what I did today/night

1. went through my yahoo inbox to reply job people
2. went through RAM and sent emails
3. looked up TEFL stuff
4. edited profile on couchsurfing
5. retrieved photos from S.S. (whom I will never work with again, note to self)
6. filled out amanda palmer's SMILE form
7. showered
8. microwaved dinner

sigh I need to do things. like real things.

you see I COULD just not go to the classes and spend all my parents' money on shopping or partying or whatever while I'm in chicago, but I'm not doing that. I have not skipped a single class in the 1.5 weeks I'm here. That's a record, considering how much shit we have to do for each class and how far I'm falling behind/ have already fallen behind.

but there was a paper due 15 minutes ago and I don't think I'll submit it till 12 tonight or something. I also haven't put a question on the discussion board, as instructed. Reasons: I haven't finished the novel we were supposed to finish last week. I'm only halfway through the novel we're doing this week. The paper questions are on the novel we did last week and the novel we did this week. I am fucking screwed. I have not read either novel closely enough to answer the prompts. The prompts are nothing like what we've talked about in class. I have taken notes on what we've been doing in class, but they don't really help.

I don't want to do the paper because I have no idea what to write about, and it's 4-6 pp, which, according to ask.com, is 1000 words. I have trouble writing 1000 words on a normal basis, much less in a few hours. I don't know where the fuck he gets the prompts from, tbh.

I don't want to do the paper and I don't want to go to classes I don't want to do the reading because I'm so far behind.

I hate going to class because sometimes I'm lost because I haven't done the reading. I haven't done the reading because I have crap time management and I spend most of my day sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I don't know how the hell other people finish the reading. I am frustrated.

I am not academically inclined at all and I'm not meant for this I can't cope ok there's a reason why all the colleges/universities that I applied to last year rejected me.

I don't want to go to school anymore.

I don't know how to write this paper or where to start and I have a strange feeling that if I just sat at home and didn't go to class and made my own notes on the novel I would have had more success with these fucking prompts than if I actually went to class. I don't want to go to class anymore we're supposed to talk in class fuck that. I didn't say anything in class last lesson because I had nothing of worth to contribute to the discussion and I have talking-in-class issues that I've had ok and it just makes me anxious. I'm sitting in class being anxious about the fact that I haven't finished the reading and the need to talk just makes me more anxious and if I get too anxious I will have to walk out of the class and I don't really want to do that.

I don't care if this is a good university or not. The credits I'm getting from this won't mean anything. It won't contribute to my degree in london. I don't even want to go to a "good" university. I don't want to go to university anymore. I don't care. It doesn't matter. I'm sick of school I'm lousy at it what is the point of investing so much money into a lost cause I don't understand.

hello world.

My name is Nicole.
I am queer.
I just fucked up my first year of university and I have to repeat it.
I'm now doing summer school at this big university in the US and I'm not doing the work for it, because I feel like crap. I complained to my family that I was having trouble finishing the work and they just looked annoyed and disappointed and my sister told me to "speed-read". I don't feel capable of doing anything.
I haven't told my mum that I fucked up my first year.
I am turning 20 in august.
I am a life model.
I just traveled halfway across the world to go to a harry potter convention, and to see this girl that I like a lot.
She may not like me back.
I waited 9 months to see her for something that may or may not happen.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
I don't have any pets.
I am not living independently, but off my parent's money. I paid for the flight, hotel and registration to LeakyCon with my own money from working. Mum is paying for my summer school, because she insisted on me going.
I was studying anthropology. I have no idea what I'm going to do after my degree. My original plan was to do an MA, and decide after that. But with my current track record, I'm not even sure if my parents will continue funding my study in London or if they are willing to fund an MA in social anthropology or a related field.
I am not actively trying to make friends at this summer school because doing something for the sake of socializing stresses me out. I also never manage to finish the reading assigned for each lesson. The other kids in my class do. I think I am stupid. My parents asked if I had made any friends when I called. I said no. That I'm expected to make friends stresses me out.
I don't want to go to school anymore. I am sick of school. I don't want to go to school for at least 3 years. I think I will work in those 3 years, and do an entry-level service job.
I don't think I am suited for school. I was supposed to repeat J1, then J2. I had to take my A levels twice. I took my SATs 3 times. I got accepted into a uni in the UK, where they don't even look at my SAT scores. I don't know why I took them.

