And I started again in april 2012, on BABEL, and I liked that. I resented the long hours, but I still liked it. Then Bum Bum Train in august, for a few months. That was the longest time I'd ever been involved in a project. I enjoyed that. But towards the end I knew I wanted some compensation and I didn't really feel like turning up. Then SWF 2012 just because I wanted something to occupy my time. That's when I really felt it. That's when I realised I didn't want to do it anymore, for no pay. I wasn't the same person I was in 2009, I'd experienced things, things changed, I didn't like it. I even did Literally 9 in March 2013. That was the last straw. I thought I would like it, but I didn't. It didn't help that we were scheduled to be outside venues and we couldn't really watch things.
Things that I don't like about volunteering:
1. not being able to see the performance. You don't understand what you're volunteering _for_.
2. not being paid. I don't know; a part-time commitment is fine, but not for bum bum train or BABEL hours. it's dumb. every day for 8-10 hours. I liked that I got $110 worth of kino vouchers from SWF though, that was nice. And food.
3. Doing things that I have done before. It's not satisfying, or stretching, to be doing things you've done before. Or doing the same thing over and over again. I think after a while it's helpful to switch people around in volunteer/ entry level positions every now and again. Helps with boredom, and makes you feel like you're learning something or acquiring new skills.
I just. Okay so I watch this
and jack conte describes how he worked 19 hour days, for weeks to make this video. And in the comments he says that it isn't work, because he likes it so much.
I don't know what I like. I don't know at all. There's nothing that I like.
When I just finished JC I knew what I liked. I liked volunteering at arts events. Admittedly I got a bit bored at M1 Fringe. But I still liked volunteering. And I started again in april 2012, on BABEL, and I liked that. I resented the long hours, but I still liked it. Then Bum Bum Train in august, for a few months. That was the longest time I'd ever been involved in a project. I enjoyed that. But towards the end I knew I wanted some compensation and I didn't really feel like turning up. Then SWF 2012 just because I wanted something to occupy my time. That's when I really felt it. That's when I realised I didn't want to do it anymore, for no pay. I wasn't the same person I was in 2009, I'd experienced things, things changed, I didn't like it. I even did Literally 9 in March 2013. That was the last straw. I thought I would like it, but I didn't. It didn't help that we were scheduled to be outside venues and we couldn't really watch things.
Things that I don't like about volunteering:
1. not being able to see the performance. You don't understand what you're volunteering _for_.
2. not being paid. I don't know; a part-time commitment is fine, but not for bum bum train or BABEL hours. it's dumb. every day for 8-10 hours. I liked that I got $110 worth of kino vouchers from SWF though, that was nice. And food.
3. Doing things that I have done before. It's not satisfying, or stretching, to be doing things you've done before. Or doing the same thing over and over again. I think after a while it's helpful to switch people around in volunteer/ entry level positions every now and again. Helps with boredom, and makes you feel like you're learning something or acquiring new skills.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
small things
Today at work I figured out how to use ARRAYFORMULA function with google help and ms excel. I'm quite proud of myself. Boss asked me to try and try again, and was specific about his requirements, and I wouldn't have tried as hard and would have just done it manually if it was a personal project.
So.
Lesson learnt #1: How to use excel better.
Lesson learnt #2: I can do something easier and more efficiently if I keep trying different ways. I don't have to rely on using the old way when it's more time consuming to do so. I don't have to settle with an inconvenience when I can change the situation. It might be hard to learn how to use the different way, or to find an easier way, but it will be worth it afterwards when repeating the same action.
(continuing on monday 25 Feb)
I'm also proud of the fact that I turned up early at 9.30am and got up at 7.45 to shower. Pretty stoked. It''s the little things, but a few weeks ago I kept on beating myself up about it and felt crappy as a consequence. I acknowledge that I have the ability to wake up early and I have written down instances where I wake up early. But sometimes there are lapses and I have to allow myself to lapse or recognize that I will lapse if I'm not committed enough to make it on time. I will also lapse if my body clock is messed up, so I have to put in effort to regulate my body clock.
I have to realize that beating myself up about being late is not going to change anything. I can't berate myself until I'm early; I can't turn back time. If I'm late or I missed a meeting, I can't do anything to change it. It's done. I can only change the next time I'm supposed to be there, or I can turn up anyway.
So.
Lesson learnt #1: How to use excel better.
Lesson learnt #2: I can do something easier and more efficiently if I keep trying different ways. I don't have to rely on using the old way when it's more time consuming to do so. I don't have to settle with an inconvenience when I can change the situation. It might be hard to learn how to use the different way, or to find an easier way, but it will be worth it afterwards when repeating the same action.
(continuing on monday 25 Feb)
I'm also proud of the fact that I turned up early at 9.30am and got up at 7.45 to shower. Pretty stoked. It''s the little things, but a few weeks ago I kept on beating myself up about it and felt crappy as a consequence. I acknowledge that I have the ability to wake up early and I have written down instances where I wake up early. But sometimes there are lapses and I have to allow myself to lapse or recognize that I will lapse if I'm not committed enough to make it on time. I will also lapse if my body clock is messed up, so I have to put in effort to regulate my body clock.
I have to realize that beating myself up about being late is not going to change anything. I can't berate myself until I'm early; I can't turn back time. If I'm late or I missed a meeting, I can't do anything to change it. It's done. I can only change the next time I'm supposed to be there, or I can turn up anyway.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
doctor stuff
Talked to my doctor today. Or rather my therapist.
it's so funny that I signed a confidentiality agreement and then I broadcast everything on the internet. WELL.
anyway. We talked about my sleep schedule. It needs some work.
we talked about my mum. It's not the first time she's told me that me and my mum's motivations are different. Oh man I've probably talked about this to other therapists too, this problem. Or to her. Anyway it's an issue I've discussed before. She tells me the same thing, that I have motivations/goals too; they're just different from my mum's. well.
(I need to write about this when it's not 5am in the morning, otherwise I'll work myself up into negativity)
it's so funny that I signed a confidentiality agreement and then I broadcast everything on the internet. WELL.
anyway. We talked about my sleep schedule. It needs some work.
we talked about my mum. It's not the first time she's told me that me and my mum's motivations are different. Oh man I've probably talked about this to other therapists too, this problem. Or to her. Anyway it's an issue I've discussed before. She tells me the same thing, that I have motivations/goals too; they're just different from my mum's. well.
(I need to write about this when it's not 5am in the morning, otherwise I'll work myself up into negativity)
Thursday, January 24, 2013
how long bleaching my hair takes
10 min- separating hair, mixing bleach, cutting foils
15 min- putting the bleach on
30 min- waiting
15 min- washing the bleach out
15 min- drying hair
15 min- putting a 2nd coat of bleach
30 min- waiting
10 min- washing it out + conditioner
Total: 2h 20min.
15 min- putting the bleach on
30 min- waiting
15 min- washing the bleach out
15 min- drying hair
15 min- putting a 2nd coat of bleach
30 min- waiting
10 min- washing it out + conditioner
Total: 2h 20min.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
twitter overspill
I'm sorry. the nature of social media is that I feel compelled to tweet every single thought that goes into my head. Therefore I'm diverting the excess to here.
urgh I don't know what to do with myself right now that will please all the people asking AND myself.
I can't help every cause in the world I only have mindspace for a few sorry if I'm not socially conscious enough for you
I hate how I've been conditioned to slutshame.
google ads keeps giving me ads for short-term lets in london now. hahahaha. hahahhah. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sunday, January 13, 2013
why I don't like the gym.
My dad keeps asking me to go to the gym, telling me that "I will feel better".
I mean I understand that exercise releases endorphins but I don't like the gym because
1. It smells.
2. I'm constantly comparing myself to the person next to me.
3. there are mirrors and if I look at myself while exercising I feel fat/ugly compared to other girls.
4. I don't understand the point of exercising just to be fit. You can be fit by doing something more interesting and useful, like dancing or playing basketball or rock climbing or being a production runner or doing the cleaning.
5. I don't want to exercise and think about losing weight. I don't want to think about my weight at all or have a "goal" because then I will get stressed about eating. If I get stressed enough I can make myself not eat.
6. I can't really have a goal to lose 100 pounds because I WEIGH 100 pounds.
7. The last time I lost weight because of a lack of appetite I was worried because I could feel my pants becoming loose, and it was only 2-3kg that I lost.
8. The ankle which I sprained in october feels like it's acting up, and I don't want to make it worse.
I mean I understand that exercise releases endorphins but I don't like the gym because
1. It smells.
2. I'm constantly comparing myself to the person next to me.
3. there are mirrors and if I look at myself while exercising I feel fat/ugly compared to other girls.