I keep fucking up

I don't know

I keep mentioning the fact that I have to repeat my first year of anthropology to myself, like I don't want myself to forget it. I don't like it. I don't feel as poopy as I did when I first got the news a week ago, but I still feel poopy.

I don't know.

I don't know why I'm doing this course because it won't earn me anything at goldsmiths. It's so weird here and I don't like it. My usual modus operandi is to be super optimistic or to bluff myself that I'm super optimistic. I'm not trying to be positive at all for this trip.

I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to go to school for a while. Not just a year, like 5 years. I don't think I'm good at school. I think I'm shit at school. I've been shit at school since sec 2/3. That was 2006. it's been 6 years now. Time to move on. Constructively speaking if I want to quit school I have to move back to sg, but then I also have to not live with my parents because they would stop supporting me if I quit school. Then I have to think about paying rent. I think the first few months will be kind of ok, I have savings, but I would need to get a job. um. It's hard to get a job both in london and in singapore but in sg, you would get something in the end.

When I say things like this people say "oh, it'll get better" "you're stronger than this", which I think is bullshit because they're not taking me seriously. I'm not good at school at all. I don't think my mother understands this. I am not made for school. If you have a history of fucking up it's clearly a sign to say that you shouldn't be in university.

There are only so many times you can fuck up, right?

I don't want to go to school here and I don't want to go to class because every time I walk through the campus I remind myself that I'm too shit to get into this school on my own merit, and that I don't deserve to be here. Then I have to do the whole social thing which makes me anxious, and this is in addition to the anxiety/stress I feel from having to keep ahead or on top of things

expectations

Memolane is this thing that sends me emails of things I tweeted 1 year ago and 2 years ago. Yesterday it sent me a tweet that had this amanda palmer blogpost in it, and I said something akin to "Have faith in yourselves!". I reread the blogpost, and my major takeaway is something different.

I don't know. I think my self of 2 years ago was so optimistic. I'm optimistic now, but in a more... pragmatic manner? I am not feeling that starry-eyed joy anymore that I felt from doing things. Or if I do, it lasts a lot shorter, and I'm reminded that the thing I just got happy about isn't really all that. haha I don't know if it's the anthropology speaking, but I am compelled to make myself see both sides of a situation, and so I don't just see the happy side. I've also partied a lot more in the two years since, and now I don't think that much of parties anymore. Which is great! I've got the partying out of my system.

The bit that most stands out to me, upon my more recent reading, is this:

"your expectations of YOUR LIFE from when you were 12 years old, 15 years old, 25 years old, they will gnaw and haunt you. no doubt.
every love you left, every love you never chased, every career path you didn’t follow, every instrument you didn’t practice, every time you kept your mouth shut and should have spoken up, every time you said too much.
but none of that exists NOW. it’s gone, over, non-existant.

the same way your parents’ expectations haunt you. and your teachers and the noise of cultural expectations haunt you.
all these voices in your head bicker and argue and obscure the real key to freedom:
your ability to stand still and ask:

who do i want to be

and what do i want to do

RIGHT. NOW.

?

you can live in a free country, but you’re not free unless you allow your own fucking self to be free IN THIS MOMENT, here, NOW, and not locked up in the dreams of your past, or the potential regrets of the future."

It really resonates with me.

When I was 10 years old I wanted to be a genetic scientist. I was literally brought up to believe that my purpose for going to school was to be able to go to a prestigious university and to study something fancy and be a researcher/ doctor/ lawyer/ architect etc. When I was 18, I still believed this, that I was supposed to put into practice what I had wanted all those years ago. That I'm letting my past self down, my parents down, my education down. Being in the gifted programme and having the a government bursary for all those years, and being in RG, constantly reminds you that you are "lucky" to have these things, and you should not let the education system down by failing, and doing badly in school. I felt disappointed in myself for not fulfilling these expectations.