4. I don't understand the point of exercising just to be fit. You can be fit by doing something more interesting and useful, like dancing or playing basketball or rock climbing or being a production runner or doing the cleaning.
5. I don't want to exercise and think about losing weight. I don't want to think about my weight at all or have a "goal" because then I will get stressed about eating. If I get stressed enough I can make myself not eat.
6. I can't really have a goal to lose 100 pounds because I WEIGH 100 pounds.
7. The last time I lost weight because of a lack of appetite I was worried because I could feel my pants becoming loose, and it was only 2-3kg that I lost.
8. The ankle which I sprained in october feels like it's acting up, and I don't want to make it worse.
Monday, January 07, 2013
My therapist told me to journal. So I'm doing that. I've been doing lots of tumblr posts lately talking about myself. Talking about yourself seems dumb on tumblr when 90% of it are reblogs so I won't do that today.
Why are you frustrated?
I don't like being in this poky hot room. But it's not hot anymore. I just feel prickly because I had a yuanyang at 10pm.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
what I did today/night
1. went through my yahoo inbox to reply job people
2. went through RAM and sent emails
3. looked up TEFL stuff
4. edited profile on couchsurfing
5. retrieved photos from S.S. (whom I will never work with again, note to self)
6. filled out amanda palmer's SMILE form
7. showered
8. microwaved dinner
sigh I need to do things. like real things.
2. went through RAM and sent emails
3. looked up TEFL stuff
4. edited profile on couchsurfing
5. retrieved photos from S.S. (whom I will never work with again, note to self)
6. filled out amanda palmer's SMILE form
7. showered
8. microwaved dinner
sigh I need to do things. like real things.
Friday, July 20, 2012
you see I COULD just not go to the classes and spend all my parents' money on shopping or partying or whatever while I'm in chicago, but I'm not doing that. I have not skipped a single class in the 1.5 weeks I'm here. That's a record, considering how much shit we have to do for each class and how far I'm falling behind/ have already fallen behind.
but there was a paper due 15 minutes ago and I don't think I'll submit it till 12 tonight or something. I also haven't put a question on the discussion board, as instructed. Reasons: I haven't finished the novel we were supposed to finish last week. I'm only halfway through the novel we're doing this week. The paper questions are on the novel we did last week and the novel we did this week. I am fucking screwed. I have not read either novel closely enough to answer the prompts. The prompts are nothing like what we've talked about in class. I have taken notes on what we've been doing in class, but they don't really help.
I don't want to do the paper because I have no idea what to write about, and it's 4-6 pp, which, according to ask.com, is 1000 words. I have trouble writing 1000 words on a normal basis, much less in a few hours. I don't know where the fuck he gets the prompts from, tbh.
I don't want to do the paper and I don't want to go to classes I don't want to do the reading because I'm so far behind.
I hate going to class because sometimes I'm lost because I haven't done the reading. I haven't done the reading because I have crap time management and I spend most of my day sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I don't know how the hell other people finish the reading. I am frustrated.
I am not academically inclined at all and I'm not meant for this I can't cope ok there's a reason why all the colleges/universities that I applied to last year rejected me.
I don't want to go to school anymore.
I don't know how to write this paper or where to start and I have a strange feeling that if I just sat at home and didn't go to class and made my own notes on the novel I would have had more success with these fucking prompts than if I actually went to class. I don't want to go to class anymore we're supposed to talk in class fuck that. I didn't say anything in class last lesson because I had nothing of worth to contribute to the discussion and I have talking-in-class issues that I've had ok and it just makes me anxious. I'm sitting in class being anxious about the fact that I haven't finished the reading and the need to talk just makes me more anxious and if I get too anxious I will have to walk out of the class and I don't really want to do that.
I don't care if this is a good university or not. The credits I'm getting from this won't mean anything. It won't contribute to my degree in london. I don't even want to go to a "good" university. I don't want to go to university anymore. I don't care. It doesn't matter. I'm sick of school I'm lousy at it what is the point of investing so much money into a lost cause I don't understand.
but there was a paper due 15 minutes ago and I don't think I'll submit it till 12 tonight or something. I also haven't put a question on the discussion board, as instructed. Reasons: I haven't finished the novel we were supposed to finish last week. I'm only halfway through the novel we're doing this week. The paper questions are on the novel we did last week and the novel we did this week. I am fucking screwed. I have not read either novel closely enough to answer the prompts. The prompts are nothing like what we've talked about in class. I have taken notes on what we've been doing in class, but they don't really help.