The above quote argues that the expectations that you had of yourself in the past and that people have of you are not relevant, and what matters most is what you want of yourself now.

It's just a bit strange, though, because when you have different experiences, your expectations change, and you want different things. Long-term planning has no place in this model. For example, undergraduate study needs you to decide on something and commit yourself to it for 3-4 years. Your expectations might change within that few years, but it's not feasible to keep jumping off the wagon and doing something different.

I don't know. In my opinion, if I changed my major now, it would be a waste of my time. I know lots of people switch unis or courses in their second year, and started over. I don't think that's for me. It was hard enough for me to decide on a course to do, and to have to decide again would be too much effort for too little gain. But of course my expectations haven't really changed when I decided that I would study BA Anthropology. On the contrary, studying in my first year convinced me that I really liked the subject, and that this was the right way to go.

I don't really know what I expect of myself now, though. This is the bit which made me think. I do not have many expectations, as long as I liked what I studied, it would be okay. Perhaps my expectation of myself at this moment is to just stick it and hopefully get my degree in a few years. Keep volunteering at theatre things because it is one of the activities that makes me feel like not wanting to off myself, keep life modeling for the money, and for the sense of body peace. I don't hate my body so much now, and I feel proud of myself when I've successfully held a hard pose and not given up. I'm trying to convince myself that the ridiculous emailing, record-keeping, and bureaucracy is good training if I ever need to be a freelancer when I graduate.

Thinking about what I want and why I want them is helpful, I guess.
My dad asks me why I put in ridiculous hours to "work for free". The hours were just bad on one project, but on that one I experienced a great sense of camaraderie and teamwork that made me feel better about myself and not so shitty. Sitting alone in a quiet room when you're supposed to study for weeks on end can make you feel shitty. I didn't really have anyone to talk to because the people in my flat don't really do that, and I tried "socialising" but it just made me feel worse, because I couldn't socialise. Going to things for the sake of socializing felt stupid.

Volunteering's like... my extracurricular activity. Just like how people play rugby or bridge or table tennis or whatever outside school. Volunteering is what I used to do in singapore, I'm used to it, I'm "good" at it, I feel proud doing it, so I do it here in london for a sense of continuity. Do most people who play sport in uni continue to do it professionally? No. Therefore I think it's ok for me to volunteer in an industry, and for it to be completely unrelated to my course at uni.

don't know where I'm going with this. work tomorrow, I'm tired, night.

I can't forget about how my mum brought up the fact that she thinks my aunt "laughs at me for going to leakycon" and I had to spend the weekend with said aunt and family, and they didn't laugh at me about it, but they kept on asking me about it. They asked how long I was going to be there, what I was going to do there... etc. I don't get how it's so big of a deal. It's none of their business.  

I feel guilty for going, because of the money, but if my mum didn't make me take summer school along with going to the con, I would have been able to pay for the whole trip on my own. But the thing about my mum is that she says "oh money is not a problem", then she says it's "a waste of money" if I fly there just for the con... I don't understand her logic at all. The tuition for taking summer classes is way more than the flight, and then I have to pay rent for two places at once, my room in London and the room I'm going to be in in chicago.

The other day I was skyping to her and she went, "oh, why don't you think about transferring to university of chicago next year?" just because of the rankings. I convinced her out of it, but it seems like she's so detached from everything. She doesn't seem to understand that transferring to a school in a WHOLE OTHER COUNTRY is more than just buying a plane ticket and leaving. And then she tells me that I have to come back to "reality" and harry potter is just "an imaginary world" and that I have to "grow up", and stop going to cons. I don't know what reality she lives in, where you can transfer to any school you like, in any city. She doesn't even remember the name of leakycon, she just calls it "wikileaks" because it sounds the same. 