I don't want to do the paper because I have no idea what to write about, and it's 4-6 pp, which, according to ask.com, is 1000 words. I have trouble writing 1000 words on a normal basis, much less in a few hours. I don't know where the fuck he gets the prompts from, tbh.
I don't want to do the paper and I don't want to go to classes I don't want to do the reading because I'm so far behind.
I hate going to class because sometimes I'm lost because I haven't done the reading. I haven't done the reading because I have crap time management and I spend most of my day sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I don't know how the hell other people finish the reading. I am frustrated.
I am not academically inclined at all and I'm not meant for this I can't cope ok there's a reason why all the colleges/universities that I applied to last year rejected me.
I don't want to go to school anymore.
I don't know how to write this paper or where to start and I have a strange feeling that if I just sat at home and didn't go to class and made my own notes on the novel I would have had more success with these fucking prompts than if I actually went to class. I don't want to go to class anymore we're supposed to talk in class fuck that. I didn't say anything in class last lesson because I had nothing of worth to contribute to the discussion and I have talking-in-class issues that I've had ok and it just makes me anxious. I'm sitting in class being anxious about the fact that I haven't finished the reading and the need to talk just makes me more anxious and if I get too anxious I will have to walk out of the class and I don't really want to do that.
I don't care if this is a good university or not. The credits I'm getting from this won't mean anything. It won't contribute to my degree in london. I don't even want to go to a "good" university. I don't want to go to university anymore. I don't care. It doesn't matter. I'm sick of school I'm lousy at it what is the point of investing so much money into a lost cause I don't understand.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
hello world.
My name is Nicole.
I am queer.
I just fucked up my first year of university and I have to repeat it.
I'm now doing summer school at this big university in the US and I'm not doing the work for it, because I feel like crap. I complained to my family that I was having trouble finishing the work and they just looked annoyed and disappointed and my sister told me to "speed-read". I don't feel capable of doing anything.
I haven't told my mum that I fucked up my first year.
I am turning 20 in august.
I am a life model.
I just traveled halfway across the world to go to a harry potter convention, and to see this girl that I like a lot.
She may not like me back.
I waited 9 months to see her for something that may or may not happen.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
I don't have any pets.
I am not living independently, but off my parent's money. I paid for the flight, hotel and registration to LeakyCon with my own money from working. Mum is paying for my summer school, because she insisted on me going.
I was studying anthropology. I have no idea what I'm going to do after my degree. My original plan was to do an MA, and decide after that. But with my current track record, I'm not even sure if my parents will continue funding my study in London or if they are willing to fund an MA in social anthropology or a related field.
I am not actively trying to make friends at this summer school because doing something for the sake of socializing stresses me out. I also never manage to finish the reading assigned for each lesson. The other kids in my class do. I think I am stupid. My parents asked if I had made any friends when I called. I said no. That I'm expected to make friends stresses me out.
I don't want to go to school anymore. I am sick of school. I don't want to go to school for at least 3 years. I think I will work in those 3 years, and do an entry-level service job.
I don't think I am suited for school. I was supposed to repeat J1, then J2. I had to take my A levels twice. I took my SATs 3 times. I got accepted into a uni in the UK, where they don't even look at my SAT scores. I don't know why I took them.
I am queer.
I just fucked up my first year of university and I have to repeat it.
I'm now doing summer school at this big university in the US and I'm not doing the work for it, because I feel like crap. I complained to my family that I was having trouble finishing the work and they just looked annoyed and disappointed and my sister told me to "speed-read". I don't feel capable of doing anything.
I haven't told my mum that I fucked up my first year.
I am turning 20 in august.
I am a life model.
I just traveled halfway across the world to go to a harry potter convention, and to see this girl that I like a lot.
She may not like me back.
I waited 9 months to see her for something that may or may not happen.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
I don't have any pets.
I am not living independently, but off my parent's money. I paid for the flight, hotel and registration to LeakyCon with my own money from working. Mum is paying for my summer school, because she insisted on me going.