I don't hate my mum. I just wish she could keep her thoughts to herself about how "everyone" will laugh at me. I got so angry at her the last time that I had to hang up on skype, and I felt guilty for doing that. I would understand where she was coming from if she had to pay for my trip, but she doesn't. I don't get it. 

Maybe things would be better if I had a more communicative relationship with my mum. Though I don't think it is possible. I tried not telling her about me going to the convention, but she found out about it through my aunt, because I'd told her. Then my dad told my mum. I did bring it up when my parents came to visit in december, but I hadn't updated them since then and they didn't think I was serious about going. I didn't tell my mum because I knew she would tell me not to go, and I would feel guilty. Hypothetically I could completely disregard my parents and not call them at all, and just go without telling my mum. But I didn't do that. I call my family at least once a week.

I can't bring up the fact that I'm going to leakycon to have fun and see friends. It would be a reason for her to tell me not to go. She thinks it's a waste of money to do that. I can't even tell her about my friends, because she will say "don't spend so much time going out", "don't hang out with those kind of people", "don't drink", "don't go to those places", "that's a sleazy place, don't go there". So I don't tell her about a lot of my personal life. I feel that that would put me in more trouble.

I don't know how to phrase this post so that I sound like I'm trying to have a better relationship with my mum, or to make you understand how my mum does not believe in spending money on "fun", but it's okay to spend lots of money on summer classes that will not even contribute to my degree. She thinks it looks better on my CV. The only thing that I think my summer classes say about me is that I'm a silly rich kid who doesn't need the job that they're applying for. 

Relating to this, I get super ticked off whenever someone asks me if I'm out to my parents now, because it feels like a "progress" thing. Like I'm not fully mature as an lgbt person if I haven't come out to my parents. I just feel out of place, because most of my queer friends at uni are out to their parents, and I feel like this rebellious child for not coming out to my parents. Coming out or not is a personal choice, and you have to understand _my_ parents, or asian parents, before thinking that coming out is part of growing up. I don't even talk about my personal life with my parents, they don't think very highly of me as it is, why would I tell them that I'm gay and give them another reason to look down on me?  

ticked off

I have to stop hanging out at queer-centric events for a while. It makes me stressed.

The next person who talks about coming out, or who asks me if I’m Out to my parents, I will smack them around the head. it feels like a “progress” thing. Like I’m not fully mature as an lgbt person if I haven’t come out to my parents. I just feel out of place, because most of my queer friends at uni are out to their parents, and I feel like this rebellious secretive child for not coming out to my parents. Coming out or not is a personal choice, and you have to understand _my_ parents, or asian parents, before thinking that coming out is part of growing up. I don’t even talk about my personal life with my parents, they don’t think very highly of me as it is, why would I tell them that I’m gay and give them another reason to look down on me? It would be like throwing a spanner into the works.

In singapore, other queer people are respectful of boundaries, and they don’t ask intrusive questions about your parents. Do people here not understand the meaning of tact? 

4:58am

I just miss all of you, okay? and I’m missing people right now because people are leaving and I can’t handle things like that. I want all of my favorite people in the world to be in the same room, physically standing next to me right now. I want to share a huge house with all my friends who live like, everywhere. 

That will probably never happen.

I guess the best thing about all this internet-friending and travelling is that I’ll have people to visit and hug and stay with wherever I may be in the world. That’s a pretty comforting thought. I’ll never be alone. :)

oh cool

benji schwimmer was 22 when he started thinking he was gay.
Makes me feel not so left out :)

idk, there are kids in my school who knew they were gay since they were 12, or 14, at that early teen period. Last year, someone asked me how long I knew I was gay and I said, "about 1.5 years." and she gave me this cynical "oh". As if she was skeptical of my gay-ness and she thought it was just a phase. Like my feeling of being not-straight was not taken seriously. It felt like she thought I was one of those bi-curious girls who just liked "experimenting" and didn't *really* like girls. I also disagree with the attitude towards the label "bi-curious"; it's perfectly legitimate to feel bi-curious, and others shouldn't make you feel less than. It's just... the word tends to be associated with porn/ escorting, and female-identifying porn workers who will make out with girls because they will get paid more.

Sometimes when I think about my own coming-out, I feel a bit late to the game, compared with others. There was a point when I doubted myself because I was already so "old" and had so little relationship experience, and felt like a fake wannabe-gay person. Now it's been about 2.5 years, and I still don't identify with being bi or lesbian, I identify as queer. It's not like I haven't given this a lot of thought; I have, 2.5 years worth.

But sometimes gay people boil it down to: Do you like cocks or vaginas or both? and I'm like-- how do I like an anatomical structure if I've barely seen it before in real life? I don't see a penis or a vagina and think, "that turns me on", to me it's just a body part, like your armpit or elbow or bellybutton. It exists to serve a function. Why am I expected to be turned on by penises, when I find them odd and weird, or sometimes disgusting? Same for vaginas. I mean they have artistic merit; everyone has a different-looking one, and they're complex, but I don't think, "I want some of that". I look at people and I get turned on, but not isolated body parts. I can go, "oh, he/she has a nice ass", but that ass has to be attached to a person. 

I don't like how society, or other people, expect my sexuality to be an automatic, almost biological, thing. It's easy for straight people to like penises/vaginas and explain it away as a evolved desire, but what if I don't even want to have sex with anyone? I don't know, I don't want to be pressured to "decide", and it's not a cut and dry, easy decision to make. I don't even know if it's a conscious choice or not.

It sometimes makes me afraid, because I have the tiny feeling that my family or relatives expect me to marry a man. (well, my two grandaunts didn't marry anyone.) It feels like the next stage in life that I'm expected to undergo, in, say, 7-10 years. I've been able to explain away my lack of boyfriend due to perceived nerdiness and "antisocial" behavior. To my family's favor, they haven't been putting any pressure on me about boyfriends yet, which is great. But at this moment in time, the idea of me having sex with a male-identifying person repulses, and to a certain extent, scares me. It'll be like Bed Song. I don't want to end up like Bed Song. I'd rather sleep on my own than be in that situation. sigh. 

thought

With each successive person I come out to, it just becomes easier and easier. It’s wonderful.

And then someone today was like “my partner” and someone else went “he?” and then she goes “no, she” and there’s not a OH YOU’RE GAY moment, it’s a “oops, sorry for my mistake” moment, and hereafter her partner is known as “she”, which was awesome.

It just seems easier for me, because I always expect the worst. Like I came out to this friend whom I’ve known for years, and she surprisingly took it very well. There was an “OH YOU’RE GAY” moment, but it was polite and tactful, and it was also partly because she had known me for so long and I hadn’t mentioned it to her before. I came out to someone today and it went so smoothly I can’t believe it. I’ve only just known the person for a week, which makes it a little easier, but she just took it in her stride, you know. 

Maybe it’s just a “me” thing. Maybe the next person I come out to will be an asshole. I’ve learnt to pick and choose, sometimes test the water a bit. But for now I really like it and I like people and the world and shit. I love that some people are so understanding and not assholes. 

5:04am

why did I put facebook under my selfcontrol block when I want to talk on the anthro fb group -_-‘
ok well at least I’ve got selfcontrol on.
can’t sleep tonight or I’ll be screwed~ #royally
didn’t really do much in the day, as usual.

going to print out the encouraging tweets and tweets of people telling me to study and put them up sometime :P 

ahaha I don’t know why I watch these things but for some reason this makes me feel uncomfortable. *should be studying* heh. I’ve blocked twitter so things that usually go on there are going on here.

sometimes I play dumb to get people to like me. Or in an attempt to get people to be friends with me. That’s how people think I’m thick! woohoo! idk, when I get too smart-alecky sometimes people find that off putting. Does anyone else do this? Especially when you don’t know the other person that well. I notice that my mum does this as well, play dumb in front of anyone she doesn’t know that well. She pretends not to know things, and laughs a lot, and avoids anything referring to what she works as. She likes them to call her “Mrs Chen” even though she hasn’t changed her name, and she uses her maiden name on official things like credit cards. Sometimes she pretends to be a housewife. She pretends like she’s a rich guy’s wife, even though my mum has been promoted to a higher position compared to my dad, and earns just as much as him, if not more. I don’t find my dad having to pretend that he’s a househusband or whatever, even though my parents work in the same profession.