I was studying anthropology. I have no idea what I'm going to do after my degree. My original plan was to do an MA, and decide after that. But with my current track record, I'm not even sure if my parents will continue funding my study in London or if they are willing to fund an MA in social anthropology or a related field.
I am not actively trying to make friends at this summer school because doing something for the sake of socializing stresses me out. I also never manage to finish the reading assigned for each lesson. The other kids in my class do. I think I am stupid. My parents asked if I had made any friends when I called. I said no. That I'm expected to make friends stresses me out.
I don't want to go to school anymore. I am sick of school. I don't want to go to school for at least 3 years. I think I will work in those 3 years, and do an entry-level service job.
I don't think I am suited for school. I was supposed to repeat J1, then J2. I had to take my A levels twice. I took my SATs 3 times. I got accepted into a uni in the UK, where they don't even look at my SAT scores. I don't know why I took them.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
I keep fucking up
I don't know
I keep mentioning the fact that I have to repeat my first year of anthropology to myself, like I don't want myself to forget it. I don't like it. I don't feel as poopy as I did when I first got the news a week ago, but I still feel poopy.
I don't know.
I don't know why I'm doing this course because it won't earn me anything at goldsmiths. It's so weird here and I don't like it. My usual modus operandi is to be super optimistic or to bluff myself that I'm super optimistic. I'm not trying to be positive at all for this trip.
I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to go to school for a while. Not just a year, like 5 years. I don't think I'm good at school. I think I'm shit at school. I've been shit at school since sec 2/3. That was 2006. it's been 6 years now. Time to move on. Constructively speaking if I want to quit school I have to move back to sg, but then I also have to not live with my parents because they would stop supporting me if I quit school. Then I have to think about paying rent. I think the first few months will be kind of ok, I have savings, but I would need to get a job. um. It's hard to get a job both in london and in singapore but in sg, you would get something in the end.
When I say things like this people say "oh, it'll get better" "you're stronger than this", which I think is bullshit because they're not taking me seriously. I'm not good at school at all. I don't think my mother understands this. I am not made for school. If you have a history of fucking up it's clearly a sign to say that you shouldn't be in university.
There are only so many times you can fuck up, right?
I don't want to go to school here and I don't want to go to class because every time I walk through the campus I remind myself that I'm too shit to get into this school on my own merit, and that I don't deserve to be here. Then I have to do the whole social thing which makes me anxious, and this is in addition to the anxiety/stress I feel from having to keep ahead or on top of things
I keep mentioning the fact that I have to repeat my first year of anthropology to myself, like I don't want myself to forget it. I don't like it. I don't feel as poopy as I did when I first got the news a week ago, but I still feel poopy.
I don't know.
I don't know why I'm doing this course because it won't earn me anything at goldsmiths. It's so weird here and I don't like it. My usual modus operandi is to be super optimistic or to bluff myself that I'm super optimistic. I'm not trying to be positive at all for this trip.
I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to go to school for a while. Not just a year, like 5 years. I don't think I'm good at school. I think I'm shit at school. I've been shit at school since sec 2/3. That was 2006. it's been 6 years now. Time to move on. Constructively speaking if I want to quit school I have to move back to sg, but then I also have to not live with my parents because they would stop supporting me if I quit school. Then I have to think about paying rent. I think the first few months will be kind of ok, I have savings, but I would need to get a job. um. It's hard to get a job both in london and in singapore but in sg, you would get something in the end.
When I say things like this people say "oh, it'll get better" "you're stronger than this", which I think is bullshit because they're not taking me seriously. I'm not good at school at all. I don't think my mother understands this. I am not made for school. If you have a history of fucking up it's clearly a sign to say that you shouldn't be in university.
There are only so many times you can fuck up, right?
I don't want to go to school here and I don't want to go to class because every time I walk through the campus I remind myself that I'm too shit to get into this school on my own merit, and that I don't deserve to be here. Then I have to do the whole social thing which makes me anxious, and this is in addition to the anxiety/stress I feel from having to keep ahead or on top of things
Friday, June 29, 2012
expectations
Memolane is this thing that sends me emails of things I tweeted 1 year ago and 2 years ago. Yesterday it sent me a tweet that had this amanda palmer blogpost in it, and I said something akin to "Have faith in yourselves!". I reread the blogpost, and my major takeaway is something different.