But then again I find my dad’s profession being discussed less in small talk because he tends to ramble about COE prices or traffic rather than his job. With my mum, her profession is like this big pink elephant in the room that she tries so much to hide that to me, it’s obvious that she’s hiding it. 

It’s been said that it’s a “woman” thing, that because people don’t like girls who are smart so girls play dumb.

sometime there will be a conclusion. *goes away* 

mum doesn't want me to go to leakycon because she thinks people will laugh at me

Mum says that I shouldn't go to leakycon because everyone will laugh at me.
If I go every year everyone will laugh at me even more.

I don't know what's funnier. That right now I find this statement really absurd, or now I'm thinking about it, I don't know *who* are the people laughing at me. It is my mum? Does she think, "ha ha, stupid jinjin, ha ha" I mean in which case it doesn't matter, but since she has brought up the issue of "everyone", I think I will try to unpack this statement and understand it better.

Is it my family? My relatives? Will they think "ha ha jinjin is such a dickhead". There are two assumptions to be made here: that they actually laugh at me, and that they actually spend time of their busy lives thinking about how stupid I am. I don't think anyone in my family, especially my relatives, have time in their busy lives to sit down and think of how I'm such a dickhead. It is possible that my mum and my relatives talk about me when I'm not there, which is unavoidable, and it is during those instances that they collectively laugh at me. Which is fine, because I don't give a shit. Is it my maternal grandparents? Honestly in their situation all they talk about is what's going on in the news, what drugs to take, where to go out for lunch. They rarely talk about my mum or my sister.

Which "everyone" is my mum talking about? Is this *everyone* in my mum's social circle? Does she tell her colleagues that I go to leakycon and they laugh at me collectively? That's fine. I'm ok with that, as long as they don't laugh at me in my presence, which is pretty rare since I don't live in singapore anymore. Is this "everyone" my sister or my dad? Which is fine because they laugh at me all the time anyway and I can't do anything about it. Is this "everyone" my classmates in London? In which case,
1. How would you know
2. Why would I even care
3. How would they know since I've never told them

Is "everyone" the people I used to go to school with in singapore? In which case, why would they have any incentive to keep up with what I'm doing? It's none of their business what I'm doing with myself, or where I go. I doubt they even care.

Honestly I have no idea who "everyone" is, unless "everyone" just means my mum and the people she laughs with. It isn't everyone, obviously. I know people who are _jealous_ that I get to go. I feel bad that I get to go and other people don't. I consider being able to go to leakycon a privilege, thank you very much.

Ironically, leakycon is one of the only places in the world that I know for sure that I'm not going to be laughed at. You think people laugh at me *because* I go to leakycon? Mum, people have been laughing at me all my life. When I am with people who respect me, and that has happened in the past few years, I don't feel like I'm being laughed at. I don't surround myself with people who might not take me seriously. I surround myself with people who do.

I don't care anymore what the "everyone" might think. I am done with worrying about what other people will think. It's stressful, at any given time, to worry about
1. What mum would think
2. What "everyone" would think
things that I should be worried about and that I should take care of are on the low on the list.

I can't stand planning my life such that people won't laugh at me. Whatever I do people will end up being jealous of me, hating what I'm doing, or trying to make fun of me. In the end I'm still going to be angry and annoyed at myself because I'm doing something I hate. So why not do something I like and save people all the trouble? hum.