I don't know. I think my self of 2 years ago was so optimistic. I'm optimistic now, but in a more... pragmatic manner? I am not feeling that starry-eyed joy anymore that I felt from doing things. Or if I do, it lasts a lot shorter, and I'm reminded that the thing I just got happy about isn't really all that. haha I don't know if it's the anthropology speaking, but I am compelled to make myself see both sides of a situation, and so I don't just see the happy side. I've also partied a lot more in the two years since, and now I don't think that much of parties anymore. Which is great! I've got the partying out of my system.
The bit that most stands out to me, upon my more recent reading, is this:
"your expectations of YOUR LIFE from when you were 12 years old, 15 years old, 25 years old, they will gnaw and haunt you. no doubt.
every love you left, every love you never chased, every career path you didn’t follow, every instrument you didn’t practice, every time you kept your mouth shut and should have spoken up, every time you said too much.
but none of that exists NOW. it’s gone, over, non-existant.
the same way your parents’ expectations haunt you. and your teachers and the noise of cultural expectations haunt you.
all these voices in your head bicker and argue and obscure the real key to freedom:
your ability to stand still and ask:
who do i want to be
and what do i want to do
RIGHT. NOW.
?
you can live in a free country, but you’re not free unless you allow your own fucking self to be free IN THIS MOMENT, here, NOW, and not locked up in the dreams of your past, or the potential regrets of the future."
It really resonates with me.
When I was 10 years old I wanted to be a genetic scientist. I was literally brought up to believe that my purpose for going to school was to be able to go to a prestigious university and to study something fancy and be a researcher/ doctor/ lawyer/ architect etc. When I was 18, I still believed this, that I was supposed to put into practice what I had wanted all those years ago. That I'm letting my past self down, my parents down, my education down. Being in the gifted programme and having the a government bursary for all those years, and being in RG, constantly reminds you that you are "lucky" to have these things, and you should not let the education system down by failing, and doing badly in school. I felt disappointed in myself for not fulfilling these expectations.
The above quote argues that the expectations that you had of yourself in the past and that people have of you are not relevant, and what matters most is what you want of yourself now.
It's just a bit strange, though, because when you have different experiences, your expectations change, and you want different things. Long-term planning has no place in this model. For example, undergraduate study needs you to decide on something and commit yourself to it for 3-4 years. Your expectations might change within that few years, but it's not feasible to keep jumping off the wagon and doing something different.
I don't know. In my opinion, if I changed my major now, it would be a waste of my time. I know lots of people switch unis or courses in their second year, and started over. I don't think that's for me. It was hard enough for me to decide on a course to do, and to have to decide again would be too much effort for too little gain. But of course my expectations haven't really changed when I decided that I would study BA Anthropology. On the contrary, studying in my first year convinced me that I really liked the subject, and that this was the right way to go.
I don't really know what I expect of myself now, though. This is the bit which made me think. I do not have many expectations, as long as I liked what I studied, it would be okay. Perhaps my expectation of myself at this moment is to just stick it and hopefully get my degree in a few years. Keep volunteering at theatre things because it is one of the activities that makes me feel like not wanting to off myself, keep life modeling for the money, and for the sense of body peace. I don't hate my body so much now, and I feel proud of myself when I've successfully held a hard pose and not given up. I'm trying to convince myself that the ridiculous emailing, record-keeping, and bureaucracy is good training if I ever need to be a freelancer when I graduate.
Thinking about what I want and why I want them is helpful, I guess.
My dad asks me why I put in ridiculous hours to "work for free". The hours were just bad on one project, but on that one I experienced a great sense of camaraderie and teamwork that made me feel better about myself and not so shitty. Sitting alone in a quiet room when you're supposed to study for weeks on end can make you feel shitty. I didn't really have anyone to talk to because the people in my flat don't really do that, and I tried "socialising" but it just made me feel worse, because I couldn't socialise. Going to things for the sake of socializing felt stupid.
Volunteering's like... my extracurricular activity. Just like how people play rugby or bridge or table tennis or whatever outside school. Volunteering is what I used to do in singapore, I'm used to it, I'm "good" at it, I feel proud doing it, so I do it here in london for a sense of continuity. Do most people who play sport in uni continue to do it professionally? No. Therefore I think it's ok for me to volunteer in an industry, and for it to be completely unrelated to my course at uni.
don't know where I'm going with this. work tomorrow, I'm tired, night.