Things I did today

1. Made it to the anth methods lecture, having skipped the last 2 ones.
2. Went to cutty sark to look for MJ's book, failed.
3. Walked around deptford, following deptford creek. Made me happy because I got to talk to people-- classmates, and it was pretty funny. Walked so much, though. I felt so sweaty and poopy afterward.
4. Went to Heron Quay and got 4 copies of NotS! Also left nerdfighter notes in the john green books.
5. Went to the bookswap, and successfully swapped a book. Read books. Felt happy, because world book day celebrates my love/ relationship with fiction and literature. Spent time in new cross library. It was the best.
6. Was door bitch for awkward turtle.
7. Got accosted :P by alex and lauren. Danced to 50s music. Believed in the world again. I'm trying to find out why, though. I was proud of myself being door bitch, because that meant I got something to do. And then when I looked at the full room and everyone enjoying themselves, I thought: this is something I'm part of. I liked the music, too. Also maybe it was because it was a long time since I'd seen the lgbt soc guys-- 2 weeks. Well, relatively.
It's just such a relief and change from the past few weeks, actually. It was nice, even though there were no numbers. It was very much a friendship thing, which was wonderful.

on family.

The solution for homesickness is not to move home. What if you don't have a CHOICE? Why isn't the solution to homesickness is to stick it out?
Okay, I feel homesick. I acknowledge the feelings of homesickness. It's not a "cry every night" feeling, but it's just a little feeling that pops us sometimes when I'm reminded of things that are happening at home, and it's nagging. I don't want to go home, though. I want to be able to stick it out and at least finish my degree. I don't want to come home. #defiant I want to be able to say I stuck it out and successfully moved away from home.

Reasons I don't want to go to singapore in the near future:

1. I don't have anything to do there. The last time I went I just spent all my time sleeping or being on the internet and generally feeling like a waste of space because doing my assigned essays wasn't going too well. I got sick and lost my voice and spent days just moping at home and shivering and feeling really sad. It was the kind of flu that gives you a high fever, and getting up gives you a headache, and getting dressed and out of my pajamas was a hard task. I wasn't even making any progress on my essays, and so I felt like shit. I didn't do any of that social stuff that I had planned to do, because I was sleeping due to jetlag, and was justifying it because I needed to work on my essays, which I didn't do anyway.

I spent the time feeling sorry for myself because I wasn't in the prestigious universities that my classmates were in. It was stressful because it was holiday season, and I was supposed to go out and meet family, which meant my maternal aunts and uncles and the paternal side of the family. I'm always stressed out when I meet family because my mum always used to compare me to so-and-so, and tries to answer the questions I get asked. I don't know how to behave because I get treated like a kid, when I'm so used to talking to everyone else of their age as equals. I don't get treated like an equal. I have the feeling that all my relatives are looking down on me because I'm in a shit university doing a shit degree and I don't have myself pulled together. They all have careers-- are lawyers, doctors, accountants, and here I am doing anthropology, having no idea what I'm going to do after I graduate.

I was stressed out because I was living with my family, and when you do that after three months of living alone, it's not something you get used to. I'm constantly reminded that I'm part of something bigger when my grandfather keeps walking in to the room he shares with me (the room I sleep in is his study as well). My mum keeps nagging at me, and I had to get used to living at home. Getting used to living in your own home! Imagine. I liked having people around, though, and I missed tita, and I got to hang around with her a lot, which was good. I missed the security guard and I missed having my sister around, so that was the upside of living at home.

It's not. I don't think the home in singapore will ever feel the same way it used to. I didn't feel like a complete stranger, but I did feel out of place. I don't even know if I can handle living there long-term again because it's so weird. It's nice, not having to pay rent, and having people to eat with at dinner, and being able to be around my grandparents. I like my grandparents. They are quiet people, aren't too judgemental, they try to be as supportive as they can, which I really appreciate. I don't know-- dare I say this-- that I will be able to stay sane living there, though. Having my own room here in london and being able to bring people home was something I missed while in singapore. Also I think there isn't space for me. My sister needs her own room; my grandfather needs his room. Sometimes I felt I was bothering my grandfather too much when I was staying there.