I don't know. I think my self of 2 years ago was so optimistic. I'm optimistic now, but in a more... pragmatic manner? I am not feeling that starry-eyed joy anymore that I felt from doing things. Or if I do, it lasts a lot shorter, and I'm reminded that the thing I just got happy about isn't really all that. haha I don't know if it's the anthropology speaking, but I am compelled to make myself see both sides of a situation, and so I don't just see the happy side. I've also partied a lot more in the two years since, and now I don't think that much of parties anymore. Which is great! I've got the partying out of my system.
The bit that most stands out to me, upon my more recent reading, is this:
"your expectations of YOUR LIFE from when you were 12 years old, 15 years old, 25 years old, they will gnaw and haunt you. no doubt.
every love you left, every love you never chased, every career path you didn’t follow, every instrument you didn’t practice, every time you kept your mouth shut and should have spoken up, every time you said too much.
but none of that exists NOW. it’s gone, over, non-existant.
the same way your parents’ expectations haunt you. and your teachers and the noise of cultural expectations haunt you.
all these voices in your head bicker and argue and obscure the real key to freedom:
your ability to stand still and ask:
who do i want to be
and what do i want to do
RIGHT. NOW.
?
you can live in a free country, but you’re not free unless you allow your own fucking self to be free IN THIS MOMENT, here, NOW, and not locked up in the dreams of your past, or the potential regrets of the future."
It really resonates with me.
When I was 10 years old I wanted to be a genetic scientist. I was literally brought up to believe that my purpose for going to school was to be able to go to a prestigious university and to study something fancy and be a researcher/ doctor/ lawyer/ architect etc. When I was 18, I still believed this, that I was supposed to put into practice what I had wanted all those years ago. That I'm letting my past self down, my parents down, my education down. Being in the gifted programme and having the a government bursary for all those years, and being in RG, constantly reminds you that you are "lucky" to have these things, and you should not let the education system down by failing, and doing badly in school. I felt disappointed in myself for not fulfilling these expectations.
The above quote argues that the expectations that you had of yourself in the past and that people have of you are not relevant, and what matters most is what you want of yourself now.
It's just a bit strange, though, because when you have different experiences, your expectations change, and you want different things. Long-term planning has no place in this model. For example, undergraduate study needs you to decide on something and commit yourself to it for 3-4 years. Your expectations might change within that few years, but it's not feasible to keep jumping off the wagon and doing something different.
I don't know. In my opinion, if I changed my major now, it would be a waste of my time. I know lots of people switch unis or courses in their second year, and started over. I don't think that's for me. It was hard enough for me to decide on a course to do, and to have to decide again would be too much effort for too little gain. But of course my expectations haven't really changed when I decided that I would study BA Anthropology. On the contrary, studying in my first year convinced me that I really liked the subject, and that this was the right way to go.
I don't really know what I expect of myself now, though. This is the bit which made me think. I do not have many expectations, as long as I liked what I studied, it would be okay. Perhaps my expectation of myself at this moment is to just stick it and hopefully get my degree in a few years. Keep volunteering at theatre things because it is one of the activities that makes me feel like not wanting to off myself, keep life modeling for the money, and for the sense of body peace. I don't hate my body so much now, and I feel proud of myself when I've successfully held a hard pose and not given up. I'm trying to convince myself that the ridiculous emailing, record-keeping, and bureaucracy is good training if I ever need to be a freelancer when I graduate.
Thinking about what I want and why I want them is helpful, I guess.
My dad asks me why I put in ridiculous hours to "work for free". The hours were just bad on one project, but on that one I experienced a great sense of camaraderie and teamwork that made me feel better about myself and not so shitty. Sitting alone in a quiet room when you're supposed to study for weeks on end can make you feel shitty. I didn't really have anyone to talk to because the people in my flat don't really do that, and I tried "socialising" but it just made me feel worse, because I couldn't socialise. Going to things for the sake of socializing felt stupid.
Volunteering's like... my extracurricular activity. Just like how people play rugby or bridge or table tennis or whatever outside school. Volunteering is what I used to do in singapore, I'm used to it, I'm "good" at it, I feel proud doing it, so I do it here in london for a sense of continuity. Do most people who play sport in uni continue to do it professionally? No. Therefore I think it's ok for me to volunteer in an industry, and for it to be completely unrelated to my course at uni.
don't know where I'm going with this. work tomorrow, I'm tired, night.
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