This is something I've said to my therapist, and I know this sounds weird, but I'd like to bring girls (or guys) or whoever home in the future, just like my uncle did. To my three-year-old self, he would bring a different girl home every weekend. haha. Sometimes the girl would have dinner with us. It's just a weird feeling. My parents or grandparents don't even have to like her. They just have to pretend they do, for a couple hours. I would like to be able to bring a girl home should I meet a girl that I'd like to bring home. I just want that option to be available to me.

I want to show my grandparents and parents that "hey, this is my life, and she means a lot to me, and I'd like you to get to know her." I want to tell my grandfather that this girl makes me happy, and she contributes to my quality of life and I love her. I want to have that girl sit with me at dinner and see how crazy my grandmother is and see the absurdity that is my grandparent's relationship with each other. My grandfather jokingly makes fun of my grandmother, and they have arguments over which drug (all legal, they take so many it's funny) to take or what's going on in the news. My grandmother is losing her hearing and a bit of her mind, so she gets a little crazy and likes telling the stories about how she survived WWII and things I should do. Maybe I'll even bring her to dinner with my grandaunts for funsies. (They like having people over and they ask lots of questions and talk a lot and sometimes ask if I have a boyfriend.)

I don't know if that ever will be possible, though. Oh well.

I don't think I have a family like chloe does, though. I don't know. In recent years I've never brought my friends home. I didn't have a boyfriend or girlfriend that I wanted to bring home, so I don't know how my family would react to my friends. OH now I remember. That time I brought my dad to see martina and lidewij was weird because he kept trying to say things and he was very perfunctory and I didn't say much. Mostly my dad did the talking. On hindsight, he was very open to the idea of meeting people he didn't know at all, and he was so nice to come with me, even though I sprung it on him last minute, and he was so okay with me going to Breda alone.

I can't change the way my family is, and I don't think I want things to be different. It's just a weird experience to encounter an american family (which I'd never encountered before) and to feel so welcome in someone's home. Chloe's mum, too, even though I've only kind of spoken to her once on skype, is so friendly and nice. I really should meet people's parents more. I have such a skewed perception of them. I've met avariel's parents. They were nice singaporean parents. haha I don't know how to describe it but the culture is different. They're a little like my parents in that they don't get too involved in what their kids are doing; they check in periodically to see if we're okay or not. They acknowledge and accept avariel's obsession with the LHC and other space-related stuff and leave her to it. Like my parents, how they acknowledge my obsession with harry potter and reading and just accept that I am a nerd. Well not really. My dad said I had no social life once and I got so mad that I got up and left the restaurant we were eating at. But that's a long story.

With singaporean parents, you're taught to be very polite, so you are, and they are polite back. They're nice to you and offer you tons of food (I remember this with felicia's parents) but they generally leave their kid and their friends alone. They just stay out of the room or out of the way for the time that you are with your friend, and you never see them unless to say hi or goodbye or thank you. With chloe's dad, it was different. I watched doctor who with them, ate ice cream with them, had dinner with them while her dad engaged me in conversation. I even got to feed chloe's little brother pancakes, which I thought was a privilege haha. So I guess that's how singaporean and pacific northwestern parents are different.

I can't I feel poopy I honestly feel poopy I don't know what to do
I can't do this I can't
grahh yes you can nicole
I honestly don't think argh
I have class in
I've

I'M IN LOVE WITH HER.
SHE SAID THE WORDS. SHE SAID THE THREE WORDS fuckkkkkk
SHE SAYS THAT TO EVERYONE
BUT I STILL AM IN NERDFIGHTERLIKE WITH HER. A LOT
(they say in girl/girl relationships it moves too quickly but I DONT CARE BC I WON"T BE SEEING HER FOR 7 MONTHS; TAKE THAT, "MOVING TOO QUICKLY".

I don't know if we'll be the same in 7 months. sigh. I don't know what we'll be in 7 months. #realisation
#help #dear BUT I'M IN LOVE WITH HER I NEED TO TELL SOMEONE